ok, well you see i have a new blog color scheme. following this change, i'm going to try to change my attitude. i've succeeded in scaring my friends, and hubby....and that is something that i'm not happy about. i've never been this depressed ever, and need to do something NOW. not next week, not later, but NOW. because if i don't do something to pull myself out of this tailspin soon.......i'll soon be unable to get out of bed, and i'm NOT going there!
looking at it logically, i only have two choices, stay in the girl suit, or metamorphose in male form. sigh as much as i want to be male, i refuse to risk, and possibly lose the love of my family. and no im not being a doormat here. i grew up without love, being told every day that i was unwanted, and that i ruined her life and wished that i had never been born, and let me tell you, that was a horrid way to grow up. TH's love was like rain on a desert, i soaked up every drop, and finally began to bloom into a much more confident person. abet one who is never sure that any one really wants me around, super thanks female parent!
what i am going to try to do, is to find a way to blend all of me into a whole and happy person. i've done a lot of thinking today, along with so much crying that hours later my face still hurts hours later after the tears dried up. if you think about it, no one is 100% male or female, we all have notes of both in the song of our personality. Often we blend these notes without even realizing it, and thats my goal to blend until i'm happy again. no need to toss any of me on the trash heap, all of me is worthy of keeping. i just need to find a happy place for all of me.
starting from the top down, i'm happy with my hair, and glasses, so w00t! ok, i'm not happy with the rest of my body, but maybe with some determination i can start using my treadmill and lifting weights again. if i'm going to keep this 'suit' then it's going to be in shape again. my thinking is that if i can 'masculine' up by getting in shape that will help a lot. the really weird thing is that for whatever reason, i've always built up muscle easily and tend to have larger biceps than is usual for females to the point where i have trouble getting shirts cause my arms are so big. so does this mean i have a larger amount of testosterone floating around inside than usual? not sure.
and i'm going to stop wobbling about if i should get rid of my girl clothes. yeah, they are out of the closet but only as far as my garage...... so tomorrow when i go to the grocery, i'll drop them off. honestly i think i'm suffering from a lack of confidence, so i hope by following through with the jettisoning of the "old me" clothes, it will help me to move forward. i need to have a battle plan and stick with it! no more whining. no more being so wishy washy about who i am.
i am a guy.
i have a non-conforming body.
i will find my joy again and refuse to let this beat me down any longer!
i need a theme song for this fight of mine, and here is my song to get me thru this.
and here is the lyrics to "Fighting Song" by Miyavi
What's up my friend, cheer up... but am I not particularly at a loss?
Well for now toss out the bad things & irritating things, toss out everything on unburnable trash day,
Yet mankind, if were all told by their mothers "you can do anything if you try~"
She loves the ugly you & clumsy you, stinky-feet you and everything anyway.
Just burn up the white flag... or like, you don't have to be prepared right from the beginning.
This is Fighting Song
Finish 'em off
Try & try.
We don't have to put up our fists.
So we can follow on forward.
It's your Fighting Song
Finish 'em off
Never give up and Go.