Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Wagons, ho!

I'm at the airport waiting for my flight to Saint Paul to meet up with TH and 2nd son and his wife. 2nd son has the entire time off, but  his Wife won't arrive until Thursday afternoon. She is a grad student and a TA, she is one busy girl.   

Luckily we don't have any thing planned except eating turkey dinner with some friends of 2nd son. Which is the best way to visit if you ask me. 

Due to their postage stamp sized home, TH and I are bunking at a local hotel. Which is good, less chances of friction due to not having any personal space and time. 

I'm still battling my depression, I'm hoping that this trip to loved ones will snap this cycle.  I took a page from R.J. and bought The Sims 3 game. It really does help with depression. Your mind is to busy to focus on personal issues, it's a ton of fun.  In a odd slightly confused and overworked way. 

See ya in a few days!

Thursday, November 15, 2012


Hey, I didn't mean to scare y'all.  No matter how depressed I get, there will be no suicide attempts, and that is a solid gold promise.  I intend to see this life out, no matter where it leads me, no early out tickets for me.

For some unknown reason however, when I get very depressed all of my old self destructive habits come rushing in at me screaming at me to fall into those deceptively soft arms.  So, an embargo on beer until those shrill voices shut the fuck up and let me be.  Drink was a false mistress that lead me far from shore as a teen, and I still fight the desire to drink when life gets shitty.

What led me to that dark path?  I hesitate to tell you, it sounds so stupid, so mundane, and yet for me holds so much angst and pain. 
                                   Shopping for clothing. 

I don't notice/see/pay attention to my reflection, ever.   When I do look in the mirror it isnt ME that I see.  The mirror however is unavoidable when one is shopping for clothing, and yes, I did need clothes, mine were looking old and worn.  

As for the id10t remark?  Yeah, I am an idiot for being such a gutless person, for being a door mat to others, for not being brave enough to live for myself.    

I fear hurting my beloved TH and boys.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

stupid whiny me

i can't live like this any longer.   people only see a girl, but i'm not. i'm not a girl.

i'm an invisible guy.  an imaginary man.  an illusion in my head.

what i am is          


afraid of losing TH, but he hasnt changed his mind, i change, he's gone gone gone

my sons who i love to death? who the fuck knows for sure what lurks in their dark spaces.

i just want this to all go away, to be whole.

what a fucking id10t i am

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Break Me, Shake Me (Down No more)

As y'all know, I'm not a huge watcher of tv.  Oh, I have my must watch shows, Mythbusters, any and all Project Runways, Futurama's, Bob's Burgers, Robot Chicken, Modern Family, Suburgatory.  However, I have been known to go a week without turning the tv on, especially if I'm in a reading phase and not a knitting phase.  I knit to tv, it keeps me focused on both.  Yes, yes, I do have the attention span at times of a 4 year old, thanks for pointing that out.

A week ago my cable/internet bill came.  Oh my!  $138.00 for both?  How much of that was the tv?  Looking, pulling out phone to add up the list of items.....78$!!!  Holy Hannah on Crack!

This will not do.  Not do at all.

I looked up Netflicks, and Hulu Prime.  Hmm, Hulu has way way way more tv content, AND movies. They were offering a free week trial, ok lets try that!  The next day I woke up feeling like crud...no no dont feel sorry for me, twas my own damned fault, I ate some egg rolls that had chicken in them, and I'm allergic to chicken. Stupid, stupid me.  Sigh... So, it was the perfect day to sit and knit and watch tv.

Does any one remember The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show?  They have it!  Watched an episode of Modern Family I missed this season.  A fantastic movie, "An Ordinary Family".  Tracy Takes on... and many others.  All for the low low price of $7.99!

The only down side to this arrangement is that I  cant figure out how to watch the NFL, but without TH to watch it with me, its just not as fun.

Today, the DVR went for a ride in George and was returned to the cable store.  And now I have an entire 70$ more a month to spend on books!  Yarn!

I've broken the chains binding me to cable, and couldnt be happier!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Of knitting, learning and finding a friend

The knitting conference was interesting, for the most part everyone was respectful of others abilities, of course there had to be a few sour grapes, luckily I only ran into a few of them.  The better teachers kept these knitters in line, held them back and made them wait until everyone had arrived at the end of that step so everyone could begin the new row/technique at the same time.  And really, if you think about it, it does make it easier for the teacher to keep all of the student attempting the same thing together.  No having to muck about to decide where student is, and just what you have done to get things that fouled up.

It really surprised me how exhausting knitting can be!  After a really hard and tricky class, my entire body was worn out, to say nothing of the brain cells.  A lot of it's due, I'm sure to being tensed up for 3 hours, trying hard to winkle out how to do what they are attempting to teach us.  Compounding that was temperature of the class rooms.  While I know I need a higher temperature to function, yes I am a reptile!, everyone was bundled up.  At one point I had on a undershirt, a long sleeved t-shirt, a thin sweater and a thermal top, with a scarf wound around my neck, and my coat over my legs.  I was wishing that I had of brought some of my heavier hoodies and sweaters.

Over the course of 4 days I took 9 classes.  Some of which weren't to hard, it was just learning the basics and then practice practice practice.  Carnegie Hall here I come!  What?? Grandmother always told me no one got to Carnegie without practice!

Every class came with some sort of hand outs.  Some will be carefully placed into sleeves and placed in my knitting binder, others? Yeah, they wont be saved.

What were the coolest thing(s) I learned?  Hmmm.....How about knitting two socks, at the same time, on the same needles, one within the other?  They have been referred to "War and Peace" socks, due to Tolstoy mentioning them.  That was without a doubt AMAZING!  I'm going to be buying some sock yarn and give it a go!  After the whole ribbing on the top half, its not that tricky either, weirdly enough.

Knitting plaid.  Yeah, that is going to take some pre-planning to get it to work our right, but I think that this is something doable.  The trick is, at least I think so, is to decide what colors go in what order, and then going for it.  My learning piece is rather small, but its starting to look like my favorite color, plaid!

Wire knitting.  That was lots of fun, hard on the fingers tugging, tugging, tugging on something that isnt exactly finger friendly.  I can see many christmas gifts using this technique. This isnt what I was supposed to produce, but I liked the bangle idea better.

Putting zips into sweaters.  Second son wants a sweater from me, with a zip naturally, something that I didnt know how to do before this class, and quite honestly was afraid of.  But after a brief explanation, BOOM! it all makes perfect sense.

I sat next to loads if different ladies, enjoyed some very interesting chats, which is nice as knitting is more or less a solitary activity.  One lady from Canada is the sweetest person you could ever think to meet.  We had quite a lot in common, she wanted to exchange email addys, but before we did, I came out to her.  I'm tired of hiding who I am, and if a new friendship is in the making, I want it to be on a truthful footing.  She was very accepting of me, I hope to find a way to meet up with her in person again.  She is a treasure indeed.