How many times are we asked to describe ourselves, on job applications, college forms, etc? And why is it always so hard to do? Why do we struggle so to put words to something as highly personal as our very own self? Ok, how about we try it now, yeah?
Ready?! Alright, let's go!
Use only one word to describe you.
Let me guess, you picked some version of male. Isn't that interesting that we are so tied to our sex? Something that for the vast majority of us is easily distinguished by looking at us. But why is it that we all feel that our sex is THE most important thing about us? Why do we identify so strongly as either female or male? I don't have a clue, do you?
Moving on, let's add one more word to our description. If you're an adult i would guess that your job is what you have chosen to add. If your still in school then the range becomes wider but still describes what we are doing, rather than WHO we are. Is what we do, who we are? Is being a student, a programmer, etc that tied to who we are inside, or are we describing ourselves for others and not us?
How far down the list if we keep at this is our age, weight, or other physical characteristics? Still for the most part we are using external cues to describe ourselves.
What does this say about our society and it's views on summing us up for public consumption? Is that why it's so vitally important for others when they discover our sexual orientation? Could it be because supposedly we are out of where "normal" lies, and some of the interest in us is nothing more than the juvenile need to group everyone into "alike" groups, and when we are no longer in the "correct" group it throws off their world view? Considering how adaptable and intelligent humans are, why is different such a fear ladened word? Which makes me wonder if this fear of the different, the unusual, hardwired in? If that is true then at some distant point in our past fearing the different instead of being drawn to it must have served some kind of self preservation function. However, we can be taught to accept, embrace and perhaps even love the different among us, and that to me is the true definition of evolve.
So if we can't use external words, how do we describe ourselves if only to our selves? I know that I all to often fall into using only the negative adjectives, rather than positives. Let's give using positive adjectives a go, shall we? Words that paint us with a brush full of good will towards ourselves, rather than a boot full of gloom.
If you ask a child to describe themselves, they will usually only use positive words. They see only the good in themselves and others. When do we lose that ability, and why? Is the loss of being able to paint ones self with positive imagines the beginning of when being different becomes bad?
When we can't see the good in our own person, how can we see the good in others? To protect us from others we begin the hideous slide into picking on others hoping no one will look at us twice. Unless of course you're already a victim of bullies, then it steadily becomes harder to describe yourself with any positive words at all.
Would we learn how to describe ourselves more clearly, using positive words rather than negative, if we at least attempt to see the good in others? Accept the differences, embrace where we do meet up well and let the rest go? If in looking for the good in others, would we find the good in ourselves? Learn to love our quirks, accept ourselves as we are, and not as we want to be. And in doing so, allow us to really love life, eager to greet each day so we can wring every drop from it. Propel our selves with purpose, listening to our true desires and interests, rather than just listening to the popular culture noise.
Ok, so let me take a crack at describing myself, using only positive words. I'm loving, talkative (yes I do think that is a positive trait), funny, optimistic, curious and full of life.
Your turn!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Leaving the Grey Room
Malcolm and Micky have opened up a new blog. It's still in its infancy but I sense good things on this blog in the future. They are co-writing a blog about abuse, well rather than me tell you, let them tell you.W
"We were both victims of childhood abuse in our differing ways and here we'll share something of what happened to us.
"We were both victims of childhood abuse in our differing ways and here we'll share something of what happened to us.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Some questions answered, yet many remain
I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, so hugs and kissies for all of your help. Am going to respond to your comments here to make sure you see them, cause as you know, I rarely if ever respond to comments.
@Old Midhurstian~~ I'm not really sure how they would come across my blog. My name of course is a nom de plume that has nothing in common with my actual name. The only person who knows that they talk to is TH (the husband). Everyone else that knows doesn't live here and doesn't talk to our sons. But I can see how that would be a valid worry. I hate not being honest with them. There is no way that they haven't noticed my change in my clothing choices. And the use of the word "person" instead of a feminine pronoun most of the time.
@Bob~~I totally agree, honestly is the best policy. However overtime I get up the nerve to tell one of them, something happens to stop me. The timing doesn't work, or they are having some sort of trouble that is really stressing them out, so I chicken out again and again. One thing that is holding me hostage is the fear of losing them, of them hating me, of being disgusted by me.
@jaygeemmm~~Yes, I know what TH told the kids when they asked him. He told them I was dealing with some very personal issues and that I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
Yes, the harshest words we have ever had was when this was still a fresh subject, and he was telling me that he didn't want to have sex with a guy. And that day I was just not feeling all that generous towards him and told him he HAD been having sex with a guy our entire married life! As you can imagine that did so not go over well...sigh bad, very bad wifely moment.
For whatever reason, when I imagine telling them, it's always alone. It just seems so much harder, more complicated, some how just all around increase of stress with TH along for the reveal. So actually when I read your comment, it totally shocked me. And even after allowing all of the comments sink in for a while, it still seems vaguely wrong to me for some reason. It just might be my stubborn independence streak?
Being TG is very different from being gay. For one, its very hard to explain, because honestly everyone understands sexual desire, but to try to explain gender to someone who is all nicely matchy matchy, tis very hard to find the words to describe how I feel.
@Dodger~~Since everyone is advocating me to tell our sons with us as a unit, I suppose that is the way to go. Not only is it hard to explain, but I worry about how they will take their mom being a guy....
@Daniel~~I cant decide on what the best path would be on this. I know my kids really well, but on this subject I am totally lost as to how they will handle knowing im TG.
@Lightning Baltimore~~I took your advice and bought a book to give them. But....sigh not really sure how much help it will be, its a good book, but still....
@Micky~~I kinda think that a joint telling wouldn't be a wise way to go. The boys are all different in their approach to life, and I'm sure that in a group setting feelings could get hurt. And it kinda feels as though it wouldn't be a very personal way to tell them. There will be differing reactions. I feel that at least two of them should be ok with it. There is one however that we are both worried about telling, as he is so completely centered on his dad that the only way that he will be ok with it is for TH to be calm and totally accepting of me. There is one that we are on the fence about, but feel that he will be ok with it after a while. One thing we are worried about is the reaction of the wives, to be wives and the long term gf. For such open minded guys they kinda picked narrow minded very provincial females.
@Ethan~~ Thanks for your kind support!
TH told me today that he is worried about me. He says that while I'm happier, that it's still very obvious that I'm not throughly happy. When he told me that, I was rather shocked, because I thought I was doing better...... It does feel as if something has broken inside of me, and I know that I'm not the same person as before. So, now I worry, if this is only the eye of the storm and transition is down the road......waiting for me to finally come to terms with the fact of needing to live for me, and me alone. Or is this just the healing phase of this soul wound? Sigh......I guess only time will tell, yeah?
@Old Midhurstian~~ I'm not really sure how they would come across my blog. My name of course is a nom de plume that has nothing in common with my actual name. The only person who knows that they talk to is TH (the husband). Everyone else that knows doesn't live here and doesn't talk to our sons. But I can see how that would be a valid worry. I hate not being honest with them. There is no way that they haven't noticed my change in my clothing choices. And the use of the word "person" instead of a feminine pronoun most of the time.
@Bob~~I totally agree, honestly is the best policy. However overtime I get up the nerve to tell one of them, something happens to stop me. The timing doesn't work, or they are having some sort of trouble that is really stressing them out, so I chicken out again and again. One thing that is holding me hostage is the fear of losing them, of them hating me, of being disgusted by me.
@jaygeemmm~~Yes, I know what TH told the kids when they asked him. He told them I was dealing with some very personal issues and that I'm not ready to talk about it yet.
Yes, the harshest words we have ever had was when this was still a fresh subject, and he was telling me that he didn't want to have sex with a guy. And that day I was just not feeling all that generous towards him and told him he HAD been having sex with a guy our entire married life! As you can imagine that did so not go over well...sigh bad, very bad wifely moment.
For whatever reason, when I imagine telling them, it's always alone. It just seems so much harder, more complicated, some how just all around increase of stress with TH along for the reveal. So actually when I read your comment, it totally shocked me. And even after allowing all of the comments sink in for a while, it still seems vaguely wrong to me for some reason. It just might be my stubborn independence streak?
Being TG is very different from being gay. For one, its very hard to explain, because honestly everyone understands sexual desire, but to try to explain gender to someone who is all nicely matchy matchy, tis very hard to find the words to describe how I feel.
@Dodger~~Since everyone is advocating me to tell our sons with us as a unit, I suppose that is the way to go. Not only is it hard to explain, but I worry about how they will take their mom being a guy....
@Daniel~~I cant decide on what the best path would be on this. I know my kids really well, but on this subject I am totally lost as to how they will handle knowing im TG.
@Lightning Baltimore~~I took your advice and bought a book to give them. But....sigh not really sure how much help it will be, its a good book, but still....
@Micky~~I kinda think that a joint telling wouldn't be a wise way to go. The boys are all different in their approach to life, and I'm sure that in a group setting feelings could get hurt. And it kinda feels as though it wouldn't be a very personal way to tell them. There will be differing reactions. I feel that at least two of them should be ok with it. There is one however that we are both worried about telling, as he is so completely centered on his dad that the only way that he will be ok with it is for TH to be calm and totally accepting of me. There is one that we are on the fence about, but feel that he will be ok with it after a while. One thing we are worried about is the reaction of the wives, to be wives and the long term gf. For such open minded guys they kinda picked narrow minded very provincial females.
@Ethan~~ Thanks for your kind support!
TH told me today that he is worried about me. He says that while I'm happier, that it's still very obvious that I'm not throughly happy. When he told me that, I was rather shocked, because I thought I was doing better...... It does feel as if something has broken inside of me, and I know that I'm not the same person as before. So, now I worry, if this is only the eye of the storm and transition is down the road......waiting for me to finally come to terms with the fact of needing to live for me, and me alone. Or is this just the healing phase of this soul wound? Sigh......I guess only time will tell, yeah?
Monday, October 4, 2010
Opinions and suggestions please
I finally seem to have myself back to what passes for normal. Now that I know that this will be the carapace that will be my home for the rest of my life, and there is no possible way of becoming a man with a male body, I feel much less trapped and unhappy. My joy is slowly returning, and my smiles now are in my eyes, so life is getting good again. I still have sad times, and down moments, and clothes are still my major malfunction, but am working on that as well.
I want to come out to my sons. They are all adults, and we are a very close family. They saw my struggle this summer, and have spoken to TH (the husband) about it, so they know something is up. Because TH and I are such a tight couple the only thing they could think of that would cause both of us to be this upset is that we were having martial issues. They thought we were working towards a divorce.
My therapist said no need to tell them since I'm not going to transition. Several friends said to tell them, they feel that the boys need to understand what I have been struggling with for the past 8 months. TH is against it because he is worried they wont love me any longer. But I'm tired of hiding me, and I would like to be freer around my kids with my true self. I want to be loved for who I am......all of me, not just the pretty bits and pieces that I deem worthy to show them. TH and our boys are the most important people in the world to me. I would do anything for them, and have made a huge sacrifice to keep our family intact, and worry that coming out to them would leave my family in ruins, and my sacrifice for naught.
What do you think? Should I come out to them? Do you think being transgender will cause them to turn away from me? And if I do come out to them, will they realize my sexual orientation, or should I just be upfront with that as well? Or will they be like the few people that I have told in real life, and after thinking about it, will realize the truth that was before their eyes but they didn't see it for the window dressing?
I want to take the next step, what do you think?
I want to come out to my sons. They are all adults, and we are a very close family. They saw my struggle this summer, and have spoken to TH (the husband) about it, so they know something is up. Because TH and I are such a tight couple the only thing they could think of that would cause both of us to be this upset is that we were having martial issues. They thought we were working towards a divorce.
My therapist said no need to tell them since I'm not going to transition. Several friends said to tell them, they feel that the boys need to understand what I have been struggling with for the past 8 months. TH is against it because he is worried they wont love me any longer. But I'm tired of hiding me, and I would like to be freer around my kids with my true self. I want to be loved for who I am......all of me, not just the pretty bits and pieces that I deem worthy to show them. TH and our boys are the most important people in the world to me. I would do anything for them, and have made a huge sacrifice to keep our family intact, and worry that coming out to them would leave my family in ruins, and my sacrifice for naught.
What do you think? Should I come out to them? Do you think being transgender will cause them to turn away from me? And if I do come out to them, will they realize my sexual orientation, or should I just be upfront with that as well? Or will they be like the few people that I have told in real life, and after thinking about it, will realize the truth that was before their eyes but they didn't see it for the window dressing?
I want to take the next step, what do you think?
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I'll take "Androgyne" for $500 please.
Starting out on this odyssey of self discovery I began at the point of being an androgyne. Life was good, the label/box fit me well. Then as time went on, I realized just that there was more male inside me than female, and my label shifted yet again, and I thought of myself as transgender. A transgender person who wanted the SRS.
I've been doing a huge amount of thinking these past few days and have pinpointed that very point as to where my extreme unhappiness began. Yes, I did post about that, but then later thru talking with various people who thought I was selling myself out, I slid back to the trans label.
This is how I see it. Yes, I am a guy on the inside, and no I don't fit well in the female world at all. However, and this is a big however, I live as a female and there is no easy way to unhook my life as a female without causing many people harm. Wait! I am one of those people who it would cause grievous harm to. Yes, I know that my tendencies is to be a door mat to my family, believe me I have given this a great deal of thought to make damned sure that it wasn't fear that was making me change my idea of who I am.
Am I a coward? Is the fear of an unknown future what is holding me back from transitioning? To be honest, I don't think so. Yes, I did say think, not know. But like I said, since that dark day when I decided to transition my life has been one long unending session of depression and gloom. I just cant live that way any longer. So, I'm rolling back the clock and going to try living with the androgyne label again and see if that is my key to happiness.
A few days ago on chat, I told a good friend just how depressed I am. After listening to me a bit, he said he would pass on the advice that he was given a few years ago that helped him. Pissed him off, but a few days later helped him. His advice? "Cut the shit Biki". Thats what lead me to where I am now.
I've been told that moving forward will allow me to live, but being stuck, unable to make a decision will kill me, and how very right they were. I woke up today feeling much more positive. More so than I've felt in a long while. I feel rather peaceful inside, which is a great feeling!
So, roll the dice and lets get on with the game of life, yeah?
I've been doing a huge amount of thinking these past few days and have pinpointed that very point as to where my extreme unhappiness began. Yes, I did post about that, but then later thru talking with various people who thought I was selling myself out, I slid back to the trans label.
This is how I see it. Yes, I am a guy on the inside, and no I don't fit well in the female world at all. However, and this is a big however, I live as a female and there is no easy way to unhook my life as a female without causing many people harm. Wait! I am one of those people who it would cause grievous harm to. Yes, I know that my tendencies is to be a door mat to my family, believe me I have given this a great deal of thought to make damned sure that it wasn't fear that was making me change my idea of who I am.
Am I a coward? Is the fear of an unknown future what is holding me back from transitioning? To be honest, I don't think so. Yes, I did say think, not know. But like I said, since that dark day when I decided to transition my life has been one long unending session of depression and gloom. I just cant live that way any longer. So, I'm rolling back the clock and going to try living with the androgyne label again and see if that is my key to happiness.
A few days ago on chat, I told a good friend just how depressed I am. After listening to me a bit, he said he would pass on the advice that he was given a few years ago that helped him. Pissed him off, but a few days later helped him. His advice? "Cut the shit Biki". Thats what lead me to where I am now.
I've been told that moving forward will allow me to live, but being stuck, unable to make a decision will kill me, and how very right they were. I woke up today feeling much more positive. More so than I've felt in a long while. I feel rather peaceful inside, which is a great feeling!
So, roll the dice and lets get on with the game of life, yeah?
Friday, September 10, 2010
Randomized Particles
Well since we last visited not a whole lot of anything of large import has occurred. Just the usual current of life. But little pieces of things have accumulated on the desktop of my mind, which is cluttered as usual, with odds and ends.
It's full on fall now. The leaves are all turning gold, and starting to litter the ground. It doesn't quite yet smell like moose season, but its getting close. What does moose season smell like? Hmmm, I guess the best way to explain it is the smell of fall in the woods. Kinda spicy, kinda musky, with a tang of chill in the mix. While I'm not a lover of the coldness of winter, the energy that comes with autumn is one of my favorites. We had a little visitor looking for mushrooms in our back garden today, and he was kind enough to let me snap his picture.
An unrealized bonus of watching my wee little grand daughter is that I also get about 15 minutes alone time with my eldest son each morning, which is wonderful. I'm happy that he's all grown up and flown our nest to build a new one with his wife and baby, but still I do miss getting just one on one time with him. They both (son and dil {daughter in law}) come home for lunch at the same time, so I sit and visit with them and that is really nice too. I think, well I hope that finally I'm building a closer relationship with my daughter in law, something that I have sorely wanted.
Wedding plans for son #3 and his wife to be are advancing, they have finally picked a date, July 23. I would love to come out to the boys, but I'm thinking that maybe I should hold off until after the wedding or I might have to attend the wedding "a la Bette Midler" style in Stella. Is there a true difference being tossed away by parents and siblings and being tossed away by your children?
I tried my hand at making sushi with the salmon we caught. TH (the husband) said it was good. No, I don't eat it, for some reason it just wont digest in my stomach, and our youngest has the same issue, yes yes I know weird, but hey its me your talking about. Anyways, the sushi came out ok, just my sizing was off, and my rice didn't quite stick together as tightly as necessary. The problem I think was that let my rice cool to much before trying to form it. But since it was a hit, will be trying again. If it comes out better next time, maybe I'll snap a photo.
My holistic doctor who is helping me deal with my emotions, because our emotions color our health as you well know. She doesn't let me see what she is testing me for until I have a reaction, and then she tells me, which emotion is pinging on me. This week it was the emotion of feeling distorted.
As she got ready to help me clear this emotion from my system, she said "Imagine yourself in a fun house mirror."
me, "Why? All I have to do is to think about what I see when I look in the mirror."
her, "Oh, that must be so hard to deal with! Ok, think about that."
Does it really help? I'm not sure to be honest. What I do know is that it does bring me several things. One, I do feel more peaceful after my treatments, which is a huge help. And two, it brings to the forefront some of my emotions that I didn't really know I was experiencing.
I feel rather lost anymore, not sure of who I am. When it was rather forcefully brought to my attention that I was a girl, it did cause a total change in my personality. Before that I was rather serious, and prone to settling fights with my fists. Afterward I was the bubbly "girl", I know you remember one of those. But as I got into high school, I started dressing rather well....distorted. An odd mix of boy and girl clothes. And once on a dare by Porn Boy, dressed as full on girl, without any odd bits thrown in. Several of my "friends" didn't recognize me, so that tells me they weren't seeing the true me, but the false front me, the cardboard cutout that I used as me.
I would really like to find me somewhere in all this mass of boxes and to be comfortable enough to display the real me to all who look in my shop window. My bubbly "girl" has gone and I think for good. She wasn't ever real anyway, so thats good, yeah? But TH misses her, and wants her back, something that I don't think is possible, nor do I really miss her.......
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The long and winding road
Wednesday afternoon I woke up TH (the husband) early so we could get on the road and head on down to Soldotna and go fishing. And yeah you didn't read that wrong, it was afternoon and early for him, he works nights. I had everything packed and all he had to do was to load up the truck and off we went! We were hoping to see Mt. McKinley, but the weather was cloudy and rainy, so sigh no view.
Due to the mountainous and our thin population, cell phone coverage in Alaska is rather uneven. After passing Cantwell, though there is a really long stretch of the road where there isn't coverage. I guess it was because he knew that no one could interrupt us, TH started to talk about me, him and us. Shocking me to the core he told me that he wanted me to transition!! Yeah, you did read that right. He wants me to transition to make me happy. But is still resistant about being with me as a guy, so I'm still back to the same place on the marriage board. Girl suit = keep hubby. Boy suit = lose hubby. I told him point blank that the only reason I'm not transitioning was to keep us together, and that I was tired of the 24 hour poor him channel. Yes, I know this is tough on him, no doubts about that. But, really here I am once again pushing my needs to the bottom of the barrel. And I'm really tired of it, my entire life has been one of giving in to others needs and ignoring my own. If I'm going to make this sacrifice for us, then he needs to understand the depth of what it really means to me to live this way. I'm doing better living in the girl suit, and the grief period has mostly worn away. I do have bad days, but for the most part, life is getting back to normal.
We spent the night in Anchorage, and did some shopping the next morning before heading out for the Kenai Peninsula. We stopped by a nice water fall for a leg stretch.
I swear you can point your camera almost anywhere in this state and get something scenic in your lens. Now I've seen this waterfall millions of times, and while it's pretty, I do crave the new ya know. And this time, since we weren't in a rush to get to Soldotna, we stopped by Tern Lake. OMG! so, so so lovely, don't you agree?
We called the guide to find out what time we need to be at his house to leave for the boat launch. The tides determine when we leave. When TH told me we had to get up at 4:45 a.m. I lost feeling in my limbs for short time from the shock of getting up that early! But, trooper that I am, I got up and started to put on the millions of layers needed to be out on the river at 50F (10C). This is what I wore....long johns top and bottom, jeans thermal tee shirt, snow pants (yeah yeah I know) my winter parka, wool hat, winter boots, and a set of rain gear, and believe it or not I was still cold! That river is freaking cold that early! I had so much gear on it was hard to climb up into the his truck!
Boat loaded, and off we went zipping thru the dark to the "hole" where he fishes for silver salmon this time of the year and when the tide is at this point. We drop anchor, and he drops the anchor, baits the hooks and casts them into the the inky darkness of the Kenai River. TH gets the first nibble but it gets loose, so that means the next one is mine! Ohhh!!! Ok so now I'm all excited and waiting. Then just when I stop paying attention, my rod tip in the holder jerks down hard, signaling that there is a silver on the hook. After a few minutes of a fight, I pull a beautiful 10 pound female into the boat.
We are sitting there talking and having a good time with the guide, Tim. TH and I have been fishing with him now for around 30 years, we have watched each other kids grow up, and there was only the three of us in the boat, so there was plenty of time to chat. And then BAM! TH gets a massive hit on his rod, and Tim and TH start working to get the silver into the boat, when something catches the corner of my vision and I have one on too! I pulled the rod out of the holder and went to work landing my fish. Tim was so excited to have a double he now had two people to boss around at once! Which is tough even for him. Both fish were caught, they were both 15 pound males.
While Tim was cleaning the fish at the boat launch I asked him to cut the milt out because I've been told it's good eating. He cut it out and off we went to the fish processor to have our fish cut into chucks and frozen in vacuum packs. Then I remembered that our hotel room didn't have any place to cook. Hmm, so back to Tim's we went to ask if I could please borrow his kitchen. He said sure! Gave me a pan, some oil, lit the stove for me, as his pilot light is broken, and got about halfway out of the kitchen. He stopped and said, what did you say you were going to cook again? When I told him milt, he came back and turned the stove off, and told me no! Sigh.... next year we are getting a room where I can cook!
On the way home we encountered a huge back up of traffic due to road construction....now remember this is Alaska, so it's not hugely large for y'all but for us? It was big enough to make me snap a pic!
An awesome time was had, and I really can't wait to go back next year!
Due to the mountainous and our thin population, cell phone coverage in Alaska is rather uneven. After passing Cantwell, though there is a really long stretch of the road where there isn't coverage. I guess it was because he knew that no one could interrupt us, TH started to talk about me, him and us. Shocking me to the core he told me that he wanted me to transition!! Yeah, you did read that right. He wants me to transition to make me happy. But is still resistant about being with me as a guy, so I'm still back to the same place on the marriage board. Girl suit = keep hubby. Boy suit = lose hubby. I told him point blank that the only reason I'm not transitioning was to keep us together, and that I was tired of the 24 hour poor him channel. Yes, I know this is tough on him, no doubts about that. But, really here I am once again pushing my needs to the bottom of the barrel. And I'm really tired of it, my entire life has been one of giving in to others needs and ignoring my own. If I'm going to make this sacrifice for us, then he needs to understand the depth of what it really means to me to live this way. I'm doing better living in the girl suit, and the grief period has mostly worn away. I do have bad days, but for the most part, life is getting back to normal.
We spent the night in Anchorage, and did some shopping the next morning before heading out for the Kenai Peninsula. We stopped by a nice water fall for a leg stretch.
I swear you can point your camera almost anywhere in this state and get something scenic in your lens. Now I've seen this waterfall millions of times, and while it's pretty, I do crave the new ya know. And this time, since we weren't in a rush to get to Soldotna, we stopped by Tern Lake. OMG! so, so so lovely, don't you agree?
We called the guide to find out what time we need to be at his house to leave for the boat launch. The tides determine when we leave. When TH told me we had to get up at 4:45 a.m. I lost feeling in my limbs for short time from the shock of getting up that early! But, trooper that I am, I got up and started to put on the millions of layers needed to be out on the river at 50F (10C). This is what I wore....long johns top and bottom, jeans thermal tee shirt, snow pants (yeah yeah I know) my winter parka, wool hat, winter boots, and a set of rain gear, and believe it or not I was still cold! That river is freaking cold that early! I had so much gear on it was hard to climb up into the his truck!
Boat loaded, and off we went zipping thru the dark to the "hole" where he fishes for silver salmon this time of the year and when the tide is at this point. We drop anchor, and he drops the anchor, baits the hooks and casts them into the the inky darkness of the Kenai River. TH gets the first nibble but it gets loose, so that means the next one is mine! Ohhh!!! Ok so now I'm all excited and waiting. Then just when I stop paying attention, my rod tip in the holder jerks down hard, signaling that there is a silver on the hook. After a few minutes of a fight, I pull a beautiful 10 pound female into the boat.
We are sitting there talking and having a good time with the guide, Tim. TH and I have been fishing with him now for around 30 years, we have watched each other kids grow up, and there was only the three of us in the boat, so there was plenty of time to chat. And then BAM! TH gets a massive hit on his rod, and Tim and TH start working to get the silver into the boat, when something catches the corner of my vision and I have one on too! I pulled the rod out of the holder and went to work landing my fish. Tim was so excited to have a double he now had two people to boss around at once! Which is tough even for him. Both fish were caught, they were both 15 pound males.
While Tim was cleaning the fish at the boat launch I asked him to cut the milt out because I've been told it's good eating. He cut it out and off we went to the fish processor to have our fish cut into chucks and frozen in vacuum packs. Then I remembered that our hotel room didn't have any place to cook. Hmm, so back to Tim's we went to ask if I could please borrow his kitchen. He said sure! Gave me a pan, some oil, lit the stove for me, as his pilot light is broken, and got about halfway out of the kitchen. He stopped and said, what did you say you were going to cook again? When I told him milt, he came back and turned the stove off, and told me no! Sigh.... next year we are getting a room where I can cook!
On the way home we encountered a huge back up of traffic due to road construction....now remember this is Alaska, so it's not hugely large for y'all but for us? It was big enough to make me snap a pic!
An awesome time was had, and I really can't wait to go back next year!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Junk drawer
Since I keep getting asked how I am doing, will start there, and then we'll just root around in the junk drawer. As a whole, I'm doing alright. I do admit however that something broke inside of me two weeks ago, and I'm just not the same person inside. Part of what I'm feeling is anger at once again setting aside my wishes and desires for someone else. The good thing that has come out of it, is that I'm no longer such a door mat to TH's (the husband) desires and wishes. I'm not backing down any longer, he got the last big thing out of me that I'm willing to give to him.
Prop 8 and the straight Americans. So, I had my hair cut today, it came out to short, so next time will have to be more clear about what I want, but any way.... We started talking about recent movies we had seen, and thought I would see how she felt about gay marriage. I started talking about the documentary "8: The Mormon Proposition" She listened for a while and then asked what prop 8 was. What this says to me is that the current struggle for civil rights for LBGT people isn't reaching a great many of Americans. Does anyone watch the news on ABC, CBS, or NBC so you could tell me if or how these stations are covering the fight for gay marriage, for the repeal of DADT, or the fight to pass ENDA? I'm thinking that the alliances that are fighting for civil rights maybe should re-think their battle plans, because it seems as though the status quo isn't reaching the people we need to reach.
Summers swan song. I've noticed in the last week, some of the trees are showing yellow leaves here and there.... we are almost out of summer and into fall. Two Sunday's ago, it was 88, this last Sunday was all of 58. My what a diff in only one week. Oh well, maybe we will have one of those super long falls that we are sometimes blessed with.
Smoke on the water, and in the air, etc. This summer has been a really low forest fire season. Fire season started galloping quickly down the straight away as soon as the snow melted off, and at one point in June we had already surpassed some years total fire acreage, and then due to a really rainy July, most all of them are out, and no new ones started. There is one fire though that just wont die! Its fairly close to our town, and its in a military bombing range, and the military doesn't want fire fighters out there wandering around, possibly getting blown up. So, the fire smolders, and smokes, and then in a dry spell will crackle and spread. Today was a really smoky day, I'm just hoping that the snow finally puts a death note on it. Though they have been known to smolder under the snow all winter long. If you're interested in looking at the smoke and the current fires, visit UAF Smoke.
Hooked! Tomorrow we leave to head for the Kenai River to go silver salmon fishing. I haven't been in many years, and am excited to go. I love fishing for silvers for two reasons, They are super tasty fish, I love them canned, grilled and broiled. If you get the chance to eat grilled or broiled salmon, try the skin, if its crispy, it's super delicious! It seems that most tourists are only interested in fishing for king salmon, which I don't think is as tasty, so the river is much less crowded. This late in the tourist season too, so that does help ease the traffic on the river.
Prop 8 and the straight Americans. So, I had my hair cut today, it came out to short, so next time will have to be more clear about what I want, but any way.... We started talking about recent movies we had seen, and thought I would see how she felt about gay marriage. I started talking about the documentary "8: The Mormon Proposition" She listened for a while and then asked what prop 8 was. What this says to me is that the current struggle for civil rights for LBGT people isn't reaching a great many of Americans. Does anyone watch the news on ABC, CBS, or NBC so you could tell me if or how these stations are covering the fight for gay marriage, for the repeal of DADT, or the fight to pass ENDA? I'm thinking that the alliances that are fighting for civil rights maybe should re-think their battle plans, because it seems as though the status quo isn't reaching the people we need to reach.
Summers swan song. I've noticed in the last week, some of the trees are showing yellow leaves here and there.... we are almost out of summer and into fall. Two Sunday's ago, it was 88, this last Sunday was all of 58. My what a diff in only one week. Oh well, maybe we will have one of those super long falls that we are sometimes blessed with.
Smoke on the water, and in the air, etc. This summer has been a really low forest fire season. Fire season started galloping quickly down the straight away as soon as the snow melted off, and at one point in June we had already surpassed some years total fire acreage, and then due to a really rainy July, most all of them are out, and no new ones started. There is one fire though that just wont die! Its fairly close to our town, and its in a military bombing range, and the military doesn't want fire fighters out there wandering around, possibly getting blown up. So, the fire smolders, and smokes, and then in a dry spell will crackle and spread. Today was a really smoky day, I'm just hoping that the snow finally puts a death note on it. Though they have been known to smolder under the snow all winter long. If you're interested in looking at the smoke and the current fires, visit UAF Smoke.
Hooked! Tomorrow we leave to head for the Kenai River to go silver salmon fishing. I haven't been in many years, and am excited to go. I love fishing for silvers for two reasons, They are super tasty fish, I love them canned, grilled and broiled. If you get the chance to eat grilled or broiled salmon, try the skin, if its crispy, it's super delicious! It seems that most tourists are only interested in fishing for king salmon, which I don't think is as tasty, so the river is much less crowded. This late in the tourist season too, so that does help ease the traffic on the river.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
learning to fly
While I don't belong to any formalized religion, I do have a belief system. It is primarily based on the idea of being good to each other, the whole golden rule thing we are taught in kindergarten. Which if you think about it, is actually a good way to live. If we were all polite and kind to each other, most of our laws wouldn't be necessary....as you can tell I'm an idealist.
Most religions seem to agree on the big issues, not killing other humans and holding their followers to be honest, kind and 'moral'. Religions divert into interesting pathways of what they feel to be acceptable 'moral' behavior. The view that we cycle again and again with our souls intact attempting to work our way up the ladder to reach nirvana. And if you find yourself in the body of a female, then you obviously have a long way to go.
I think diversity in all things is, well a good thing, including religion. Often we get so caught up in the tangled net of different = bad, that we begin to force our personal views upon others. I don't care what religion you follow, what book you use to learn from that is the sacred words of your G-d, they all can be twisted into 'proving' a point, making a person, a group, or an idea against G-d's word. Humans are tricky tricky beings who will say and do almost anything to get what they want. Counter that with the fact we tend to be sheep and love to follow behind someone who is willing to lead.
And it really doesn't take much to make others 'suspect' to us. Something as simple as not having a tv, a cell phone, or desiring sex from any gender can open the door to at the very least verbal abuse. I've known many people without a tv, or a desire to have one, had no interest in watching movies or listening to music, and once people find this tidbit of information about these fellow travelers, the whispering campaign against them begins. They are weird! Odd! Not to be trusted! Scratch most of our surfaces and you will find a 13 year old. We are so worried about being pointed out as different, we begin to camouflage our true selves to blend in, and will often throw the first 'stone' to cause a diversion to keep others from noticing our differences. No no, not me! I'm normal, it's this guy who you should worry about!
As religions became more organized and more powerful they began to exert pressure on the ruling bodies to align the laws of the area with the legal laws. Why? I think it all boils down into two parts. One, the whole needing a large group of people to be just like us, even if it does require force to mold non-believers into the form of acceptable behavior. Because if most of the people believe as you do, how on earth can you be wrong? The few who refuse to live the guidelines must be wrong, or even more worrisome, evil. These evil beings are liars, tricksters, seducers to a G-dless life. And funnily enough often decades flow past where this type of person is seemingly not a threat to 'life as we know it'. Until a tectonic shift occurs in culture and someone must be to blame for a changing world that makes no sense, and so our scapegoats are born. We are all aware of many of our past and still to some extent, current scapegoats. We structure our scapegoats from many different building blocks: religious peoples ( jewish, muslim, catholics, hindus, etc), color of skin, origin of country (China, Ireland, India, etc.) and some 'lucky' people belong to more that one group! Oh, lucky lucky them!
Two, fear pure and simple. Why fear? Well, most religions seem to operate at least to some degree on fear. Fear you won't get into heaven. Fear that G-d would take offense with your culture if there was not enough adherence to religious law within your population, and do something nasty like flooding the earth, etc. Fear that what others are doing is 'counter' than how you're living, or at the very least different, and different =bad/evil/worries.
From what I have read, most earth based religions seemingly understand that lgbt people have a place in the fabric that the gods have woven for us, and are accepted and in some cases revered. It wasn't until the male god religions effectively sidelined many of the earth religions that things got tricky for many groups of people. Among them of course were/are lgbt, women and children, and the elderly. So basically if you're not young, male and straight, pffft you are worthless and merely chattel to be able to be treated with little or no regard. Why? I truly wished I knew how a society could effectually turn their backs on a major portion of society.
In the past 100 years or so, our country has been experiencing an upheaval in how it views many of citizens. Black people had to work hard to be accepted as human beings, be allowed to vote, and allowed to marry someone of a different race. Women struggled to be seen as equal to men, to be allowed to vote, and to be considered to be a 'head of household' for tax purposes. And each and every time different groups of people struggled to be seen as equal worthy citizens, as needing and deserving rights and protections afforded to others, religious houses have rang with thunderous denouncements about the end of society as we know it. How this will be the death of our country, the beginning of the end as it were. To be sure, there are always a few out of step religious houses fighting for these downtrodden people, but their voices are thin and fairly ineffectual against the louder din of the popular masses. And after each group received their civil rights, a new scapegoat was born to fill that need to blame a faceless someone.
And here we are again, listening to religious houses thunder and using up air time, ink in newspapers, magazines and books to denounce yet another group of people who are fighting for equal civil rights and protections, using the same worn out and tired line of the end of the world as we know it. From what I have personally seen, and reading around in history books, as the din from religious groups grows louder against any group, this is a signal that the tide is beginning to turn for the marginalized group. As the arguments against allowing lbgt people civil rights become ever more absurd, you know they are scraping the bottom of the argument barrel. The people who honestly believe the nonsense that is spewed out is getting smaller and smaller every day. Sadly, one of the reasons for this change in attitudes is the passing of many of our elders, because elders are usually the staunch backbone of change is bad viewpoint.
Even if you're a member of a marginalized group, you're still not "safe" within your community. Because within each community of peoples are ranks, these are considered "better" and others are surviving below the bottom rung. And one thing about the people who are "better" in each marginalized community seems to be the ability to "pass" as a member of the majority group.
In the LGBT world, the men who are "straight acting" and "very masculine" and who can "pass" as straight seem to be on the top of the hierarchy, with "femme" men near the bottom of acceptability. Femme guys can't "pass" as what our society thinks a man should be. Transgender people are below the femmes due to the lack of adherence to gender roles with their expressed sex, or so I believe. Could it all this hatred of femmes and trans, boil down to something as simple as misogyny?
Several "facts" make me think this so. One of which is that "butch" lesbians are usually looked at as more capable and dependable than women in general, and transmen assimilate more easily into our society than do the transwomen. Why? Because it's much easier for a transmen to "pass" than for the average transwomen. Second think about these tasks that a woman traditionally did in the home, cooking, sewing, accounting. What they all have in common is that once out of the home, women had trouble breaking into these as paying jobs. Women only in the recent past have managed to make a name for themselves in fashion design. Yes, yes, I know Coco Chanel is an exception, but there always seem to be those. As recently as 10 years ago women were still fighting to gain acceptance into restaurant kitchens as equals. And we all the know the jokes about women not being good with numbers……or with money.
Society has very rigid and tight gender roles, step out of the norm, and there be dragons. Transgender and femmes are counter to these visual roles, and it makes some people uncomfortable. If we make a template where men are considered to be the best of society, and women are not as important members, then men who exhibit the characteristics of women would of course be looked down on. And people who blur the line between male and female would be seen as a threat to society.
Personally I have noticed that since I've started up "butch" up my appearance to downplay my femininity, that I am being treated differently. I seem to be treated better in hardware stores, and auto part shops. Men seem more likely to strike up a conversation, and women less. So, have I joined even peripherally the society of maleness? I just don't know. But what I do know, is it's time for us to be more accepting of all gender presentations and roles, and for all of our people to be seen as important members of our society. To evolve is to live, stagnation leads to death. As for me, I'm going to attempt to evolve, I'm going to learn how to fly.
Most religions seem to agree on the big issues, not killing other humans and holding their followers to be honest, kind and 'moral'. Religions divert into interesting pathways of what they feel to be acceptable 'moral' behavior. The view that we cycle again and again with our souls intact attempting to work our way up the ladder to reach nirvana. And if you find yourself in the body of a female, then you obviously have a long way to go.
I think diversity in all things is, well a good thing, including religion. Often we get so caught up in the tangled net of different = bad, that we begin to force our personal views upon others. I don't care what religion you follow, what book you use to learn from that is the sacred words of your G-d, they all can be twisted into 'proving' a point, making a person, a group, or an idea against G-d's word. Humans are tricky tricky beings who will say and do almost anything to get what they want. Counter that with the fact we tend to be sheep and love to follow behind someone who is willing to lead.
And it really doesn't take much to make others 'suspect' to us. Something as simple as not having a tv, a cell phone, or desiring sex from any gender can open the door to at the very least verbal abuse. I've known many people without a tv, or a desire to have one, had no interest in watching movies or listening to music, and once people find this tidbit of information about these fellow travelers, the whispering campaign against them begins. They are weird! Odd! Not to be trusted! Scratch most of our surfaces and you will find a 13 year old. We are so worried about being pointed out as different, we begin to camouflage our true selves to blend in, and will often throw the first 'stone' to cause a diversion to keep others from noticing our differences. No no, not me! I'm normal, it's this guy who you should worry about!
As religions became more organized and more powerful they began to exert pressure on the ruling bodies to align the laws of the area with the legal laws. Why? I think it all boils down into two parts. One, the whole needing a large group of people to be just like us, even if it does require force to mold non-believers into the form of acceptable behavior. Because if most of the people believe as you do, how on earth can you be wrong? The few who refuse to live the guidelines must be wrong, or even more worrisome, evil. These evil beings are liars, tricksters, seducers to a G-dless life. And funnily enough often decades flow past where this type of person is seemingly not a threat to 'life as we know it'. Until a tectonic shift occurs in culture and someone must be to blame for a changing world that makes no sense, and so our scapegoats are born. We are all aware of many of our past and still to some extent, current scapegoats. We structure our scapegoats from many different building blocks: religious peoples ( jewish, muslim, catholics, hindus, etc), color of skin, origin of country (China, Ireland, India, etc.) and some 'lucky' people belong to more that one group! Oh, lucky lucky them!
Two, fear pure and simple. Why fear? Well, most religions seem to operate at least to some degree on fear. Fear you won't get into heaven. Fear that G-d would take offense with your culture if there was not enough adherence to religious law within your population, and do something nasty like flooding the earth, etc. Fear that what others are doing is 'counter' than how you're living, or at the very least different, and different =bad/evil/worries.
From what I have read, most earth based religions seemingly understand that lgbt people have a place in the fabric that the gods have woven for us, and are accepted and in some cases revered. It wasn't until the male god religions effectively sidelined many of the earth religions that things got tricky for many groups of people. Among them of course were/are lgbt, women and children, and the elderly. So basically if you're not young, male and straight, pffft you are worthless and merely chattel to be able to be treated with little or no regard. Why? I truly wished I knew how a society could effectually turn their backs on a major portion of society.
In the past 100 years or so, our country has been experiencing an upheaval in how it views many of citizens. Black people had to work hard to be accepted as human beings, be allowed to vote, and allowed to marry someone of a different race. Women struggled to be seen as equal to men, to be allowed to vote, and to be considered to be a 'head of household' for tax purposes. And each and every time different groups of people struggled to be seen as equal worthy citizens, as needing and deserving rights and protections afforded to others, religious houses have rang with thunderous denouncements about the end of society as we know it. How this will be the death of our country, the beginning of the end as it were. To be sure, there are always a few out of step religious houses fighting for these downtrodden people, but their voices are thin and fairly ineffectual against the louder din of the popular masses. And after each group received their civil rights, a new scapegoat was born to fill that need to blame a faceless someone.
And here we are again, listening to religious houses thunder and using up air time, ink in newspapers, magazines and books to denounce yet another group of people who are fighting for equal civil rights and protections, using the same worn out and tired line of the end of the world as we know it. From what I have personally seen, and reading around in history books, as the din from religious groups grows louder against any group, this is a signal that the tide is beginning to turn for the marginalized group. As the arguments against allowing lbgt people civil rights become ever more absurd, you know they are scraping the bottom of the argument barrel. The people who honestly believe the nonsense that is spewed out is getting smaller and smaller every day. Sadly, one of the reasons for this change in attitudes is the passing of many of our elders, because elders are usually the staunch backbone of change is bad viewpoint.
Even if you're a member of a marginalized group, you're still not "safe" within your community. Because within each community of peoples are ranks, these are considered "better" and others are surviving below the bottom rung. And one thing about the people who are "better" in each marginalized community seems to be the ability to "pass" as a member of the majority group.
In the LGBT world, the men who are "straight acting" and "very masculine" and who can "pass" as straight seem to be on the top of the hierarchy, with "femme" men near the bottom of acceptability. Femme guys can't "pass" as what our society thinks a man should be. Transgender people are below the femmes due to the lack of adherence to gender roles with their expressed sex, or so I believe. Could it all this hatred of femmes and trans, boil down to something as simple as misogyny?
Several "facts" make me think this so. One of which is that "butch" lesbians are usually looked at as more capable and dependable than women in general, and transmen assimilate more easily into our society than do the transwomen. Why? Because it's much easier for a transmen to "pass" than for the average transwomen. Second think about these tasks that a woman traditionally did in the home, cooking, sewing, accounting. What they all have in common is that once out of the home, women had trouble breaking into these as paying jobs. Women only in the recent past have managed to make a name for themselves in fashion design. Yes, yes, I know Coco Chanel is an exception, but there always seem to be those. As recently as 10 years ago women were still fighting to gain acceptance into restaurant kitchens as equals. And we all the know the jokes about women not being good with numbers……or with money.
Society has very rigid and tight gender roles, step out of the norm, and there be dragons. Transgender and femmes are counter to these visual roles, and it makes some people uncomfortable. If we make a template where men are considered to be the best of society, and women are not as important members, then men who exhibit the characteristics of women would of course be looked down on. And people who blur the line between male and female would be seen as a threat to society.
Personally I have noticed that since I've started up "butch" up my appearance to downplay my femininity, that I am being treated differently. I seem to be treated better in hardware stores, and auto part shops. Men seem more likely to strike up a conversation, and women less. So, have I joined even peripherally the society of maleness? I just don't know. But what I do know, is it's time for us to be more accepting of all gender presentations and roles, and for all of our people to be seen as important members of our society. To evolve is to live, stagnation leads to death. As for me, I'm going to attempt to evolve, I'm going to learn how to fly.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Watch, cheer and cry
I've been spending a great amount of time reading prop8trialtracker lately. I'm eager for the latest tidbits of how the case in California is going, and need updates several times a day. Today this video was featured. I'm posting it here not knowing how many people do visit this worthy site, because this video should not be missed!
Her name is Patti Ellis, and this woman is a most excellent mother. If only more parents were like this, our world would be perfect, or as close to it as us flawed humans can manage.
The video is from Anthony Ash click the link to read his entire article.
Her name is Patti Ellis, and this woman is a most excellent mother. If only more parents were like this, our world would be perfect, or as close to it as us flawed humans can manage.
The video is from Anthony Ash click the link to read his entire article.
Friday, August 13, 2010
new shoes
ok, well you see i have a new blog color scheme. following this change, i'm going to try to change my attitude. i've succeeded in scaring my friends, and hubby....and that is something that i'm not happy about. i've never been this depressed ever, and need to do something NOW. not next week, not later, but NOW. because if i don't do something to pull myself out of this tailspin soon.......i'll soon be unable to get out of bed, and i'm NOT going there!
looking at it logically, i only have two choices, stay in the girl suit, or metamorphose in male form. sigh as much as i want to be male, i refuse to risk, and possibly lose the love of my family. and no im not being a doormat here. i grew up without love, being told every day that i was unwanted, and that i ruined her life and wished that i had never been born, and let me tell you, that was a horrid way to grow up. TH's love was like rain on a desert, i soaked up every drop, and finally began to bloom into a much more confident person. abet one who is never sure that any one really wants me around, super thanks female parent!
what i am going to try to do, is to find a way to blend all of me into a whole and happy person. i've done a lot of thinking today, along with so much crying that hours later my face still hurts hours later after the tears dried up. if you think about it, no one is 100% male or female, we all have notes of both in the song of our personality. Often we blend these notes without even realizing it, and thats my goal to blend until i'm happy again. no need to toss any of me on the trash heap, all of me is worthy of keeping. i just need to find a happy place for all of me.
starting from the top down, i'm happy with my hair, and glasses, so w00t! ok, i'm not happy with the rest of my body, but maybe with some determination i can start using my treadmill and lifting weights again. if i'm going to keep this 'suit' then it's going to be in shape again. my thinking is that if i can 'masculine' up by getting in shape that will help a lot. the really weird thing is that for whatever reason, i've always built up muscle easily and tend to have larger biceps than is usual for females to the point where i have trouble getting shirts cause my arms are so big. so does this mean i have a larger amount of testosterone floating around inside than usual? not sure.
and i'm going to stop wobbling about if i should get rid of my girl clothes. yeah, they are out of the closet but only as far as my garage...... so tomorrow when i go to the grocery, i'll drop them off. honestly i think i'm suffering from a lack of confidence, so i hope by following through with the jettisoning of the "old me" clothes, it will help me to move forward. i need to have a battle plan and stick with it! no more whining. no more being so wishy washy about who i am.
i am a guy.
i have a non-conforming body.
i will find my joy again and refuse to let this beat me down any longer!
i need a theme song for this fight of mine, and here is my song to get me thru this.
and here is the lyrics to "Fighting Song" by Miyavi
Fight!
What's up my friend, cheer up... but am I not particularly at a loss?
Well for now toss out the bad things & irritating things, toss out everything on unburnable trash day,
Yet mankind, if were all told by their mothers "you can do anything if you try~"
She loves the ugly you & clumsy you, stinky-feet you and everything anyway.
Just burn up the white flag... or like, you don't have to be prepared right from the beginning.
This is Fighting Song
Beat 'em
Finish 'em off
Try & try.
We don't have to put up our fists.
So we can follow on forward.
It's your Fighting Song
Beat 'em
Finish 'em off
Never give up and Go.
looking at it logically, i only have two choices, stay in the girl suit, or metamorphose in male form. sigh as much as i want to be male, i refuse to risk, and possibly lose the love of my family. and no im not being a doormat here. i grew up without love, being told every day that i was unwanted, and that i ruined her life and wished that i had never been born, and let me tell you, that was a horrid way to grow up. TH's love was like rain on a desert, i soaked up every drop, and finally began to bloom into a much more confident person. abet one who is never sure that any one really wants me around, super thanks female parent!
what i am going to try to do, is to find a way to blend all of me into a whole and happy person. i've done a lot of thinking today, along with so much crying that hours later my face still hurts hours later after the tears dried up. if you think about it, no one is 100% male or female, we all have notes of both in the song of our personality. Often we blend these notes without even realizing it, and thats my goal to blend until i'm happy again. no need to toss any of me on the trash heap, all of me is worthy of keeping. i just need to find a happy place for all of me.
starting from the top down, i'm happy with my hair, and glasses, so w00t! ok, i'm not happy with the rest of my body, but maybe with some determination i can start using my treadmill and lifting weights again. if i'm going to keep this 'suit' then it's going to be in shape again. my thinking is that if i can 'masculine' up by getting in shape that will help a lot. the really weird thing is that for whatever reason, i've always built up muscle easily and tend to have larger biceps than is usual for females to the point where i have trouble getting shirts cause my arms are so big. so does this mean i have a larger amount of testosterone floating around inside than usual? not sure.
and i'm going to stop wobbling about if i should get rid of my girl clothes. yeah, they are out of the closet but only as far as my garage...... so tomorrow when i go to the grocery, i'll drop them off. honestly i think i'm suffering from a lack of confidence, so i hope by following through with the jettisoning of the "old me" clothes, it will help me to move forward. i need to have a battle plan and stick with it! no more whining. no more being so wishy washy about who i am.
i am a guy.
i have a non-conforming body.
i will find my joy again and refuse to let this beat me down any longer!
i need a theme song for this fight of mine, and here is my song to get me thru this.
and here is the lyrics to "Fighting Song" by Miyavi
Fight!
What's up my friend, cheer up... but am I not particularly at a loss?
Well for now toss out the bad things & irritating things, toss out everything on unburnable trash day,
Yet mankind, if were all told by their mothers "you can do anything if you try~"
She loves the ugly you & clumsy you, stinky-feet you and everything anyway.
Just burn up the white flag... or like, you don't have to be prepared right from the beginning.
This is Fighting Song
Beat 'em
Finish 'em off
Try & try.
We don't have to put up our fists.
So we can follow on forward.
It's your Fighting Song
Beat 'em
Finish 'em off
Never give up and Go.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Cement shoes
I'm just about used up. Nothing left. Empty.
T.H. is being a total ass. If he whines one more fucking time about how hard this is for him, I swear to god I'll walk away for good. All I hear from him is, "Boo hoo! You're going to leave me! I'm so upset and depressed."
Like what the fuck does he think I am? Giddy with delight? Overflowing with happiness? I've gotten to the point where I can't hardly leave the house for fear of breaking down in public. And when I do have to go out, I'm frozen afraid that any emotion will cause me to crack open and tears to pour out of me.
All during all of this, I'm still playing the part of Happy Homemaker. Making his lunches, cooking his suppers, laundry, dishes, bills, etc........ One day when it was just all to much and he had to go and pick up stuff for both his supper and lunch (he works nights so much carry a lunch) he acted all put upon.
I wanted to do 5 on the fifth. The theme was "on the road" and my mind filled in "to destruction". And planned pics of a handgun, beer, a syringe, a rope, and a bridge.........My thoughts are getting darker, as I sink ever deeper into depression.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Prop 8 ruled unconstitutional by Adam Bink
I just finished reading the meat of the decision. Chief Judge Vaughn Walker has ruled Prop 8 is unconstitutional on both Equal Protection and Due Process grounds. Huge win. The decision is likely to be appealed to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. Developing…
UPDATE (1:43 PST): Here’s the conclusion from the decision.
CONCLUSION
Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. Because California has no interest in discriminating against gay men and lesbians, and because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis,the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional.
REMEDIES
Plaintiffs have demonstrated by overwhelming evidence that Proposition 8 violates their due process and equal protection rights and that they will continue to suffer these constitutional violations until state officials cease enforcement of Proposition 8. California is able to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, as it has already issued 18,000 marriage licenses to same-sex couples and has not suffered any demonstrated harm as a result, see FF 64-66; moreover, California officials have chosen not to defend Proposition 8 in these proceedings.
Because Proposition 8 is unconstitutional under both the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses, the court orders entry of judgment permanently enjoining its enforcement; prohibiting the official defendants from applying or enforcing Proposition 8 and directing the official defendants that all persons under their control or supervision shall not apply or enforce Proposition 8. The clerk is DIRECTED to enter judgment without bond in favor of plaintiffs and plaintiff-intervenors and against defendants anddefendant-intervenors pursuant to FRCP 58.
IT IS SO ORDERED.
The full decision can be found here. Notable segments are on pages
UPDATE (10:46): Other notable segment:
CONCLUSIONS OF LAW
Plaintiffs challenge Proposition 8 under the Due Process
and Equal Protection Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment. Each
challenge is independently meritorious, as Proposition 8 both
unconstitutionally burdens the exercise of the fundamental right to
marry and creates an irrational classification on the basis of
sexual orientation.
Reposted from prop8trialtracker
UPDATE (1:43 PST): Here’s the conclusion from the decision.
CONCLUSION
Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. Because California has no interest in discriminating against gay men and lesbians, and because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis,the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional.
REMEDIES
Plaintiffs have demonstrated by overwhelming evidence that Proposition 8 violates their due process and equal protection rights and that they will continue to suffer these constitutional violations until state officials cease enforcement of Proposition 8. California is able to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, as it has already issued 18,000 marriage licenses to same-sex couples and has not suffered any demonstrated harm as a result, see FF 64-66; moreover, California officials have chosen not to defend Proposition 8 in these proceedings.
Because Proposition 8 is unconstitutional under both the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses, the court orders entry of judgment permanently enjoining its enforcement; prohibiting the official defendants from applying or enforcing Proposition 8 and directing the official defendants that all persons under their control or supervision shall not apply or enforce Proposition 8. The clerk is DIRECTED to enter judgment without bond in favor of plaintiffs and plaintiff-intervenors and against defendants anddefendant-intervenors pursuant to FRCP 58.
IT IS SO ORDERED.
The full decision can be found here. Notable segments are on pages
UPDATE (10:46): Other notable segment:
CONCLUSIONS OF LAW
Plaintiffs challenge Proposition 8 under the Due Process
and Equal Protection Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment. Each
challenge is independently meritorious, as Proposition 8 both
unconstitutionally burdens the exercise of the fundamental right to
marry and creates an irrational classification on the basis of
sexual orientation.
Reposted from prop8trialtracker
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
My grand baby is a fangirl!
Once a week or so, I go over to the son's house and babysit while they get a chance to have some together time. The go out to eat, see a movie, or one night they did both! They both came back looking much more relaxed and refreshed. Because babies, for being such a small scrap of humanity, are very adept at completely taking over homes, lives and bending everyone to their tiny wills and very loud and very demanding needs.
So, wee little one and I were getting along wonderfully, she had been giving me her patented smiles, and I was talking to her, patting her tummy as she laid on her blanket on the floor, kicking and wiggling and just being a happy little person. Then she felt that she might have a corner of her tummy that was maybe not as full as necessary, so out came the whimpers, and the sad faces. In short order, her tummy corner was filled, her diaper changed and a nice sized burp had been coaxed out of her.
However for some reason known only to her, it was still whimper fussy city. Hmmm.... So, I picked her up and patted and rocked and walked and talked and still fussy fussy fussy! Sigh... In a weird moment of I'll try anything, I pulled my trusty Iphone from my pocket, clicked on the Itunes, and Miyavi was already to play. And wee little one, shut up! Her eyes got huge. She laid perfectly still listening to Miyavi sing. Ok! When the song came to an end, I tried other artists but none of them seemed to make her as happy as Miyavi did. And if you are wondering, No! I didn't play Marilyn Manson! Give me some credit.
Before she drifted off that night for her evening nap, she must have listened to this song 4 or 5 times. So now, whenever I babysit, this is the song I play for her when she is fussy.
Enjoy!
Monday, July 26, 2010
learning to fly
i feel that somewhere in this crash and burn that has become my life, a vital piece of me is lost. even on my best of times now i feel.........muted.
where did i lose me? i mean really, i'm the same person that i've always been, just awake now. yeah, no more submarining for me, no more running from who i am.........who knew that waking up would cause so much angst?
stupid silly optimistic me thought this would all be an easy journey. what a fucking fool i can be at times.
in all of this.......wasteland my inner life has become there are a few brightly lit areas. i love, love, love spending time with my wee little baby girl. she is just so sweet, and perfect. funnily enough, from what my son says, she smiles bigger and more for me than anyone besides him and his lovely wife. which is mega cool.
my hubby has a friend that he has had since 5th grade, and he has became my friend as well. a few days ago i came out to him. scared doesn't describe how i felt when i was telling him. he told me at the end that he still loves me. and to him, i'm still the most awesome person he has ever met.......
i'm poised on the edge of the cliff looking down, wanting to soar away into life. but i seem to have lost how to navigate the winds.
for some reason this person seems to really need the window dressing of a male mannequin in the shop window to be open for business. do i hate my current mannequin, no. just a huge lack of attachment to it.
adrift without a course to direct me to any shore. i cant live as a male. living as a female never was any kind of a fit. so where does that leave me to live?
life as androgyne, is the closest i can come to something that sorta kinda almost fits. to pull that off though i need some sort of chart, cause i have no clue how to blend the inner and outer of me into something i can feel comfortable with.
one of my comments a while back suggested that i take vacations to somewhere occasionally to live as a man. i'm afraid if i let me out of the box totally there would be no way to hold back the surgery.....and that isn't a viable option for me now. losing my hubby is something that i cant bear to think of.
where did i lose me? i mean really, i'm the same person that i've always been, just awake now. yeah, no more submarining for me, no more running from who i am.........who knew that waking up would cause so much angst?
stupid silly optimistic me thought this would all be an easy journey. what a fucking fool i can be at times.
in all of this.......wasteland my inner life has become there are a few brightly lit areas. i love, love, love spending time with my wee little baby girl. she is just so sweet, and perfect. funnily enough, from what my son says, she smiles bigger and more for me than anyone besides him and his lovely wife. which is mega cool.
my hubby has a friend that he has had since 5th grade, and he has became my friend as well. a few days ago i came out to him. scared doesn't describe how i felt when i was telling him. he told me at the end that he still loves me. and to him, i'm still the most awesome person he has ever met.......
i'm poised on the edge of the cliff looking down, wanting to soar away into life. but i seem to have lost how to navigate the winds.
for some reason this person seems to really need the window dressing of a male mannequin in the shop window to be open for business. do i hate my current mannequin, no. just a huge lack of attachment to it.
adrift without a course to direct me to any shore. i cant live as a male. living as a female never was any kind of a fit. so where does that leave me to live?
life as androgyne, is the closest i can come to something that sorta kinda almost fits. to pull that off though i need some sort of chart, cause i have no clue how to blend the inner and outer of me into something i can feel comfortable with.
one of my comments a while back suggested that i take vacations to somewhere occasionally to live as a man. i'm afraid if i let me out of the box totally there would be no way to hold back the surgery.....and that isn't a viable option for me now. losing my hubby is something that i cant bear to think of.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Yeah, I'm an optimist who sees a better future for lgbt
While I don't belong to any formalized religion, I do have a belief system. It is primarily based on the idea of being good to each other, the whole golden rule thing we are taught in kindergarten. Which if you think about it, is actually a good way to live. If we were all polite and kind to each other, most of our laws wouldn't be necessary....as you can tell I'm idealistic. This is my rambling thoughts on things...
Most religions seem to agree on the big issues, not killing other humans and to be the best person you can be holding their followers to be honest, kind and 'moral'. After the big issues religions divert into interesting pathways of what they feel to be acceptable 'moral' behavior. Food rules is a big one, not eating something or other, or only in certain combinations, i.e. no meat and milk products at the same meal. Not having physical contact with someone of the opposite sex, Orthodox Jews and Muslims are two that come to mind where even shaking hands or being alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex is considered 'wrong'. The view that we cycle again and again with our souls intact attempting to work our way up the ladder to reach nirvana. And if you find yourself in the body of a female, then you obviously have a long way to go, but at least you are one step up from an animal!
I think diversity in all things is, well a good thing, including religion. Often we get so caught up in the tangled net of different = bad, that we begin to force our personal views upon others. I don't care what religion you follow, what book you use to learn from that is the sacred words of your G-d, they all can be twisted into 'proving' a point, making a person, a group, or an idea against G-d's word. Humans are tricky tricky beings, and counter to that we tend to be sheep and love to follow behind someone who is willing to lead. Why? Well, I think it's mostly due to the fact that we all suffer to some degree from self doubt, and many of us lack the ability to walk counter to the current flow of the current culture comfortably and happily.
And it really doesn't take much to make others 'suspect' to us. Something as simple as not having a tv, a cell phone, or desiring sex from any gender can open the door to at the very least verbal abuse. I've known many people without a tv, or a desire to have one, had no interest in watching movies or listening to music, and once people find this tidbit of information about these fellow travelers, the whispering campaign against them begins. They are weird! Odd! Not to be trusted! Scratch most of our surfaces and you will find a 13 year old. This seems to be the age when we are just finding out who we are, how we are different from our parents, and if we are alike, similar or vastly counter to our age mates. We are so worried about being pointed out as different, we begin to camouflage our true selves to blend in, and will often throw the first 'stone' to cause a diversion to keep others from noticing our differences. No no, not me! I'm normal, it's this guy who you should worry about!
As religions became more organized and more powerful they began to exert pressure on the ruling bodies to align the laws of the area with the legal laws. Why? I think it all boils down into two parts. One, the whole needing a large group of people to be just like us, even if it does require force to mold non-believers into the form of acceptable behavior. Because if most of the people believe as you do, how on earth can you be wrong? The few who refuse to live the guidelines must be wrong, or even more worrisome, evil. These evil beings are liars, tricksters, seducers to a G-dless life and afterlife. And funnily enough often decades flow past where this type of person is seemingly not a threat to 'life as we know it'. Until a tectonic shift occurs in culture and someone must be to blame for a changing world around them. A change that is often not dealt with well, a change that can't be absorbed easily or for many rationally, and so our scapegoats are born. We are all aware of many of our past and still to some extent, current scapegoats. We structure our scapegoats from many different building blocks: religious peoples ( jewish, muslim, catholics, hindus, etc), color of skin, origin of country (China, Ireland, India, etc.) and some 'lucky' people belong to more that one group! Oh, lucky lucky them!
Two, fear pure and simple. Why fear? Well, most religions seem to operate at least to some degree on fear. Fear you won't get into heaven. Fear that G-d would take offense with your culture if there was not enough adherence to religious law within your population, and do something nasty like flooding the earth, etc. Fear that what others are doing is 'counter' than how you're living, or at the very least different, and different =bad/evil/worries.
From what I have read, most earth based religions seemingly understand that lgbt people have a place in the fabric that the gods have woven for them, and are accepted and in some cases revered. It wasn't until the male god religions effectively sidelined many of the earth religions that things got tricky for many groups of people. Among them of course were/are lgbt, women and children, and the elderly. So basically if you're not young, male and straight, pffft you are worthless and merely chattel to be able to be treated with little or no regard. Why? I truly wished I knew how a society could effectually turn their backs on a major portion of society.
Many people require a larger than usual 'alike' group to surround them, and they will blindly follow their piper into acts of atrocity, and acts that counter their religion. In this group are: the people who believed Hitler's poisonous views, Stalin's backers, and how many Americans treated our native peoples, and others to numerous to list. Sadly, I have to include many large religious groups, primally the Mormons and the Southern Baptists as groups who would do anything to cleanse society of unworthies. Those that are in charge of these religions force their lgbt members to either flee from their religion and families, or to live their entire life as a lie, conforming to keep their families, and their religion. Or even sadder are the people who believe the horrible lies they hear week after week in their churches and homes about how it's counter to G-d's wishes to be lbgt, and in grief and despair take their own lives to make the pain go away.
In the past 100 years or so, our country has been experiencing an upheaval in how it views many of citizens. Black people had to work hard to be accepted as human beings, be allowed to vote, and allowed to marry someone of a different race. Women struggled to be seen as equal to men, to be allowed to vote, and to be considered to be a 'head of household' for tax purposes. And each and every time different groups of people struggled to be seen as equal worthy citizens, as needing and deserving rights and protections afforded to others, religious houses have rang with thunderous denouncements about the end of society as we know it. How this will be the death of our country, the beginning of the end as it were. To be sure, there are always a few out of step religious houses fighting for these downtrodden people, but their voices are thin and fairly ineffectual against the louder din of the popular masses.
And here we are again, listening to religious houses thunder and using massive amounts of air time, ink in newspapers, magazines and books to denounce yet another group of people who are fighting for equal civil rights and protections, using the same worn out and tired line of the end of the world as we know it. From what I have personally seen, and reading around in history books, as the din from religious groups grows louder against any group, this is a signal that the tide is beginning to turn for the marginalized group. As the arguments against allowing lbgt people civil rights become ever more absurd, you know they are scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas. The people who honestly believe the nonsense that is spewed out is getting smaller and smaller every day. Sadly, one of the reasons for this change in attitude is the passing of many of our elders, because elders are usually the staunch backbone of the "change is bad viewpoint".
But like I said I'm an optimist who does believe/feel that civil rights and equality are very close to being within our grasp.
Most religions seem to agree on the big issues, not killing other humans and to be the best person you can be holding their followers to be honest, kind and 'moral'. After the big issues religions divert into interesting pathways of what they feel to be acceptable 'moral' behavior. Food rules is a big one, not eating something or other, or only in certain combinations, i.e. no meat and milk products at the same meal. Not having physical contact with someone of the opposite sex, Orthodox Jews and Muslims are two that come to mind where even shaking hands or being alone in a room with someone of the opposite sex is considered 'wrong'. The view that we cycle again and again with our souls intact attempting to work our way up the ladder to reach nirvana. And if you find yourself in the body of a female, then you obviously have a long way to go, but at least you are one step up from an animal!
I think diversity in all things is, well a good thing, including religion. Often we get so caught up in the tangled net of different = bad, that we begin to force our personal views upon others. I don't care what religion you follow, what book you use to learn from that is the sacred words of your G-d, they all can be twisted into 'proving' a point, making a person, a group, or an idea against G-d's word. Humans are tricky tricky beings, and counter to that we tend to be sheep and love to follow behind someone who is willing to lead. Why? Well, I think it's mostly due to the fact that we all suffer to some degree from self doubt, and many of us lack the ability to walk counter to the current flow of the current culture comfortably and happily.
And it really doesn't take much to make others 'suspect' to us. Something as simple as not having a tv, a cell phone, or desiring sex from any gender can open the door to at the very least verbal abuse. I've known many people without a tv, or a desire to have one, had no interest in watching movies or listening to music, and once people find this tidbit of information about these fellow travelers, the whispering campaign against them begins. They are weird! Odd! Not to be trusted! Scratch most of our surfaces and you will find a 13 year old. This seems to be the age when we are just finding out who we are, how we are different from our parents, and if we are alike, similar or vastly counter to our age mates. We are so worried about being pointed out as different, we begin to camouflage our true selves to blend in, and will often throw the first 'stone' to cause a diversion to keep others from noticing our differences. No no, not me! I'm normal, it's this guy who you should worry about!
As religions became more organized and more powerful they began to exert pressure on the ruling bodies to align the laws of the area with the legal laws. Why? I think it all boils down into two parts. One, the whole needing a large group of people to be just like us, even if it does require force to mold non-believers into the form of acceptable behavior. Because if most of the people believe as you do, how on earth can you be wrong? The few who refuse to live the guidelines must be wrong, or even more worrisome, evil. These evil beings are liars, tricksters, seducers to a G-dless life and afterlife. And funnily enough often decades flow past where this type of person is seemingly not a threat to 'life as we know it'. Until a tectonic shift occurs in culture and someone must be to blame for a changing world around them. A change that is often not dealt with well, a change that can't be absorbed easily or for many rationally, and so our scapegoats are born. We are all aware of many of our past and still to some extent, current scapegoats. We structure our scapegoats from many different building blocks: religious peoples ( jewish, muslim, catholics, hindus, etc), color of skin, origin of country (China, Ireland, India, etc.) and some 'lucky' people belong to more that one group! Oh, lucky lucky them!
Two, fear pure and simple. Why fear? Well, most religions seem to operate at least to some degree on fear. Fear you won't get into heaven. Fear that G-d would take offense with your culture if there was not enough adherence to religious law within your population, and do something nasty like flooding the earth, etc. Fear that what others are doing is 'counter' than how you're living, or at the very least different, and different =bad/evil/worries.
From what I have read, most earth based religions seemingly understand that lgbt people have a place in the fabric that the gods have woven for them, and are accepted and in some cases revered. It wasn't until the male god religions effectively sidelined many of the earth religions that things got tricky for many groups of people. Among them of course were/are lgbt, women and children, and the elderly. So basically if you're not young, male and straight, pffft you are worthless and merely chattel to be able to be treated with little or no regard. Why? I truly wished I knew how a society could effectually turn their backs on a major portion of society.
Many people require a larger than usual 'alike' group to surround them, and they will blindly follow their piper into acts of atrocity, and acts that counter their religion. In this group are: the people who believed Hitler's poisonous views, Stalin's backers, and how many Americans treated our native peoples, and others to numerous to list. Sadly, I have to include many large religious groups, primally the Mormons and the Southern Baptists as groups who would do anything to cleanse society of unworthies. Those that are in charge of these religions force their lgbt members to either flee from their religion and families, or to live their entire life as a lie, conforming to keep their families, and their religion. Or even sadder are the people who believe the horrible lies they hear week after week in their churches and homes about how it's counter to G-d's wishes to be lbgt, and in grief and despair take their own lives to make the pain go away.
In the past 100 years or so, our country has been experiencing an upheaval in how it views many of citizens. Black people had to work hard to be accepted as human beings, be allowed to vote, and allowed to marry someone of a different race. Women struggled to be seen as equal to men, to be allowed to vote, and to be considered to be a 'head of household' for tax purposes. And each and every time different groups of people struggled to be seen as equal worthy citizens, as needing and deserving rights and protections afforded to others, religious houses have rang with thunderous denouncements about the end of society as we know it. How this will be the death of our country, the beginning of the end as it were. To be sure, there are always a few out of step religious houses fighting for these downtrodden people, but their voices are thin and fairly ineffectual against the louder din of the popular masses.
And here we are again, listening to religious houses thunder and using massive amounts of air time, ink in newspapers, magazines and books to denounce yet another group of people who are fighting for equal civil rights and protections, using the same worn out and tired line of the end of the world as we know it. From what I have personally seen, and reading around in history books, as the din from religious groups grows louder against any group, this is a signal that the tide is beginning to turn for the marginalized group. As the arguments against allowing lbgt people civil rights become ever more absurd, you know they are scraping the bottom of the barrel for ideas. The people who honestly believe the nonsense that is spewed out is getting smaller and smaller every day. Sadly, one of the reasons for this change in attitude is the passing of many of our elders, because elders are usually the staunch backbone of the "change is bad viewpoint".
But like I said I'm an optimist who does believe/feel that civil rights and equality are very close to being within our grasp.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
despair
i've never felt this way before
empty
all i do is cry
or the tears are walled behind my eyes in a painful lake
i know that our bodies are only window dressing
but to never been seen for who i truly am
to never been seen as a man
ever
is painful
i'm at war with myself
life without my husband and children is unimaginable
that i will never see a true reflection in a mirror or another's eyes fills me full of grief
i lay on the sofa allowing endless tv shows to flicker over me
in each day are little blooming moments of almost feeling normal
bracketed with endless hours of feeling nothing
but grief
my jail is my body
the key is in my hand
but to use it
would kill my heart
empty
all i do is cry
or the tears are walled behind my eyes in a painful lake
i know that our bodies are only window dressing
but to never been seen for who i truly am
to never been seen as a man
ever
is painful
i'm at war with myself
life without my husband and children is unimaginable
that i will never see a true reflection in a mirror or another's eyes fills me full of grief
i lay on the sofa allowing endless tv shows to flicker over me
in each day are little blooming moments of almost feeling normal
bracketed with endless hours of feeling nothing
but grief
my jail is my body
the key is in my hand
but to use it
would kill my heart
Sunday, July 4, 2010
5 on the 5th
Well once again I'm doing the 5 on the fifth from Stephen Chapman's blog. This month the theme is "This Past Weekend" And for once I was busy on the weekend, AND had my camera, and actually took some pictures! Yeah I know shocking.
I pulled out of my closet all of the fem clothes that i didn't enjoy wearing that that weren't me. The sad thing is that three of the items pictured were never worn! Including the shoes. The other things were either worn once, or only a few times. But now they are gone! And I feel so happy to have them out of my closet, now if i could only come out as well....
My hubby's niece was getting married, so off we went to Anchorage to attend the gala event. This was a field of flowers at a lodge we stopped and had lunch at. Very scenic place, but honestly there is very little of Alaska that isn't scenic!
We ate at our favorite place for breakfast Snow City Cafe. There is always a line a mile long, and a wait for at the very least 25 minutes, and this is for breakfast! Weekend or week days, it doesn't seem to matter. They have started handing out the little buzzy blinky things that busy restaurants have, but for breakfast? Yeah, yeah I know, but the food is wonderful! They make the strawberry jam, have actual maple syrup, and enough choices to make any one happy!
And like everyone I know, while visiting Anchorage, one shops! We are in needing some new furniture, so we stopped several places to get an idea about what we wanted. I didn't get anything this time as we were traveling in my little Aveo, and yes my car is orange! Hubby was also in the need for some new clothing, so I drug him into a store and forced him to try on stuff, that shock of the world he both liked and took home!
The niece was lucky with the weather, it was extremely cloudy, but no rain! Whew! Cause let me tell you, the entire wedding party was sweating the weather. Hubby's brother was a bundle of nerves before the wedding, as he was giving his daughter away. And he was so sure he would do something wrong, or trip or he just didn't know what, but it got to be kinda funny actually. After the ceremony he calmed right down and enjoyed the party. Three of our sons and their wive/fiancee/girlfriend's came, along with the baby. We all sat at the same table and had a nice long visit. We also got to visit with family that we usually don't see very much, because they live so far from us. One way is around 8 hours, so yeah we only see them sporadically. It takes 5 hours to get to Anchorage, and yeah our state is freaking huge!
All in all it was a wonderful weekend. I'm glad we took the time to attend her wedding. Next summer we will be throwing a wedding for our 3rd son. So, these people we dont see to often will show up, and we shall have a chance to visit with them again.
Friday, June 25, 2010
R.I.P.
With the help of my therapist on Wednesday I came to the realization that the only way for me to honestly be happy was to transition. I went in and woke up TH (the husband) to tell him. I was crying and sobbing and had never been more afraid of any decision in my life. I knew it had to be done, and I was ready. Our third son is getting married next summer, and I had decided to wait until after his wedding to begin the process. But, even though I was scared of what life would be like for me, this was a step that I was ready to take.
As I laid in bed with TH, he began to fall apart, and started to cry. Since 2:30 pm Wednesday, he really hasn't stopped crying. He doesn't want to lose me, he can't live without me, his life has turned to black. No matter what I kept telling him, how I kept reassuring him, that I didn't want to leave him, that I still loved him greatly, that I would stay with him the rest of his life. And then went on to say, it was him that didn't want me in male form, and I totally and completely understood.
I started crying only a few minutes into my session with the therapist, and cried along with TH. I was grieving for my past life, worried about my future life, petrified about losing my children.....and so I cried, and kept crying, was unable to not cry. My head was going to explode, so I retreated to our darkened bedroom, and TH trailed along behind me, crying the entire way. After a few minutes, I held the sheet up to him, and told him to just strip down and get in bed with me. Scooting up so it was a full body spoon, he held me and let go with gale force tears, weeping as though his heart and been ripped out and stomped on.
My heart broke apart seeing what I had done to my very beloved TH. The only person I had ever fallen in love with. And most likely the only person I would ever love in that bone deep way. The last sounds I heart that night before falling asleep was TH crying, and shortly after he woke up, he began to cry again. We both cried almost all of yesterday, off and on.
I couldn't do this to him! For me to have hurt him so deeply is more than I can deal with. Life without my beloved TH, is not life at all! He brings joy to my heart, flavor to my day, life to my soul. And I know that even though he said I could stay, we could live together, just not as a sexual couple. In the darkest, deepest recesses of my soul, I knew he could never deal with having a male 'wife'. He is not built that way, he worries endlessly about being talked about, being pointed out, a victim of gossip. Me? I'm used to being on the outside of society, of not fitting in, of being pointed at, gossiped about, my heart and soul, had a nice hard callus to protect it from these sorts of arrows and bullets. I am the stronger of us. I am the one who trudges along through the harrowing times, supporting him, carrying him until the footing becomes firmer, and he is able to walk on his own, holding my hand for comfort. I knew that. I have always known without a single solitary doubt that I am the one who holds us together. I am his glue, his protecter, his knight in shining armor.
And so, there is only one thing to do that makes any sense at all to me. I have to man up to the situation. Put my needs behind me, stand firm and hold him up, until he can stand tall again.
Rest in peace dude, I'll miss you.
As I laid in bed with TH, he began to fall apart, and started to cry. Since 2:30 pm Wednesday, he really hasn't stopped crying. He doesn't want to lose me, he can't live without me, his life has turned to black. No matter what I kept telling him, how I kept reassuring him, that I didn't want to leave him, that I still loved him greatly, that I would stay with him the rest of his life. And then went on to say, it was him that didn't want me in male form, and I totally and completely understood.
And so, there is only one thing to do that makes any sense at all to me. I have to man up to the situation. Put my needs behind me, stand firm and hold him up, until he can stand tall again.
Leaving me feeling as though I have killed, me. How do I feel about this? Numb. In shock. Grieving for the man I almost got to be. No beard, no hairy male chest, no penis................. He will have to live in my dreams, as he has my entire life.
Monday, June 21, 2010
tick........tick......tick...tick..tick.tick
I'm beginning to wonder if my time in this female body is ticking down. I've been experiencing "The Dream" in which I'm male, more often than before. They are also more vivid, to the point of leaving me ever further adrift from my physical self. This is my most recent one.
In my dream, I'm sleeping and an itch bothers me to the point of waking me up. I run my hand under the tee shirt, and start to scratch my chest which is where the itch is so very intense. What my hand encounters is a male chest, covered in hair, and quite muscular. The feel of the chest hair, the firmness of the pectoral muscles, must have intruded into my dream to the point it woke me up.
I opened my eyes on the very room I was dreaming in, with my lightly snoring TH beside me. Confused, shocked, panicked and elated, I ran my hand underneath my tee shirt, the same one in my dream as well, only to find my usual female self. But all day, the feeling of that chest hair lingered on my fingertips. The different contours of male and female chests also kept pinging away at the back of my mind. The only way I could fall asleep was with my hand inside of my tee shirt, against the skin of my chest.
January 4th marked my awaking day. I awoke to my true self. No more hiding, no more running, coming face to face with who I honestly am. At first my feeling was on of pure joy! I felt free, easy within my physical self that had only occurred a very few times in my life. That joy quickly began to leak, and drain away, as it became clearer and clearer to me, that one never receives any gift that doesn't come with a price. My price for understanding who and what I truly am? The slow melting away of my marriage.
Trying to figure out how to cram two genders into one body, happily is something that I'm currently working on, and so far miserably failing at. Yes, it's early roads yet, and don't really expect to be able to pull off this transformation overnight. I do believe that the eldest son and the second son are worried about me. To the point where son #2, is texting more of late than he had in over 6 months previously. He's inviting me out to lunch, and taking me along on his hunt for a new car. Tonight son # 2 and wife caught me crying, I told a lie about the tears being due to a massive headache, left over from the shellfish reaction. Did they buy it? I'm not sure. Son #1 and wife are bringing the baby over more often for me to hold and play with her.
TH has pulled so very far away from me, that when I take his hand when we are out together, he hesitates for a brief moment before he wraps his hand around mine. And now if I want to hold hands I have to initiate it. The same with hugs. Kisses? Wow, it's been so long since we last kissed, I'm not sure clearly when that was.......
Do I find a way to stuff away my inner self, kill "him" as it were, and try to find my old footing? Go it alone into a scary world of transitioning, and possibly losing my children in the process? Because for sure TH will be out of my life, he refuses to live with me if my female body is shed. Now that I'm awake, can I go back to sleep again? Now that "he" has stretched and been allowed out of his cocoon, is there any going back? Could there be a way of convincing TH to stay, if I start hormones and have top surgery? If my genitals don't change, could he learn to love me with a hairy male chest, and a face that has to be shaved? These questions keep swirling around inside my head on a non-stop loop, that is invading my sleep, and keeping me poised on the edge of depression. I quiet the questions, the fears, the desires for only days at a time, before they come rushing back to overwhelm me again.
What is it that we really fall in love with anyway, their soul, heart and mind, or only their fleshy outer coat? If love is only skin deep, is it love, or something much shallower? Thinking over it, what would happen if the roles were reversed? That TH came home wanting to transition into a female, could I adapt to that? Honestly I have no hard and pure answers to that question. I would hope that I would try to adapt, but unless I'm put in this position, knowing the truth of my response is impossible.
So, I wait, and hope. For what? I'm not even sure what I'm hoping for any longer, but at least my hope is still flickering inside. And surely that's a good thing, yeah?
In my dream, I'm sleeping and an itch bothers me to the point of waking me up. I run my hand under the tee shirt, and start to scratch my chest which is where the itch is so very intense. What my hand encounters is a male chest, covered in hair, and quite muscular. The feel of the chest hair, the firmness of the pectoral muscles, must have intruded into my dream to the point it woke me up.
I opened my eyes on the very room I was dreaming in, with my lightly snoring TH beside me. Confused, shocked, panicked and elated, I ran my hand underneath my tee shirt, the same one in my dream as well, only to find my usual female self. But all day, the feeling of that chest hair lingered on my fingertips. The different contours of male and female chests also kept pinging away at the back of my mind. The only way I could fall asleep was with my hand inside of my tee shirt, against the skin of my chest.
January 4th marked my awaking day. I awoke to my true self. No more hiding, no more running, coming face to face with who I honestly am. At first my feeling was on of pure joy! I felt free, easy within my physical self that had only occurred a very few times in my life. That joy quickly began to leak, and drain away, as it became clearer and clearer to me, that one never receives any gift that doesn't come with a price. My price for understanding who and what I truly am? The slow melting away of my marriage.
Trying to figure out how to cram two genders into one body, happily is something that I'm currently working on, and so far miserably failing at. Yes, it's early roads yet, and don't really expect to be able to pull off this transformation overnight. I do believe that the eldest son and the second son are worried about me. To the point where son #2, is texting more of late than he had in over 6 months previously. He's inviting me out to lunch, and taking me along on his hunt for a new car. Tonight son # 2 and wife caught me crying, I told a lie about the tears being due to a massive headache, left over from the shellfish reaction. Did they buy it? I'm not sure. Son #1 and wife are bringing the baby over more often for me to hold and play with her.
TH has pulled so very far away from me, that when I take his hand when we are out together, he hesitates for a brief moment before he wraps his hand around mine. And now if I want to hold hands I have to initiate it. The same with hugs. Kisses? Wow, it's been so long since we last kissed, I'm not sure clearly when that was.......
Do I find a way to stuff away my inner self, kill "him" as it were, and try to find my old footing? Go it alone into a scary world of transitioning, and possibly losing my children in the process? Because for sure TH will be out of my life, he refuses to live with me if my female body is shed. Now that I'm awake, can I go back to sleep again? Now that "he" has stretched and been allowed out of his cocoon, is there any going back? Could there be a way of convincing TH to stay, if I start hormones and have top surgery? If my genitals don't change, could he learn to love me with a hairy male chest, and a face that has to be shaved? These questions keep swirling around inside my head on a non-stop loop, that is invading my sleep, and keeping me poised on the edge of depression. I quiet the questions, the fears, the desires for only days at a time, before they come rushing back to overwhelm me again.
What is it that we really fall in love with anyway, their soul, heart and mind, or only their fleshy outer coat? If love is only skin deep, is it love, or something much shallower? Thinking over it, what would happen if the roles were reversed? That TH came home wanting to transition into a female, could I adapt to that? Honestly I have no hard and pure answers to that question. I would hope that I would try to adapt, but unless I'm put in this position, knowing the truth of my response is impossible.
So, I wait, and hope. For what? I'm not even sure what I'm hoping for any longer, but at least my hope is still flickering inside. And surely that's a good thing, yeah?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
bleech!
Tuesday I made scallops and clams, and had a hellz of a huge allergic reaction to them, including for the first time in my life, a case of hives.....yeah so not pleasant. I thought if only i could scratch my skin off things would be ever so much betters. The only thing i did enjoy about the whole over blown reaction was this wonderful floaty feeling of drunkness, now that was nice! However the stuff they gave me, Benadryl makes me feel like something the cat drug in and the dog took back out and buried.....sigh. Still on the mend i guess. Hope this cruddy feeling passes soon, cause I'm way trashed and flat from all of the benadryls.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
just so very awesome
I want to thank all of your for your very awesome support. How I would have managed without your words of wisdom, hugs and long chats, I shudder to think about how much worse it would have been.
And no, things are no better, as a matter of fact in several areas they are much much worse........
So, yeah nothing new here, just a thanks.
And no, things are no better, as a matter of fact in several areas they are much much worse........
So, yeah nothing new here, just a thanks.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
5 on the fifth
I've been trying to write a post for a few days now, and i just sit and look at the little blinking curser. Still depressed, but doing better. Had my first session with a therapist on Wednesday, so we shall see if this helps. I sure hope so, cause the boys are noticing, and my depression is so bad it's showing up in photos.....
So, am going to post this instead....
So, am going to post this instead....
This month is about journeys.....
The just finished journey from winter into spring. This was 3 days ago.
Have shoes will travel.
A mind journey.
A journey of self discovery.
A journey into life, my grand daughter!
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