Thursday, November 14, 2013

Dritten, Troisieme, 제

I'm not sure I've mentioned my dream self that is male, he visits my dream-scape irregularly doing the usual things that make up my life, but in male form.  When he first came to visit, it took me a while to realize that this boy was me, and as I grew up so did he.  During the whirl-wind years of child building and the exhaustion caused by raising 4 children, he vanished from my nights.  As time went on and I became less sleep deprived he returned.

Male dream self never does anything that I don't do.  He cooks, he knits, visits with friends, and on several occasions has "enjoyed" the same bout of flu.  There are long stretches where he doesn't appear, and others where he visits at least once a week.  Due to being sleep deprived and over stressed of late due to TH's medical odyssey, dream male hasn't been around for quite a while.   TH by the way is recovering well, he needs a second surgery to get him back to 100% but we just don't have the ability to raise another $15,000, for now he will have to settle with 80%.

A few nights ago he returned, and it has left me unsettled, depressed and grieving, something he sparks now and then, but this..............this was/is............left me heart broken.

He has had sex in our dreams many times, thats nothing new.  Yes, its always with another guy, never a girl, and I seem to be a top.  He hasn't ever received in a dream, and funnily enough, TH once said not long after we married, "You'd rather fuck me than have me fuck you."  I stammered around a while denying it, but its true.

In this dream for the first time that I can remember, and these dreams are vivid and stick with me for days or years for some of them, he was wanking, running his hand up and down his dick.  The feeling of a dick in my hand was unbelievable, as was the feeling of the friction.  Jerking awake I laid there with tears spilling onto my pillow.

I don't hate much, but this fucked up dichotomy of body and soul is one that I'm coming to hate.  True happiness is rare for me, every stupid single day is tinged with grief and sadness.  Honestly?  I'm not sure that transitioning would make me all that much happier.  No matter which way I turn, there is a road block that is unmovable.  I hate the fact that no matter which way I chose to live the rest of my life, something of equal value is lost with the gain.  

As the old saying goes, "neither fish nor fowl", yeah that fits.  I just feel outside of "normal".  Not 100% sure I wanna be living within the realm of normal, but knowing I don't conform within that space is rather off putting.  Choosing to be out of the oval of what is considered "normal, is one thing, but to know that you're non-compliant with the schematics of normal-ville as an unwilling participant is an entirely different matter.

Maybe the term third gender needs to take root inside of me.  "The spirit of a man, in the body of a woman."  That fits me perfectly.  No ragged edges, no maddening gaps, a pure fit.  Now, I just need to internalize this concept, re-writing my personal schematic diagram.  Re-booting my personal description, this may take a while to ingest. 

If you're wondering about the post title?  Tis the word third in German, French and Korean, pronounced as je.