Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Taking the allergens from my diet has helped even out my moods and lessened the grip of extreme depression that used to be my constant companion. But now without depression coloring my landscape, I find my focus skittering around the edges of who I actually am. Unable to grab hold of the topic with truth, has more or less frozen me into place.
I've been asked why I don't dress more male by the people I've come out to. Because I'm afraid. Afraid that first it will be masculine shirts, then hair style, then binding the hated breasts, and then.............hormones. I sound like a right winger who preaches of the "slippery slope" of doom, but that is how my thinking is currently arranged.
It seems that my gender name is Henry. Yeah, who knew? While logging in to play a new game a while ago, I thought, "NO! I'm not going to be Gillie, or Gill, in this game I'll be actual me." And in a flash, I realized that when I gave myself a "you can do it" speech, I was always Henry.
Some where along the way these last few years, I've lost the little body connection I had. Frozen inside of me, bound up tight I've moved emotionally into a distant place, even from TH. Hugs are allowed, as are kisses, but being touched sexually? Yeah, I've lost the capacity for that. Most of my sex drive has disappeared. My thinking is that when I came out to TH if we hadn't gone into such a long period of being without sex, that maybe I wouldn't be quite so disconnected from my body. I've always been very aggressive sexually, and while I dated in high school, teenaged guys were never my prime focus, men were. Older men at least in their mid 20's and older, their experience in the rack really was what I was looking for.
Always, for always I've been a blend of male and female. In some cases my actions were more on the female balance, but mostly I look at the world thru a male lens. But in the wake of the trans juggernaut, I've lost my natural inter-twining of male and female, for a stunted being, but I don't know how to find my way back to me.
I read an article on Bilerco.com awhile ago, and it really struck home. Most of the trans narrative is white male to female trans ladies who are straight. Sprinkle in a soupcon of ethnic trans ladies, and a pinch of female to male trans men. But nearly all of these trans tales are of straight people, rarely any of gay or lesbians trans. Those that are LGB are frilly ladies and straight acting gay dudes. An guess what? That ain't me. Yeah, for better or worse I am a femme gay guy. I'll never be "butch" or uber male, while I'm very (or used to be) aggressive between the sheets, that's the only place I've really ever been aggressive. I'm a soft gentle person, unwilling to cause hurt if at all possible. After all these years living as a girl, I know the mannerisms adopted will never leave me, and after reading that article, I'm ok looking at myself in that light. If I were to transition, no one would ever mistake me for a straight guy, ever, and I'm fine fine with that. Which to my mind would read more authentic than if I were attempting to act a part I'm not.
What I need now is to find my path, back to a whole, balanced me. I'm not sure if the way through is to be able to talk openly about it with TH, because he is still wibbling between acceptance and denial. When he looked at the start up screen of my game and he saw Henry under player, he got that look again. The look that says to me, "oh, I thought since you don't talk about this any longer it's gone away....", accompanied by a flash of anguish. As to why I don't talk to TH about trans stuff is because I always get that face, and it saddens me/him, hurts his/my feelings....yeah one ugly circle there. Maybe the path back to a more whole me, is healing our relationship, into one that feeds us both, mentally and sexually.