Party, Party, and Party Again!

Hi Y'all!

Well, since the last update I've clicked a new number on my personal calendar.  Yup!  Your's truly has reached a new milepost, age wise.  And I'm way time challenged, I thought I was a year older than I am!  LOL  yup yup, I'm really that clueless.  For some reason, I've never really cared how old I am, like never.

On the actual b'day I had dinner out with my sis in law.  Yesterday, b'day part II occurred with dinner out with my friend from the video store.  Tonight is b'day supper with TH.  Even tho I'm a total nerd, I'd LOVE it if the apple Apple pie was my b'day cake, for two reasons.  One, I despise cake, no really I do!  And two, tis an apple APPLE pie.  Apple pie is my fav, and then add on the fact its an APPLE pie...sigh perfect, just totally perfect...

If I can get my buddy to go with, this is what I've asked for gift wise.  I sure hope he'll go!!! 

                     hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope hope

Each year on my b'day I take stock of the year past, to see if it was a year of treading water, or more successful, this is personal wise.  The take on this past year?  I think it will go into the successful column.  The family front is still fractured due to eldest, who by the by DIDNT call me on my b'day, but I still firmly have a good relationship with the two youngest.  3rd son, has moved outside for work, and his wife moved out to get her PH.D.  

Personally though, I feel ever so much stronger.  I no longer have suicidal thoughts, which can only be considered a good thing indeed.  I'm beginning to find how to blend the inner male me with the outer girl me.  My blend seems to be rather androgynous, bits and pieces of both.  So, I'll wear my leather beaded bracelets with my guy shirts and my skull tennis shoes.  Some from column a, some from column b, which adds up to me.  I weathered the girl clothing just fine for the wedding, with only a bit of personal fraying.  But when I would feel my true self start to fade, I would walk to somewhere.  Why?  Because I no longer walk feminine, I use wider larger strides, bolder as TH says, and after a few steps whew!, I was firmly back, back, back.

I've become more relaxed with my status of a guy.  No longer do I cringe with fear that someone will find out.  Nor do I want to tell one and all who I am.  When I have someone important to me that I want to KNOW the real true me, then I tell them.  Do I still have a hateful relationship with the body?  yeah...a bit....yeah.  The thing that bothers me the most is my breasts, which seems to be an issue for most of us f2m's.  Because really thats the first thing that one thinks of when one hears the word "female".  How often do you check out the chest on a person you're not totally clear on if they are male or female.  Yeah...  Do I still crave, desire a male body, oh hellz shit yeah.  But, I'm beginning to learn how to be me within this body, and of late doing pretty good i think!

I wanna do a shout out a HUGE mega thank you to Jay for my b'day card!  Hugs and kissies to you my friend!