Why am I allowing a social enigma, the collective "them" to define what/who I am? Why do we give power over us to anyone other than ourselves to decide who we are? What a silly way to live our lives, and from here on out, I am going to attempt to break those bonds of the collective and attempt to live under my own definitions.
I think that I've had the wrong end of the stick with the whole gender/sex construct. Yes, I do have a female body, one that doesn't fit my male brain and heart. But why doesnt it fit correctly? Because my brain expects to see a man when peering into a looking glass. Parts are missing, others are present, hairless mostly, etc the usual dichotomy of the transgender human. One who refuses to give up husband and children to grab the golden ring of transition. That is my cage and their has to be a mindset that would allow me to meld all that makes me who I am, into a whole being that I'd be happy living within for the rest of my life.
So the female meat suit stays, that isnt under consideration. What is left for me to manipulate to increase my happiness level, my comfort living within a female?
Experimentation is called for, to see what lessens the GID (gender identity disorder) and allows me the maximum mental happiness. I think one positive change would be to label myself as genderqueer or androgynous. Why? Because I am two genders within one body. I live within one gender, and exist emotionally as another. Rather than trying to choose a single gender, neither of which fits wholly, thinking of myself in the plural acknowledges both, and doesn't dismiss either valid gender. For I am a blend of genders, a marvelous swirl of male and female, both of which need to be recognized by me to be one complete person. Trying to shunt away the feminine hasn't been good for my mental state, how can I ignore my very being and still be happy? The answer is I can't, it just doesn't work for me, and led me down the path of depression with occasional flirtations with suicide. I need to embrace both parts of my being, the male and the female equally.
And just like that...............a knot loosened in my chest. A wad of of tightness that I wasn't even aware that existed, was only noticed by its leaving.
I know this feeling. It's wonderful, isn't it? I'm at a point where I can say transgender to the right person, but I do have to use genderqueer to test the waters with people I don't know.
ReplyDeleteGlad to see you're making progress as well!
I always go back to what I heard Chaz Bono say, that gender isn't between your legs, it's between your ears.
ReplyDeleteAnd that's quite a varied space to be, with all sorts of folks.
Society is too rigid when it comes to gender rolls, and gender identity. I mean, how many gay male couples have been asked which one is the women? I recently had a discussion with my boss and he kind of, hesitantly asked that question and I said, 'Neither of us has a vagina, which is why we're a couple.'
Folks have a hard time understanding anything outside their realm of experience, but it's up to those of us who live outside their ';norm' to explain the way to them.
We are the educators, and when you post things like this, it gets all of us thinking about what gender is and how it fits us, or we fit it.
I think this is great, Biki. I hope this revelation and decision helps you as you make your way from here on out! I've met a fair number of F2M trans guys in the last few months, and listening to their stories, and seeing how they cope has been eye opening. I look forward to hearing about how your journey is continuing!
ReplyDeletePeace <3
Jay
I believe in some Native American cultures there's the concept of the "third gender" that describes your state.
ReplyDelete