Hey, I didn't mean to scare y'all. No matter how depressed I get, there will be no suicide attempts, and that is a solid gold promise. I intend to see this life out, no matter where it leads me, no early out tickets for me.
For some unknown reason however, when I get very depressed all of my old self destructive habits come rushing in at me screaming at me to fall into those deceptively soft arms. So, an embargo on beer until those shrill voices shut the fuck up and let me be. Drink was a false mistress that lead me far from shore as a teen, and I still fight the desire to drink when life gets shitty.
What led me to that dark path? I hesitate to tell you, it sounds so stupid, so mundane, and yet for me holds so much angst and pain.
Shopping for clothing.
I don't notice/see/pay attention to my reflection, ever. When I do look in the mirror it isnt ME that I see. The mirror however is unavoidable when one is shopping for clothing, and yes, I did need clothes, mine were looking old and worn.
As for the id10t remark? Yeah, I am an idiot for being such a gutless person, for being a door mat to others, for not being brave enough to live for myself.
I fear hurting my beloved TH and boys.
You are caught in a terrible Catch-22. I can't imagine trying to deal with it. I am glad you are strong enough to avoid "the final decision". For that I am profoundly glad.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hate shopping for clothes, too. Mostly because I hate my body, and nothing looks good on me.
You're not gutless. You are so strong to be able to deal with what you deal with, every day, in every way.
Peace <3
Jay
I am glad to hear that the final checkout is not a possibility. I know all to well being in the space where it is a real possibility and that is a scary place.
ReplyDeleteYou are very strong for being able to recognize the self destructive habits for what they are and being able to fight them, that takes way more strength then you may realise and give your self credit for.
I know that it is no where on the same level but I hate shopping for cloths too, it puts me in a very down on my self place, because I can never find things that fit right and look good on me.
You are not an idiot you are only human, and are only trying to do the best that you can with the hand that life has dealt you.
Please try to remember that it is the depression talking when it tells you that you are stupid and puts you down,and that what the depression says is not the truth. I know that it sounds stupid and it is much harder to do then it sounds.
I hope that things get better and soon, just remember that you have friends out there that think you are one of the smartest and bravest people that they know. I hope that it dose not offend you but I will be keeping you in my prayers.
When I read your reasons, It all made sense. I wouldn't be so presumptuous to say that I know exactly what you are going through, but looking in the mirror and hating what I see, I do get that.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you posted this. I know what you mean. I hate shopping for clothes, and it's bad when things are always fluid. Some days are fine, others not so.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for choosing to live my life, it's a struggle to find balance. All I can do is hang on and get through it one day at a time.