Fast forward a week or so later, and again I'm searching for something at the Home Depot. That day however, I'm wearing a much more femme shirt, and the same orange vested guys who couldnt see me the previous week almost fell over themselves to ask if i needed help!
Talk about an eye opener. I got my item, after being asked by nearly every guy in the store if I needed any help, these were the very same guys who ignored me the week before....yeah, so.
This all got me to thinking about me, my presentation and how the two different experiences made me feel. I'm only interested in men sexually. And getting the look from them really made me feel better about myself. Yes, yes....sigh. I know right? How very sad and lame is that, to need validation from total strangers?
Since then I've been shopping. For many reasons, the most important one is that ALL of my clothing except for 2 shirts are to hot for Arizona. After the two different experiences I decided to test the girl clothing waters.
It took me almost 3 hours to stay in a store selling female clothing long enough to actually LOOK at the merchandise. And then it was still rather a minuscule look, not an actual poke around browsing situation. Then at Lucky Brand a clerk caught me, and the next thing I knew, I was walking out of the store the owner of two new shirts. girl shirts. I have since bought 4 more shirts, all girls. I've also bought in the men's department a pair of baggy shorts and a tee.
My new rule is no matter where I'm going, or who I'm meeting, I dress for me. So, if I pull on a girl shirt and its NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I pull it off and put on my guy stuff, and smile. I always start with the girl stuff, using the guy's clothing as a fail safe. The dress rate of guys to girls is currently running about 50/50. Why some days I'm cool with girl world, I havent a clue.
But the more important question would be, ask me if I care? I've decided while I'm here, with no one to have to answer to to be the most authentic self possible. If that means my presentation flip flops from butchy lesbian to 'straight woman' then so be it. I'm relaxing my hold on the rules of dress, and am dressing to please me and only me.
Also, I've been thinking more and more about transitioning. For a long while it upset me that I'd never be a really macho guy, I'll always be a more or less femme guy. One cant live in the body and social life as a woman, and not have it rub off to some degree. I'm not a total femme, just rather femme, and I'm ok with that. In transmen's world I'd be looked down on terribly. But since there isnt a huge community where transmen hang out, that shouldnt be an issue really.
Yes, if the transition occurs, TH will leave me, there has been no movement on that front. And unlike a year ago, I'm ok with it now. Why? What changed? A slow burning anger to be truthful. I gave up something I desperately wanted, nay need, to keep our marriage intact. But since I've come out to him the physical side of our relationship has dried up. And I'm not just talking sex, even 'little' things like no hand holding, kissing,or cuddling. Its a rare day indeed when any of that occurs, and I'm fed up with it.
I talk and talk to him, it seems every time that we have things ironed out. Only to have our life slide back to the non-touching again. If I'm going to give up being a visible guy, then I need something back for it in exchange, like being touched again. For a while I thought that I was being very selfish. But have changed my mind of late. Why is it selfish for me to finally at long last be a complete me? Its not.
TH is coming for a visit towards the end of February, and no I'm not going to spring any of this on him. But this will be a test more or less, a test he doesnt know hes taking. If I dont see any movement in the direction I deserve, then after I get back to Alaska, I'm sitting the boys down, telling them that im a transgender guy and letting the chips fall where they may, and will start the transitioning then.
Before I couldnt see my life without TH. Not any more. Now, I'm having trouble seeing a life without ME IN IT!