Tuesday, August 16, 2011
We have been married now for 33 years. Whoa, what a huge ass number of years! And while it hasn't all been perfect, it's been an unbelievable ride of companionship, affection, love, lust, and support. I mean really, how many "women" could tell their husbands they are guys inside, and still have them around a year later? Most of TH's friends all told him to leave me. Or at the very least get drunk, and screw every female around. We both have a different view of monogamy, we have both offered each other the ability to go and have sex with others, something that so far hasnt been followed up on. However, it's always on the table. We came to this after I stepped out on TH in a very dark era of our marriage. Me having sex with someone else, woke him up as to how unhappy I was with him. Before that? Yeah, he totally didnt get what his attitude during that time period, was doing to me, to us. The "infidelity" wasn't even an issue, it was what brought me to that point. So in a weird ass way, me having sex with someone else, saved our marriage.
This weekend was spent opening our hearts to each other, something that we had stopped doing for fear of hurting each other, fear of breaking our bond for good and all. This past year hasnt been kind to our marriage at all. This past year was a mine field of hurt feelings, mixed signals, and not knowing how to help each other over the mud puddles. The hard questions were asked, and openly answered, no hedging, no softening the answers, but the boldly lit truth. We talked about sex, and the lack of it in this past year, and I think we are to the point again where the energy should start flowing again. Fantasy's were discussed, and when TH asked me mine, I told him he already knows my fantasy. When he realized what my fantasy is, to be a flesh and blood guy, he looked sad, but agreed with me that transitioning would be hard on my relationship with our sons. Losing TH is still beyond my ability to grasp what shape my life would take without him in it. He isnt able at this point in time to be with a guy, sexually or emotionally, and I totally get that.
So our marriage has again weathered a storm, battered but very intact. TH and I are in this for the long haul it seems. How we managed to find each other in a sea of others is beyond me. We fill each others needs, we are more together than we are separate.