Sunday, July 28, 2013

Snap-a-holic post

TH and I went for a walk at the bird sanctuary yesterday.  Its a nice pleasant walk, its usually not crowded, there are many dogs to pat and visit with, and for me a transplanted mid-westerner, it reminds me of the farmland that used to surround me.  No farm animals though..sigh.  But there are fields and wide open spaces, a feeling of being able to breathe and freedom.

 The Republican idea of what retirement housing should be?  Nah, just a lean to, they have classes for children on how to survive in the woods, this was built a few days before.
 Then off to a riverside park we enjoy.  The primary user is for a boat launch, so for most of the day its a serene environment to sit and enjoy the day.  If it's not a breezy day, then one is kept mega busy slapping at mosquitoes.  But yesterday was a beautiful day, with just the perfect amount of breeze and sun.

Then up the road away to hike around a recent burn.  This kept us chewing our air for about a week, with the air quality listed as unhealthy for several of those days.  Everyone was wheezing and having issues grabbing enough air

 What we think happened here was that the trees were pulling the last bit of food energy from their leaves before shedding them.  The ground in many areas were covered with these sorts of bi-colored leaves.  This one is singed around the edges.

This forest fire occurred about a month ago, spewing particulate filled air into our town making our air quality "unhealthy".  The trail we were following was used by the fire fighters to get better access to the "back country", where there isnt any roads or trails, so they were bulldozing trails to get the equipment to the fire.  This is one of the many trees that were cut down, and as you can see, the roots of the tree survived the scorching and is quickly working at making a new tree.

Some sort of mushroom pushing its way through the forest floor.  If the weather cooperates next spring, this should be a great area to pick morel mushrooms.  

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Two for the price of one!

Why am I allowing a social enigma, the collective "them" to define what/who I am?  Why do we give power over us to anyone other than ourselves to decide who we are?  What a silly way to live our lives, and from here on out, I am going to attempt to break those bonds of the collective and attempt to live under my own definitions. 

I think that I've had the wrong end of the stick with the whole gender/sex construct.  Yes, I do have a female body, one that doesn't fit my male brain and heart.  But why doesnt it fit correctly?  Because my brain expects to see a man when peering into a looking glass.  Parts are missing, others are present, hairless mostly, etc the usual dichotomy of the transgender human. One who refuses to give up husband and children to grab the golden ring of transition.  That is my cage and their has to be a mindset that would allow me to meld all that makes me who I am, into a whole being that I'd be happy living within for the rest of my life.

So the female meat suit stays, that isnt under consideration.  What is left for me to manipulate to increase my happiness level, my comfort living within a female? 

Experimentation is called for, to see what lessens the GID (gender identity disorder) and allows me the maximum mental happiness.  I think one positive change would be to label myself as genderqueer or androgynous.  Why?  Because I am two genders within one body.  I live within one gender, and exist emotionally as another.  Rather than trying to choose a single gender, neither of which fits wholly, thinking of myself in the plural acknowledges both, and doesn't dismiss either valid gender.  For I am a blend of genders, a marvelous swirl of male and female, both of which need to be recognized by me to be one complete person.  Trying to shunt away the feminine hasn't been good for my mental state, how can I ignore my very being and still be happy?  The answer is I can't, it just doesn't work for me,  and led me down the path of depression with occasional flirtations with suicide.  I need to embrace both parts of my being, the male and the female equally.

And just like that...............a knot loosened in my chest.  A wad of of tightness that I wasn't even aware that existed, was only noticed by its leaving. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Finding Balance

Taking the allergens from my diet has helped even out my moods and lessened the grip of extreme depression that used to be my constant companion.  But now without depression coloring my landscape, I find my focus skittering around the edges of who I actually am.  Unable to grab hold of the topic with truth, has more or less frozen me into place.

I've been asked why I don't dress more male by the people I've come out to.  Because I'm afraid.  Afraid that first it will be masculine shirts, then hair style, then binding the hated breasts, and then.............hormones.  I sound like a right winger who preaches of the "slippery slope" of doom, but that is how my thinking is currently arranged.

It seems that my gender name is Henry.  Yeah, who knew?  While logging in to play a new game a while ago, I thought, "NO!  I'm not going to be Gillie, or Gill, in this game I'll be actual me."  And in a flash, I realized that when I gave myself a "you can do it" speech, I was always Henry.  

Some where along the way these last few years, I've lost the little body connection I had.  Frozen inside of me, bound up tight I've moved emotionally into a distant place, even from TH.  Hugs are allowed, as are kisses, but being touched sexually?  Yeah, I've lost the capacity for that.  Most of my sex drive has disappeared.  My thinking is that when I came out to TH if we hadn't gone into such a long period of being without sex, that maybe I wouldn't be quite so disconnected from my body.  I've always been very aggressive sexually, and while I dated in high school, teenaged guys were never my prime focus, men were.  Older men at least in their mid 20's and older, their experience in the rack really was what I was looking for.  

Always, for always I've been a blend of male and female.  In some cases my actions were more on the female balance, but mostly I look at the world thru a male lens.  But in the wake of the trans juggernaut, I've lost my natural inter-twining of male and female, for a stunted being, but I don't know how to find my way back to me. 

 I read an article on awhile ago, and it really struck home.  Most of the trans narrative is white male to female trans ladies who are straight.  Sprinkle in a soupcon of ethnic trans ladies, and a pinch of female to male trans men.  But nearly all of these trans tales are of straight people, rarely any of gay or lesbians trans.  Those that are LGB are frilly ladies and straight acting gay dudes.  An guess what?  That ain't me.  Yeah, for better or worse I am a femme gay guy.  I'll never be "butch" or uber male, while I'm very (or used to be) aggressive between the sheets, that's the only place I've really ever been aggressive.  I'm a soft gentle person, unwilling to cause hurt if at all possible.  After all these years living as a girl, I know the mannerisms adopted will never leave me, and after reading that article, I'm ok looking at myself in that light.  If I were to transition, no one would ever mistake me for a straight guy, ever, and I'm fine fine with that.  Which to my mind would read more authentic than if I were attempting to act a part I'm not.

What I need now is to find my path, back to a whole, balanced me.  I'm not sure if the way through is to be able to talk openly about it with TH, because he is still wibbling between acceptance and denial.  When he looked at the start up screen of my game and he saw Henry under player, he got that look again.  The look that says to me, "oh, I thought since you don't talk about this any longer it's gone away....", accompanied by a flash of anguish.  As to why I don't talk to TH about trans stuff is because I always get that face, and it saddens me/him, hurts his/my feelings....yeah one ugly circle there.  Maybe the path back to a more whole me, is healing our relationship, into one that feeds us both, mentally and sexually.  



Monday, July 8, 2013

Good God Man! Don't Lick THAT!

Cooking for Th and myself since my return home has been tricky as can be.  He anxiously awaited my return to have me cook his favorite meals.  Ok, no worries dear, let me go and whomp that up for you.  Halfway through making one of his favorites, Mac and cheese, I started to taste the cheese sauce to see if it was seasoned properly and realized tis full of milk and cheese a total no fly zone.  Then I needed to test the pasta to see if it was done, "shit!" I cant do that either!  TH tasted the noodles, but trying to walk him thru if the cheese sauce was right was insane.  He kept answering, "I don't know honey, it's just not right....." taking the trillionth taster and we finally just called it good.  He ate it, seemed happy enough after I got over my grumbles.   He loves the salmon pancakes that I posted a while back, but I've never tasted them, due to egg and flour.  And while the wheat flour is easily exchanged for gluten free "flour", eggs are a tricky bastard to replace.  Mayo won't work in this recipe, and just gave it up and make them for him alone.

Stupid traitor body with the insane food allergies!  Gah!

I made him a sandwich a few days ago, and went to lick the extra mayo off the spoon, stopping myself just right before it entered my mouth.  Over half of what he has been dreaming about eating while I was gone is un-taste-able for me.  I rarely use a recipe, as I cook by taste and smell and look, with taste leading the way by a long stretch.

Being ever the pusher of all things rule related I tried some apples and onions on my favorite pork sandwich (now sans bun, so is it even actually a sandwich?) at one of our fav restaurants.  Turns out that even though beer is fermented, and then cooked for a long time in with the apples and onions, it was enough to cause my system to go into complete disarray for days.

Some things I just make two meals, with only veggies or rice and occasionally potatoes being overlapping portions of our meals.  Which lead to loads of extra work, mega amount of pots and pans to wash, before I wised up and called it quits.

It has taken quite a bit of recipe repair work to make things that we both are happy eating, and doesnt make me sick, and that makes TH smile.  Some have been an easy fix, others have taken quite a bit of imagination to pull off.  Gluten free pasta and crackers and cookies, he loves!  Yippeee!!  Rice milk used in place of milk for cream sauces, not so much.  Vegan butter and mayo, he loves em both!  Vegan cheese?  Oh hellz no!  Soy yogurt, yes please!

I've found some vegan yogurt starter.  Why vegan?  Because all other yogurt starters have been raised on milk, and I'm not exactly sure how little milk it will take to crash and burn my combustion systems, but after the apples and onions incident, I'm not willing to go there any time soon.  Found some plain soy milk and this weekend I'm going to make some soy yogurt.  Our local stores only sell soy yogurt in wee plastic containers all flavored with sugar and fruit.  Nummy deluxe for snacks and whatnot, but not so good for recipes requiring plain yogurt.  Also want to try draining it to make a fake-y sour cream and further draining to get yogurt cheese to use in place of cream cheese.  Then!!  Yes then we can get seriously down on alfredo sauce with fresh caught salmon.

Over these last few months I had forgotten the sad state of produce in Alaska grocery stores.  The lack of variety, herbs being the number one unable to buy consistently.  Outside of parsley and cilantro, which are normally fairly fresh, its practically a herb free zone here.  Now and then they get in a new shipment of basil and I hurry home to use it up in a day or two before it dies.  Mint, shisho, watercress, lemongrass, and shallots aren't to be found.  Even something as common as hot peppers can be a hard to find item.  Oh, they have 'em, but they are dying, shriveled and often times moldy.  And that is impacting my cooking as well.  My new go to cuisine is Vietnamese and their food heavily uses fresh herbs, so much of my favorite meals that I couldn't wait to share with TH will have to wait for him to come and visit me in Arizona.