Ok, so you all know I have a new hairstyle that looks boy, especially from the back. Well the other day, I was on my knees and I felt him loose interest........ and no, that hasn't ever happened before. Later on he off hand mentioned that when he looked down it was like a boy giving him a bj.
yeah...................................... ok
and since then? there has been space between us, there is s cold spot between us. he is snapping at me, not getting as many hugs, and the bed is cold also.
damn
so, i have been wearing make-up again, not that i ever wore it daily to begin with, but the last two days, i have made sure to put it on. wear my most fem tops, that show a lot of chest (uggh!) that i just hate wearing, hoping to remind him that i am indeed at least sexed female.
shit
while trying to put him at ease, i feel stifled. just finding out what/who i really am, and now having to back pedal is super painful. because my fears is this will become status quo... and i will never be able to express who i really am inside. that my boy will have to be crammed away again, just as i was planning to jettison my more fem clothing that i despise this occurs
fuck
fucking hell
to keep him, do i have to keep me hid away again? Oh, fuck i dont wanna do that! finally beginning to feel whole, feeling more alive inside, than i have in many years. and last week, i got the doctor to write me a 'script for testosterone creme. why? cause it makes me feel better, makes me more alert, just happier, many women use it. but i am wondering if this is also part of the problem? does he see this as me wanting to be more boy?? idk idk idk idk!!!!!!!!!!!!!
fucking shit
is this the beginning of the end? we have had our rough patches over the years, but never anything like this, ever! this cold space feels almost empty between us...? so talking about anything real is out for now, i am trying to keep it light and fluffy, something i excel at. but how long can we live on this? idk, and my heart squeezes tighter with the thought. it doesnt take much sometimes to kill a relationship sometimes, and everything feels off kilter, wrong, and it makes me wanna shout
arma-goddam-motherfuckin-geddon
:-( *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteBecause he's known you for so long, don't you think he might see through your "light and fluffy?" If not, then he's also avoiding the subject I think, but idk.
At least the good thing about hair is that it grows out. I hope you'll find a balance between what both of you can tolerate. It's cold enough up there.
Ditto on the first line of Aek's comment!!
ReplyDeleteIf things don't improve very soon, I hope you'll consider some kind of couples' counselling, especially if you can find someone with experience dealing with sexuality issues with couples.
I sooooo hope for you that things get better!!!
I'm sorry to hear that, and am sending South Carolina hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you two can get out of the house, alone, and just talk about what he's feeling and you're feeling, without snapping and getting angry.
If not, I do think counseling would be good. The two of you are going through some very difficult changes and adjustments.