Within transsexual world, there is one and only one Holy Grail, to transition and "pass" 100% of the time, without any doubt in the other person's eye as they name you ma'am or sir. I get that, and totally understand the desire, and need to "pass" perfectly, especially since the religious right, and Faux News has whipped up the believers into a frenzy of hate of all things LGBT. Passing well could mean the difference of walking safely down the street at night, and being beaten or even killed. As dangerous as it is to be gay, transwomen are murdered at a far far higher rate than gays are, when you figure in the vast difference in the percentage of transwomen to gays. For the most part, transmen have it much easier, if people notice something "off" about them, the first thing that pops into their minds, is gay, not the fact that once upon a time they used to live in a woman's body.
I've always felt like an outsider, a foreigner in a strange land, unsure of the rules of behavior. My life has been full of facets that would cause me to feel untethered to my world. Abuse and abandonment by my female parent. Partial deafness as a child, which thankfully cleared up, an extreme allergy to calcium was the culprit. Being the only kid without a dad, whose female parent was divorced, and who lived with a succession of men, and she beat them all, like she beat me.
Add on the boy in a girl suit, and it's no wonder why I had/have problems fitting in. Recently, I've been looking back on some of the more chaotic times from my childhood, and only now are some of them making more sense. I only ever asked for trucks, race tracks, cars and erector sets for gift giving times. What I got was an endless line of dolls, barbies, and any thing pink, frilly and uber girlish.