Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I'll take "Androgyne" for $500 please.

Starting out on this odyssey of self discovery I began at the point of being an androgyne.  Life was good, the label/box fit me well.  Then as time went on, I realized just that there was more male inside me than female, and my label shifted yet again, and I thought of myself as transgender.  A transgender person who wanted the SRS.

I've been doing a huge amount of thinking these past few days and have pinpointed that very point as to where my extreme unhappiness began.  Yes, I did post about that, but then later thru talking with various people who thought I was selling myself out, I slid back to the trans label.

This is how I see it.  Yes, I am a guy on the inside, and no I don't fit well in the female world at all.  However, and this is a big however, I live as a female and there is no easy way to unhook my life as a female without causing many people harm.  Wait!  I am one of those people who it would cause grievous harm to.  Yes, I know that my tendencies is to be a door mat to my family, believe me I have given this a great deal of thought to make damned sure that it wasn't fear that was making me change my idea of who I am.

Am I a coward?  Is the fear of an unknown future what is holding me back from transitioning?  To be honest, I don't think so.  Yes, I did say think, not know.  But like I said, since that dark day when I decided to transition my life has been one long unending session of depression and gloom.  I just cant live that way any longer.  So, I'm rolling back the clock and going to try living with the androgyne label again and see if that is my key to happiness.

A few days ago on chat, I told a good friend just how depressed I am.  After listening to me a bit, he said he would pass on the advice that he was given a few years ago that helped him.  Pissed him off, but a few days later helped him.  His advice?  "Cut the shit Biki".  Thats what lead me to where I am now.

I've been told that moving forward will allow me to live, but being stuck, unable to make a decision will kill me, and how very right they were.  I woke up today feeling much more positive.  More so than I've felt in a long while.  I feel rather peaceful inside, which is a great feeling!

So, roll the dice and lets get on with the game of life, yeah?

Friday, September 10, 2010

Randomized Particles

Well since we last visited not a whole lot of anything of large import has occurred.  Just the usual current of life.  But little pieces of things have accumulated on the desktop of my mind, which is cluttered as usual, with odds and ends.

It's full on fall now.  The leaves are all turning gold, and starting to litter the ground.  It doesn't quite yet smell like moose season, but its getting close.  What does moose season smell like?  Hmmm, I guess the best way to explain it is the smell of fall in the woods.  Kinda spicy, kinda musky, with a tang of chill in the mix.  While I'm not a lover of the coldness of winter, the energy that comes with autumn is one of my favorites.  We had a little visitor looking for mushrooms in our back garden today, and he was kind enough to let me snap his picture.

An unrealized bonus of watching my wee little grand daughter is that I also get about 15 minutes alone time with my eldest son each morning, which is wonderful.  I'm happy that he's all grown up and flown our nest to build a new one with his wife and baby, but still I do miss getting just one on one time with him.  They both (son and dil {daughter in law}) come home for lunch at the same time, so I sit and visit with them and that is really nice too.  I think, well I hope that finally I'm building a closer relationship with my daughter in law, something that I have sorely wanted.

Wedding plans for son #3 and his wife to be are advancing, they have finally picked a date, July 23.  I would love to come out to the boys, but I'm thinking that maybe I should hold off until after the wedding or I might have to attend the wedding "a la Bette Midler" style in Stella.  Is there a true difference being tossed away by parents and siblings and being tossed away by your children?  

I tried my hand at making sushi with the salmon we caught.  TH (the husband) said it was good.  No, I don't eat it, for some reason it just wont digest in my stomach, and our youngest has the same issue, yes yes I know weird, but hey its me your talking about.  Anyways, the sushi came out ok, just my sizing was off, and my rice didn't quite stick together as tightly as necessary.  The problem I think was that let my rice cool to much before trying to form it.  But since it was a hit, will be trying again.  If it comes out better next time, maybe I'll snap a photo.

My holistic doctor who is helping me deal with my emotions, because our emotions color our health as you well know.  She doesn't let me see what she is testing me for until I have a reaction, and then she tells me, which emotion is pinging on me.  This week it was the emotion of feeling distorted.

As she got ready to help me clear this emotion from my system, she said "Imagine yourself in a fun house mirror."

me, "Why?  All I have to do is to think about what I see when I look in the mirror."

her, "Oh, that must be so hard to deal with!  Ok, think about that."

Does it really help?  I'm not sure to be honest.  What I do know is that it does bring me several things.  One, I do feel more peaceful after my treatments, which is a huge help.  And two, it brings to the forefront some of my emotions that I didn't really know I was experiencing.

I feel rather lost anymore, not sure of who I am.  When it was rather forcefully brought to my attention that I was a girl, it did cause a total change in my personality.  Before that I was rather serious, and prone to settling fights with my fists.  Afterward I was the bubbly "girl", I know you remember one of those.  But as I got into high school, I started dressing rather well....distorted.  An odd mix of boy and girl clothes.  And once on a dare by Porn Boy, dressed as full on girl, without any odd bits thrown in.  Several of my "friends" didn't recognize me, so that tells me they weren't seeing the true me, but the false front me, the cardboard cutout that I used as me.

I would really like to find me somewhere in all this mass of boxes and to be comfortable enough to display the real me to all who look in my shop window.  My bubbly "girl" has gone and I think for good.  She wasn't ever real anyway, so thats good, yeah?  But TH misses her, and wants her back, something that I don't think is possible, nor do I really miss her.......