Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Hello! My name is Jim

Last week I ran into one of those "friends" who are always saying, "Oh!  We should get together for lunch soon!"  So, I pushed the issue, and suggested meeting for lunch next week.  Shocked me to pieces when she "Great!"

Ever since then, the idea to come out to Ginny has been perking around in my brain.  And after a few days thought, decided that I would.  If she didn't accept me or believe me, it's really no big deal.  We only see each other occasionally.

I drove to her office, and she drove to lunch, the food sucked by the way.  I'm not a huge fan of this particular Thai restaurant.  But anyway.  We had been chatting about one thing and another on the ride over, and I'd decided that I would tell her at lunch.

After the flurry of water, menus, talking about what to order, separate plates or shared, we went separate plates.  The orders were taken, and then we were alone at the table again.

I took a big breath, held out my hand for her to shake.  She took it with a rather quizzical look on her face.  And I said, "Hello!  My name is Jim*, I'm a guy who lives inside a girl."

She had a load of questions, understandable.  But the good thing was she was totally cool with it, and seemed to totally believe me, which is always a worry for trans people.  Ginny and TH and I have been friends for quite a long while now, and of course some of her questions centered on how TH felt about my being a guy, and a gay one at that.

The funny thing was that I was totally calm about it all.  I wasn't worried nor nervous.  Still not completely sure why, only that as time as gone by, I've grown more and more comfortable with being trans.  I still have periods of sadness and grief about never being seen as who I am; I really don't foresee that going away either.  When I told her about loosing me or loosing TH, she got a sad look on her face,  I knew then that she GOT it.

Jim isn't my real name, yeah?

Monday, May 23, 2011

Music, music and heart strings

As a one of those rabid Apple fans, I have itunes installed and haven't bought an actual cd for years.  Now my only complaint with itunes is that their jrock music is really thin on the ground.  They also don't have a large catalog of anime music either. Y'all know I'm a huge fan of jrock (japanese rock), so when I saw that itunes was selling the newest Miyavi cd it was a very very good day indeed!  I quickly hit the buy button, and for the most part love love love the album.  There are a few of extremely slow songs that I haven't managed to make it all the way through yet.  What surprised me is how many of his songs have English words in them.  And my favorite song is only in English.  I know he loves touring in the States, so he might be trying to get a larger fan base here.  I'm hoping the next time he comes here that I can see him.
So, here is my favorite song.  I picked the video so you can make out what he's saying.  But I don't know why the poster didn't pick a more recent pic of him....shrugs shoulders.

If you are looking for something different to listen to, are past tired of the same cycle of songs that the radio plays in tight rotation, pop on over and visit my good blogger friend Lightning Baltimore. He plays stuff that never ever came close to Billboard must less the top 40. Come with an open mind, and to make things easier for you, check out his tags at the bottom of each post. He is the KING of tagging. But hey! be brave and listen to stuff outside of your comfort zone. He does love comments, even the snarky ones.  Because half of my comments are way snarky.


 This Sunday, TH and I went to a graduation of a very dear girl.  We are her honorary Uncle and Auntie.  She's gone fishing with us, loves riding on the ATV with TH, went to the movies, watched loads of cartoons, shared books, baked loads of cookies, and just generally have a wonderful time when ever we are together.  When it was her turn for the Rose Ceremony, she surprised us by giving TH and I a rose.  We were so moved that she would honor us with a rose.  However smarty pants TH, figured that we would be getting a rose from her, but it took me totally by surprise. 

If you are unfamiliar with the rose ceremony, its a way for the seniors to show their appreciation to the people that have helped shape their lives.  That helped them in some way ease their way through school.  That they love.  And TH and I kinda fill all of those blanks for her. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Let's all play nice

Sunday afternoon, Th (the husband) and I were sitting around chatting with Youngest Son, when the doorbell chimed.  TH jumped up to answer the door, it was Eldest Son, DiL (daughter in law) and the grand baby.  To say that we were stunned or shocked, would be to mild.  How about flabbergasted?

They came in, sat down and pretended that all was rainbows and sunshine.  The last time we had seen DiL was Christmas day, what a horror show that day was.  Eldest"invited" us over when DiL was gone, for a grand total of 3 times.

Have I mentioned that after months of stiff silence from Eldest, I finally found out what my crime was?  Why they turned on me so viciously?  Supposedly I was having an affair with Newleaf.  Yeah.... like that would happen.  Straight people just don't seem to get that opposite sexed people can be friends and nothing more.  What I think happened, is that DiL got suspicious, and planted the seed of doubt into my son's head.  Who proceeded to call at least 2 of his brothers, spreading the lies further into the family. 

TH dug the truth out of Youngest Son, and proceeded to set the record straight.  Youngest had questions, and TH answered all of them, as truthfully as possible.  And since then Youngest and I have been on good terms.  And I'm sure that Youngest had a hand in Eldest and family coming over Sunday.  What I think happened is that because TH told Youngest and his GF, it was ever so more believable than it would have been if it had been me that had told them.  I'm sure Youngest told Eldest the truth.

Since Sunday afternoon, I've been very unsettled, and depressed.  Yesterday it took all of my will power not to get fall down stinking drunk.  I stood in the kitchen forever with the opener in one hand and a beer in the other.

I'm floored that we are all supposed to play pretty now and bury all of the hurtful words and actions.  Like throwing away our Christmas gifts to the baby.

I'm hurt beyond belief that I'll never hear the words "I'm sorry Mom".  I need to hear those words, petty as it may seem.  I need to know that they understand how deeply they hurt me.  And the damage they inflicted on our family.

There is a part of me that doesn't want Eldest back in my life. Why? Because my time as a closeted person is drawing to a end.  I promised TH that I wouldn't physically change anything until after Third Son's wedding, nor would I come out to them.  The wedding is in July.  The girl suit stays, at least for now, but the closet is going.  I don't imagine that Eldest will deal well with me being a guy, getting him back fully into my life only to lose him again later will just be to damned hard.  I think Youngest will be ok, and will understand.  Third son will have to be told by TH.  Second son?  While living in Japan, he knew several transsexuals, M2F's and was cool with them, so I'm hoping it will be cool cool with him.  And for most of my life he has called me "dude", weird yeah?


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Berries and Needles

My mind runs seriously at 100 mph all day long.  While tis very hard for me to get bored, its soo not a good thing for me to be bored.  I get reckless or fall into depression.  So busy is always the word of the day.  Now your definition of the word busy and mine are most likely miles apart.  As long as my brain has enough input flowing in to keep it happy, to me that is being busy.  My body can be busy, but if my brain finds the activity boring, good things never happen.

As ya all know I'm not a huge tv watcher.  However there are shows I adore.  River Monsters, and yeah I have a wee "thing" for Jeremy Wade.  Not sure what's that all about, but something about him lights me up.  Besides the whole "damn I could tap that" with Jeremy going on, the show interests me.  I love to fish, and would happily travel the world until the day I crumble into dust.  Bizarre Foods is also a fav of mine.  And except for the bugs, I would like to think I would try most of what he eats.  Most other shows I sit and watch with TH (the husband) kinda bore me, but he wants me to sit and be with him.  We really dont get to spend a great deal of time together. 

To keep me from driving TH nuts while he watches tv "with" me, I knit.  Now most shows I can knit and watch and totally keep up with both.  The knitting bleeds off the boredom and keeps TH from throttling me.  Since I'm no longer knitting for the grandbaby, I needed to find something else to knit.  While I'm happiest dressing in black, I do enjoy brightly colored socks.  I found a cool pattern that knits the socks from the toe to the cuff!  Oh, I had to give those a try.  I had a bit of an issue with the use of two pairs of circular needles at first, but then changed those stupid things out for my trusty double pointed needles and life was good again.

This first picture is the start of the heel.  If ya count closely?  I have 5, yeah count 'em 5 needles in this one wee sock!  However, one of the needles is lazy and is only holding stitches until I need 'em later.  The lazy needle is the metal cord you can see peeking out on the top right of the pic.

The finished socks.  Not perfect by any means, but for a first pair, I'm happy.
 I used to love jam, but since the world has gone to adding other sugars than just plain granulated sugar to jam, it's all to sweet and sticky for me.  While ya can buy the made with sugar jam, the price is thru the roof.  The idea of paying $8.00 or more for a wee jar of jam is just out and out painful to me.  The last time I buzzed the grocery, I picked up the supplies to make the stuff myself.  I used to can a great deal.  I used to go and help my Grandma "put up" as she termed it, jams, ketchup, tomato sauce and applesauce.  We also blanched and froze a ton of veggies each summer.  After marrying TH, I started my own garden and began to "put up" stuff for the long cold winters. 

Just a bit more than an hour and my strawberry jam was finished and sitting on my cutting board.

If your wondering how much each jar cost?  I figured around $4.50 a jar.  These jars hold 16 oz.  While there is cheaper jam out there, it tastes cheap and to me is unappetizing.  I'm thinking about making apple jelly next.  I love that on biscuits.  If I can find a good apple juice it's a go!