Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Getting social

I've been very lonely this time, the adventure portion of the program has passed, and now tis just daily living.  Volunteering has helped quite a bit, at least it gets me out of the house everyday, and gives me something else to think about, and there are people to chat with, so thats helpful.  However, I wanted someone(s) to be able to go and hang out with, but where to meet people on the quick?  A co-worker told me about meetup.com and how they have groups for everything under the sun.  Sure enough!  There are groups for everything and anything you could think of.  

I signed up for two groups.  One is the movie bears, and my first meeting with them will be this Saturday, and tonight was my first meeting with the books and beer crowd.  This was the inaugural meet up, so that helped quell my nerves a lot.  Knowing that no one knew each other either, made it much easier for me.  It can be hard to break into a long term group, due to the clique factor.

About 24 people showed up, which by anyone's yard stick is a win!  It was a bit slow at the beginning, but then people warmed up and started chatting with each other.  The only down side to the entire night, was that it was so loud in the restaurant, it was quite hard to hear some of the people.  After a while, most of us got up and sat next to a different group of people, yes I did so as well.  Did a really good job of being forward and squashing my usual tendency to be shy.  

Usually, whenever I'm out of my comfort zone, I have to dress as boy as possible.  Often if the occasion calls for me to be full on girl, its a total nightmare emotionally.  Today?  I went as a girl, wore jeans and a black thermal girls henley, not uber girl, but within my comfort zone.  I just decided to man up and be the fuck brave, and go for it.  I did darken my eyebrows a lot, and used the same pencil to do a guy liner look.  And? I went to work like that.  I'm thinking I like looking unusual, after xmas, it just might be time to go look for some clothes for that unconventional look that makes me feel less fractured and more me.
And yeah, I didnt make a fake scar......

We picked the book "Enders Game".  Which is an ok book an all, but really I dont want to give that lgbt hater my money!  So, I'll be checking the book out of the library, dontcha know.  Our next meeting isnt until January, boo!  But at least I have something to look forward to, and there is xmas and new years in there sucking up time from people's schedules.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

The First Week

Last Friday, I had a brief orientation with "Ben" who is in charge of the volunteers for circulation services at the library.  Then after a few times of me following his motions he took off telling me that he'd be back in a few minutes, leaving me alone with the radio tagging machine.  Things went smoothly, and until the end of the year when all the books in the library are tagged, this will be my job 3 days a week.  What needs to be done, is that every book, audio book, cd, dvd needs to be removed from its home on the shelf and checked to see what radio tag already is attached to the material, if its an old one, then the bar code is scanned prompting a green light to blink of the blue gizmo, changing its frequency to that of the bar code of the material.  The tag is pulled off the tape, attached to the inside of the item, and replaced home.  Repeat until library is done!  To most it would sound boring, but for some stupid reason, I adore doing tasks like this.  Happy as a pig in mud.

                                     Here is Mr. Machine in all his glory.

The other two days a week of "work" at the library are less enjoyable.  I work 3 hour shifts in the snack/gift shop ran by the Friends of the Library.  There are 3 full time employees and the rest of the time if filled out with volunteers.  At first the cash register was a total fear factor experience, but with practice the fear is receding.  However......sigh, tis way beyond boring most of the time.  I dusted thoroughly my first day, taking gift items off the shelves and dusting the shelf and the items, then replacing everything nice and neat, straightened up the used books for sale, then loads of nothing to do again.  The next day was even worse, as nothing needed dusting or straightening up, except for ringing stuff up on the register, there was nothing to do.

The ladies I worked with both days are nice an all, but there is a huge drawback, hugs.  No matter what the fresh hells I do, it prompts a hug from them!  Oh! Welcome to work today!  HUG   Great job ringing up that sale! HUG  sigh  I dont mind being hugged, but they are way to touchy feely for me, and just having met them, its way to soon for me to want to be hugged.  Hugs to me are very personal, and an expression of affection, not some social "grease" that most women seem to view hugs.

Its been a while since I worked with an entirely female staff, I forgot all the back biting, the current of frisson running hidden from casual view that occurs.  On the surface tis all smiles and friendliness, only to have a sharp comment leveled at the other woman's back as she leaves.  Eventually, I'll be asked to take sides, an unhappy thought indeed.

Not going to bail on the snack/gift shop as of yet, but if things dont improve in the next few weeks, I'm going to go to the lady in charge of all the volunteers and request to be moved to a new area.  She told all of us at the orientation meeting that it might take a few departments to find a good fit, and it looks like the snack/gift shop might not be mine.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Curry Crazed Me

Curry.....the very name conjures up bowls of spicy seductive delightfulness.  The country of origin doenst matter, all curries are welcome in my bowl.  I'm not alone in my obsession with curry either.  There is a Japanese manga "Addicted to Curry" there is an interesting story line and each volume has at least one curry recipe.  After a few volumes the story line became stale and I stopped reading it, but some of the curry recipes sounded so tasty I wanted to try them.  To do so I need to buy a scale and find some japanese measuring spoons and whatnot as when they translated this manga they didnt translate the recipes, except for the ingredients.  I read this manga online, translated by students learning either english or japanese, and they didnt want to convert the recipes, not that I blame them!

I tend to eat Indian curry out, so far I havent attempted to make it.  Hmm, note to self, get Indian cookbook an attempt their curry!  I make Thai curry at home all the time, however I do use the "cheat" of using the curry jar.  Thai curry is a hurry up dinner for me.

After I got back from my big Twin Cities trip, the hankering for some Japanese curry became to much to deal with.  Back in the days when our Japanese daughter-in-law and son lived with us, she made curry often, but used the curry blocks for the thickening and flavoring.

It was good, and I have access to the blocks here, but for some reason wanted to tackle it from scratch.  Japanese curry is more of a stew than a traditional curry, but mega tasty!  After a visit to my go to japanese food site, and a trip to 3 stores to get everything that I needed the next day was curry day!

Started with sweating 6 large onions, and ended with stirring the roux into the mix, total time?  Hmm, give or take about 4 hours.  I modified the recipe a bit by adding in 2 dried chili pods, as japanese curry is quite mild, heat wise and I wanted a bite to mine.   The next afternoon I came home from the library and was shocked that the house smelled so strongly of curry!  I sure hope my neighbors couldnt smell it!

My freezer is home to 5 containers of curry gold, just there waiting for me to gobble it up!

Monday, December 3, 2012

push push love

The thanksgiving visit with 2nd son and his wife went well.  It was nice not to be hurried and just have time to reconnect.  TH and I had a good visit, it was to short, much much to short, but good.  We talked about some things that has been a sore point with the both of us, and some things were well sorted, others?  Yeah, well there is always tomorrow, yeah?

Looking for something interesting to do on Friday, we all agreed Thursday night to head over to the Minneapolis Art Institute to see the Terra Cotta Warriors!!  I didnt know that China allowed them to tour the world, score!  Great excitement filled the car as we zoomed towards the museum, only to turn the corner 4! blocks away to see the traffic backed up to a complete stop.  We inched our way to the next cross street only to see the the same on that street as well.  Our great idea looked to be the popular go to idea for everyone else in the twin cities!

Our hopes dashed, 2nd son, laughed and said, "I have a great idea what to do, and the best thing is I havent been there either!"  A few minutes later, we parked in front of the Mill City Museum.  If you find yourself in Minneapolis one thing on your list of cool things to do is to see this museum.  The trip up to the top floor area is amazing in that the voices you hear are the people who used to work at the mill.  For decades Minneapolis ground more wheat into flour than any other place on earth.  What closed down the mills was electricity, they no longer needed to power the mills from water.  Now our mills are scattered around the wheat growing areas.   In the late 1990's a fire broke out in the mill and the museum tower is the only original part of the mill that is left.

What views from the observation deck!

2nd son's wife had to get back to university she had more research to do, she left Saturday afternoon,   TH left on Saturday night so he could get some sleep for work Sunday night, it was a day of leave taking.  Sunday 2nd son and I had a great visit until it was time for him to toss me onto my plane that evening.  Once we were alone, the questions began, he was grilling me to see what the truth really is of TH and I living apart.  There is still some residual poison left over from all of DIL's lies she spread, but I think he understands the truth of it now, and no longer thinks that TH and I are calling it quits.

Friday I finally got on the volunteer book at the library!  I work at one area or another every day Monday thru Friday!  I'm excited to finally have something besides knitting and books to take up my time.  oh wait!  books.....ok so I'm not at home alone reading, yeah?  LOL  The funny thing though as I was retagging books in the stacks, I kept finding books that looked interesting....and so I used my phone to snap photos of the books to keep in mind for laters.

Ive joined a few groups.  One is a movie night hosted by the local bears group.  The really cool thing about this group is they take anyone, of any lgbt-ness and str8 people as well.  Each movie night includes some sort of meet and greet, as the purpose is to see a good movie and make friends.  They are having a meeting at 9am the first day The Hobbit is released, and lunch afterward.  So that should be fun.

Also joined a beer and book club, my first meeting is Tuesday night.  This meeting has several pluses going for it.  Distance - 2 miles from my house, Time - 30 minutes after work, I can browse the shops in the area until its time to attend the meeting, and is honestly one block from the library.  Now all I need to do is to find a good title to suggest.  wait..I am back at books again...yeah anyway........

Knitted myself a new hat for the twin cities trip, as I know its cold and windy there.  The pattern name is called Worm as you can plainly see why.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Wagons, ho!

I'm at the airport waiting for my flight to Saint Paul to meet up with TH and 2nd son and his wife. 2nd son has the entire time off, but  his Wife won't arrive until Thursday afternoon. She is a grad student and a TA, she is one busy girl.   

Luckily we don't have any thing planned except eating turkey dinner with some friends of 2nd son. Which is the best way to visit if you ask me. 

Due to their postage stamp sized home, TH and I are bunking at a local hotel. Which is good, less chances of friction due to not having any personal space and time. 

I'm still battling my depression, I'm hoping that this trip to loved ones will snap this cycle.  I took a page from R.J. and bought The Sims 3 game. It really does help with depression. Your mind is to busy to focus on personal issues, it's a ton of fun.  In a odd slightly confused and overworked way. 

See ya in a few days!

Thursday, November 15, 2012


Hey, I didn't mean to scare y'all.  No matter how depressed I get, there will be no suicide attempts, and that is a solid gold promise.  I intend to see this life out, no matter where it leads me, no early out tickets for me.

For some unknown reason however, when I get very depressed all of my old self destructive habits come rushing in at me screaming at me to fall into those deceptively soft arms.  So, an embargo on beer until those shrill voices shut the fuck up and let me be.  Drink was a false mistress that lead me far from shore as a teen, and I still fight the desire to drink when life gets shitty.

What led me to that dark path?  I hesitate to tell you, it sounds so stupid, so mundane, and yet for me holds so much angst and pain. 
                                   Shopping for clothing. 

I don't notice/see/pay attention to my reflection, ever.   When I do look in the mirror it isnt ME that I see.  The mirror however is unavoidable when one is shopping for clothing, and yes, I did need clothes, mine were looking old and worn.  

As for the id10t remark?  Yeah, I am an idiot for being such a gutless person, for being a door mat to others, for not being brave enough to live for myself.    

I fear hurting my beloved TH and boys.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

stupid whiny me

i can't live like this any longer.   people only see a girl, but i'm not. i'm not a girl.

i'm an invisible guy.  an imaginary man.  an illusion in my head.

what i am is          


afraid of losing TH, but he hasnt changed his mind, i change, he's gone gone gone

my sons who i love to death? who the fuck knows for sure what lurks in their dark spaces.

i just want this to all go away, to be whole.

what a fucking id10t i am

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Break Me, Shake Me (Down No more)

As y'all know, I'm not a huge watcher of tv.  Oh, I have my must watch shows, Mythbusters, any and all Project Runways, Futurama's, Bob's Burgers, Robot Chicken, Modern Family, Suburgatory.  However, I have been known to go a week without turning the tv on, especially if I'm in a reading phase and not a knitting phase.  I knit to tv, it keeps me focused on both.  Yes, yes, I do have the attention span at times of a 4 year old, thanks for pointing that out.

A week ago my cable/internet bill came.  Oh my!  $138.00 for both?  How much of that was the tv?  Looking, pulling out phone to add up the list of items.....78$!!!  Holy Hannah on Crack!

This will not do.  Not do at all.

I looked up Netflicks, and Hulu Prime.  Hmm, Hulu has way way way more tv content, AND movies. They were offering a free week trial, ok lets try that!  The next day I woke up feeling like crud...no no dont feel sorry for me, twas my own damned fault, I ate some egg rolls that had chicken in them, and I'm allergic to chicken. Stupid, stupid me.  Sigh... So, it was the perfect day to sit and knit and watch tv.

Does any one remember The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show?  They have it!  Watched an episode of Modern Family I missed this season.  A fantastic movie, "An Ordinary Family".  Tracy Takes on... and many others.  All for the low low price of $7.99!

The only down side to this arrangement is that I  cant figure out how to watch the NFL, but without TH to watch it with me, its just not as fun.

Today, the DVR went for a ride in George and was returned to the cable store.  And now I have an entire 70$ more a month to spend on books!  Yarn!

I've broken the chains binding me to cable, and couldnt be happier!

Friday, November 9, 2012

Of knitting, learning and finding a friend

The knitting conference was interesting, for the most part everyone was respectful of others abilities, of course there had to be a few sour grapes, luckily I only ran into a few of them.  The better teachers kept these knitters in line, held them back and made them wait until everyone had arrived at the end of that step so everyone could begin the new row/technique at the same time.  And really, if you think about it, it does make it easier for the teacher to keep all of the student attempting the same thing together.  No having to muck about to decide where student is, and just what you have done to get things that fouled up.

It really surprised me how exhausting knitting can be!  After a really hard and tricky class, my entire body was worn out, to say nothing of the brain cells.  A lot of it's due, I'm sure to being tensed up for 3 hours, trying hard to winkle out how to do what they are attempting to teach us.  Compounding that was temperature of the class rooms.  While I know I need a higher temperature to function, yes I am a reptile!, everyone was bundled up.  At one point I had on a undershirt, a long sleeved t-shirt, a thin sweater and a thermal top, with a scarf wound around my neck, and my coat over my legs.  I was wishing that I had of brought some of my heavier hoodies and sweaters.

Over the course of 4 days I took 9 classes.  Some of which weren't to hard, it was just learning the basics and then practice practice practice.  Carnegie Hall here I come!  What?? Grandmother always told me no one got to Carnegie without practice!

Every class came with some sort of hand outs.  Some will be carefully placed into sleeves and placed in my knitting binder, others? Yeah, they wont be saved.

What were the coolest thing(s) I learned?  Hmmm.....How about knitting two socks, at the same time, on the same needles, one within the other?  They have been referred to "War and Peace" socks, due to Tolstoy mentioning them.  That was without a doubt AMAZING!  I'm going to be buying some sock yarn and give it a go!  After the whole ribbing on the top half, its not that tricky either, weirdly enough.

Knitting plaid.  Yeah, that is going to take some pre-planning to get it to work our right, but I think that this is something doable.  The trick is, at least I think so, is to decide what colors go in what order, and then going for it.  My learning piece is rather small, but its starting to look like my favorite color, plaid!

Wire knitting.  That was lots of fun, hard on the fingers tugging, tugging, tugging on something that isnt exactly finger friendly.  I can see many christmas gifts using this technique. This isnt what I was supposed to produce, but I liked the bangle idea better.

Putting zips into sweaters.  Second son wants a sweater from me, with a zip naturally, something that I didnt know how to do before this class, and quite honestly was afraid of.  But after a brief explanation, BOOM! it all makes perfect sense.

I sat next to loads if different ladies, enjoyed some very interesting chats, which is nice as knitting is more or less a solitary activity.  One lady from Canada is the sweetest person you could ever think to meet.  We had quite a lot in common, she wanted to exchange email addys, but before we did, I came out to her.  I'm tired of hiding who I am, and if a new friendship is in the making, I want it to be on a truthful footing.  She was very accepting of me, I hope to find a way to meet up with her in person again.  She is a treasure indeed. 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Knit, Knit, Knit.......

Tomorrow I fly out to California for a few days of non-stop knitting.  I've signed up for 9 classes running from intriguing, Knitting with Wire! to the tricky tricky of using Japanese Stitch Dictionaries.

Way, way....WAY back in the day, I was on an extended visit with my maternal Grandmother Rose.  While there are many things we had in common, there were a few that was hard for my grandmother to deal with.
1. loads of energy
2. chatterbox
3. couldnt sit still
4. nonstop talking
5. nonstop asking of questions
6-infinity. I think you get the picture

In an effort to hush me up and make me sit still Grandmother used a number of interesting techniques, some more successful than others.  At long last she hit upon a winning combo, if my mind was fully engaged in learning/mastering something, the movement and chatter ceased, the trick was to make it interesting enough for me to stick to it.  Making bread was one of them.  Shelling peas, those tricky little bastards, rolling over the kitchen floor, gah! I'll get you in the bowl yet!

Then one day, grandmother sat me down and told me she was going to teach me how to knit!


I had no clue as to what she was talking about.  She sat down in her rocker, pulled the wee stool in front of her, patted the top and I began watching her knit.  After a bit, she pulled it all out, it was just like magic how it unraveled.  I was amazed at the stitches unzipping.  She cast a few stitches back onto the needles, handed it to me, and said, "There you go."

 I struggled and fought with those needles!  Grrrr! That stupid yarn!  Now I was, ahem a wee bit on the stubborn side, and refused to give up.  Grandmother had to keep pulling it out and starting me over again, once she had to take the scissors to the wool, it was in such a muddle.

However, I sat still.  Unless things got into an extreme muddle, no words fell from my mouth.  I was addicted to figuring out how to make this "knitting" thing work.  The weekend came, and friday was always cake day.  Due to her uncertain oven, it had wobbly feet, and my tendency to jump, hop and leap about, once the cake hit the oven I was banished to the yard.  Usually I ran around the yard yelling like banshees were out and about with intent to kill.  Not this friday, my knitting came with me to the picnic table under the apple tree.  I sat cross legged on the table and fought with the yarn and needles.

Papa came home from the train yard, and came over to see if I was ok.  "Are you ok baby girl?  You're awful quiet there."
"Yeah Papa, I'm working on this knitting."

When grandmother passed away, she had only taught me the knit stitch.  My Uncle Choo-Choo taught me the purl stitch, and my struggle with the needles and yarn continued.  High school arrived and I forgot all about knitting, other things had filled my view, like BOYS and SEX!

Then I moved to Alaska, and there was nothing to do.  No tv to watch, a library that had a very limited selection, I began to slowly go crazy.  Until an older lady in the town told me I needed a hobby or I would go bat shit nuts in the long dark months of winter.  I began to knit again, not always very successfully, but happily none the less.

My skills remained that of a beginner, until I found the most marvelous place to find knitting videos, youtube.  And my skills improved like greased lightening, as did my love  of knitting.  I cant wait to get there and get knitting.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your needles!  And their...........off!

that is all, breckenridge.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

leaping hearts

After talking to TH this morning while he was on his way home from work, I sat down to answer a few emails.  Sitting there typing away, I heard the air conditioner next door kick on, and for a brief shining moment......................................I thought it was the garage door opening up and my heart leaped up!

TH is home!!!  
                         TH is HOME!!!
                                                     TH IS HOME!!!!

only to then remember where the fuck i am.

damn do i miss him


Friday, October 26, 2012

George, Knitting and the Art of Volunteering

Sorry about neglecting to mention George's pedigree in my last post. George is a Chevy Sonic 2012, 5 speed manual, and totally without a shred of posh. Hand crank windows, no bluetooth abilities, manual seats. From my description it sounds as if I dont love George, oh but I do! Sure who wouldnt want leather seats, bluetooth, etc? But George fit well within our budget and he's fun as hellz to drive.

This summer was so full of TH's health drama, the endless packing and moving that my knitting needles grew dusty and lonely. After a week here, I dug out my needles and an am again knitting. A co-worker of TH's has 5, count em 5! adopted children between the ages of 3 and 9, all of them are relatives children they had to give up due to many family issues. For a xmas gift I'm knitting them all hats and scarves, a useful gift for Alaskan families. If I dont run out of time, elephants and kitties and bunnies will be sent along as well.

In just a few days, I head out to San Mateo to a knitting lab for 4 fantastical wonderful days of non-stop knitting....so damned happy. I have signed up for 9 classes: knitting with wire, to learning how to sew a zipper into a knitted item, using Japanese stitch dictionaries, etc. The zipper one, came with homework that I promptly forgot the moment I finalized my class list wayyy back in May. I was supposed to have a project ready to put the zipper into. Well, when I read that two nights ago I totally freaked! Then I calmed down and decided to do the second option, of bringing knitted swatches to sew a zip into, a totally doable option. I will still learn how to install a zip, so its all good.

Today I have an orientation for volunteers at main branch of the library, about 4 miles away. The list of options for volunteering are wide and exciting, I'm excited to get back into a library again, I miss my job at the community library in Hell Town. When i get back from my knitting binge, I have a meeting set up for the outreach program for street kids, my role is tutoring them on the non-math portion of the GED. Their main objective is to find a way to get these kids off the street permanently. These kids can come in and take showers, wash their clothing, have a hot meal, and have the use of one rough tote to place in a locked closet to keep their belongs safe. They work with them to get a GED if they ran before graduation, and then to get them into a training program, that leads to a job.

Also after the hours for these two volunteer are nailed down, I'm also thinking of volunteering for to work under a guardian ad litum, who is a court appointed lawyer who looks after the children's interest, not the parents, but helps the court decide what the kids truly want and need. The position is visiting the kids on my list several times a month to check up on them, and see how they are doing in their foster homes, at school, etc. These are all children who have been removed from their parents homes for various reasons. I wont have to appear in court, or do paperwork, but check in with the GAL after each visitation.

I need something to do, to help with the loneliness, and I think the best way to fill up ones time besides hobbies to help our fellow travelers.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Super Sonic George

When I was a wee sprout, I lived for Saturdays.  Why?  Because of all the wonderful, fabulous, fantastic cartoons, I watched them all.  Some were more beloved than others, but without a doubt my all time favorite was Looney Tunes.  I'm not really sure what it is about the catalog of Looney Tunes characters that attracted me quite so strongly.  

Getting up early, running down the stairs, sitting on the carpet close in to the tv, not really moving around much until they were over again for the week.  As I grew up, Saturday cartoons never really left my routine, I was still watching them in high school....ok, ok, yes, I still watch and adore cartoons, animated movies, and anime.  I own more animated movies than live action ones.

I snapped a few pics of my new car and was working on the first text to the offspring, when I added this to the text, "I will pet him, and squeeze him, and hug him. And call him George."  The boys all thought it was hysterical, and just like that! my new car was christened George.  

Say Hi George!

If you adore Looney Tunes as much as I do, enjoy this trip down memory lane.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Carpet Capers

Ok, the last time you heard from me I was furious about being jerked around for 4 days.  I arrived at the office primed and ready for a fight to get my deposit funds back.  Umm, this will be easier with some names, so today's office worker will be called, Jemma.  Jemma was still getting the office open when I arrived.  Jemma unlocked the door and let me in, my anger must have shown on my face, because she said, "the office manager is gone, lets see what we can do, ok?"  Pulling the anger right on out of me, I don't honestly hold a mad well or long.  She fired up the computer, and took a look at what was going on and came out with, "I dont know why Angela wont let you do the paper version of the lease, but she's not here now, and thats what I am going to do."  She pulled a file from the computer, had me tell her TH's web addy and fired off the packet.

When TH got up I had him print the lease off and fax it back before the apartment office closed.  It put a real crimp on his "morning" but he ran right off to our bank so they could fax it for him.  The lease arrived in the fax machine before the close of their day, and then it was my time to sign!  TA-DAH!  I was now the proud owner of a place to live.!!   I quickly called the movers and scheduled for my furniture to be shifted from the storage unit to the apartment the next morning.

Why was I so vested in this apartment complex?  Its in a super convenient location, right in the middle of my target area, its a great price, and felt homey when I did the original walk thru.  Alaskan's are a light deprived people, the last trip here I chose a south facing apartment, "oh!  the light just floods in here!"  Stupidly forgetting that the sun in Arizona carries one wee thing....HEAT!  And due to my lack of melanin I burn way way before I tan, so the balcony could only be used in short spurts, I do so hate getting burnt.  This balcony however, faces north!  w00t!  Meaning that anytime I wish to sit out and enjoy the day, I can without fear of burning.  There is also this wonderful turtle and koi pond right outside my balcony.  Wanna see?

Sweet yeah?

Monday, October 15, 2012


Greetings from the anger zone,

Just so your forewarned, this is nothing but a fist shaking, foot stomping rant. M'kay?

So Wednesday I found an apartment that I liked. The people at the office wanted me to do an online application. No, I don't know why not a paper one. So, I started out following their directions, which led me to a dead end. Repeat this step 3 times. Until one of the office ladies told me to just do TH's online, do mine on paper and she would merge em later. The pay stubs I carried with, turned out to not be the last two. Called TH, he had no idea what he had done with em, they are STILL missing. So, I had to wait to finish the paperwork until he could get HR to send me the info.  By the time TH got to work, HR was closed for the day.  Thursday he goes and stands inline at HR for 20 minutes before it was his turn. This is at 8am. For what ever fucking reason, they can't/won't get the info locally, it has to come from the main office, in Reno.  HR Alaska didn't send the email until 3pm, after HR in Reno was shut for the day!  W.T.F?  And, to make matters worse?  The Reno HR dept is closed on Friday!!!!!!  

So, what I had to do, is print off three months of bank statements. Which didn't make me the least bit happy.   But they ok'd the application, and told me they would send the link to TH so he could sign it electronically.  Except the fucking link didn't work, at all. I went to the apartment office, and sat with 3 different workers for 4 hours, each of them trying something different, and failing each time!  And guess what?  Yeah, they never got it to work. So they emailed the paperwork for TH to fill out, and fax back. Turns out the paperwork they emailed him was the fucking application!!!!  GAH!

Tomorrow, I'm going in, getting my deposit back, and going to find a new place. This is beyond stupid. It might be a nice place to live, but this is beyond the pale for a business. 

Sent from my iPhone

Monday, October 8, 2012

Breaking Camp

This year I'm breaking camp early and heading outside to Arizona tonight.  The kicker is that I'll be going alone, which is kinda a big deal.  Im cool with getting an apartment alone, thats easy.  Ive gotten a few quotes from moving companies to shift my stuff from the storage unit to the new place.  What is freaking me quite a bit, is having to purchase a car alone.  That is something I've never done before, new day, new task I suppose.

I know what I want, but am having issues finding one loaded as I wish.  The Chevy Sonic turbo is one hot little car.  After being seriously under engined with my wee Aveo, this time I wanted something that could keep up with the hyper speedy traffic in Phoenix, and this car has loads of horses under its hood.  TH fits in it well, I can see out, which isnt the easiest thing to find in one car.  Either I can see well, or he's comfortable, but rarely is it both.  There is 12 inches diff in our heights, which makes finding cars, sofas, chairs etc, a task that is tricky. 

Last time I was there, I spent a lot of time learning to drive again in heavy traffic.  Figured out how to live without TH or the boys.  By the time my time ran out I was being brave and going around and doing quite a bit.  What was hard to deal with was a nearly total lack of company.  This time I plan to work on making some friends.  If you dont work or attend church, its quite hard to make friends.  I had people I could chat with, but no one to go and do stuff with.  Even though I'm not a joiner, I'm thinking of joining a few groups, as I figure that would be the best way to make some friends.  Or at the least give me a few nights where I have company. 

My choices are a bowling league, and a movie club.  Giving serious thoughts to joining a gay bowling league and movie club.  Why?  Well, the deal is that I dont have much in the common with women, and after a while they all seem to pick up the fact that there is something "different" about me, and after a period of them acting odd around me, they dump me.  What I'm wondering now, is if they perceive the difference as me being a lesbian, and it makes them uncomfortable.  Its tricky being friends with a female shell with straight guys, as they think I want more than just being friends.  So, am going to call the guys in charge of both groups and ask if they would allow a no hormone, no op transmen.  The worst they can say is no.  If it does come down on the side of a no from them, I'll keep looking. 

Total time there will be 8 months, broken up with several trips.  In November a trip to Cali for 4 days of non-stop knitting,  to St. Paul to meet up with TH and 2nd son and his wife for Turkey Day.  Then up to Alaska for a week for Christmas.  April will see TH and I in Antigua watching youngest son marry his long, long time girl friend.  They met when youngest was a senior in HS, and he just turned 25 this year.

Ok still loads to pack... see ya on the other side!

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Where's Biki?

Its been a fucking horrid 23 days. 

TH's racist nazi father came to stay for the longest 16 days of our lives.  This man abused his sons and claimed it made "men" out of them.  This monster wrapped 6 year old TH into a blanket so tight he couldnt move his arms or legs and then would sit on his chest until he passed out.  Another favorite trick was to hold his shirt front and slap his face until he cried, then beat him for being a sissy.....This continued until TH was around 14 or so, and was then bigger than his father, the last time his father hit him TH grabbed his arm and told him, "you hit me again, and you're dead old man."  TH has a beast living within him, placed there by his sperm donor, and when he is enraged you see pure animal blood lust.  Even as clueless and stupid as his sperm donor is, he saw it, and backed down, like any true bully, and he HATES that his 14 year old son caused him to turn tail.

If you are wondering where TH's mom was during the abuse?  She was yelling at sperm donor that if he laid a hand on her, she was out of there......................yeah

So, what was this waste of air doing in our house?  TH's mom has passed and donor is not able to care for himself, and TH's eldest brother is taking care of him, doling out his meds and paying his bills.  Nazi donor was up to visit Alaska and to fish, and more importantly giving eldest brother a much needed vacation.  As he bounced from one family member to another, the summer ticked away.  We were supposed to only have him for a total of 4 days, but it ballooned to most of August and the first bit of September. 

As you can well guess the tension became tighter and tighter within TH.  Things finally came to a head and there was finally a moment that TH allowed his anger to spew out at his sperm donor, and yelling began. 
"I made a man out of you!"
"No! You taught me to hate you."
"Well, at least thats out in the open now.  I've always hated you too."

He left 3 days later.  But the damage was done, and TH was/is overwhelmed and very unhappy.  Kids from abusive homes always wait for an apology, and rarely if ever get one.  The odd thing is that the last time I spoke to my female parent, our script was more or less identical to TH's.  Except I was saved from being a sniveling sissy by her abuse.

All of the stress, the having to deal on a day to day basis with someone I no holds bar hate due to his treatment of the child TH, took a toll on my health, which hasnt recovered.

This weekend we get a call from our youngest, "Mom, I have a big favor to ask you. Could you watch my girl friends sister's daughters for awhile?"  Which I found odd to say the least, I havent ever seen the youngest one, they are 4 and 7, the cutest two wee girls.  "Ok, sure why?"  "Their dad died this morning in a car accident on the way home from work.................  He fell asleep at the wheel, crossed into oncoming traffic, wasnt wearing his seat belt and died." 

I hope October is a much better month

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Nationalized Hate, Face of the New GOP

The crap that has been spewing from the pie holes of the republicans this last year has reached a crescendo of ridiculousness that is nearly unbelievable.  If the inane ideas the republicans hold were written down in a novel, every book reviewer would bash the book as being over the top, unbelievable, unless it was supposed to be a sci-fi novel about an alternate time line where our country became a theocracy under religious law.

Paul Ryan standing in public, on national tv, claiming that our rights aren't from the government but from God?  WTF?  God isn't mentioned once in any of our documents, a creator is, but s/he isn't named as God.  Our country was founded on the very idea that we were free to worship as we like, all creeds are all deemed equal under the eyes of law. 

A tyrant must put on the appearance of uncommon devotion to religion. Subjects are less apprehensive of illegal treatment from a ruler whom they consider god-fearing and pious. On the other hand, they do less easily move against him, believing that he has the gods on his side. Aristotle

Who does that sound like? Yup, you got it in one, the republicans.  They have been killing the rights of women left and right the last few years.  Constricting access to abortion to the pin point of our brave women soldiers must now use their own funds to obtain an abortion due to the law that no federal funds may be spent on "supplying" abortions.  Claiming that individuals personal views were more important than the law, allowing pharmacists the right not to dispense birth control of any form.  Now in Arizona a woman is going to be pregnant 2 entire weeks before conception...yeah, i don't know how that works either.

Brian Brown spewing that crap about the two halves of society coming together to form a greater good in marriage is utter and complete shit.  Anyone who stayed awake in history class in high school knows just how much of a lie that is.  For most of recorded history marriage for women was about being an owned heir making machine, not love.  Women had no civil rights, could own nothing, could claim nothing, their children weren't even considered theirs, but their husbands.  As late as the 1970's a woman had to bring a male relative with her to open a bank account in France.  Women in America couldn't open a trading account on their own until the 1970's.

Woman's rights has been colored just as negatively by the Bible as for LGBT folk are.  The haters of women take to heart this verse,
 First Corinthians 7: "It is good, he says, for a man not to touch a woman. If it is good not to touch a woman, it is bad to touch one: for there is no opposite to goodness but badness. But if it be bad and the evil is pardoned, the reason for the concession is to prevent worse evil."

Throughout the ages women have been locked away from society to ensure the offspring were indeed their husbands.  Ancient Greek and Chinese women left their homes twice, once to travel from their childhood homes to their husbands homes, and the second time to be buried.  And while these women were entombed in their homes, men were out and about sticking their dick into any orifice they wished, this behavior was condoned by society, the penalty for a woman's infidelity was death.  Women are still paying with their lives in Muslim countries for infidelity, even a hint of impropriety can lead to death by stoning, death by fire, disfigured by acid. etc.  

Within the last few years, the tea party republicans have attempted to restrict, reduce or eliminate programs that help the poor, Medicaid, Aid to Families with Dependent Children, Pell Grants, and of course the beleaguered Planned Parenthood.  To my way of thinking, reducing the amount of aid to our poorest, our neediest, our most deserving of help is nothing but thinly coated racism.  I know you all remember NOM's attempt to cause a rift between LBGT and Blacks and Latinos last summer.  While NOM tries so very hard to claim not to be a hate group, they dont hate LGBT at all! they only want to keep us from marriage, seeing as how marriage is only a religious institution, oh and adoption, and equal treatment in the workplace, and in the military, basically we should all go crawl into a hole and disappear.

If liberty and equality, as is thought by some, are chiefly to be found in democracy, they will be best attained when all persons alike share in the government to the utmost.  Aristotle

By depriving some Americans their civil right to marry, to work, to worship freely, to have children, they are depriving all of us, by taking us down to the lowest common denominator.  Every civil right sliced from certain segments of our society, sets a legal precedence for the allowance of civil rights removal.  As fast as the LGBT legal groups file law suits in courts across our land, the right is busy dismantling laws protecting all of us from multiple forms of discrimination.  These dismantled laws could have dire consequences for those outside the target zone, oh wait, no they know they are allowing wide scale discrimination.

 The GOP has codified their racism and misogyny into the state planks, and now are adopting it for the national party.  At this junction the only way I can see this party swinging into a semblance of rationality is for them to lose in overwhelming large numbers at the voting booth.  And at this time, I'm not really sure that will occur.  I hope it will, I want it to, but hold out little hope that it will.


Monday, August 27, 2012

Book Monday

Drake Braxton

This book grabbed me from the first page.  Blain and Manny are headed to Blain's 20th High School Reunion, along for the ride was the baggage of Blain's infidelity, which happened 2 years prior, but Manny just wouldn't let go of the hurt and anger.  Once they arrived at the hotel however, Manny calmed down, took a nap and woke up happy and ready to party.  Like many couples do at parties, after circulating together they wandered apart but still keeping an eye on each other.  Many times Blain would look up to see Manny looking at him, often with anger if Blain was talking to a handsome man.  At one point Blain looked up and realized it had been quite a while since he had seen Manny.  A quick scan of the reunion, no Manny.  Thinking Manny might have become tired of talking to people he didnt know, Blain headed up to their hotel room, no Manny.  At this point, Blain became frantic running around the room, asking the few people left if they had seen Manny, no.  Pulling his cell phone from his pocket, he called Manny, only to hear his ring tone.....following the sound to a potted plant by the door. 

And so begins this twisting, turning tale of infidelity, love, best friends and discovering one's true self.  This is Mr. Braxton's first novel but this is no freshman effort, it is a well polished book.  The characters all ring true, the conversation is spot on, and you experience Blain's despair at Manny's disappearance.  There are no easy answers in this book, everything that is learned is a hard won truth, earned through sweat, tears and way to much alcohol to numb the pain of reality.

Available only digitally from both Barns and Noble, and Amazon. $6.99

Monday, August 13, 2012

beneath my skin, the cut that never heals

I belong to several different trans sites, but my favorite one is the genderqeer user group from Yahoo.  Why?  Well, I dont really fit well within the transsexual world, even tho that IS what I am.  If I could, if I had no ties, if I knew I could keep the boy's love, and if TH could accept me as a man,  I would transition in a heart beat.  But that won't happen, I think TH has "evolved" as far as he's going to, and while it's not the best fitting way of life for me, and living this way has always caused me problems with depression, it is the life I chose to live.  But due to my dogged determination not to transition, I am not understood well within the transsexual world.

Within transsexual world, there is one and only one Holy Grail, to transition and "pass" 100% of the time, without any doubt in the other person's eye as they name you ma'am or sir.  I get that, and totally understand the desire, and need to "pass" perfectly, especially since the religious right, and Faux News has whipped up the believers into a frenzy of hate of all things LGBT.   Passing well could mean the difference of walking safely down the street at night, and being beaten or even killed.  As dangerous as it is to be gay, transwomen are murdered at a far far higher rate than gays are, when you figure in the vast difference in the percentage of transwomen to gays.  For the most part, transmen have it much easier, if people notice something "off" about them, the first thing that pops into their minds, is gay, not the fact that once upon a time they used to live in a woman's body.

The genderqueer group is one of people that dont really fit in anywhere.  We are a group of people on the way from one sex to another, gender firmly attached to the coming body.  Also counted are people whose gender is fluid, and so they dress their meat suit to fit the gender of the day.  Some of the younger people want to be androgynous, they dont want to reflect one sex more than another.  I know a few gay teens who are growing breasts, they feel that being some of both is the best fit for them.  This is a very, very loose community, so dilute that it really doesnt constitute as a community, only a small bolt hole, a touchstone really to make sure your not the only one who fits no mold, that you are not alone.

I've always felt like an outsider, a foreigner in a strange land, unsure of the rules of behavior.  My life has been full of facets that would cause me to feel untethered to my world.  Abuse and abandonment by my female parent.  Partial deafness as a child, which thankfully cleared up, an extreme allergy to calcium was the culprit.  Being the only kid without a dad, whose female parent was divorced, and who lived with a succession of men, and she beat them all, like she beat me. 

Add on the boy in a girl suit, and it's no wonder why I had/have problems fitting in.  Recently, I've been looking back on some of the more chaotic times from my childhood, and only now are some of them making more sense.  I only ever asked for trucks, race tracks, cars and erector sets for gift giving times.  What I got was an endless line of dolls, barbies, and any thing pink, frilly and uber girlish. 

Junior high arrived with an extremely unwelcome body modification, breasts.  Summer came around, and with it swim season, my normal pick for an acceptable suit was always a one piece, blue or anything in a darker color.  But this summer for a reason then I didnt understand, my female parent forced me, beat me into wearing a bikini.  I was mortified on many levels, that these horrid lumps could be seen by anyone, and that so much of me was visible making me feel naked in a way I hadn't ever felt before.  As if I could been seen, but not.  My flesh was on display, but somehow that flesh wasnt actually me.  Thinking back on that time period, she forced me into much more feminine clothing, allowed me to pierce my ears, something she had sworn I would never be allowed to do.  And then made me wear dangling earrings, not the wee studs I preferred. I think she was trying to make a "girl" out of me, because I did not act the least bit girly.  My favorite things to do was climb trees, play in the mud, play smear football, play dodge "ball" with cow pies, catch bugs, and ride my bike like a maniac.

This was the time when I really began to disconnect "me" from my body, and that I began a cycle of depression, and engaging in increasingly extremely risky behaviors, drugs, drinking, and sex with complete strangers, not teens, but adult men, 30 and 40 year old men. The year I spent drunk, not enough for others to really notice, but enough to take the edge off, to allow me to breathe, to allow me to find silence in a whirlwind of despair and confusion.  Because some time after puberty arrived, I sunk my "boyness" and just lived in a vague world of being me.  I never used gender as a descriptive word for myself.  Never thought of myself as a girl, lady, woman, and cringed inside when forced to do so.  Hating checking the box for female, hated having to line up with the girls, I had buried the why of my discomfort with being labeled female, even though the pain of having to do so, never went away.

I still dont look at all of me in a mirror, only bits and pieces of me get the once over.  My hair, my pants, is this shirt to wrinkly to leave the house....  Rarely ever do I look at me fully, totally and completely, and when I do so, it is always with a small momentary shock at what I'm seeing, what my body is - female.  I have become so adept at divorcing myself my my meat suit that looking in a mirror to try on new clothing is a challenge, I see a female looking back from the mirror, and seeing me as a female, seeing me in female clothing is a shock.  I quickly rip off the offending clothing, as if its that poor shirt/pants fault that the mirror is reflecting my actual flesh, not my imagined me. 

What the world sees, a female, and who I actually am, a guy, leaves me at some points oddly disconnected and at the same time, at war with myself.  I want to be whole.  I want to be a complete person, to match the inner and the outer.  How can I become whole, when it would mean losing most of whats important to me?  Why can so many other trans people just damn the torpedoes and straight on until morning, leaving their past life in ruins, in many ways not caring about the breaking of ties, but yet I cant?  Am I that weak?  I'm at war with my body and my gender, with societies view of who I am, and who I actually am, and seemly unable to shift myself into action.  I fear losing TH, that heart episode really showed me just how much I adore him, the thought of losing him is greater than my fear of roller coasters.  I fear losing our sons love and affection, of being cast out of their lives forever.  So, in light of not seeing any clear path to a way to transition and keep my loved ones close, I stay dogged in my determination not to, living a life of being at constant war within, with no peace in my life.

Monday, August 6, 2012

An Odd Voyeuristic Crush

A few years ago, I was headed home, when a hot convertible zoomed up behind me, and smooth as silk, slipped into the next lane and like a ghost, was gone in moments.  The encounter only lasted sexonds....err seconds, but my lust was awakened for this car.  At the last moment, I noticed his personalized license plates, for the rest of the way home, I wrestled with what those letters meant.  And then it came to me,  fe man = iron man.  But why I wondered iron man?

A few days later, I got my question answered, he was BUILT.  And hot as hellz.  He oozed sex appeal, and thus began my fascination with this car/man combo.  Needless to say, this car doesnt see the light of day during the winter, so the season for iron man spotting is short lived.  When ever I see the car, see the guy within it really does lift my spirits, and my libido stands to attention and begs.

Today, I had an encounter with Mr. Iron Man.  And while the car is the same, the license plates are the same, the guy within wasnt!  This was a much younger man, he drove the car as well as "my" guy.  So now my fascination is at a fever pitch.  Who was driving his car?  Dance music was pumping from the speakers, mystery man was at least 15 years younger, and cute.  Is Mr. Iron Man gay and is this his boyfriend?  I've never seen Mr. FE with a woman, only various guys......

See what I mean? I'm completely obsessed by this car and the guy who owns it.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

the invisible man

so yeah, i've most deff been an invisible man of late.  no reading or commenting on posts, i havent really been online in a long while now.  why?  well.....i think TH and i were both suffering from stress backlash.  both of us has been worn out, and ive been flirting with severe depression, but i think that ive beaten it back.

  so this is what we have been up to of late.

we got all the damned paperwork signed and received the keys on the 11th.  off we go to youngest's garage to get everything that i could help move.  everything that gets into the truck and my car smoothly slides into the house........except for the sofa.  yeah.  we get it off the truck, thru the garage, into the laundry room, only to get it stuck in the doorway into the house.  think.......think.......think....
ok back it up, take legs off........fuck that didnt help at all! think...think....think........we ended up carrying that damnable sofa all the way around the back, thru the garden and into the house.  my arms are ever so much longer now.

while we are moving in, every single time TH stops for a moment, or looks kinda funny, i get worried.  we put our bed together, i hooked up the tv and dvd player, and when i went out to get something to eat, picked up a few videos.  i was determined that TH was not going to exhaust himself if i could help it.

we finally got our direct tv hooked up 4 days ago, our internet about 6.  and while i can check my emails on my phone, reading blogs is a royal pain, so thats why ive fallen so far behind.

i told TH the other day, i'm fully moved in except for the art work.  he looked around at all the stuff that isnt here, and gave me the "explain please" eyebrow.  after explaining to him why i feel fully moved in, he laughed, gave me a hug and agreed that yeah for me, i am moved in.

my knitting and tech are all here

dishes are all snug in their cabinet thinking, "ready for work captain!"

spices back in a comfy drawer awaiting their orders.  note to self, purchase more 5 spice powder

and the books are out of their boxes ready for eager eyes to caress their pages again

while i was gone from blogworld, these things were going on in our world,

third son's first year anniversary

our anniversary

youngest's gf had a b'day
                                  he asked her to marry him, she said yes

my b'day

hopefully dear bloggers, i wont be the invisible man from now on

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Yippee! We got one!

We found a place yesterday and moved in today. Sooo happy happy happy! So tired I'm silly with it.

Having a home again is beyond wonderful.

Off to dreamland, see y'all soon.

Sent from my iPhone

Friday, July 6, 2012

Wiring, mold and hotels

Last Friday, after a solid 3 days of packing, cleaning yet somehow with acres left to do, TH and I were flat out exhausted. We realized we had been working since 6:30 am, and was around 3-ish breakfast was long gone. Our favorite Thai restaurant is 1/2 mile away, and TH ran over to pick up some take out. I was upstairs when he returned and hollered up, "come down, we have a problem". His voiced sounded off, and thinking something had happened to one of the boys or a friend I darted downstairs. It wasn't the boys, nor a friend, but TH that had the problem. His family has faulty wiring in their hearts and many things can bring on an episode of afib, caffeine, exhaustion, stress, etc. Well TH had several of his triggers in spades, and his heart was thumping and fluttering and racing like crazy. I loaded him into the car and took off for the hospital. He managed to walk into the hospital under his own steam but collapsed onto a bench just inside the door. They gave him i.v. meds, to no avail, which left only two options, go on blood thinners and hope his heart converts to normalcy, or shock it into working correctly, he chose the shock method. It worked, only took one dose of electricity to make his heart behave. Completely worn out by the ordeal at the hospital, we headed back to the hotel room, where I couldn't stop hovering, it felt to me like he'd had a close look at death, and I didn't trust that he was actually ok.

The next morning I had no choice but to leave him alone in the hotel and head back to the house, we needed to be finished up that day. I worked like crazy and worried about TH the entire time. I had the house mostly done, but the garage was still a disaster zone. Calling it quits around 8, I headed back to the hotel. TH had called me while I was gone often enough that I knew he was ok-ish. While I was gone he'd called our landlords and explained what had happened and why we weren't yet moved out. Luckily they were feeling kindly, and gave us until the 4th. Sunday the two youngest boys and their wives came and helped get things finished up. They cleaned the garage out and toted stuff for me. Monday after work they showed up to help us move into the new place.

The nice cabin in the woods, turned out to be infested with mold. We woke up totally sick the next morning. Both of us had tight chests, trouble breathing, while i also had a swollen face and body. I was terrified that it might trigger TH's heart again while we tried to decide what to do. After talking to the landlord, who it turns out knew the place was moldy. How had we missed it when we viewed it before accepting it? They had a cat and a dog, and where horrible housekeepers. The loft railing was thick with animal hair and dust, so the tight chest feeling and itchy faces we thought were caused by that.

They are letting us out of our lease, and giving our money back, so that's a good thing. However....... We have viewed 10 places in the past few days, all moldy. We are getting desperate, we have savings, but hotels here are crazy pricy, and it's tourist season, so rooms are in short supply and the prices are higher this time of the year. We got a good lead from a lady on the street today about a realtor who deals with loads of rental properties, hopefully we can find something soon. The youngest two are going to help TH empty the cabin of our belongings tomorrow, and youngest son is letting us store this stuff in his garage.

We are stressed to the frayed ends worried about finding a new home. Housing is always in short supply in Alaska, and finding half way decent housing is in even shorter supply.

Sent from my iPad

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Found in a long packed box

This is 2nd sons duckie that I made for his 3rd b'day. I found it today stuffed in a box containing an odd assortment of items. On a whim I texted a pic of duckie to 2nd son, knock me over with a dust mote, he wants it!

That is the only good thing about packing and moving is finding bits and bobs that bring the past rushing forward in a technicolor blast. Heart warmed, we carry on.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Everything is tickety boo!

We signed the lease on Friday, and the landlords are allowing us to put up a direct tv pole!!! Whoo-de-dooo!! This means TV!! And more importantly???

!!! INTERNET !!!

Life is tickety boo!

Yeah, I'm still packing and some how still unearthing books. I'm beginning to think that I've got a problem with the written word, maybe I should find a 12 step program?

Hello, My name is Biki and I'm addicted to reading.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


In odd closets, under random items, I keep unearthing more books.  Some how these ended up in the linen closet...yeah I have no idea how that happened.  I just finished packing what I hope is the last two boxes of books. 

Our house is a disaster zone, and its driving me nutz, crazy and around the bend.  We have boxes stacked here and there, our table is covered in odd items we are unsure of if they need to be tossed or kept.  The kitchen is down to one large bowl, and the bare essentials of daily cookery.  Our pantry is nearly empty, except for the odd things one uses only now and then. 

We are dividing up our items into things we need on a daily basis, things we want to keep and are going to store, and the stuff we are donating or tossing.  Our new place is about 1/2 the square footage of our current abode.  To keep straight which is moving with us and which is going to be stored, future stored items are being packed, and the stuff that is making the move is laying around in untidy heaps and piles as I rush to empty drawers and closets. 

Friday the boys are coming over to move out all of our furniture that is going to be stored until TH retires.  At that point the cleaning can begin, joy joy joy.

The really horrible, gnarly, hate to even think about it job will be the GARAGE OF DOOM.  All winter long I was after TH to clean out the garage and start to box stuff up.  He didnt clean or pack a single item in the entire garage.  Each summer I clean it out, how on earth is is always such a muddled up mess?

I just want this move to be over, ya know?

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

We Got One!!!

After scouring Craiglist day after day after day, emailing people, who never bothered to email me back, I have no idea what thats about, we finally found a place.  Actually we found two we really liked.

One was on the top floor of a 4 plex apartment.  Mega super clean, new kitchen appliances, new washer and drying being installed while we were there, and they were top of the line too! The rent was reasonable, they paid for fuel, wow!  However, it had one drawback, it was a 3 bedroom and that's just too large for two people, well really one since I'll be headed back to Arizona after the winter curtain drops.

And then we saw the second property.  Its out in the woods, a log cabin and is totally quiet, and TH fell in love.  As you can see, yup thats an actual pic of the place, its in a forest and as long as the trees dont revolt, its all good! 

The list of things we need to have was important but small.  It had to have running water, this place does, its delivered, monthly so we shall have to be careful not to run out between their deliveries. 

It has a washer and dryer.  w00t!!!

Our cell phones work.  Yeah we looked at a place that had no service, and as soon as we found that out, we werent interested.

I need to have the internet, and we do, not DSL however...quietly weeping.....

There are a few drawbacks with the place.  There is no cable service in the area, and no local tv service either!  And the funny thing is we are only about 12 minutes from town, but its quite hilly without a repeater tower in the area.

Its very very tiny.  As in only our tv and stand, {what? I can still rent videos and play the ones I have!} our sofa, a tall skinny dresser,  a hutch sideboardy thing that will increase the amount of storage in the kitchen, and our bed is making the move, the rest will all have to be stored.  I need to buy a tiny dining table for two, and a smaller computer desk, I think they will both wedge in.  

But even with all the drawbacks, TH loves the place and couldnt be happier. 

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Proportional Envy-free Allocation Protocol

Once again ENDA is being discussed in the Senate, well its about damned time!  However, the good news of this is tempered, at least for me, in how it brings out the haters, the ones who are just SURE that allowing anyone else any sort of right or boon will some how diminish their slice of cake.  And you know what? It wont.  Any new civil right, only increases the chance of full acceptance for all  HUMANS.  Yes, for all humans, not just gay, or trans or bi, or ___________, or ___________, and yes even _____________.

We honestly need to get our maturity level out of Junior High, we are no longer 12 and shouldn't act like it. 

What brought this up?  While reading over at Towleroad today I came across this ENDA article.  To think!! An honest to goodness trans man is going to testify!  Yes!  Can you believe it?  They are actually going to question someone who has experienced LGBT discrimination.  Wow, what a concept, boggles the mind yeah?  To place a cherry upon this great sundae of delights, Mr. Broadus is African American.  This man knows about discrimination, in heaping dump truck loads, and these Senate sorts are going to listen to him.  Mr. Broadus comments will be entered into the record for all to read, forever. 

But then, like a stupid head, I read the comments.....sigh. 

And over on Joemygod, was this piece about the Netroots convention and this sign.

Thanks Joe for posting this!  However... many of the comments again were just sadly out of line again.

While I know that whenever humans are discriminated against, they feel the need to fight for every extra crumb they can get, because who knows where the next tidbit will arrive, if ever, it doesn't make it right to hurt others while getting your "fair" share. 

So, we come to the idea of Proportional Envy-free Allocation.  Which simply is the idea that if two people are warring over something allow one to cut and the other to choose.  If the LGB cut the cake into two pieces that are wildly unequal then not much is left for the T's, right?  But if the T's get to choose from these vastly unequal slices, which slice would you expect them to pick?  However, if the cake is cut into a close as possible halves, then everyone leaves the table full and happy, and no one is a loser. 

See?  That's the deal here, a win for any of us, is a win for all of us.  Any step whatsoever in the direction of LGBT civil rights is a win for all of us. 

                                          A WIN FOR ALL OF US.

If you have no interest in marriage?  Fine, dandy, fan-freaking-tastic.  But dont piss on the rest of us who want with every molecule in their being to marry their partner.   All you can think about is LGBT homeless teens and how the religious ran shelters who wont accept us?  Good for you! Protect the weak, the young and the elderly, a society is judged on how it treats its weakest members.  But stop and give a think for a moment please.......and I want you to be completely honest here, yeah?  If LGBT were 'given' the right to marry, in many ways it would legitimize us as a people.  And if we are deserving to sit at the big people table and order marriage, how many other rights, would flow from that one single right?  In states where we are allowed to marry, adoption is easier than an the non-marriage states. We can adopt our spouses children, we can adopt as a couple, like them straight type beings.  If 'gay' marriage has no effect on 'straight' marriages, how do you think it will negatively impact your life?  Is it because now your family can harass you to 'finally settle down and get married"?  Does it not fall into line with your views of being a class/gender/sexuality warrior, I mean how edgy can being gay be if we are 'allowed' to marry?  Get over your bad self and stand for a moment in a life not yours, ok? If our very own federal government would grant us full marriage rights, what else just might follow?

My grandmother was right, be nice to everyone.

*** for more info on the proportional envy free allocation, look here.

Monday, June 4, 2012

All boxed up and no where to go

For the past week, I've been combing the classifieds and Craigslist looking for a place for TH and I.  And after viewing several places, we are becoming discouraged.  The three places we looked at were moldy, not a good thing when our houses are closed up so much of the year. 

What really its quite surprising just how many places for rent here in town are "dry".  No, they dont mean alcohol free, they mean without water.....yeah.  I've done the whole last frontier lifestyle back in the day, and hellz no we are not going back to that again.  Let me tell you using an outhouse in the middle of the winter is no fun whatsoever.  Most people who live this way, bring their toilet seat in the house in between uses, or one can have a tendency to umm freeze down to the seat, yeah.  Most laundromats here also offer shower rooms, due to the lack of water in so many of our cabins.

Here is a typical ad from Craigslist.
"For rent is a 20x30 Cabin with loft that is located on its on 2 acre lot, the cabin was wet till the well froze so its now a dry cabin. There is a composting toilet in the bathroom located in the cabin :). the rent is 500 a month. It has electric baseboard with a wood stove for heat. the wood stove will be removed this summer and a oil furnace will be installed. the stove is propane. All utilities are payed by tenant." 

TH and I have finally done some long overdue talking.  We seem to be on the same page on several important things, which is great.  My gender is still a tripping up point however.  He is honestly adrift as to how to act and whatnot.  TH was teasing me about something silly last week, and after he said "silly woman" like he has done for a zillion years, he fell silent, and the mood chilled.  So, it looks like we are going to have to have that talk again.  I dont mind talking about this with him, but what bothers me is how often we seem to walk the same trail over and over, and nothing ever gets resolved to anyone's satisfaction. While I dont enjoy having to refer to myself in the feminine, its ok for others to do so.  Yeah I know weird, but when I do so, it feels like a violation of my self.  I've never felt comfortable using the feminine words, and for years had issue even typing the word 'girl'.  When others use the feminine toward me, I'm ok with it, well....more or less, because its what they see, so for them it fits.

So, far I've packed 3 boxes of books, 1.5 of which were manga, and I've still have at least 3 more boxes to pack.  Wow!  I didnt realize just how many books TH and I actually read.  Since I've gotten the Ipad, I'd say at least half of all my book purchases are digital, thank gods for that, or I'd have even more boxes to pack.  Oh, and these books were all purchased in the past 2 years....We have close to 30 boxes of books in the storage unit. 

TH came in the house a few days ago to find me standing in the kitchen, fridge door open, me looking in.  Nothing within looked delightful, ya know?  So, after some funny banter, we finally agreed upon barbeque.  Now, I dont know about y'all, but for me when I'm chowing down on some good 'que its either sweet tea or a beer to quench the thirst.  This was most def a beer night.  After ordering up our dinners, I asked what sorts of dark beer they stock.  The sweet waitress told me, I chose, and then she proceeded to card me.  Tis one of those 100% card places, its s'all good, yeah? 
TH was feeling playful and told her in a shocked voice, "You're carding her?  shes 52!"
Waitress rolled her eyes at him and said, "No she's not!"
At this point I whipped out the license, and proved the point. 
"So, how old did you think I was?"