cornered

In my last post, I spoke about the suicide of Brandon Bitner.  After reading the story at Queerty, I did an internet search on the news, because they can kinda play fast and loose with the facts at times.  However, this time they were completely correct,  FTW!   Any way..... TH (the husband) happened to call right around the time I was crying at the waste of yet one more precious human life.  Needless to say, I was very upset, and didn't really carefully monitor my words.  After hanging up from him, I realized that about half way through the conversation a chill point had occurred.

Last night TH told me what had upset him on the phone.  It was the use of the word "us" in talking about bigots and GLBT haters.  Us?  How is that such a hard word for him to swallow?  He said it puts "space" between us.  Moves me further away from him.  He has also gotten into the habit of using feminine pronouns with me again, especially in front of others.  But to be fair to TH, a few bloggers of late have referred to me as "she".  So, is it just habit with him?  Or is it him wanting me to fit into my old space in our lives?  Back when our lives ran on greased rails, and we were so tight a ray of light couldn't fit between us.  Before TH and I starting drifting apart.  Some of that drift is due to my unending depression.  It's much better than it was this summer, but I'm still not back to anything that could be termed normal behavior for me.

So, I'm out and about doing errands and whatnot, or in some sorta social situation, where I'm expected to agree with someone when they refer to me in the feminine.  I do try to avoid it, but for some reason often they back me into the corner, until I have no choice but to agree with them.  Which feels like a knife to the gut.

This summer, I was filling out my fishing license to go silver salmon fishing.  And ya know how it is when you are filling out stuff that really doesn't take any brain power at all do accomplish, your brain idles down, and its just kinda on rote.  Name, address, height, weight, age, sex.  Now I went through the list, chatting with TH about nothing of import, and just barely caught myself at the last moment.  What did I almost do, without thinking about it?  I almost marked the box for male.  My pen came to a wavering halt, and for the longest (at least it seemed that way) time I was confused as to what box to check.  Finally I remembered and X'd the box for female.  


I thought i was doing ok, but TH told me last night, that I'm not doing very well.  I feel as though I'm stuck.  I think I might be ok with this girl body, if I could express my maleness with the proper  pronouns.  But to be honest, I'm not really sure about that either.  So, I'm just plain stuck, like a fly in tree sap.  There is no going forward, no going back.  Not sure how much of TH's vision is correct, as he can be a negative nelly most of the time.  I really honestly don't know what to do.  Is it that I'm denying who I am, to please others?  Is that why I don't transition?  Is this yet again a manifestation of my abusive childhood?  Where I was taught so very well, that I had no worth, no voice, and was unwanted by everyone?   Fuck, I wish I knew the answers to all of my questions.