Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Gandhi Thoughs

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, and then you win."
                            Mahatma Gandhi

If Mahatma is correct, and this is indeed the path one has to travel to win against an oppressor, lgb are almost at the finish line.  By my best guess we are in the "they fight you" turn.  I think we have turned the corner from the ridicule portion of the program.  Why?  Well, really when was the last time you heard anything different from the right?  Yeah, me either.  The last few years, its all been recycled stuff.  Oh, look at how good earth stewards the right are, they are recycling even their shit.

Walking Gandhi's path of non-violence has been a hallmark of glbt.  Every violent encounter has been met with passive resistance.  It's been the glbt that has been on the end of bats, fists and death, not the straights. Even though we were denied access to the hall of civil rights, we never thought of burning it down.

I dont know if you noticed the absence of the "t" at the end of glbt in the first paragraph.  Yeah, while there is light at the end of the tunnel for gays, lesbians and bi's, trans folk are still stumbling along in the dark.  While there is an "ick" factor for many straight's when they think of same sex people enjoying sex, it doesnt even come close to how many people feel about trans folk.

I've given the "ick" factor about trans people a great deal of thought.  I think what bothers most people is the mutilation of the body that many trans folk under go to allign their inner selves with their outer shell.  The idea of cutting off penises, testicles, or breasts is a vision for cis people that is akin to a horror movie. But to trans these body parts mean nothing, only a hindrance to be able to be seen as who we truly are.

Lately the label of trans is pinching me.  Why?  Because if you want to talk to a group of people who are totally wedded to gender norms, haul up a chair at any gathering of trans.  The transwomen really are cruel to the T-ladies who no matter what, will never ever pass.  They give each other shit for leaving the house without make-up on, or not dressed up, their hair not styled, their nails not done.  And before you sit and shake your head thinking, "Well of course they are like that, they are women after all", there is more to it than that.  Transmen are just as bad at judging each other.  The worst thing in the transman world is to be femme.  T-men have to be uber macho, have large muscles, have some righteous ink, and never flip a wrist, or forget and cross their legs.  To be a femme T-man is to be ridiculed, and to be honest after all these years living as a woman, there is no way I could ever be a totally masculine guy if I transistioned.  I could pass as male, but never as anything but a femme gay guy.  And while I'm ok with that, it leaves me out of the loop in the T-man world.

While attending the conference this last January was liberating on many fronts, it also illuminated that this was yet another area where I didnt fit in totally.  I was met with odd expressions, and was asked several times, "What or who I thought I was"  Now this really took me aback.  I was being asked what I was at a trans conference?  One of the T-men I met told me later that he uses me as an example of "there is more than one way to be trans."  Isn't that the saddest thing ever?  To have to hold up someone else as an example to defend who you are, not to the straights, but to other transmen, is beyond ridiculous.

So what label am I looking at now?  Well, I could fall back onto my original label of androgynous.  Or, I'm toying with genderqueer.  They seem to be a more fluid group.  I belong to a yahoo group for genderqueer, and many of these people are living my life, having the same problems finding a way to express their true selves without being pigeonholed as one sex or another, which is something that is becoming more and more important to me.  There is no way to keep my current life with TH and my boys if I trade out my girl shell for a boy one.  And I'm ok with that.  Just not comfortable being squashed and twisted so as I can fit into the box labeled female.  I'm sick and tired of living my life in a labeled box.  What I want to be is.........ME.  Damn the labels.  So the Gandhi quote at the start of this applies to this gender and label journey I've been on.  I've won against my own self war,  I'm fuck all tired of walking that path, and am going to strike out on my own, forging my own path.  If ya wanna, you are most welcome to come with.*

*if you're from the midwest, that last sentence is a complete sentence, yeah it really is.

Monday, August 22, 2011


It can't be the beginning of fall! It just can't be. Sigh, winter's cold blue breath will be knocking blowing down my neck before I know it.

Yes, yes I know. Winter follows summer. What? I forgot fall in there? Well, the deal is that our bridging seasons, spring and fall, are usually micro mini short. I've seen 14 inches of snow in the middle of September, and no it didn't melt off.

Our summers are so short we don't even have a chance to get bored. Or too hot. It's been in the low 60's for almost 2 weeks. The nights in the high 40's.

There is one bright spot though! I got my b'day wish! I'm a going to Atlanta to the musicfest. Whoo-hoo!! Can't. Wait. For. September.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Our Anniversary

Our anniversary...hmm well it depends on who you ask, as to what answer you'll get.  If you ask TH, then you'll hear the date of the day we married.  Ask me, and you'll get the day we met.  Yeah, time challanged me, remembers THAT date.  Saint Paddy's day.  When we locked eyes with each other, it was as if the world stopped spinning, time itself held her breath.  For someone who didnt even believe in love, lust hellz yeah, love pfff no!  Falling into love between one breath and the next, blew my windows out.  Slowly, step by step I learned what it felt like to be cherished, to be wanted, and that love, real love isnt laced with fists, cutting words, or the hot end of an iron.  Yeah, life wasnt pleasant growing up with my female parent.

 We have been married now for 33 years.  Whoa, what a huge ass number of years!  And while it hasn't all been perfect, it's been an unbelievable ride of companionship, affection, love, lust, and support.  I mean really, how many "women" could tell their husbands they are guys inside, and still have them around a year later?  Most of TH's friends all told him to leave me.  Or at the very least get drunk, and screw every female around.  We both have a different view of monogamy, we have both offered each other the ability to go and have sex with others, something that so far hasnt been followed up on.  However, it's always on the table.  We came to this after I stepped out on TH in a very dark era of our marriage.  Me having sex with someone else, woke him up as to how unhappy I was with him.  Before that?  Yeah, he totally didnt get what his attitude during that time period, was doing to me, to us.   The "infidelity" wasn't even an issue, it was what brought me to that point.  So in a weird ass way, me having sex with someone else, saved our marriage.

This weekend was spent opening our hearts to each other, something that we had stopped doing for fear of hurting each other, fear of breaking our bond for good and all.  This past year hasnt been kind to our marriage at all.  This past year was a mine field of hurt feelings, mixed signals, and not knowing how to help each other over the mud puddles.  The hard questions were asked, and openly answered, no hedging, no softening the answers, but the boldly lit truth.  We talked about sex, and the lack of it in this past year, and I think we are to the point again where the energy should start flowing again.  Fantasy's were discussed, and when TH asked me mine, I told him he already knows my fantasy.  When he realized what my fantasy is, to be a flesh and blood guy, he looked sad, but agreed with me that transitioning would be hard on my relationship with our sons.  Losing TH is still beyond my ability to grasp what shape my life would take without him in it.  He isnt able at this point in time to be with a guy, sexually or emotionally, and I totally get that. 

So our marriage has again weathered a storm, battered but very intact.  TH and I are in this for the long haul it seems.  How we managed to find each other in a sea of others is beyond me.  We fill each others needs, we are more together than we are separate.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


I was a wee bit surprised by the comments on my last post about how green it is here.  Summer is fleetingly short, but its a very intense summer.  No, not temp wise, at least compared to most places.  However the interior does record the highest temps each summer, ....and sigh the coldest winter temps.

I love to grow food.  Not really all about growing flowers, I love to look at 'em, but meh about growing them.  I suppose at heart, I'm a farmer.  This spring we built two earthtainers, I haven't grown anything in a few years, and was really feeling the lack.  We bought 2 tomato plants and 2 cucumber plants.  As of today, this is what they look like.

A close up of some of the tomatoes.

Some of them that were picked today.  Not all of them in the above picture were ready yet, some were hidden under the dense foliage.

A view up into the air.  I love, love, love trees.  The sound of the wind ruffling their leaves.  The dappled shadows they draw upon our mundane earth bound life.

And Daniel and Newleaf are right, most of Alaska is riddled with mosquitoes.  Any shady place, any damp area are filled with the wee little blood suckers, unless there is a nice breeze blowing, you are either spraying the bug dope, or waving your arms like a fool. This pic was snapped on the RUN! due to the kamikaze brigades of voracious mosquitoes.  Which for some unknown reason is our state insect.  Could it be one needs a highly developed sense of sarcasm to live happily in our state?

TH went fishing for king salmon down on the Kenai River.  These last few pictures are courteous of him.  This is really the color of the water, no optic tricks here.  Its glacier fed, and is beyond beautiful in real life.

A nice little moose family by the river.

Hope you enjoyed seeing a bit of our fabulous summer!  Now, I'm off to make meatloaf and mashed potatoes, yummi!  Then for afters local made ice cream from Hot Licks.  To top the day off, we are going to the late show for Cowboys and Aliens.  I've heard uneven things about this movie.  But I mean come on!  Aliens??? WITH  cowboys?  Hot cute guys on horses, what's not to like? 

See ya all laters!

5 on the Fifth

The theme this month is My Town.  After looking around our town, I decided to go in a slightly different direction, and just post pictures from two places in town.  One is a a refuge for migratory waterfowl, and the other an outdoor museum park.

Clickity to embiggen.

A bit of info about the "line" as it was locally known.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Party, Party, and Party Again!

Hi Y'all!

Well, since the last update I've clicked a new number on my personal calendar.  Yup!  Your's truly has reached a new milepost, age wise.  And I'm way time challenged, I thought I was a year older than I am!  LOL  yup yup, I'm really that clueless.  For some reason, I've never really cared how old I am, like never.

On the actual b'day I had dinner out with my sis in law.  Yesterday, b'day part II occurred with dinner out with my friend from the video store.  Tonight is b'day supper with TH.  Even tho I'm a total nerd, I'd LOVE it if the apple Apple pie was my b'day cake, for two reasons.  One, I despise cake, no really I do!  And two, tis an apple APPLE pie.  Apple pie is my fav, and then add on the fact its an APPLE pie...sigh perfect, just totally perfect...

If I can get my buddy to go with, this is what I've asked for gift wise.  I sure hope he'll go!!! 
                     hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope

Each year on my b'day I take stock of the year past, to see if it was a year of treading water, or more successful, this is personal wise.  The take on this past year?  I think it will go into the successful column.  The family front is still fractured due to eldest, who by the by DIDNT call me on my b'day, but I still firmly have a good relationship with the two youngest.  3rd son, has moved outside for work, and his wife moved out to get her PH.D.  

Personally though, I feel ever so much stronger.  I no longer have suicidal thoughts, which can only be considered a good thing indeed.  I'm beginning to find how to blend the inner male me with the outer girl me.  My blend seems to be rather androgynous, bits and pieces of both.  So, I'll wear my leather beaded bracelets with my guy shirts and my skull tennis shoes.  Some from column a, some from column b, which adds up to me.  I weathered the girl clothing just fine for the wedding, with only a bit of personal fraying.  But when I would feel my true self start to fade, I would walk to somewhere.  Why?  Because I no longer walk feminine, I use wider larger strides, bolder as TH says, and after a few steps whew!, I was firmly back, back, back.

I've become more relaxed with my status of a guy.  No longer do I cringe with fear that someone will find out.  Nor do I want to tell one and all who I am.  When I have someone important to me that I want to KNOW the real true me, then I tell them.  Do I still have a hateful relationship with the body?  yeah...a bit....yeah.  The thing that bothers me the most is my breasts, which seems to be an issue for most of us f2m's.  Because really thats the first thing that one thinks of when one hears the word "female".  How often do you check out the chest on a person you're not totally clear on if they are male or female.  Yeah...  Do I still crave, desire a male body, oh hellz shit yeah.  But, I'm beginning to learn how to be me within this body, and of late doing pretty good i think!

I wanna do a shout out a HUGE mega thank you to Jay for my b'day card!  Hugs and kissies to you my friend!


Monday, August 1, 2011

Bad Dog No Biscuits!

 "Mom?  Would you mind watching Kobe while we are in Hawaii on our honeymoon?"

"I'd love to watch him!  He's such a little sweetie pie!"

Ahh, the "joy" of living with a 100lbs, 9 months old, untrained puppy.  Sigh....yeah.... lack of sleep for me,  the mass destruction of our stuff, and the sweetest dog when he wants to be.

 This is Kobe, also known as, "NO! DAMNED DOG, DROP IT!"  Doesn't he have the sweetest face?

While out one day, I bought a game for hubby and I to play, Labyrinth the Duel I unpacked the pieces left the box lid on the back of the sofa for just a second while I ran to the bathroom.  And this is what I came back to.  Yeah, I mended it with tape, but really I couldnt have been gone more than 2 minutes.

Yesterday I was doing dishes, and realized that someone wasnt laying on the floor in the kitchen.  Oh..no.....and there he laid on the floor pleased as punch with himself chewing up TH's favorite hat.  While there is only a small hole in the front, the closure in the back is gone, gone, gone.

Remember the high school graduation we attended in May?  Well, that little sweetie made me a pillow one year for Christmas.  Yup, you guessed it he snagged it off the sofa while I was cooking supper, and was happily chewing his way thru it.  It and the other throw pillows, my emergency sweatshirt, are now under lock and key in the downstairs bath.
Yup, thats the guts of the above pillow, and the wee black bits?  Thats the closure of TH's hat.  Yes, before I could even get the pieces of the hat cleaned up, he had destroyed the pillow.

The new home of the garbage can.  Thats the only place out of his reach.  We had the trash in the bathroom for a while, but talk about a pain to keep having to walk to the bath to toss the trash.

The bride and groom come home tonight, and Kobe will be going to the airport with me, and then home with them, and boy howdy will I miss him.  I mean really what a sweet boy he is!

If you are wondering where I got the title from, tis a song from the "Cowboy Bebop" anime.  Written by the wondrously talented Yoko Kanno.  Here is the song...enjoy!