As I calmed down, and left the fearful, and shy zone, I noticed that almost everyone attending had the saddest eyes. Years of not being able to be "seen" for who they are, being afraid of others reactions, has left it's mark. Even though I was still hampered by bouts of shyness, I made sure to look my fellow trans in the eyes, and smile, to validate their existence and worth as humans. I began to get loads of smiles back.
Everyone there is worried about "passing". And yes, some do it much more successfully than others. But even the most successful of these worried nonstop about not looking right, not sounding right, moving in a way that doesn't break the illusion they are weaving. The transwomen worry about not being feminine enough, and the transmen worry about not being stereotypically masculine.
Among both groups there seems to be a hierarchy, yes even among us trans, there seems to be a need to pick on each other, sad isn't it? The transmen seem to garner disapproval by other transmen by not being hyper masculine by coming across as a "femme" gay guy. I talked with one guy about it. He said he didn't care if he got hate by other transmen, he wasn't going to change how he acted to please others. I really enjoyed talking with him, we really hit it off.
While the vast majority of transwomen were in their 40's, most of the transmen were young! The youngest that I met was 16. The under 18 crowd had to be chaperoned. Needless to say these young teens were overwhelmed and out of their element. So, why are there young transmen, but not transwomen? I don't know, this has really made me curious.
I got a few dismissive looks from some of the late 20's transmen, which were extremely hurtful. It's funny, I felt completely comfortable with the transwomen, but my own gender made me feel uncertain and tongue tied. Made me feel unworthy and as if I shouldn't even have been there.
After each nights dinner banquet there was dancing in the lounge. I was standing watching people dance when a woman came up and started flirting with me!!! Last night one woman wouldn't take no for an answer! She kept touching me, stroking my arm, leaning on me, sigh. As I made my escape from her, I was asked if I was dancing. I didn't understand at first, but finally realized she was asking me TO dance. Yes, yes I know, a total face palm moment for me. We did finally dance, and spent hours talking, she is a very cool person.
This morning I had the pleasure of having Jamison Green sitting down next to me at brunch. He is handsome, sexy, and one of the smartest person I've met in a long time. If you ever get a chance to hear him speak, go you won't be disappointed.
Ok, so now the hard question, did this change my mind about transitioning? No, and yes. No, because the reason can't, or more correctly won't transition hasn't changed. Yes, because I saw ftm's that while short, could totally pass and they looked good! I was rather jealous seeing the teen trans guys. If I was a teen now, that could be me getting ready to starting testosterone, and being able to live as a visible male.
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