Sunday, August 29, 2010

The long and winding road

Wednesday afternoon I woke up TH (the husband) early so we could get on the road and head on down to Soldotna and go fishing.  And yeah you didn't read that wrong, it was afternoon and early for him, he works nights.  I had everything packed and all he had to do was to load up the truck and off we went!  We were hoping to see Mt. McKinley, but the weather was cloudy and rainy, so sigh no view.

Due to the mountainous and our thin population, cell phone coverage in Alaska is rather uneven.  After passing Cantwell, though there is a really long stretch of the road where there isn't coverage.  I guess it was because he knew that no one could interrupt us, TH started to talk about me, him and us.  Shocking me to the core he told me that he wanted me to transition!!  Yeah, you did read that right.  He wants me to transition to make me happy.  But is still resistant about being with me as a guy, so I'm still back to the same place on the marriage board.  Girl suit = keep hubby.  Boy suit = lose hubby.  I told him point blank that the only reason I'm not transitioning was to keep us together, and that I was tired of the 24 hour poor him channel. Yes, I know this is tough on him, no doubts about that.  But, really here I am once again pushing my needs to the bottom of the barrel.  And I'm really tired of it, my entire life has been one of giving in to others needs and ignoring my own.  If I'm going to make this sacrifice for us, then he needs to understand the depth of what it really means to me to live this way.  I'm doing better living in the girl suit, and the grief period has mostly worn away.  I do have bad days, but for the most part, life is getting back to normal.

We spent the night in Anchorage, and did some shopping the next morning before heading out for the Kenai Peninsula.  We stopped by a nice water fall for a leg stretch.

I swear you can point your camera almost anywhere in this state and get something scenic in your lens.  Now I've seen this waterfall millions of times, and while it's pretty, I do crave the new ya know.  And this time, since we weren't in a rush to get to Soldotna, we stopped by Tern Lake.  OMG!  so, so so lovely, don't you agree?          

We called the guide to find out what time we need to be at his house to leave for the boat launch.  The tides determine when we leave.  When TH told me we had to get up at 4:45 a.m. I lost feeling in my limbs for short time from the shock of getting up that early!  But, trooper that I am, I got up and started to put on the millions of layers needed to be out on the river at 50F (10C).  This is what I wore....long johns top and bottom, jeans thermal tee shirt, snow pants (yeah yeah I know) my winter parka, wool hat, winter boots, and a set of rain gear,  and believe it or not I was still cold!  That river is freaking cold that early!  I had so much gear on it was hard to climb up into the his truck!

Boat loaded, and off we went zipping thru the dark to the "hole" where he fishes for silver salmon this time of the year and when the tide is at this point.  We drop anchor, and he drops the anchor, baits the hooks and casts them into the the inky darkness of the Kenai River.  TH gets the first nibble but it gets loose, so that means the next one is mine!  Ohhh!!!  Ok so now I'm all excited and waiting.  Then just when I stop paying attention, my rod tip in the holder jerks down hard, signaling that there is a silver on the hook.  After a few minutes of a fight, I pull a beautiful 10 pound female into the boat.

We are sitting there talking and having a good time with the guide, Tim.  TH and I have been fishing with him now for around 30 years, we have watched each other kids grow up, and there was only the three of us in the boat, so there was plenty of time to chat.  And then BAM!  TH gets a massive hit on his rod, and Tim and TH start working to get the silver into the boat, when something catches the corner of my vision and I have one on too!  I pulled the rod out of the holder and went to work landing my fish.  Tim was so excited to have a double he now had two people to boss around at once!  Which is tough even for him.  Both fish were caught, they were both 15 pound males.

While Tim was cleaning the fish at the boat launch I asked him to cut the milt out because I've been told it's good eating.  He cut it out and off we went to the fish processor to have our fish cut into chucks and frozen in vacuum packs.  Then I remembered that our hotel room didn't have any place to cook.  Hmm, so back to Tim's we went to ask if I could please borrow his kitchen.  He said sure!  Gave me a pan, some oil, lit the stove for me, as his pilot light is broken, and got about halfway out of the kitchen.  He stopped and said, what did you say you were going to cook again?  When I told him milt, he came back and turned the stove off, and told me no!  Sigh.... next year we are getting a room where I can cook!

On the way home we encountered a huge back up of traffic due to road remember this is Alaska, so it's not hugely large for y'all but for us?  It was big enough to make me snap a pic!

An awesome time was had, and I really can't wait to go back next year!

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Junk drawer

Since I keep getting asked how I am doing, will start there, and then we'll just root around in the junk drawer.  As a whole, I'm doing alright.  I do admit however that something broke inside of me two weeks ago, and I'm just not the same person inside.  Part of what I'm feeling is anger at once again setting aside my wishes and desires for someone else.  The good thing that has come out of it, is that I'm no longer such a door mat to TH's (the husband) desires and wishes.  I'm not backing down any longer, he got the last big thing out of me that I'm willing to give to him.

Prop 8 and the straight Americans.  So, I had my hair cut today, it came out to short, so next time will have to be more clear about what I want, but any way....  We started talking about recent movies we had seen, and thought I would see how she felt about gay marriage.  I started talking about the documentary "8: The Mormon Proposition"  She listened for a while and then asked what prop 8 was.  What this says to me is that the current struggle for civil rights for LBGT people isn't reaching a great many of Americans.  Does anyone watch the news on ABC, CBS, or NBC so you could tell me if or how these stations are covering the fight for gay marriage, for the repeal of DADT, or the fight to pass ENDA?  I'm thinking that the alliances that are fighting for civil rights maybe should re-think their battle plans, because it seems as though the status quo isn't reaching the people we need to reach.

Summers swan song.  I've noticed in the last week, some of the trees are showing yellow leaves here and there.... we are almost out of summer and into fall.  Two Sunday's ago, it was 88, this last Sunday was all of 58.  My what a diff in only one week.  Oh well, maybe we will have one of those super long falls that we are sometimes blessed with.

Smoke on the water, and in the air, etc.  This summer has been a really low forest fire season.  Fire season started galloping quickly down the straight away as soon as the snow melted off, and at one point in June we had already surpassed some years total fire acreage, and then due to a really rainy July, most all of them are out, and no new ones started.  There is one fire though that just wont die!  Its fairly close to our town, and its in a military bombing range, and the military doesn't want fire fighters out there wandering around, possibly getting blown up.  So, the fire smolders, and smokes, and then in a dry spell will crackle and spread.  Today was a really smoky day,  I'm just hoping that the snow finally puts a death note on it.  Though they have been known to smolder under the snow all winter long.  If you're interested in looking at the smoke and the current fires, visit UAF Smoke.

Hooked!  Tomorrow we leave to head for the Kenai River to go silver salmon fishing.  I haven't been in many years, and am excited to go.  I love fishing for silvers for two reasons,  They are super tasty fish, I love them canned, grilled and broiled.  If you get the chance to eat grilled or broiled salmon, try the skin, if its crispy, it's super delicious!  It seems that most tourists are only interested in fishing for king salmon, which I don't think is as tasty, so the river is much less crowded.  This late in the tourist season too, so that does help ease the traffic on the river.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

learning to fly

While I don't belong to any formalized religion, I do have a belief system.  It is primarily based on the idea of being good to each other, the whole golden rule thing we are taught in kindergarten.  Which if you think about it, is actually a good way to live.  If we were all polite and kind to each other, most of our laws wouldn't be you can tell I'm an idealist.

Most religions seem to agree on the big issues, not killing other humans and holding their followers to be honest, kind and 'moral'.  Religions divert into interesting pathways of what they feel to be acceptable 'moral' behavior.  The view that we cycle again and again with our souls intact attempting to work our way up the ladder to reach nirvana.  And if you find yourself in the body of a female, then you obviously have a long way to go.

I think diversity in all things is, well a good thing, including religion.  Often we get so caught up in the tangled net of different = bad, that we begin to force our personal views upon others.  I don't care what religion you follow, what book you use to learn from that is the sacred words of your G-d, they all can be twisted into 'proving' a point, making a person, a group, or an idea against G-d's word.  Humans are tricky tricky beings who will say and do almost anything to get what they want. Counter that with the fact we tend to be sheep and love to follow behind someone who is willing to lead.

And it really doesn't take much to make others 'suspect' to us.  Something as simple as not having a tv, a cell phone, or desiring sex from any gender can open the door to at the very least verbal abuse.  I've known many people without a tv, or a desire to have one, had no interest in watching movies or listening to music, and once people find this tidbit of information about these fellow travelers, the whispering campaign against them begins.  They are weird!  Odd!  Not to be trusted!  Scratch most of our surfaces and you will find a 13 year old.  We are so worried about being pointed out as different, we begin to camouflage our true selves to blend in, and will often throw the first 'stone' to cause a diversion to keep others from noticing our differences.  No no, not me! I'm normal, it's this guy who you should worry about!

As religions became more organized and more powerful they began to exert pressure on the ruling bodies to align the laws of the area with the legal laws.  Why?  I think it all boils down into two parts.  One, the whole needing a large group of people to be just like us, even if it does require force to mold non-believers into the form of acceptable behavior.  Because if most of the people believe as you do, how on earth can you be wrong?  The few who refuse to live the guidelines must be wrong, or even more worrisome, evil.  These evil beings are liars, tricksters, seducers to a G-dless life.  And funnily enough often decades flow past where this type of person is seemingly not a threat to 'life as we know it'.  Until a tectonic shift occurs in culture and someone must be to blame for a changing world that makes no sense, and so our scapegoats are born.  We are all aware of many of our past and still to some extent, current scapegoats.  We structure our scapegoats from many different building blocks: religious peoples ( jewish, muslim, catholics, hindus, etc), color of skin, origin of country (China, Ireland, India, etc.) and some 'lucky' people belong to more that one group!  Oh, lucky lucky them!

Two, fear pure and simple.  Why fear?  Well, most religions seem to operate at least to some degree on fear.  Fear you won't get into heaven.  Fear that G-d would take offense with your culture if there was not enough adherence to religious law within your population, and do something nasty like flooding the earth, etc.  Fear that what others are doing is 'counter' than how you're living, or at the very least different, and different =bad/evil/worries.

From what I have read, most earth based religions seemingly understand that lgbt people have a place in the fabric that the gods have woven for us, and are accepted and in some cases revered.  It wasn't until the male god religions effectively sidelined many of the earth religions that things got tricky for many groups of people.  Among them of course were/are lgbt, women and children, and the elderly.  So basically if you're not young, male and straight, pffft you are worthless and merely chattel to be able to be treated with little or no regard.  Why?  I truly wished I knew how a society could effectually turn their backs on a major portion of society.

In the past 100 years or so, our country has been experiencing an upheaval in how it views many of citizens.  Black people had to work hard to be accepted as human beings, be allowed to vote, and allowed to marry someone of a different race.  Women struggled to be seen as equal to men, to be allowed to vote, and to be considered to be a 'head of household' for tax purposes.  And each and every time different groups of people struggled to be seen as equal worthy citizens, as needing and deserving rights and protections afforded to others, religious houses have rang with thunderous denouncements about the end of society as we know it.  How this will be the death of our country, the beginning of the end as it were. To be sure, there are always a few out of step religious houses fighting for these downtrodden people, but their voices are thin and fairly ineffectual against the louder din of the popular masses.  And after each group received their civil rights, a new scapegoat was born to fill that need to blame a faceless someone.

And here we are again, listening to religious houses thunder and using up air time, ink in newspapers, magazines and books to denounce yet another group of people who are fighting for equal civil rights and protections, using the same worn out and tired line of the end of the world as we know it.  From what I have personally seen, and reading around in history books, as the din from religious groups grows louder against any group, this is a signal that the tide is beginning to turn for the marginalized group.  As the arguments against allowing lbgt people civil rights become ever more absurd, you know they are scraping the bottom of the argument barrel.  The people who honestly believe the nonsense that is spewed out is getting smaller and smaller every day.  Sadly, one of the reasons for this change in attitudes is the passing of many of our elders, because elders are usually the staunch backbone of change is bad viewpoint.

Even if you're a member of a marginalized group, you're still not "safe" within your community.  Because within each community of peoples are ranks, these are considered "better" and others are surviving below the bottom rung.  And one thing about the people who are "better" in each marginalized community seems to be the ability to "pass" as a member of the majority group.

In the LGBT world, the men who are "straight acting" and "very masculine" and who can "pass" as straight seem to be on the top of the hierarchy, with "femme" men near the bottom of acceptability.  Femme guys can't "pass" as what our society thinks a man should be. Transgender people are below the femmes due to the lack of adherence to gender roles with their expressed sex, or so I believe.  Could it all this hatred of femmes and trans, boil down to something as simple as misogyny?

Several "facts" make me think this so.  One of which is that "butch" lesbians are usually looked at as more capable and dependable than women in general, and transmen assimilate more easily into our society than do the transwomen.  Why? Because it's much easier for a transmen to "pass" than for the average transwomen. Second think about these tasks that a woman traditionally did in the home, cooking, sewing, accounting.  What they all have in common is that once out of the home, women had trouble breaking into these as paying jobs.  Women only in the recent past have managed to make a name for themselves in fashion design.  Yes, yes, I know Coco Chanel is an exception, but there always seem to be those.  As recently as 10 years ago women were still fighting to gain acceptance into restaurant kitchens as equals.  And we all the know the jokes about women not being good with numbers……or with money.

Society has very rigid and tight gender roles, step out of the norm, and there be dragons.  Transgender and femmes are counter to these visual roles, and it makes some people uncomfortable.  If we make a template where men are considered to be the best of society, and women are not as important members, then men who exhibit the characteristics of women would of course be looked down on.  And people who blur the line between male and female would be seen as a threat to society.

Personally I have noticed that since I've started up "butch" up my appearance to downplay my femininity, that I am being treated differently.  I seem to be treated better in hardware stores, and auto part shops.  Men seem more likely to strike up a conversation, and women less.  So, have I joined even peripherally the society of maleness?  I just don't know.  But what I do know, is it's time for us to be more accepting of all gender presentations and roles, and for all of our people to be seen as important members of our society.  To evolve is to live, stagnation leads to death. As for me, I'm going to attempt to evolve, I'm going to learn how to fly.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Watch, cheer and cry

I've been spending a great amount of time reading  prop8trialtracker lately.  I'm eager for the latest tidbits of how the case in California  is going, and need updates several times a day.  Today this video was featured. I'm posting it here not knowing how many people do visit this worthy site, because this video should not be missed!

Her name is Patti Ellis, and this woman is a most excellent mother.  If only more parents were like this, our world would be perfect, or as close to it as us flawed humans can manage.

The video is from Anthony Ash click the link to read his entire article.

Friday, August 13, 2010

new shoes

ok, well you see i have a new blog color scheme.  following this change, i'm going to try to change my attitude.  i've succeeded in scaring my friends, and hubby....and that is something that i'm not happy about.  i've never been this depressed ever, and need to do something NOW. not next week, not later, but NOW. because if i don't do something to pull myself out of this tailspin soon.......i'll soon be unable to get out of bed, and i'm NOT going there!

looking at it logically, i only have two choices, stay in the girl suit, or metamorphose in male form.  sigh as much as i want to be male, i refuse to risk, and possibly lose the love of my family.  and no im not being a doormat here.  i grew up without love, being told every day that i was unwanted, and that i ruined her life and wished that i had never been born, and let me tell you, that was a horrid way to grow up.  TH's love was like rain on a desert, i soaked up every drop, and finally began to bloom into a much more confident person. abet one who is never sure that any one really wants me around, super thanks female parent!

what i am going to try to do, is to find a way to blend all of me into a whole and happy person.  i've done a lot of thinking today, along with so much crying that hours later my face still hurts hours later after the tears dried up.  if you think about it, no one is 100% male or female, we all have notes of both in the song of our personality.  Often we blend these notes without even realizing it, and thats my goal to blend until i'm happy again.  no need to toss any of me on the trash heap, all of me is worthy of keeping.  i just need to find a happy place for all of me.

starting from the top down, i'm happy with my hair, and glasses, so w00t!  ok, i'm not happy with the rest of my body, but maybe with some determination i can start using my treadmill and lifting weights again.  if i'm going to keep this 'suit' then it's going to be in shape again.  my thinking is that if i can 'masculine' up by getting in shape that will help a lot.  the really weird thing is that for whatever reason, i've always built up muscle easily and tend to have larger biceps than is usual for females to the point where i have trouble getting shirts cause my arms are so big.  so does this mean i have a larger amount of testosterone floating around inside than usual?  not sure.

and i'm going to stop wobbling about if i should get rid of my girl clothes.  yeah, they are out of the closet but only as far as my garage......  so tomorrow when i go to the grocery, i'll drop them off.  honestly i think i'm suffering from a lack of confidence, so i hope by following through with the jettisoning of the "old me" clothes, it will help me to move forward.  i need to have a battle plan and stick with it! no more whining.  no more being so wishy washy about who i am.

i am a guy.

                       i have a non-conforming body.

                                           i will find my joy again and refuse to let this beat me down any longer!

i need a theme song for this fight of mine, and here is my song to get me thru this.

and here is the lyrics to "Fighting Song" by Miyavi

What's up my friend, cheer up... but am I not particularly at a loss?
Well for now toss out the bad things & irritating things, toss out everything on unburnable trash day,

Yet mankind, if were all told by their mothers "you can do anything if you try~"
She loves the ugly you & clumsy you, stinky-feet you and everything anyway.

Just burn up the white flag... or like, you don't have to be prepared right from the beginning.

This is Fighting Song
Beat 'em
Finish 'em off
Try & try.
We don't have to put up our fists.
So we can follow on forward.

It's your Fighting Song
Beat 'em
Finish 'em off

Never give up and Go.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Cement shoes

I'm just about used up.  Nothing left.  Empty.

T.H. is being a total ass.  If he whines one more fucking time about how hard this is for him, I swear to god I'll walk away for good.  All I hear from him is, "Boo hoo!  You're going to leave me!  I'm so upset and depressed."

Like what the fuck does he think I am?  Giddy with delight?  Overflowing with happiness?  I've gotten to the point where I can't hardly leave the house for fear of breaking down in public.  And when I do have to go out, I'm frozen afraid that any emotion will cause me to crack open and tears to pour out of me.

All during all of this, I'm still playing the part of Happy Homemaker.  Making his lunches, cooking his suppers, laundry, dishes, bills, etc........  One day when it was just all to much and he had to go and pick up stuff for both his supper and lunch (he works nights so much carry a lunch) he acted all put upon.

    I wanted to do 5 on the fifth.  The theme was "on the road"  and my mind filled in "to destruction".  And planned pics of a handgun, beer, a syringe, a rope, and a bridge.........My thoughts are getting darker, as I sink ever deeper into depression.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Prop 8 ruled unconstitutional by Adam Bink

I just finished reading the meat of the decision. Chief Judge Vaughn Walker has ruled Prop 8 is unconstitutional on both Equal Protection and Due Process grounds. Huge win. The decision is likely to be appealed to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals. Developing…

UPDATE (1:43 PST): Here’s the conclusion from the decision.

Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license. Indeed, the evidence shows Proposition 8 does nothing more than enshrine in the California Constitution the notion that opposite-sex couples are superior to same-sex couples. Because California has no interest in discriminating against gay men and lesbians, and because Proposition 8 prevents California from fulfilling its constitutional obligation to provide marriages on an equal basis,the court concludes that Proposition 8 is unconstitutional.

Plaintiffs have demonstrated by overwhelming evidence that Proposition 8 violates their due process and equal protection rights and that they will continue to suffer these constitutional violations until state officials cease enforcement of Proposition 8. California is able to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, as it has already issued 18,000 marriage licenses to same-sex couples and has not suffered any demonstrated harm as a result, see FF 64-66; moreover, California officials have chosen not to defend Proposition 8 in these proceedings.

Because Proposition 8 is unconstitutional under both the Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses, the court orders entry of judgment permanently enjoining its enforcement; prohibiting the official defendants from applying or enforcing Proposition 8 and directing the official defendants that all persons under their control or supervision shall not apply or enforce Proposition 8. The clerk is DIRECTED to enter judgment without bond in favor of plaintiffs and plaintiff-intervenors and against defendants anddefendant-intervenors pursuant to FRCP 58.


The full decision can be found here. Notable segments are on pages

UPDATE (10:46): Other notable segment:


Plaintiffs challenge Proposition 8 under the Due Process
and Equal Protection Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment. Each
challenge is independently meritorious, as Proposition 8 both
unconstitutionally burdens the exercise of the fundamental right to
marry and creates an irrational classification on the basis of
sexual orientation.

Reposted from prop8trialtracker

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My grand baby is a fangirl!

Once a week or so, I go over to the son's house and babysit while they get a chance to have some together time. The go out to eat, see a movie, or one night they did both! They both came back looking much more relaxed and refreshed. Because babies, for being such a small scrap of humanity, are very adept at completely taking over homes, lives and bending everyone to their tiny wills and very loud and very demanding needs.

So, wee little one and I were getting along wonderfully, she had been giving me her patented smiles, and I was talking to her, patting her tummy as she laid on her blanket on the floor, kicking and wiggling and just being a happy little person. Then she felt that she might have a corner of her tummy that was maybe not as full as necessary, so out came the whimpers, and the sad faces. In short order, her tummy corner was filled, her diaper changed and a nice sized burp had been coaxed out of her.

However for some reason known only to her, it was still whimper fussy city. Hmmm.... So, I picked her up and patted and rocked and walked and talked and still fussy fussy fussy! Sigh... In a weird moment of I'll try anything, I pulled my trusty Iphone from my pocket, clicked on the Itunes, and Miyavi was already to play. And wee little one, shut up! Her eyes got huge. She laid perfectly still listening to Miyavi sing. Ok! When the song came to an end, I tried other artists but none of them seemed to make her as happy as Miyavi did. And if you are wondering, No! I didn't play Marilyn Manson! Give me some credit.

Before she drifted off that night for her evening nap, she must have listened to this song 4 or 5 times. So now, whenever I babysit, this is the song I play for her when she is fussy.