Monday, December 27, 2010

What ever doesn't kill you

This has been a week of extremes, ya know the sort that leave you stumbling for stable footing, and leaves you feeling rather unraveled.  I didn't know it was possible to feel the emotions of happy, depressed, surprised, heart broken, and faintly optimistic more or less with in the small space of a week.

While on the computer early in the week googling around the web, I happened across a transgender conference that was being held in Boston in the later part of January, and started to read. Usually, most of these are geared more towards the m2f's, and little if any of the workshops are aimed at f2m's.  But oh buddy, not this one!  There is loads of interesting things for the f2ms!  What I really liked about this conference is that they have two full days of "partners in progress" for partners of trans folk, no matter which way your partner is going.  I thought, "excellent!  TH (the husband) could attend with me, and get to at least listen to others who are more or less in the same boat as he is.  Faintly optimistic

I thought about it overnight, and then showed him the website, opened to the part of the brochure that dealt with him, and he read it, got very quiet and then answered, "no, I cant do that.  I cant go to that."  And then in the next breath, he urged me to attend.  We talked about it a bit, and then he left for work.  Two days later, still trying to decide if i should go, I mean for cripes sake its in Boston!  he asked me if I had purchased my ticket yet!!!  After being asked again the next day if I had my ticket yet, I decided that he really was serious about me going, and that he isn't ready yet to attend.  Tonight i bought my ticket, and paid the conference attendance fees.  Tomorrow, the hotel will be reserved.  So, off I go to Boston!  Happy

Last night after we watched the movie "Despicable Me" part of my christmas gifts Th had given me, I went upstairs to read, and TH stayed downstairs watching tv. He had to stay up until 7am before he could go to bed, he works nights.  I was tired out and was hoping to be able to sleep after a very long week of not sleeping well, I'll get to the reason for that later on.  But, alas sleep was elusive, and being thirsty I went down to get a drink. Turns out, that TH had watched a Nat Geo show called Taboo, and this episode was about transgender people.  Now, even though we have been working on this almost a year, I never really knew how much of what I was going thru that he understood.  But, there was a m2f on there, and seeing her talk about it, seeing what she went thru to match her inner gender to her outward sex, and hearing her talk about how free she felt now, and finally at peace with herself, he at long last, finally got it.  He understands so much better than he ever has!   FTW!

If you read my last post, you know that things aren't happy families with eldest son and his wife.  We didn't know if they were even going to come for christmas dinner or not.  The way our holidays work, is that I make the meat, the yeast rolls, and maybe one more thing, and everyone pitches in to fill in the menu.  Being so upset, I forgot to ask for this is the first christmas dinner ever within my memory that we didn't have some sort of sweet to end our meal with.  Auntie came, and she was very sweet to me, and was trying to boost my spirits.  I've had a solid rock in my stomach this past week, with the worry about what was going to happen on Christmas.  Would they even come?  Would they come and a huge assed stink happen?  Or even worse would people be forced to chose sides?!  All of these things have happened before with Dil (daughter in law) at different gatherings, but mostly at Thanksgiving and Christmas....sigh.  depressed

Seven o'clock came and....son #4 and his gf and wee doggie.  Things seemed ok with them, they seemed happy to be here.  A bit after 7, and son #3 and his wife to be, and their new puppy came in.  They were fine as well, whew!  Now wife to be and Dil don't get on,  Dil treats her terribly!  Wont speak to her, ignores her, or says very not nice things to her.  Wife to be's crime? Who knows, its all part of Dil's craziness.  And time passed, and then the doorbell rang....heart in my throat I ran to the door.  I felt if the doorbell was being rang, it wasn't good news, because we never lock our door on holidays, and the boys all know to just come in.  Whew!  It was because Son #2 had his hands to full to open the door!  His wife comes in......followed by eldest son, baby and Dil. faintly optimistic

I tried to smooth things over, I gave Dil a welcoming hug, no dice, she didn't return it, wouldn't look at me, sigh.  We ate, but she didn't even sit down.  She actually left to go and fetch a soda at the local convenience store.  Ok...yeah...  While she was gone eldest son started to interact with us, but as soon as she came back, he shut right down again.  Ok, I asked wife to be to be our christmas elf and hand out gifts.  TH and I didn't get a single acknowledgement for our gift for either her or the grand.  Now, I luckily didn't see it, but Auntie and TH both saw her rip the paper off her gift and throw it at eldest son.  What did we get her?  A gift certificate to her favorite clothing store.....I wonder if she just threw it away when she got home.  depressed

TH's and I worry now that Dil has broken our family.  Son 4 and gf both told me this will blow over, but after seeing her actions we're not giving their views much credence.  We are hoping that this will be patched up, but at this point, we are not holding out much hope.  Son 3 is getting married this summer, and there will be a round of showers and parties and of course the wedding itself, and these gatherings will be ripe to cause more friction and dissension within our family.  Last year, Dil had a baby shower and didn't invite wife to be, and gf, and gf has been with our family now around 6 years.....  They couldn't attend she said, cause they aren't married and don't understand anything about babies.  However Auntie was invited and she is unmarried and childless, its just more of Dil's way of throwing bombs into our garden hoping to blow it to smithereens.  pessimistic 

Tuesday, December 21, 2010


So, I was in Arizona for two weeks accompanying eldest son, Dil (daughter in law) and the grand.  We were there for medical treatment for Dil, as our doctors in Alaska for anything out of the slightest realm of normal are nearly worthless.  Now, I've had a rocky relationship with her to be sure, and a great amount of that rockiness is caused by her crazy as fuck family.

I've never come across a family dynamic like Dil has.  She only has sisters, and they fight all the time, and gang up on each other.  Yeah.  And to add a moist turkey to boiling oil, her mother choses sides, pits one daughter against the others, and keeps the battles going as long as possible.  Lovely, huh?

Well, things went bad rather quickly between Dil and myself, and my son was caught in the middle of the whole thing.  He could have made things better, had he tried, but he isn't good with confrontation any more than I am.

But into this maelstrom of unhappiness were two wonderful guys.

New Leaf and I have been email buddies for quite a long while, and when I knew that I was Arizona bound, I wrote and asked if he would like to meet for a drink.  In my world of easily getting lost, that meant that either Eldest son dropped me off or NL (new leaf) came to pick me up, which is what he did.  I suppose it would have been a bit smarter to have sent a pic so we knew what each other looked like, but hey! That would make life to easy and way boring, yeah?  So, there we were wandering around the parking lot of the condo.  Luckily there was only one other person, and he headed for a condo, so that was easy, but being me I had to ask.
Yeah, we are both that smooth.  Aren't you jealous now?

Have you ever met someone that you had an instant rapport with?  Thats what it was like with NL.  We met for the first time on Saturday, and sat and talked and talked.  We managed to meet up three times while i was there.  And he did really went out of his way to take me to the airport when I left early, due to my being unable to deal with Dil and her craziness any longer.

NL asked me what pronouns I'm happiest with, and that is what he used making me happier than you can believe.  The only funny thing was that even though he did acknowledge my maleness with the proper pronouns, he still kept holding the door of restaurants open for me.  His mom raised a very polite son.

If you ever want to scout around a deserted Walmart at 3am, NL is your guy!  Without a doubt he is fun to hang out with.  The hours would just evaporate in the blink of an eye when we were together talking about absolutely every thing under the sun.  He really is a very wonderful person, someone that I hope to call a friend for many years.

The weekend that fell in the middle of our trip I flew to spend 24 hours with Mr. Hci and his husband.  Now we had shared pictures of each other ages ago, so I knew what he looked like....but not his car!  But some texting and a really fun sign in the front window of his car cleared things right up!

It was super to sit and talk and talk and not be interrupted by silly stuff like internet issues, chat programs being silly, or a huge time zone difference.  It was nice to finally met his husband, who is just as sweet as  Mr. Hci is.

There was one really funny point soon after I arrived, I'm not sure if Mr. Hci forgot to mention to hubby that I'm transgender or if hubby forgot.  But when a male pronoun was used in reference to me, it received a "huh?"  Only to have it repeated to him again a bit more forcefully, and no, not by me but by Mr. Hci.

I ran around out in the yard helping work on the built in sprinkler system the next afternoon, and yeah I throughly enjoyed doing that!  I mean really, whats not to like?  With good friends, outside, beautiful afternoon, and running from sprinkler head to sprinkler head, hollering questions and orders to each other.  Life is good.

Finally meeting two bloggers that I've been either chatting or emailing for over a year now was perfectly wonderful.  Being with two people who knew the real me, that I could just be me with was like a drink to a man dying of thirst.  There isn't anyone in my "real life" that I can be that open with about being transgender.  I'm out to a few people, but one lives in Utah, and the other one lives in Kenai, so its not like I see them that often, and they are rather new at this whole GLBT world.

Life is good on blogger, and I hope this year to visit with a few more blogger friends.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The FAIR Education Act

I received this email from Equality California a few days ago, that I quickly read, and didn't really think to much about it.  But then a few hours later, I found myself reopening my mail and re-reading it again.  This occurred several times over the course of the next few days.  Finally it dawned on me that what kept bringing me back to this mail was that what a good idea this is, and yet a sense of sadness that we have to resort to the making of laws to be treated equally.  But if we have to legislate ourselves into being equal, so be it.

LGBT youth deserve to thrive in school and in life.
But to thrive, they need to feel safe and confident. They need to see and be inspired by LGBT role models who are changing the world for the better. They need to feel like they belong. Too many of our youth are struggling with harassment, feelings of worthlessness and even suicidal thoughts. We have to make our schools safer and more positive environments for LGBT youth.
It’s time for us to come out of the education closet. Ask your legislators to support the FAIR Education Act, SB 48, authored by Senator Mark Leno.
Existing laws require classes in the social sciences -- including history, sociology, anthropology and similar subjects -- to teach students about the contributions of men and women, racial and ethnic minorities and other groups. The FAIR Education Act, sponsored by Equality California and the GSA Network, would require these same classes to teach students about the contributions of LGBT people.
This important Act would also prevent the use of teaching materials that have negative images of people for being LGBT. Current laws already protect other groups in this way.
This bill can give LGBT youth hope, both for their future and for their lives today. All students will learn about how LGBT people have helped shape history, helping them to better understand their LGBT classmates.
Share your own story with your legislators about how this law would have helped create a safer, more welcoming environment when you were in school. They need to hear about the difference it will make.
Equality California will also be sponsoring a major anti-bullying bill -- authored by Assemblymember Tom Ammiano -- that is designed to significantly strengthen and expand California’s existing anti-bullying laws.
Together, we can and will create an environment across California where all youth -- including LGBT youth -- can achieve their best and know that they belong.
In solidarity,

Geoff KorsExecutive Director
Equality California
P.S. If you are already registered for Equality California's Action Center, simply reply to this email and your message will be sent automatically to your legislators.

At this point in time, I'm trying to think who in our Alaska government to contact to see about getting a similar law here.  This is one law that I would like to see copied all across our country.  I'm sick and tired of living in a country that is held hostage by the views of religion.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Butterflies and Beer

All day yesterday I worried and stewed, and was unable to concentrate.  I worked on my parka a bit, and after making three stupid mistakes which involved a turn with the seam ripper, I called it quits and left to go do something else.  I tried reading, and realized that words weren't sinking in any further than my eyes.  Sigh.  Oh!  Its Sunday!  I turned on football, and managed to sit and watch that and did a few rows on my pattern knitting.  Which was just complicated enough to hold my attention, but not to the point where I would screw it up.  But really wasn't enjoying the knitting, and laid that down as well.  In the end I did dishes and cleaned the kitchen, while watching the game, and then packed TH's (the husband) lunch.

Now, I have a tendency to get lost, and TH knows this, so Saturday night we went looking for Pete's house.  The road was easy to find, but the house was a whole different story.  The house number turned out not to be on the house but on the oddly placed mailbox, making it hard to see from the street.  I'm glad TH took me to find the place because as upset as I was, I'm not sure that in the stress of looking for the house, and being stressed about the meeting that I wouldn't have just turned around and headed home.

I get in the car confident on knowing how to get there, but anything but confident that it would all be ok once I was there.  As I drive, my nervousness expands to fill the car, in desperation I turn on some music and crank it up.  That did help to pull my mind off the hamster wheel it had been spinning on all day.  Sigh...thats a bit better.  The one thing that I didn't want to have happen was to show up with tear tracks on my face, and yeah I was in that level of melt down.  One little dust mote landing wrongly would have pushed me over the edge into tear town, something I really really didn't want to do.

Pulling up to the house, I see someone else pull up, and for some reason, I'm scared!  so I keep driving.... I go only a bit further down the road, and turn around.  I turn the car around, park, big breath in...... and get out and lock it.  I walk up to the door, and pause a moment, yet another big breath, and ring the bell.  The person who had walked in right ahead of me, opened the door, and welcomed me.

Her name is Cara, and she was very sweet, and introduced me to BEVERLY!  OMG!  She came, she came, she came, she came!  At that very exact moment, is when I finally began to relax and decide that this will be ok after all.  Pete is very sweet and kind guy, oh and really really tall, his silver hair contrasted with a youngish face, and a gorgeous silver goatee.  Cara is older also and a bit taller than me, with salt and pepper hair and a soft feeling to her personality.  Beverly is also tall and very thin, with the coolest piercings, ears, she has a conk piercing in both ears, in her tongue and around her ear lobes.  Kelly came in right after me, and she is young and very cute, and very friendly.  Nicole came in rather late and really wasn't very.....friendly,  she only talked to Pete, am reserving final decision about her until the next meeting.

Pete had made supper so we ate and chatted, and I calmed down even more.  There was some general talk about one thing and another, then the meeting bit of the program, which was interesting, then more chatty.  And almost shockingly soon, the meeting began to break up!  Oh!  Cara and Beverly walked up and asked me if I would like to go for a drink.  Yes, yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!  

I got to know Cara a bit better, turns out she's not a football fan, but Beverly is.  We chatted a bit about this and that, and then it was time for Cara to go home.  I'm not sure why her wife didn't or doesn't come to the meeting, but it was nice to get to know Cara.  After she left, Beverly started talking about being trans.

Overly wordy me has absolutely no words to describe how it felt to sit there, in real life, and talk to someone about being trans.  I no longer feel like such a total freak-a-zoid.  Beverly is M2F, and has been living as her true self for 5 years.  We exchanged phone numbers and email addys.  

This is the happiest I've been in.....................................well I can't remember when the last time I was this happy!  The tears are no longer on the surface, threatening to burst out of me.  My shoulders are relaxed, and the nonstop clench in my jaw is gone as well.  I feel totally at peace with myself.  The next meeting is in January, and you can bet I'll be there!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Faltering steps

My social life consists entirely of my family, our sons and their wives, to be wives, and girl friend.  The few friends I did have before moving, have all drifted away, leaving me without a single friend.  TH (the husband) says I'm looking in the wrong place for friends.  He told me to stop looking for women to be my friends, and to be friends with guys.  Ok, that makes sense, as I've always gotten along better with guys.  But if the men are married, their wives don't understand wanting to hang around a female bodied person with out sex occurring.  And two, where would I meet new guys, because if a "woman" is friendly and open with a guy, they assume, wrongly, that I'm looking for sex.

So, as you know, November 20th is International Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I was curious if our local PFLAG group was holding a memorial.  And I wrote this email to them.


I was wondering if there was going to be a local Transgender Day of Remembrance in Fairbanks?  I would like to attend if you are having one, as I'm transgender myself.


Receiving this mail in response:

Hi Biki,
At this time, PFLAG Fairbanks has not organized a day of remembrance event. Last year there were a few transgender members who met a few times, but the person heading that up has not been to a PFLAG meeting for a while. 


Then, drawing my courage around me, I wrote Pete again:
Hello Pete,
Do you think that any of the transgender members would be willing to meet again?  I'm newly out, and horribly shy, but could really do with a 'community'.  Maybe not an official sorta of meeting, but a meet someplace and chat sorta thing?  I feel rather alone, and would love to be with people who actually understand me.

And then this arrived in my inbox:
We can probably make that happen. Let me get in touch with Beverly and see what her schedule is.

Five days ago this landed in my inbox:
Hi Biki,
Beverly said she would be available to help with establishing a circle or support network. She works morning shifts, which cuts down on her availability. I'm hoping she can make the PFLAG meeting next Sunday at 4pm here at the house. We don't have much business going on, so it will be somewhat informal. 

It was at this point, I screwed my courage up, and told TH about going to attend a meeting with them this Sunday.  Dead silence.  Finally he asked me, "Do you expect me to attend THAT?"  Letting me know what he thought about it.  Then yesterday he asked me, "What are you hoping to get out of this meeting?  What if they are like everyone else, and they tell you to transition too?"  Ok, so now the truth comes out as to why he's rather against it.  And yes it made sense to me why he would be afraid.  He doesn't want to lose me, and to him my transitioning would be losing me.  I explained to him that I want, no I need friends, and if any of the trans members become friends how wonderful it would be to have someone really and truly understand me.  After he thought about it for awhile, he agreed, that I would be happier if I had a circle of friends.

Now what you might not know about me, is I'm horribly shy, especially when I go someplace alone, that alone will be a huge step for me.  Then if you add the fact that this will be the first time that I'll be "out" to random people, it has just grown even bigger.  

I'm worried that they won't like me.  I'm worried that my shyness will make me look unfriendly.  Also, our city is rather small, and part of me is worried that word will get back to the kids...... I'm just plain worried, about well everything.  But I can't live like this any longer, so Sunday will find me knocking on the door.  Wish me luck!

Saturday, November 13, 2010


In my last post, I spoke about the suicide of Brandon Bitner.  After reading the story at Queerty, I did an internet search on the news, because they can kinda play fast and loose with the facts at times.  However, this time they were completely correct,  FTW!   Any way..... TH (the husband) happened to call right around the time I was crying at the waste of yet one more precious human life.  Needless to say, I was very upset, and didn't really carefully monitor my words.  After hanging up from him, I realized that about half way through the conversation a chill point had occurred.

Last night TH told me what had upset him on the phone.  It was the use of the word "us" in talking about bigots and GLBT haters.  Us?  How is that such a hard word for him to swallow?  He said it puts "space" between us.  Moves me further away from him.  He has also gotten into the habit of using feminine pronouns with me again, especially in front of others.  But to be fair to TH, a few bloggers of late have referred to me as "she".  So, is it just habit with him?  Or is it him wanting me to fit into my old space in our lives?  Back when our lives ran on greased rails, and we were so tight a ray of light couldn't fit between us.  Before TH and I starting drifting apart.  Some of that drift is due to my unending depression.  It's much better than it was this summer, but I'm still not back to anything that could be termed normal behavior for me.

So, I'm out and about doing errands and whatnot, or in some sorta social situation, where I'm expected to agree with someone when they refer to me in the feminine.  I do try to avoid it, but for some reason often they back me into the corner, until I have no choice but to agree with them.  Which feels like a knife to the gut.

This summer, I was filling out my fishing license to go silver salmon fishing.  And ya know how it is when you are filling out stuff that really doesn't take any brain power at all do accomplish, your brain idles down, and its just kinda on rote.  Name, address, height, weight, age, sex.  Now I went through the list, chatting with TH about nothing of import, and just barely caught myself at the last moment.  What did I almost do, without thinking about it?  I almost marked the box for male.  My pen came to a wavering halt, and for the longest (at least it seemed that way) time I was confused as to what box to check.  Finally I remembered and X'd the box for female.  

I thought i was doing ok, but TH told me last night, that I'm not doing very well.  I feel as though I'm stuck.  I think I might be ok with this girl body, if I could express my maleness with the proper  pronouns.  But to be honest, I'm not really sure about that either.  So, I'm just plain stuck, like a fly in tree sap.  There is no going forward, no going back.  Not sure how much of TH's vision is correct, as he can be a negative nelly most of the time.  I really honestly don't know what to do.  Is it that I'm denying who I am, to please others?  Is that why I don't transition?  Is this yet again a manifestation of my abusive childhood?  Where I was taught so very well, that I had no worth, no voice, and was unwanted by everyone?   Fuck, I wish I knew the answers to all of my questions. 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Sticks, stones, words and yet another teen suicide

Brandon Bitner dead at the age of 14.  Trying to find release from the constant bullying at school, committed suicide by throwing himself in front of a tractor trailer.  He walked 13 miles to end his pain.  I can't imagine his last walk, and the thoughts that were swirling through his head knowing what he was planning to do.

The school had an anti-bullying assembly that week, how nice of them.  The school ass-hats claimed after Brandon's death that the school didn't have any history of bullying issues.  Oh, really?  Gee-whiz school officials, that's not what your current students and your past students say.   Click here for the full story.

The asshats that "run" the school, kids that attend, quality or lack thereof of parenting, I'm sure with little effort, a giant list of reasons why kids bully could be compiled.  But, in the face of it, reasons why kids are bullied isn't really germane to the conversation.  What is germane is why we are so blase about bullying, we say kid's will be kids, etc.  Well until a child commits suicide or is bullied to death, then suddenly we CARE.

Our eldest son, for reasons we never did quite figure out, was bullied, would you like to know who first started in on him?  I'll give you one guess........his teacher.  Yes, he was a scapegoat no matter what he did, and the kids all picked it up, and of course ran like deer with it.  And because the teacher had started it, of course she didn't attempt to stop the students from picking on our son.  It got to the point where he was afraid to ask to use the restroom.  Why?  The teacher would make fun of him, in front of the class for needing to use the restroom.   Yes, we did go to the principle and complained about the teacher.  We went to the school board to complain about the principle.  And the only thing that came of our complaining was that the teacher ramped up the bullying, with the students following tightly in lock step.  At one point we were told it was good for him, would toughen him up.....

I was chatting with Malcolm today about how little children are valued in our society.  Something that hasn't changed since, well forever.  Why children aren't seen as the treasure they are, has pestered me for years.  One reason I think boils down as to how we view children as a whole.  We see them as "owned" by their parents, rather than people in their own right.  They have no rights, at all.  In fact most of our civil rights come to a halt at the school doors for children, lovely huh?  If GLBT are second class citizens, what does that make our children, classless?

The only way I can see to end this morass of administrations turning a blind eye to bullying, is to hit them where it counts.  No, not there, but hey as a parting gift, I'm game!  In the wallet.  If a student loses the will to live, due to bullying, and takes their own life, I say fire the entire administration of the school. All of them.  From the secretary, through the councilors, and only stopping after the principles are gone as well.  As for the teachers?  If they saw it, started it, let it go, then we no longer need them in the halls and rooms of our schools.  As a nation we need to make this a priority when we are electing school board members and hiring school employees.  Often we blow off the local elections and only really pay attention to the state and federal elections.  This is the reason we have people on the school boards for 20 years.  Yes, I'm sure that there are a few long term members out there who do a great job.  But, how many are on these boards to grind an ax, push through an agenda, and care really very little about the students as people and not as mere numbers, or see them as wee little $ signs?

We need to get mad, we need to stay mad, and we need to slap down groups like Focus on the Family.  Who are currently fighting, yes I said fighting against the "Safe Schools Act"  watch  and read.  It's time to take our schools away from the incompetent, the lazy and the bigoted.

Sunday, October 31, 2010


How many times are we asked to describe ourselves, on job applications, college forms, etc?  And why is it always so hard to do? Why do we struggle so to put words to something as highly personal as our very own self?  Ok, how about we try it now, yeah?

Ready?!  Alright, let's go!

Use only one word to describe you.

 Let me guess, you picked some version of male. Isn't that interesting that we are so tied to our sex?  Something that for the vast majority of us is easily distinguished by looking at us.   But why is it that we all feel that our sex is THE most important thing about us?  Why do we identify so strongly as either female or male?  I don't have a clue, do you?

Moving on, let's add one more word to our description. If you're an adult i would guess that your job is what you have chosen to add.  If your still in school then the range becomes wider but still describes what we are doing, rather than WHO we are. Is what we do, who we are?  Is being a student, a programmer, etc that tied to who we are inside, or are we describing ourselves for others and not us?

How far down the list if we keep at this is our age, weight, or other physical characteristics?  Still for the most part we are using external cues to describe ourselves.

What does this say about our society and it's views on summing us up for public consumption?  Is that why it's so vitally important for others when they discover our sexual orientation?  Could it be because supposedly we are out of where "normal" lies, and some of the interest in us is nothing more than the juvenile need to group everyone into "alike" groups, and when we are no longer in the "correct" group it throws off their world view?  Considering how adaptable and intelligent humans are, why is different such a fear ladened word?  Which makes me wonder if this fear of  the different, the unusual, hardwired in?  If that is true then at some distant point in our past fearing the different instead of being drawn to it must have served some kind of self preservation function. However, we can be taught to accept, embrace and perhaps even love the different among us, and that to me is the true definition of evolve.

So if we can't use external words, how do we describe ourselves if only to our selves?  I know that I all to often fall into using only the negative adjectives, rather than positives. Let's give using positive adjectives a go, shall we?  Words that paint us with a brush full of good will towards ourselves, rather than a boot full of gloom.

If you ask a child to describe themselves, they will usually only use positive words. They see only the good in themselves and others. When do we lose that ability, and why?  Is the loss of being able to paint ones self with positive imagines the beginning of when being different becomes bad?

When we can't see the good in our own person, how can we see the good in others?  To protect us from others we begin the hideous slide into picking on others hoping no one will look at us twice.  Unless of course you're already a victim of bullies, then it steadily becomes harder to describe yourself with any positive words at all.

Would we learn how to describe ourselves more clearly, using positive words rather than negative, if we at least attempt to see the good in others?  Accept the differences, embrace where we do meet up well and let the rest go?  If in looking for the good in others, would we find the good in ourselves?  Learn to love our quirks, accept ourselves as we are, and not as we want to be.  And in doing so, allow us to really love life, eager to greet each day so we can wring every drop from it. Propel our selves with purpose, listening to our true desires and interests, rather than just listening to the popular culture noise.

Ok, so let me take a crack at describing myself, using only positive words.  I'm loving, talkative (yes I do think that is a positive trait), funny, optimistic, curious and full of life.

Your turn!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Leaving the Grey Room

Malcolm  and Micky have opened up a new blog.  It's still in its infancy but I sense good things on this blog in the future.  They are co-writing a blog about abuse, well rather than me tell you, let them tell you.W

"We were both victims of childhood abuse in our differing ways and here we'll share something of what happened to us.

Your comments and contributions are very welcome - and if you're a Survivor of childhood abuse then please, share your story with us.

And if you can, then please help us to all help each other by adding to our Links List of resources for Survivors of Abuse.

t happened to us.

Your comments and contributions are very welcome - and if you're a Survivor of childhood abuse then please, share your story with us."

Interested?  Then head on over to "Leaving the Grey Room".  Follow them, link them in your blogroll, because the sad thing about being abused as a kid is that we all think we are the only ones.  Being abused is very embarrassing, and most of us will go to any lengths to keep others from finding out, because for some reason we always felt as though it was something wrong with us that made our adults treat us in that manner.  If only we were better, smarter, neater, better behaved, more something they would just stop hurting us.

Give Malcolm and Micky some blog love, yeah?

Friday, October 15, 2010

Some questions answered, yet many remain

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, so hugs and kissies for all of your help.  Am going to respond to your comments here to make sure you see them, cause as you know, I rarely if ever respond to comments.

@Old Midhurstian~~ I'm not really sure how they would come across my blog.  My name of course is a nom de plume that has nothing in common with my actual name.  The only person who knows that they talk to is TH (the husband).  Everyone else that knows doesn't live here and doesn't talk to our sons.  But I can see how that would be a valid worry.  I hate not being honest with them.  There is no way that they haven't noticed my change in my clothing choices.  And the use of the word "person" instead of a feminine pronoun most of the time.

@Bob~~I totally agree, honestly is the best policy.  However overtime I get up the nerve to tell one of them, something happens to stop me.  The timing doesn't work, or they are having some sort of trouble that is really stressing them out, so I chicken out again and again.  One thing that is holding me hostage is the fear of losing them, of them hating me, of being disgusted by me.

@jaygeemmm~~Yes, I know what TH told the kids when they asked him.  He told them I was dealing with some very personal issues and that I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

Yes, the harshest words we have ever had was when this was still a fresh subject, and he was telling me that he didn't want to have sex with a guy.  And that day I was just not feeling all that generous towards him and told him he HAD been having sex with a guy our entire married life!  As you can imagine that did so not go over well...sigh bad, very bad wifely moment.

For whatever reason, when I imagine telling them, it's always alone.  It just seems so much harder, more complicated, some how just all around increase of stress with TH along for the reveal.  So actually when I read your comment, it totally shocked me.  And even after allowing all of the comments sink in for a while, it still seems vaguely wrong to me for some reason.  It just might be my stubborn independence streak?

Being TG is very different from being gay.  For one, its very hard to explain, because honestly everyone understands sexual desire, but to try to explain gender to someone who is all nicely matchy matchy, tis very hard to find the words to describe how I feel.

@Dodger~~Since everyone is advocating me to tell our sons with us as a unit, I suppose that is the way to go.  Not only is it hard to explain, but I worry about how they will take their mom being a guy....

@Daniel~~I cant decide on what the best path would be on this.  I know my kids really well, but on this subject I am totally lost as to how they will handle knowing im TG.

@Lightning Baltimore~~I took your advice and bought a book to give them.  But....sigh not really sure how much help it will be, its a good book, but still....

@Micky~~I kinda think that a joint telling wouldn't be a wise way to go.  The boys are all different in their approach to life, and I'm sure that in a group setting feelings could get hurt.  And it kinda feels as though it wouldn't be a very personal way to tell them.  There will be differing reactions.  I feel that at least two of them should be ok with it.  There is one however that we are both worried about telling, as he is so completely centered on his dad that the only way that he will be ok with it is for TH to be calm and totally accepting of me.  There is one that we are on the fence about, but feel that he will be ok with it after a while.  One thing we are worried about is the reaction of the wives, to be wives and the long term gf.  For such open minded guys they kinda picked narrow minded very provincial females.

@Ethan~~ Thanks for your kind support!

TH told me today that he is worried about me.  He says that while I'm happier, that it's still very obvious that I'm not throughly happy.  When he told me that, I was rather shocked, because I thought I was doing better......  It does feel as if something has broken inside of me, and I know that I'm not the same person as before.  So, now I worry, if this is only the eye of the storm and transition is down the road......waiting for me to finally come to terms with the fact of needing to live for me, and me alone.  Or is this just the healing phase of this soul wound?  Sigh......I guess only time will tell, yeah?

Monday, October 4, 2010

Opinions and suggestions please

I finally seem to have myself back to what passes for normal.  Now that I know that this will be the carapace that will be my home for the rest of my life, and there is no possible way of becoming a man with a male body, I feel much less trapped and unhappy.  My joy is slowly returning, and my smiles now are in my eyes, so life is getting good again.  I still have sad times, and down moments, and clothes are still my major malfunction, but am working on that as well.

I want to come out to my sons.  They are all adults, and we are a very close family.  They saw my struggle this summer, and have spoken to TH (the husband) about it,  so they know something is up.  Because TH and I are such a tight couple the only thing they could think of that would cause both of us to be this upset is that we were having martial issues.  They thought we were working towards a divorce.

My therapist said no need to tell them since I'm not going to transition.  Several friends said to tell them, they feel that the boys need to understand what I have been struggling with for the past 8 months.  TH is against it because he is worried they wont love me any longer.  But I'm tired of hiding me, and I would like to be freer around my kids with my true self.  I want to be loved for who I am......all of me, not just the pretty bits and pieces that I deem worthy to show them.  TH and our boys are the most important people in the world to me.  I would do anything for them, and have made a huge sacrifice to keep our family intact, and worry that coming out to them would leave my family in ruins, and my sacrifice for naught.

What do you think?  Should I come out to them?  Do you think being transgender will cause them to turn away from me?  And if I do come out to them, will they realize my sexual orientation, or should I just be upfront with that as well?  Or will they be like the few people that I have told in real life, and after thinking about it, will realize the truth that was before their eyes but they didn't see it for the window dressing?

I want to take the next step, what do you think?

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I'll take "Androgyne" for $500 please.

Starting out on this odyssey of self discovery I began at the point of being an androgyne.  Life was good, the label/box fit me well.  Then as time went on, I realized just that there was more male inside me than female, and my label shifted yet again, and I thought of myself as transgender.  A transgender person who wanted the SRS.

I've been doing a huge amount of thinking these past few days and have pinpointed that very point as to where my extreme unhappiness began.  Yes, I did post about that, but then later thru talking with various people who thought I was selling myself out, I slid back to the trans label.

This is how I see it.  Yes, I am a guy on the inside, and no I don't fit well in the female world at all.  However, and this is a big however, I live as a female and there is no easy way to unhook my life as a female without causing many people harm.  Wait!  I am one of those people who it would cause grievous harm to.  Yes, I know that my tendencies is to be a door mat to my family, believe me I have given this a great deal of thought to make damned sure that it wasn't fear that was making me change my idea of who I am.

Am I a coward?  Is the fear of an unknown future what is holding me back from transitioning?  To be honest, I don't think so.  Yes, I did say think, not know.  But like I said, since that dark day when I decided to transition my life has been one long unending session of depression and gloom.  I just cant live that way any longer.  So, I'm rolling back the clock and going to try living with the androgyne label again and see if that is my key to happiness.

A few days ago on chat, I told a good friend just how depressed I am.  After listening to me a bit, he said he would pass on the advice that he was given a few years ago that helped him.  Pissed him off, but a few days later helped him.  His advice?  "Cut the shit Biki".  Thats what lead me to where I am now.

I've been told that moving forward will allow me to live, but being stuck, unable to make a decision will kill me, and how very right they were.  I woke up today feeling much more positive.  More so than I've felt in a long while.  I feel rather peaceful inside, which is a great feeling!

So, roll the dice and lets get on with the game of life, yeah?

Friday, September 10, 2010

Randomized Particles

Well since we last visited not a whole lot of anything of large import has occurred.  Just the usual current of life.  But little pieces of things have accumulated on the desktop of my mind, which is cluttered as usual, with odds and ends.

It's full on fall now.  The leaves are all turning gold, and starting to litter the ground.  It doesn't quite yet smell like moose season, but its getting close.  What does moose season smell like?  Hmmm, I guess the best way to explain it is the smell of fall in the woods.  Kinda spicy, kinda musky, with a tang of chill in the mix.  While I'm not a lover of the coldness of winter, the energy that comes with autumn is one of my favorites.  We had a little visitor looking for mushrooms in our back garden today, and he was kind enough to let me snap his picture.

An unrealized bonus of watching my wee little grand daughter is that I also get about 15 minutes alone time with my eldest son each morning, which is wonderful.  I'm happy that he's all grown up and flown our nest to build a new one with his wife and baby, but still I do miss getting just one on one time with him.  They both (son and dil {daughter in law}) come home for lunch at the same time, so I sit and visit with them and that is really nice too.  I think, well I hope that finally I'm building a closer relationship with my daughter in law, something that I have sorely wanted.

Wedding plans for son #3 and his wife to be are advancing, they have finally picked a date, July 23.  I would love to come out to the boys, but I'm thinking that maybe I should hold off until after the wedding or I might have to attend the wedding "a la Bette Midler" style in Stella.  Is there a true difference being tossed away by parents and siblings and being tossed away by your children?  

I tried my hand at making sushi with the salmon we caught.  TH (the husband) said it was good.  No, I don't eat it, for some reason it just wont digest in my stomach, and our youngest has the same issue, yes yes I know weird, but hey its me your talking about.  Anyways, the sushi came out ok, just my sizing was off, and my rice didn't quite stick together as tightly as necessary.  The problem I think was that let my rice cool to much before trying to form it.  But since it was a hit, will be trying again.  If it comes out better next time, maybe I'll snap a photo.

My holistic doctor who is helping me deal with my emotions, because our emotions color our health as you well know.  She doesn't let me see what she is testing me for until I have a reaction, and then she tells me, which emotion is pinging on me.  This week it was the emotion of feeling distorted.

As she got ready to help me clear this emotion from my system, she said "Imagine yourself in a fun house mirror."

me, "Why?  All I have to do is to think about what I see when I look in the mirror."

her, "Oh, that must be so hard to deal with!  Ok, think about that."

Does it really help?  I'm not sure to be honest.  What I do know is that it does bring me several things.  One, I do feel more peaceful after my treatments, which is a huge help.  And two, it brings to the forefront some of my emotions that I didn't really know I was experiencing.

I feel rather lost anymore, not sure of who I am.  When it was rather forcefully brought to my attention that I was a girl, it did cause a total change in my personality.  Before that I was rather serious, and prone to settling fights with my fists.  Afterward I was the bubbly "girl", I know you remember one of those.  But as I got into high school, I started dressing rather well....distorted.  An odd mix of boy and girl clothes.  And once on a dare by Porn Boy, dressed as full on girl, without any odd bits thrown in.  Several of my "friends" didn't recognize me, so that tells me they weren't seeing the true me, but the false front me, the cardboard cutout that I used as me.

I would really like to find me somewhere in all this mass of boxes and to be comfortable enough to display the real me to all who look in my shop window.  My bubbly "girl" has gone and I think for good.  She wasn't ever real anyway, so thats good, yeah?  But TH misses her, and wants her back, something that I don't think is possible, nor do I really miss her.......

Sunday, August 29, 2010

The long and winding road

Wednesday afternoon I woke up TH (the husband) early so we could get on the road and head on down to Soldotna and go fishing.  And yeah you didn't read that wrong, it was afternoon and early for him, he works nights.  I had everything packed and all he had to do was to load up the truck and off we went!  We were hoping to see Mt. McKinley, but the weather was cloudy and rainy, so sigh no view.

Due to the mountainous and our thin population, cell phone coverage in Alaska is rather uneven.  After passing Cantwell, though there is a really long stretch of the road where there isn't coverage.  I guess it was because he knew that no one could interrupt us, TH started to talk about me, him and us.  Shocking me to the core he told me that he wanted me to transition!!  Yeah, you did read that right.  He wants me to transition to make me happy.  But is still resistant about being with me as a guy, so I'm still back to the same place on the marriage board.  Girl suit = keep hubby.  Boy suit = lose hubby.  I told him point blank that the only reason I'm not transitioning was to keep us together, and that I was tired of the 24 hour poor him channel. Yes, I know this is tough on him, no doubts about that.  But, really here I am once again pushing my needs to the bottom of the barrel.  And I'm really tired of it, my entire life has been one of giving in to others needs and ignoring my own.  If I'm going to make this sacrifice for us, then he needs to understand the depth of what it really means to me to live this way.  I'm doing better living in the girl suit, and the grief period has mostly worn away.  I do have bad days, but for the most part, life is getting back to normal.

We spent the night in Anchorage, and did some shopping the next morning before heading out for the Kenai Peninsula.  We stopped by a nice water fall for a leg stretch.

I swear you can point your camera almost anywhere in this state and get something scenic in your lens.  Now I've seen this waterfall millions of times, and while it's pretty, I do crave the new ya know.  And this time, since we weren't in a rush to get to Soldotna, we stopped by Tern Lake.  OMG!  so, so so lovely, don't you agree?          

We called the guide to find out what time we need to be at his house to leave for the boat launch.  The tides determine when we leave.  When TH told me we had to get up at 4:45 a.m. I lost feeling in my limbs for short time from the shock of getting up that early!  But, trooper that I am, I got up and started to put on the millions of layers needed to be out on the river at 50F (10C).  This is what I wore....long johns top and bottom, jeans thermal tee shirt, snow pants (yeah yeah I know) my winter parka, wool hat, winter boots, and a set of rain gear,  and believe it or not I was still cold!  That river is freaking cold that early!  I had so much gear on it was hard to climb up into the his truck!

Boat loaded, and off we went zipping thru the dark to the "hole" where he fishes for silver salmon this time of the year and when the tide is at this point.  We drop anchor, and he drops the anchor, baits the hooks and casts them into the the inky darkness of the Kenai River.  TH gets the first nibble but it gets loose, so that means the next one is mine!  Ohhh!!!  Ok so now I'm all excited and waiting.  Then just when I stop paying attention, my rod tip in the holder jerks down hard, signaling that there is a silver on the hook.  After a few minutes of a fight, I pull a beautiful 10 pound female into the boat.

We are sitting there talking and having a good time with the guide, Tim.  TH and I have been fishing with him now for around 30 years, we have watched each other kids grow up, and there was only the three of us in the boat, so there was plenty of time to chat.  And then BAM!  TH gets a massive hit on his rod, and Tim and TH start working to get the silver into the boat, when something catches the corner of my vision and I have one on too!  I pulled the rod out of the holder and went to work landing my fish.  Tim was so excited to have a double he now had two people to boss around at once!  Which is tough even for him.  Both fish were caught, they were both 15 pound males.

While Tim was cleaning the fish at the boat launch I asked him to cut the milt out because I've been told it's good eating.  He cut it out and off we went to the fish processor to have our fish cut into chucks and frozen in vacuum packs.  Then I remembered that our hotel room didn't have any place to cook.  Hmm, so back to Tim's we went to ask if I could please borrow his kitchen.  He said sure!  Gave me a pan, some oil, lit the stove for me, as his pilot light is broken, and got about halfway out of the kitchen.  He stopped and said, what did you say you were going to cook again?  When I told him milt, he came back and turned the stove off, and told me no!  Sigh.... next year we are getting a room where I can cook!

On the way home we encountered a huge back up of traffic due to road remember this is Alaska, so it's not hugely large for y'all but for us?  It was big enough to make me snap a pic!

An awesome time was had, and I really can't wait to go back next year!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Junk drawer

Since I keep getting asked how I am doing, will start there, and then we'll just root around in the junk drawer.  As a whole, I'm doing alright.  I do admit however that something broke inside of me two weeks ago, and I'm just not the same person inside.  Part of what I'm feeling is anger at once again setting aside my wishes and desires for someone else.  The good thing that has come out of it, is that I'm no longer such a door mat to TH's (the husband) desires and wishes.  I'm not backing down any longer, he got the last big thing out of me that I'm willing to give to him.

Prop 8 and the straight Americans.  So, I had my hair cut today, it came out to short, so next time will have to be more clear about what I want, but any way....  We started talking about recent movies we had seen, and thought I would see how she felt about gay marriage.  I started talking about the documentary "8: The Mormon Proposition"  She listened for a while and then asked what prop 8 was.  What this says to me is that the current struggle for civil rights for LBGT people isn't reaching a great many of Americans.  Does anyone watch the news on ABC, CBS, or NBC so you could tell me if or how these stations are covering the fight for gay marriage, for the repeal of DADT, or the fight to pass ENDA?  I'm thinking that the alliances that are fighting for civil rights maybe should re-think their battle plans, because it seems as though the status quo isn't reaching the people we need to reach.

Summers swan song.  I've noticed in the last week, some of the trees are showing yellow leaves here and there.... we are almost out of summer and into fall.  Two Sunday's ago, it was 88, this last Sunday was all of 58.  My what a diff in only one week.  Oh well, maybe we will have one of those super long falls that we are sometimes blessed with.

Smoke on the water, and in the air, etc.  This summer has been a really low forest fire season.  Fire season started galloping quickly down the straight away as soon as the snow melted off, and at one point in June we had already surpassed some years total fire acreage, and then due to a really rainy July, most all of them are out, and no new ones started.  There is one fire though that just wont die!  Its fairly close to our town, and its in a military bombing range, and the military doesn't want fire fighters out there wandering around, possibly getting blown up.  So, the fire smolders, and smokes, and then in a dry spell will crackle and spread.  Today was a really smoky day,  I'm just hoping that the snow finally puts a death note on it.  Though they have been known to smolder under the snow all winter long.  If you're interested in looking at the smoke and the current fires, visit UAF Smoke.

Hooked!  Tomorrow we leave to head for the Kenai River to go silver salmon fishing.  I haven't been in many years, and am excited to go.  I love fishing for silvers for two reasons,  They are super tasty fish, I love them canned, grilled and broiled.  If you get the chance to eat grilled or broiled salmon, try the skin, if its crispy, it's super delicious!  It seems that most tourists are only interested in fishing for king salmon, which I don't think is as tasty, so the river is much less crowded.  This late in the tourist season too, so that does help ease the traffic on the river.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

learning to fly

While I don't belong to any formalized religion, I do have a belief system.  It is primarily based on the idea of being good to each other, the whole golden rule thing we are taught in kindergarten.  Which if you think about it, is actually a good way to live.  If we were all polite and kind to each other, most of our laws wouldn't be you can tell I'm an idealist.

Most religions seem to agree on the big issues, not killing other humans and holding their followers to be honest, kind and 'moral'.  Religions divert into interesting pathways of what they feel to be acceptable 'moral' behavior.  The view that we cycle again and again with our souls intact attempting to work our way up the ladder to reach nirvana.  And if you find yourself in the body of a female, then you obviously have a long way to go.

I think diversity in all things is, well a good thing, including religion.  Often we get so caught up in the tangled net of different = bad, that we begin to force our personal views upon others.  I don't care what religion you follow, what book you use to learn from that is the sacred words of your G-d, they all can be twisted into 'proving' a point, making a person, a group, or an idea against G-d's word.  Humans are tricky tricky beings who will say and do almost anything to get what they want. Counter that with the fact we tend to be sheep and love to follow behind someone who is willing to lead.

And it really doesn't take much to make others 'suspect' to us.  Something as simple as not having a tv, a cell phone, or desiring sex from any gender can open the door to at the very least verbal abuse.  I've known many people without a tv, or a desire to have one, had no interest in watching movies or listening to music, and once people find this tidbit of information about these fellow travelers, the whispering campaign against them begins.  They are weird!  Odd!  Not to be trusted!  Scratch most of our surfaces and you will find a 13 year old.  We are so worried about being pointed out as different, we begin to camouflage our true selves to blend in, and will often throw the first 'stone' to cause a diversion to keep others from noticing our differences.  No no, not me! I'm normal, it's this guy who you should worry about!

As religions became more organized and more powerful they began to exert pressure on the ruling bodies to align the laws of the area with the legal laws.  Why?  I think it all boils down into two parts.  One, the whole needing a large group of people to be just like us, even if it does require force to mold non-believers into the form of acceptable behavior.  Because if most of the people believe as you do, how on earth can you be wrong?  The few who refuse to live the guidelines must be wrong, or even more worrisome, evil.  These evil beings are liars, tricksters, seducers to a G-dless life.  And funnily enough often decades flow past where this type of person is seemingly not a threat to 'life as we know it'.  Until a tectonic shift occurs in culture and someone must be to blame for a changing world that makes no sense, and so our scapegoats are born.  We are all aware of many of our past and still to some extent, current scapegoats.  We structure our scapegoats from many different building blocks: religious peoples ( jewish, muslim, catholics, hindus, etc), color of skin, origin of country (China, Ireland, India, etc.) and some 'lucky' people belong to more that one group!  Oh, lucky lucky them!

Two, fear pure and simple.  Why fear?  Well, most religions seem to operate at least to some degree on fear.  Fear you won't get into heaven.  Fear that G-d would take offense with your culture if there was not enough adherence to religious law within your population, and do something nasty like flooding the earth, etc.  Fear that what others are doing is 'counter' than how you're living, or at the very least different, and different =bad/evil/worries.

From what I have read, most earth based religions seemingly understand that lgbt people have a place in the fabric that the gods have woven for us, and are accepted and in some cases revered.  It wasn't until the male god religions effectively sidelined many of the earth religions that things got tricky for many groups of people.  Among them of course were/are lgbt, women and children, and the elderly.  So basically if you're not young, male and straight, pffft you are worthless and merely chattel to be able to be treated with little or no regard.  Why?  I truly wished I knew how a society could effectually turn their backs on a major portion of society.

In the past 100 years or so, our country has been experiencing an upheaval in how it views many of citizens.  Black people had to work hard to be accepted as human beings, be allowed to vote, and allowed to marry someone of a different race.  Women struggled to be seen as equal to men, to be allowed to vote, and to be considered to be a 'head of household' for tax purposes.  And each and every time different groups of people struggled to be seen as equal worthy citizens, as needing and deserving rights and protections afforded to others, religious houses have rang with thunderous denouncements about the end of society as we know it.  How this will be the death of our country, the beginning of the end as it were. To be sure, there are always a few out of step religious houses fighting for these downtrodden people, but their voices are thin and fairly ineffectual against the louder din of the popular masses.  And after each group received their civil rights, a new scapegoat was born to fill that need to blame a faceless someone.

And here we are again, listening to religious houses thunder and using up air time, ink in newspapers, magazines and books to denounce yet another group of people who are fighting for equal civil rights and protections, using the same worn out and tired line of the end of the world as we know it.  From what I have personally seen, and reading around in history books, as the din from religious groups grows louder against any group, this is a signal that the tide is beginning to turn for the marginalized group.  As the arguments against allowing lbgt people civil rights become ever more absurd, you know they are scraping the bottom of the argument barrel.  The people who honestly believe the nonsense that is spewed out is getting smaller and smaller every day.  Sadly, one of the reasons for this change in attitudes is the passing of many of our elders, because elders are usually the staunch backbone of change is bad viewpoint.

Even if you're a member of a marginalized group, you're still not "safe" within your community.  Because within each community of peoples are ranks, these are considered "better" and others are surviving below the bottom rung.  And one thing about the people who are "better" in each marginalized community seems to be the ability to "pass" as a member of the majority group.

In the LGBT world, the men who are "straight acting" and "very masculine" and who can "pass" as straight seem to be on the top of the hierarchy, with "femme" men near the bottom of acceptability.  Femme guys can't "pass" as what our society thinks a man should be. Transgender people are below the femmes due to the lack of adherence to gender roles with their expressed sex, or so I believe.  Could it all this hatred of femmes and trans, boil down to something as simple as misogyny?

Several "facts" make me think this so.  One of which is that "butch" lesbians are usually looked at as more capable and dependable than women in general, and transmen assimilate more easily into our society than do the transwomen.  Why? Because it's much easier for a transmen to "pass" than for the average transwomen. Second think about these tasks that a woman traditionally did in the home, cooking, sewing, accounting.  What they all have in common is that once out of the home, women had trouble breaking into these as paying jobs.  Women only in the recent past have managed to make a name for themselves in fashion design.  Yes, yes, I know Coco Chanel is an exception, but there always seem to be those.  As recently as 10 years ago women were still fighting to gain acceptance into restaurant kitchens as equals.  And we all the know the jokes about women not being good with numbers……or with money.

Society has very rigid and tight gender roles, step out of the norm, and there be dragons.  Transgender and femmes are counter to these visual roles, and it makes some people uncomfortable.  If we make a template where men are considered to be the best of society, and women are not as important members, then men who exhibit the characteristics of women would of course be looked down on.  And people who blur the line between male and female would be seen as a threat to society.

Personally I have noticed that since I've started up "butch" up my appearance to downplay my femininity, that I am being treated differently.  I seem to be treated better in hardware stores, and auto part shops.  Men seem more likely to strike up a conversation, and women less.  So, have I joined even peripherally the society of maleness?  I just don't know.  But what I do know, is it's time for us to be more accepting of all gender presentations and roles, and for all of our people to be seen as important members of our society.  To evolve is to live, stagnation leads to death. As for me, I'm going to attempt to evolve, I'm going to learn how to fly.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Watch, cheer and cry

I've been spending a great amount of time reading  prop8trialtracker lately.  I'm eager for the latest tidbits of how the case in California  is going, and need updates several times a day.  Today this video was featured. I'm posting it here not knowing how many people do visit this worthy site, because this video should not be missed!

Her name is Patti Ellis, and this woman is a most excellent mother.  If only more parents were like this, our world would be perfect, or as close to it as us flawed humans can manage.

The video is from Anthony Ash click the link to read his entire article.

Friday, August 13, 2010

new shoes

ok, well you see i have a new blog color scheme.  following this change, i'm going to try to change my attitude.  i've succeeded in scaring my friends, and hubby....and that is something that i'm not happy about.  i've never been this depressed ever, and need to do something NOW. not next week, not later, but NOW. because if i don't do something to pull myself out of this tailspin soon.......i'll soon be unable to get out of bed, and i'm NOT going there!

looking at it logically, i only have two choices, stay in the girl suit, or metamorphose in male form.  sigh as much as i want to be male, i refuse to risk, and possibly lose the love of my family.  and no im not being a doormat here.  i grew up without love, being told every day that i was unwanted, and that i ruined her life and wished that i had never been born, and let me tell you, that was a horrid way to grow up.  TH's love was like rain on a desert, i soaked up every drop, and finally began to bloom into a much more confident person. abet one who is never sure that any one really wants me around, super thanks female parent!

what i am going to try to do, is to find a way to blend all of me into a whole and happy person.  i've done a lot of thinking today, along with so much crying that hours later my face still hurts hours later after the tears dried up.  if you think about it, no one is 100% male or female, we all have notes of both in the song of our personality.  Often we blend these notes without even realizing it, and thats my goal to blend until i'm happy again.  no need to toss any of me on the trash heap, all of me is worthy of keeping.  i just need to find a happy place for all of me.

starting from the top down, i'm happy with my hair, and glasses, so w00t!  ok, i'm not happy with the rest of my body, but maybe with some determination i can start using my treadmill and lifting weights again.  if i'm going to keep this 'suit' then it's going to be in shape again.  my thinking is that if i can 'masculine' up by getting in shape that will help a lot.  the really weird thing is that for whatever reason, i've always built up muscle easily and tend to have larger biceps than is usual for females to the point where i have trouble getting shirts cause my arms are so big.  so does this mean i have a larger amount of testosterone floating around inside than usual?  not sure.

and i'm going to stop wobbling about if i should get rid of my girl clothes.  yeah, they are out of the closet but only as far as my garage......  so tomorrow when i go to the grocery, i'll drop them off.  honestly i think i'm suffering from a lack of confidence, so i hope by following through with the jettisoning of the "old me" clothes, it will help me to move forward.  i need to have a battle plan and stick with it! no more whining.  no more being so wishy washy about who i am.

i am a guy.

                       i have a non-conforming body.

                                           i will find my joy again and refuse to let this beat me down any longer!

i need a theme song for this fight of mine, and here is my song to get me thru this.

and here is the lyrics to "Fighting Song" by Miyavi

What's up my friend, cheer up... but am I not particularly at a loss?
Well for now toss out the bad things & irritating things, toss out everything on unburnable trash day,

Yet mankind, if were all told by their mothers "you can do anything if you try~"
She loves the ugly you & clumsy you, stinky-feet you and everything anyway.

Just burn up the white flag... or like, you don't have to be prepared right from the beginning.

This is Fighting Song
Beat 'em
Finish 'em off
Try & try.
We don't have to put up our fists.
So we can follow on forward.

It's your Fighting Song
Beat 'em
Finish 'em off

Never give up and Go.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Cement shoes

I'm just about used up.  Nothing left.  Empty.

T.H. is being a total ass.  If he whines one more fucking time about how hard this is for him, I swear to god I'll walk away for good.  All I hear from him is, "Boo hoo!  You're going to leave me!  I'm so upset and depressed."

Like what the fuck does he think I am?  Giddy with delight?  Overflowing with happiness?  I've gotten to the point where I can't hardly leave the house for fear of breaking down in public.  And when I do have to go out, I'm frozen afraid that any emotion will cause me to crack open and tears to pour out of me.

All during all of this, I'm still playing the part of Happy Homemaker.  Making his lunches, cooking his suppers, laundry, dishes, bills, etc........  One day when it was just all to much and he had to go and pick up stuff for both his supper and lunch (he works nights so much carry a lunch) he acted all put upon.

    I wanted to do 5 on the fifth.  The theme was "on the road"  and my mind filled in "to destruction".  And planned pics of a handgun, beer, a syringe, a rope, and a bridge.........My thoughts are getting darker, as I sink ever deeper into depression.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Prop 8 ruled unconstitutional by Adam Bink

I just finished reading the meat of the decision. Chief Judge Vaughn Walker has ruled Prop 8 is unconstitutional on both Equal Protection and Due Process grounds. Huge win. The decision is likely to be appealed to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. Developing…

UPDATE (1:43 PST): Here’s the conclusion from the decision.

Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. Because California has no interest in discriminating against gay men and lesbians, and because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis,the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional.

Plaintiffs have demonstrated by overwhelming evidence that Proposition 8 violates their due process and equal protection rights and that they will continue to suffer these constitutional violations until state officials cease enforcement of Proposition 8. California is able to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, as it has already issued 18,000 marriage licenses to same-sex couples and has not suffered any demonstrated harm as a result, see FF 64-66; moreover, California officials have chosen not to defend Proposition 8 in these proceedings.

Because Proposition 8 is unconstitutional under both the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses, the court orders entry of judgment permanently enjoining its enforcement; prohibiting the official defendants from applying or enforcing Proposition 8 and directing the official defendants that all persons under their control or supervision shall not apply or enforce Proposition 8. The clerk is DIRECTED to enter judgment without bond in favor of plaintiffs and plaintiff-intervenors and against defendants anddefendant-intervenors pursuant to FRCP 58.


The full decision can be found here. Notable segments are on pages

UPDATE (10:46): Other notable segment:


Plaintiffs challenge Proposition 8 under the Due Process
and Equal Protection Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment. Each
challenge is independently meritorious, as Proposition 8 both
unconstitutionally burdens the exercise of the fundamental right to
marry and creates an irrational classification on the basis of
sexual orientation.

Reposted from prop8trialtracker

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My grand baby is a fangirl!

Once a week or so, I go over to the son's house and babysit while they get a chance to have some together time. The go out to eat, see a movie, or one night they did both! They both came back looking much more relaxed and refreshed. Because babies, for being such a small scrap of humanity, are very adept at completely taking over homes, lives and bending everyone to their tiny wills and very loud and very demanding needs.

So, wee little one and I were getting along wonderfully, she had been giving me her patented smiles, and I was talking to her, patting her tummy as she laid on her blanket on the floor, kicking and wiggling and just being a happy little person. Then she felt that she might have a corner of her tummy that was maybe not as full as necessary, so out came the whimpers, and the sad faces. In short order, her tummy corner was filled, her diaper changed and a nice sized burp had been coaxed out of her.

However for some reason known only to her, it was still whimper fussy city. Hmmm.... So, I picked her up and patted and rocked and walked and talked and still fussy fussy fussy! Sigh... In a weird moment of I'll try anything, I pulled my trusty Iphone from my pocket, clicked on the Itunes, and Miyavi was already to play. And wee little one, shut up! Her eyes got huge. She laid perfectly still listening to Miyavi sing. Ok! When the song came to an end, I tried other artists but none of them seemed to make her as happy as Miyavi did. And if you are wondering, No! I didn't play Marilyn Manson! Give me some credit.

Before she drifted off that night for her evening nap, she must have listened to this song 4 or 5 times. So now, whenever I babysit, this is the song I play for her when she is fussy.