Hey, I didn't mean to scare y'all. No matter how depressed I get, there will be no suicide attempts, and that is a solid gold promise. I intend to see this life out, no matter where it leads me, no early out tickets for me.
For some unknown reason however, when I get very depressed all of my old self destructive habits come rushing in at me screaming at me to fall into those deceptively soft arms. So, an embargo on beer until those shrill voices shut the fuck up and let me be. Drink was a false mistress that lead me far from shore as a teen, and I still fight the desire to drink when life gets shitty.
What led me to that dark path? I hesitate to tell you, it sounds so stupid, so mundane, and yet for me holds so much angst and pain.
Shopping for clothing.
I don't notice/see/pay attention to my reflection, ever. When I do look in the mirror it isnt ME that I see. The mirror however is unavoidable when one is shopping for clothing, and yes, I did need clothes, mine were looking old and worn.
As for the id10t remark? Yeah, I am an idiot for being such a gutless person, for being a door mat to others, for not being brave enough to live for myself.
I fear hurting my beloved TH and boys.