Saturday, February 27, 2010

Shadow of the Day

Hey, I want to tell all of you thank you for all of your support lately.  It means a lot to me, the difference between keeping it together and loosing it totally.  I'm going to use your comments from my last post to answer some of your questions, and fill you in on how I am feeling about things.

Aek said: Because he's known you for so long, don't you think he might see through your "light and fluffy?" If not, then he's also avoiding the subject I think, but idk.

At least the good thing about hair is that it grows out. I hope you'll find a balance between what both of you can tolerate. It's cold enough up there.

My normal conversation is light and fluffy.  I flow from topic to topic normally when I chat with T.H.  So, would he notice a difference in our conversations?  No, most likely not.  Is he avoiding the subject?  Most definitely yes.

The one thing that will not change, that I refuse to back down on, is my hair.  In my entire life I have never enjoyed looking in a mirror, and now to my great surprise and delight, I do.  It just looks right, it feels even better, I feel like the me inside, not what I'm supposed to be, but what I feel I am.  All the boys love my hair, I even got a big hug and was told, "Cool hair mom!"  Which from a son is high praise indeed.

So, how will I deal with T.H. and the issue of me looking like a boy because of my hair style?  Pitch dark bedroom comes to mind first.  And no I am NOT trying to make light of it.  Joshua made me realize just how much this has to be shaking T.H.'s view of his sexuality.  Because if I keep telling him about my inner boy?  Then just what does that make him, yeah now you see it too.  And if he can't see my hair while we are making love, then it should be ok, until he comes to terms with the fact that this doesn't make him anything else than what he has been all these years.  

Mr. Hci and Bob both offered this: If things don't improve very soon, I hope you'll consider some kind of couples' counseling, especially if you can find someone with experience dealing with sexuality issues with couples.

This goes back to the whole won't talk about it issue.  I think the best thing to do right now, is just to let things sit.  Let him calm down and just allow him the time to process things.  He doesn't ever jump to make any decision.  No, T.H. is more of a studier, a thinker, a mull things over kinda guy.  Me?  Oh I am one of those snap decisions kinda person.

When I changed my name he acted just like he is doing now.  At first very supportive of it, and then as time passed things changed, and he didn't want to hear me talk about it any more.  Totally clammed up, sound familiar?  Yeah, it does to me too.   So, what I expect will happen, is that a funny look, or a short word from him, will cause me to blow open, and everything will come tumbling out of me.  Will it be pretty?  No.  Will it be loud?  On my part, hellz yeah!  And this is just what happened when I changed my name.   Even though he knew how important it was to me to have a name that was clean and free of bad memories, he pulled away from it.  Until like now, I was left alone in my decision.  Then one day the damned up feelings burst out of me, and I pushed him into a chair and basically screamed at him.  Telling him that I gave him a chance to voice his disagreement back at the beginning of that long journey, and that it was high time he lived up to that commitment he made to me then. T.H. had the balls to tell me he wasn't going to ever use my new name!  Yeah, that didn't go over well to say the least.  I put him on notice that he had until my court date to get used to my name, and after that he had to use my new name.  He was stubborn for a while and refused to call me anything at all.  He has come to terms with my name, it took him about 6 months or so.  And he often pointed out to me, quite gleefully in fact, that he wasn't using my new name and wasn't sure he was going to. 

My role in our relationship seems to be to keep him moving.  He is a rock, you always know what you are going to get out of him.  My more quicksilver person is to keep him rolling into the now and towards the future. He would be stationary I do believe if it wasn't for myself and the boys.  He kicked and hollered about getting cellphones, but he is rarely without his now!

I have been thinking about talking to a therapist myself.  Never have I had any luck with them before. In the past I saw one hoping to be able to talk out some of the feelings I had pent up inside of me from the years of abuse from my mother.  All she was interested in was giving me tips on how to deal with her now.  And yes, that was very helpful, but that's not what I needed.  So, am rather wary about trying again.  I don't trust easily tbh, and the only therapist in town that deals with gender issues, is a woman...... and I don't ever seem to connect well with them.  So, idk.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea.  I can't even imagine my life without T.H.!  He is my world.  Do I love him?  Hellz yea!  The even bigger question, am I still in love with him?  Yes, yes, yes.  When I hear his ring tone, my heart just soars. And when he wraps his arms around me, and pulls me into his chest, I am home.  From the way he holds me, I know he feels the same for me.  These past few weeks have been hell, and if I allow him to continue on as he is doing, I can see us getting a divorce.  Because once again he has gotten stuck in the  rut of stubbornness…… and it is my job to dynamite him out of it. 

For now?  I will go it alone, cry on all of your shoulders, and into my pillow when he isn't' home.  The introspection into me, and what if any changes, including both superficial and physical that I want to make, will continue.  He is living on borrowed time, the countdown has begun.  If he fails to come to terms with it?  Refuses to open up and talk to me or a therapist about it?  Well then, it could be the beginning of the end.  Because I refuse to be a doormat and submerge my feelings forever.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Ok, so you all know I have a new hairstyle that looks boy, especially from the back.  Well the other day, I was on my knees and I felt him loose interest........ and no, that hasn't ever happened before.  Later on he off hand mentioned that when he looked down it was like a boy giving him a bj.

yeah...................................... ok

and since then? there has been space between us, there is s cold spot between us.  he is snapping at me, not getting as many hugs, and the bed is cold also.


so, i have been wearing make-up again, not that i ever wore it daily to begin with, but the last two days, i have made sure to put it on.  wear my most fem tops, that show a lot of chest (uggh!) that i just hate wearing, hoping to remind him that i am indeed at least sexed female.


while trying to put him at ease, i feel stifled.  just finding out what/who i really am, and now having to back pedal is super painful.  because my fears is this will become status quo... and i will never be able to express who i really am inside.  that my boy will have to be crammed away again, just as i was planning to jettison my more fem clothing that i despise this occurs


fucking hell

to keep him, do i have to keep me hid away again? Oh, fuck i dont wanna do that!  finally beginning to feel whole, feeling more alive inside, than i have in many years.  and last week, i got the doctor to write me a 'script for testosterone creme.  why? cause it makes me feel better, makes me more alert, just happier, many women use it. but i am wondering if this is also part of the problem? does he see this as me wanting to be more boy?? idk idk idk idk!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fucking shit

is this the beginning of the end?  we have had our rough patches over the years, but never anything like this, ever!  this cold space feels almost empty between us...?  so talking about anything real is out for now, i am trying to keep it light and fluffy, something i excel at.  but how long can we live on this? idk, and my heart squeezes tighter with the thought.  it doesnt take much sometimes to kill a relationship sometimes, and everything feels off kilter, wrong, and it makes me wanna shout


Saturday, February 20, 2010

Pushing Me Away

I went to the salon a few days ago to have my haircut.  Usually my hair is the same old bob that i have worn for years, sometimes a different,  but for the most part, I've been wearing a bob now for idk 10 years or so.  I went in to the salon with a few ideas, but nothing concrete to tell the stylist.  I was thinking about an asymmetrical bob, that would be very short under one ear and would almost touch my shoulder on the other..... but it was still a bob......sigh.

While I was sitting there waiting, the memory of a emo hairstyle I had seen on a very cute boy, popped into my head.  And before I could really nail down what about that hair style that so captivated me, it was my turn in the chair.  As I sat down, worry began to swirl around me, every single time I have gone into a salon without a set in stone plan for my hair, the worst ever hair carries me out.  It always turns out way to fem for me to enjoy or actually even know how to maintain it if that was something I would want to look like.

As she swirled the cape around me, she asked what kinda of hair style I was looking for, and lost I looked up right into the photo of a cute guy.... My mouth seemed to open on its own, and what fell out of it was something like this;  I want the back short, shaped in layers like a guys, up and over the ears, they must be showing, i want those fringe like things in front of my ears, and the top long and messy with no part.

She clarified a few points with me, led me back to the shampoo bowl and washed me straight up, and led me back to the chair, and began to cut.  About half way thru cutting the back, way way to late in the game for me to pull out now, I got a severe case of cold feet, knees, legs and torso.  I sat there frozen in fear, wondering how long it would take to grow out enough to cut it into something more reasonable.  Hat season doesn't last forever, even in Alaska!

With my heart frozen, and my hope for a good hair style on the floor with all of my hair, she started on the front.  I hate getting hair in my eyes and so I closed them, and thankfully didn't have to watch with fear any longer.  And at one point I just had to see just how horrible it was turning out to be, so I peeped out and was amazed!


It's kinda boy, but still girl enough not to raise eyebrows.  It's just perfect!  I started to grin at my reflection and just couldn't stop!  I grinned the entire time I paid.  Grinned while calling T.H. to come pick me up.  Grinned like a fool all the way to the truck.  And the thought that he wouldn't like my hair, never entered my mind.  But guess what? He loves it!  So double score!

It has been a few days now, and I can't stop touching it, I can't stop looking at me in the mirror..... something I honestly try really hard not to do, me and my reflection have never been friends.  But, it looks like me inside, kinda and right now am happier than I have been in a very long time with my appearance.  The first week of March, I go back to the salon for a color....

My hair has been threaded with gray since I was 23, and have at random times have colored my hair various shades of brown, or auburn.  So, I have new a decision to make, what color? The part of me that wanted facial piercings, wants eggplant colored hair with the tips and the back in black.  However there is a big part of me that is worried about looking like a silly person, who is much to old to wear that kind of colored hair........  So, once again the eternal struggle between what I want, and what I think I should have.

Lately I have lost the ability to talk to T.H. about my gender issues.  Two weeks ago I was talking on the phone, I have always hated my voice with a passion.  Why?  It is very high, I have always said that my voice sounds like Mickey Mouse.  And like a bolt out of the blue, it hit me, I hate my voice because it's not what I sound like inside, I sound much more masculine in my head to me.  Needless to say, I was all kinds of excited and rushed to tell T.H.  And then I saw it, his face just closed up taking my heart with it.  I had passed some sort of no fly zone that I never knew existed, and he didn't want to hear it.

It was everything I could do not to cry, but as I struggled to hold the tears back while I was folding laundry, I felt a part of my newly opened self wither.  I have had a few other revelations, that in hindsight are so obvious as to be glaring, how on earth I never connected the dots before this is beyond me.  But, each and every time I open my mouth to tell T.H. I just can not get the words pass my throat.  And a few times have had to think of something quickly to cover the fact that I was going to say something, but changed my mind.

So, now I find myself in a funny place indeed.  My best friend in the entire world, doesn't want to hear what I need to say.  This is really the first time in our relationship that I can't bring my thoughts and feelings to T.H., and am rather stymied by it.  I need to talk about this.  I have to talk about this.  And no, I have not become a one topic pony.  My conversation still flows over and around many topics each day, business as usual in my daily chatter.  Days will pass where I don't feel the need to talk about being androgyne. Then an idea or a question occurs to me, and there is no one to talk it over with leaving me sad and rather adrift.

I'm hoping that this is only temporary, but something inside me tells me it's not.  That this is the new status quo for the topic of my gender issues.  For now, I will let it sit, maybe it was just moving to fast for him to deal with.  He likes to take his time and mull things over.  Me?  I am more of a quicksilver person making up my mind quickly and am usually happy with the results of my decisions.  So, I am going to give him some time to process this new and still unfolding me, and hope for the best.  How long will I wait until I shake him?  That is hard to say.  His clock is ticking though, the countdown has begun, and one day soon it will run out into the woods of the most dreaded words any couple can hear from their partner, "We need to talk."

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Camera Follies

Well, Monday dawned bright and beautiful, so out we went for a wonderful ride.  We drove to Delta Junction, which is about 202 miles from the Canadian border.  The sunshine was so bright in my eyes, it was just fabulous!  I had only been through Delta before, and only in the dark, so this was a trip to new, and I loved every minute of it.

Delta is a farming community, and I was lucky to see cows.  Yes, yes, I know, but I love cows!  The are the cutest and tastiest animal I know.  We had a nice lunch at a very cute cafe.  My BLT was super, the bacon was some of the best I have had in a long time.  T.H. had a great mushroom burger, tons of mushrooms that were well seasoned and cooked just right.

Delta has wild buffalo (bison) and I had high hopes of seeing at least a few, but sigh, no.  Eastern Alaska traditionally had herds of wood buffalo that died out around 100 years ago, due to changing climate and over hunting.  In 1928 a herd of 23 plains buffalo were brought up and released.  In the 50's due to problems with farmers and the nearby Air Force Base had trouble landing their planes due to buffalo loitering around on the runways a hunt was started to keep the herd to a stable size.  Here is a link if you want to read more about the hunt.

I took my new camera with me and was busy snapping pictures. Especially the pipeline crossing the Tanana River.  It is impressive to say the least!  The towers holding the pipeline up are TALL!  Wanna see?  The entire time I was snapping pictures my camera seemed to be acting weirdly, but not having really used it since getting it at Christmas, I didn't know any better.....

The first thing I did after getting home was to run to my computer and download my pictures from my shiny red camera.  And then the reason my camera seemed to be acting weirdly, it was taking movies....... sigh.  I studied the booklet that came with my camera again.  And knowing me, will have to study it a time or two again before I have all of the buttons and functions all worked out.  But, still.............. my first trip with the camera was a total bust in regards to pictures.

The weather is supposed to stay warm at least through the weekend, so I have high hopes of another trip out of our little city.  Yes, Red Camera will come with me, along with the helpful booklet. Now I am on a quest to take some pictures, not movies....

Sunday, February 7, 2010

You Could Have It So Much Better

A short time ago I came up with an idea to start a new blog.  But, this blog I want to be different from the average one.  What I want with this blog, is to have many different people post things they feel are important or just want to share, and hopefully we can all learn from each other.  It could give us a chance to maybe post things that maybe just doesn't fit in with our usual blog.

So, far the blog is only up to 5 posts, but hope to do much better in the near future.  I have some posts planned.  And just so you understand, this blog is not about me.  It's about ideas and information.  Go check it out and see what you think!

             You Could Have It So Much Better

Today I posted a video story on the new blog.  It is told very movingly and in a very novel way.  He has used pictures to portray the people in his life and puts the conversation under the pictures.  And every bit is true.  It's called My First Love.  It's about a young 14 old boy whose family hates him because he's gay.  His best friend has turned on him, and then a new family moves in, who prove to be a ray of sunshine in his very dark and lonely life.  Go and watch, I think you will be as moved as I am.  And remember as you watch, it's all true....


I'm sick and tired of winter.  The snow is no longer pretty, and it will be unwelcome guest until around the beginning of May.  Yeah, you read that right, May.......sigh.  The temps will rise though up enough for me to be out of the house, by April.  But from here? That is a hell of a long way away.....

I want to runaway and open up my mind......................

To be very truthful here I have been battling depression the last few weeks.  Being cooped up in the house is really starting to get to me.  And to make matters worse, the condo that we live in has a two story ceiling in part of it, so no matter how high up you crank the heater, it's cold downstairs.  So, I am living primarily in our bedroom.  So, not only am I a prisoner of our home, which is bad enough on it's own, I am stuck in an even smaller place.  If the weather is kinda warm, I do layer up and go down and cover up and watch some tv and visit with the family.  But on the whole?  It's just me up here alone, and I am well tired of it.

The next few days are supposed to be warm, and I intend to make the most of those days!  Will be out of the house as much as possible!  Tomorrow of course is the super bowl, Go Saints!!   So, no going any where tomorrow!!  But come Monday??  All bets are off as to being one minute longer in the house than I have to be!  What will I do?? I don't have a clue to be honest!  All I do know is the truth to this equation:
                       biki+out of the house = happy!

So, all I can really do, is to live for the minutes where I can be out of the house.  Storing up each and every minute of sunshine, blue sky that I am not seeing it through the glass of my bedroom window.

Hey, there is nothing to worry about, I am ok, just very sad.  Am fighting the good fight against the dragon of depression, but am well tired of it.  What happens if i loose my battle?  You just won't see me around much, until I can climb up out of my grave of grief.  It has been many years since  that battle was won by the dragon, so no worries, ok?