Monday, January 24, 2011

Snapshots on the last day

A common theme throughout the workshops was to find your own narrative. Finding yourself in the louder noise of society. It doesn't matter what others see, only who we know ourselves to be. By not allowing others to label us, often with hurtful language, empowers us. I think this is true for everyone.

As I calmed down, and left the fearful, and shy zone, I noticed that almost everyone attending had the saddest eyes. Years of not being able to be "seen" for who they are, being afraid of others reactions, has left it's mark. Even though I was still hampered by bouts of shyness, I made sure to look my fellow trans in the eyes, and smile, to validate their existence and worth as humans. I began to get loads of smiles back.

Everyone there is worried about "passing". And yes, some do it much more successfully than others. But even the most successful of these worried nonstop about not looking right, not sounding right, moving in a way that doesn't break the illusion they are weaving. The transwomen worry about not being feminine enough, and the transmen worry about not being stereotypically masculine.

Among both groups there seems to be a hierarchy, yes even among us trans, there seems to be a need to pick on each other, sad isn't it? The transmen seem to garner disapproval by other transmen by not being hyper masculine by coming across as a "femme" gay guy. I talked with one guy about it. He said he didn't care if he got hate by other transmen, he wasn't going to change how he acted to please others. I really enjoyed talking with him, we really hit it off.

While the vast majority of transwomen were in their 40's, most of the transmen were young! The youngest that I met was 16. The under 18 crowd had to be chaperoned. Needless to say these young teens were overwhelmed and out of their element. So, why are there young transmen, but not transwomen? I don't know, this has really made me curious.

I got a few dismissive looks from some of the late 20's transmen, which were extremely hurtful. It's funny, I felt completely comfortable with the transwomen, but my own gender made me feel uncertain and tongue tied. Made me feel unworthy and as if I shouldn't even have been there.

After each nights dinner banquet there was dancing in the lounge. I was standing watching people dance when a woman came up and started flirting with me!!! Last night one woman wouldn't take no for an answer! She kept touching me, stroking my arm, leaning on me, sigh. As I made my escape from her, I was asked if I was dancing. I didn't understand at first, but finally realized she was asking me TO dance. Yes, yes I know, a total face palm moment for me. We did finally dance, and spent hours talking, she is a very cool person.

This morning I had the pleasure of having Jamison Green sitting down next to me at brunch. He is handsome, sexy, and one of the smartest person I've met in a long time. If you ever get a chance to hear him speak, go you won't be disappointed.

Ok, so now the hard question, did this change my mind about transitioning? No, and yes. No, because the reason can't, or more correctly won't transition hasn't changed. Yes, because I saw ftm's that while short, could totally pass and they looked good! I was rather jealous seeing the teen trans guys. If I was a teen now, that could be me getting ready to starting testosterone, and being able to live as a visible male.

Sent from my iPad

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Second day

What to say about yesterday? The entire day was filled with running from workshop to workshop, and I missed one I was looking forward to. I met a therapist who was talking to me about if I should come out to the children or not, due to my desire to live a life in the middle, androgyny "r" I.

What I learned from from her is that transgender people are helped by therapists who specialize in PTSD. Which I found rather odd, until she explained it. Growing up never able to trust your instincts, always feeling off kilter from others, causes built up stress, starting from the time we are very young.

I found that the age I began to know me as a boy, around 5, is the most common age of awakening.



For the first time in my life I've done something in the normal column of life. Let me tell you, that felt mega cool to be one of the herd.

Everyone running the conference, the workshops, and the people I have met and chatted with have without fail been wonderful.

And yesterday at a workshop I was lucky enough to meet Jamison Green! His book literally changed my life. I told him so, and thanked him. So that was a totally a Wayne's World moment for me.

Today all the F2M workshops are being held. With a luncheon by none other than Jamison Green. So this should be an interesting day to say the least.

Unless something occurs between this year and next, I will be back!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The first day

Wow! What a day! Last night when I arrived in Boston, I was trashed, tired, and only wanted 3 things.
1. A shower
2. Dinner

And that's just what I did. This morning I headed to the restaurant, ate a nice breakfast, drew in a big breath, and went in search of the conference.

Today was a slow day, but it was a good way for me to ease onto this. Today was mostly vendors setting up, a movie marathon, that I wasn't to interested in, and the Decades Dance and dinner.

I'll tell you the truth, I was mega freaked about attending the dinner and dance. I jumped onto chat, and Jay was on. We chatted while I was getting ready. He gave me the confidence to head on down. I bought black nail polish, it's very odd to wear polish again. I was supposed to wear guy liner, but the pencil had dried up and it didn't work, sigh. What I found cool, was that many people thought my tat sleeves were real! If only!!!

These two sweet and wonderful women took pity on me when they found out I was new and nervous, and sat with me. One of their friends "Jane" sat down with us as well.

They started the dance and "Jane" asked me if I knew how to jitterbug. Nope, I sure didn't. But was open to giving it a try. Turns out it was a money dance! And we won! Then we danced again....and won again! A different couple won the third dance, they were good! "Jane" and I were the grand prize winners! Together total we split $125.00!

The food was great, the music fun, and the company was even better.

Tomorrow the workshops begin, and I can't wait. I'm so very happy I took the chance and came.

Best. Decision. Ever!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

On my way!

Today the fact that I'm actually going to this conference, alone, finally sunk into my thick brain. Which sparked a mercifully short panic attack. Why did I panic at this late stage? This is kinda a big deal for me, adding in the fact that TH (the husband) won't be with me.

So, I decided to just man up and deal.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I have freak fever, is it the end of the world?

Chris Crocker - Freak of Nature OFFICIAL (uncensored) MUSIC VIDEO!! from chris crocker on Vimeo.

Ok, I'll admit it, this is the ONLY dance music that I have ever bought. And is it just me, or is Chris hot as both genders? Wow....If I'm listening to dance music, whats next? Country? Shudder, I don't even want to think about that.

I do have one other dance song on my itunes, yes I have only two. The other one is by a Korean guy, G Dragon. Wanna see?

Ok, let the teasing begin!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Decision Made!

Ok, so the whole what I should wear to the dance was wearing me out!  Finally, I just decided to have fun with it all, and dress how I want to.  So, even though the decades for the dance officially end at '80s, always being someone who enjoys pushing things a bit, am going as a heavy metal rocker.  And my look is rather more '90s than 80's but hey what are they going to do, toss me out?

So, here is bits and pieces of my look for the dance.

My shirt!

My tattoo sleeves.  

My earrings, second, or upper piercing, yes on my ears!
Lower piercing earrings, and yeah still on the ears.

So, add jeans and my trusty skull trainers, my new avatar, and thats my rocker outfit.  

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Let's Get This Party Started!

Today is my birthday!  Not the day of my birth, but the day of my awakening.  What a year this has been.  I have been re-reading my blog from the time when I began to wake up, coming out of my personal coma, and into the light.  Needless to say, it hasn't been an easy year, but one that I wouldn't trade away, period.  I have seen the deepest despair, and the giddy heights of pure and unadulterated joy.

Despair, knowing there isn't any way to maintain anything close to my current life if I transition.  Stratosphere heights came from finally at long last knowing who I am, and how with this last piece of the puzzle of me, everything finally fits, makes sense.  Joy and despair all rolled into one convenient package.  Yeah, that about sums it up.

Last year at this time, with the voyage barely began, I was convinced that I was androgynous.  I know now that not to be true.  I'm a transsexual.  And an anomaly according to my ex-therapist.  According to her, she hasn't ever had a person realize they are transsexual, know they would be happier living within a proper gender conforming body, and then choosing not to.

At first my decision not to transition was based solely on keeping TH (the husband).  We have been married since the dawn of time, 32 years.  And like all long married couples we really no longer have a clearly delineated where "I" ends and "you" begins.  As this year flowed by TH's views on my physical body shifted as he began to slowly understand what this was in reality doing to me, and as his comfort level grew with the whole idea that, yes I'm a guy.

One fine day, we were out shopping and he said to me, "You don't move like a girl anymore.  Not that you were ever very girly, but now….you take up more real estate, you walk bigger, sit bigger."

I let this simmer for a bit, then worked up my nerve to ask fearing the worst, "Does it bother  you?"


While the statement was painful to my fledging heart and identity, at least he was truthful.

At first when I made the decision not to transition, the grief about killed me, and I began a death spiral down, cumulating into a 24 hour period that almost saw me leaving all of the pain and grief behind me for good.  If it hadn't been for two really good friends talking to me for hours, I honestly doubt there would be this post, yeah it was honestly that hairs breath close.  Why wasn't TH the one to hold me together?  He was out of the state, visiting his best friend.  He realized when he called me how bad I was, but he was out of reach. His first instinct was to call one of our sons, and I'm rather glad he didn't, as I'm sure I would have spilled the truth to them.  Something I'm honestly frozen with fear of them knowing.

Late this summer, TH gathered me into his lap and arms and told me very seriously that he wanted me to transition, I needed to live for me, not him.  While the selflessness of his offer was breathtaking, the reality of it is just to stark.  Living without my best friend, the one person on earth who loves me for me, is an alien planet I don't want to discover.

Last week I was answering an email, giving the person my physical address as I had won a book by him.  I go by a diminutive of my name, ending in an "ie". Now without the later part of my name, tis a guys name. I rattled off my name and addy and then paused……and backed up and changed Bobbie to Bob*.  I sat and rolled Bob around my mind for a while, and then hit send.

Today I was going to celebrate my b-day with going shopping for an outfit for the "Decades Dance" for the trans conference.  I couldn't manage to get myself out of the house.  One problem its very hard in this smallish town we live in to not run into someone we know.  Yes, I'm very deeply in the closet, and fear the daylight.

And so the year ends rather as it had began, with me trying to live an androgynous life.  Trying to walk the line between nothing overtly feminine and not looking "butch".  I'm not really sure why, but the idea of coming across as a butchy lesbian bothers me to no end.  Yeah, yeah I know weird, but whatever.

This is going to sound odd, but I feel as though I'm on the cusp of …….. something.  I'm not sure what it is that I'm feeling, but ya know the feeling you get when you first wake up and your dream is so vivid, but as the seconds tick past, it fades quickly, no matter how hard you grasp to keep it?  Yeah, that's how I'm feeling lately.  There is something tickling the back of my brain, but I just yet grasp it.  It will come to me, of that I'm sure.

Ok, and now a question for all of you.  It was brought to my attention that the name I've chosen to write under, Biki and my avatar is a sorta feminine.  What do you think, should I change them?  And if you have been wondering how I pronounce Biki, tis said bee-key.

Love ya all!

*my name is NOT Bobbie

Sunday, January 2, 2011


Ok, life is pretty damned perfect!  TH (the husband) watched "Taboo" on Nat Geo, the topic was "The Third Sex".  The trans people on the show were m2f's, but seeing their faces when they talked about being trapped inside the wrong body, explained more to him in the length of the show than I have managed to explain to him over the course of nearly a year.  When he saw the relief in one woman's face after having completed her surgery, now at long last her body conformed to her gender, he finally understood what its like for me.  I really believe that was the turning point for him, his pivot to really and honestly getting it.

Since that show, our lives have changed dramatically.  He is much more open with me now, and I no longer feel so tongue tied around him.  So, I'm opening up more to him, and he is at long last willing and able to listen to me.  This is such a relief you cant even imagine, part of my depression has been the gulf between us, that I didn't know how to bridge.  While we don't have the same taste in many things, we do mesh well together in life.  Having that large and silent wasteland between us, that I didn't know how to fix or if it could even be fixed, was cutting me off from my best friend, my confidant, my love.

We talked long into the night several days in a row.  But what really meant the most to me, is when he told me he would love me forever, no matter what body I'm in.  And that if I changed my mind, and transitioned, he would move stateside with me.  He didn't promise anything more than trying.  And yeah, I'm ok with him possibly not being able to deal with me in a man's body, I know that there is no way I could deal with him a girls body.

I have the ticket, the room reserved, and have paid for my place at the conference.  So, everything is all set for me to go.  I have looked at the workshop chart and there are a few places where I'm truly divided about what to attend.  If you are curious about the conference here is their link.

So, for all of you bloggers out there I would need to ask you for help.  They are holding a dance, and at first I wasn't going to dress up for it, but have since changed my mind.  So, here's the question.  Its being called a Decade Dance, and I'm supposed to dress up as my favorite decade.  Now, first off the idea that someone could/ would even have a favorite decade rather surprised me to no end.  I mean come on, really?  A favorite decade?  Anyway, I need clothing help.  I have no idea what to wear at all.  Remember that I need male clothing, yeah?  And please, no suggestions of disco clothing.  Cause I really don't like my clothes to shout HERE I AM LOOK AT ME!  Any suggestions?