Saturday, February 27, 2010

Shadow of the Day

Hey, I want to tell all of you thank you for all of your support lately.  It means a lot to me, the difference between keeping it together and loosing it totally.  I'm going to use your comments from my last post to answer some of your questions, and fill you in on how I am feeling about things.

Aek said: Because he's known you for so long, don't you think he might see through your "light and fluffy?" If not, then he's also avoiding the subject I think, but idk.

At least the good thing about hair is that it grows out. I hope you'll find a balance between what both of you can tolerate. It's cold enough up there.

My normal conversation is light and fluffy.  I flow from topic to topic normally when I chat with T.H.  So, would he notice a difference in our conversations?  No, most likely not.  Is he avoiding the subject?  Most definitely yes.

The one thing that will not change, that I refuse to back down on, is my hair.  In my entire life I have never enjoyed looking in a mirror, and now to my great surprise and delight, I do.  It just looks right, it feels even better, I feel like the me inside, not what I'm supposed to be, but what I feel I am.  All the boys love my hair, I even got a big hug and was told, "Cool hair mom!"  Which from a son is high praise indeed.

So, how will I deal with T.H. and the issue of me looking like a boy because of my hair style?  Pitch dark bedroom comes to mind first.  And no I am NOT trying to make light of it.  Joshua made me realize just how much this has to be shaking T.H.'s view of his sexuality.  Because if I keep telling him about my inner boy?  Then just what does that make him, yeah now you see it too.  And if he can't see my hair while we are making love, then it should be ok, until he comes to terms with the fact that this doesn't make him anything else than what he has been all these years.  

Mr. Hci and Bob both offered this: If things don't improve very soon, I hope you'll consider some kind of couples' counseling, especially if you can find someone with experience dealing with sexuality issues with couples.

This goes back to the whole won't talk about it issue.  I think the best thing to do right now, is just to let things sit.  Let him calm down and just allow him the time to process things.  He doesn't ever jump to make any decision.  No, T.H. is more of a studier, a thinker, a mull things over kinda guy.  Me?  Oh I am one of those snap decisions kinda person.

When I changed my name he acted just like he is doing now.  At first very supportive of it, and then as time passed things changed, and he didn't want to hear me talk about it any more.  Totally clammed up, sound familiar?  Yeah, it does to me too.   So, what I expect will happen, is that a funny look, or a short word from him, will cause me to blow open, and everything will come tumbling out of me.  Will it be pretty?  No.  Will it be loud?  On my part, hellz yeah!  And this is just what happened when I changed my name.   Even though he knew how important it was to me to have a name that was clean and free of bad memories, he pulled away from it.  Until like now, I was left alone in my decision.  Then one day the damned up feelings burst out of me, and I pushed him into a chair and basically screamed at him.  Telling him that I gave him a chance to voice his disagreement back at the beginning of that long journey, and that it was high time he lived up to that commitment he made to me then. T.H. had the balls to tell me he wasn't going to ever use my new name!  Yeah, that didn't go over well to say the least.  I put him on notice that he had until my court date to get used to my name, and after that he had to use my new name.  He was stubborn for a while and refused to call me anything at all.  He has come to terms with my name, it took him about 6 months or so.  And he often pointed out to me, quite gleefully in fact, that he wasn't using my new name and wasn't sure he was going to. 

My role in our relationship seems to be to keep him moving.  He is a rock, you always know what you are going to get out of him.  My more quicksilver person is to keep him rolling into the now and towards the future. He would be stationary I do believe if it wasn't for myself and the boys.  He kicked and hollered about getting cellphones, but he is rarely without his now!

I have been thinking about talking to a therapist myself.  Never have I had any luck with them before. In the past I saw one hoping to be able to talk out some of the feelings I had pent up inside of me from the years of abuse from my mother.  All she was interested in was giving me tips on how to deal with her now.  And yes, that was very helpful, but that's not what I needed.  So, am rather wary about trying again.  I don't trust easily tbh, and the only therapist in town that deals with gender issues, is a woman...... and I don't ever seem to connect well with them.  So, idk.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea.  I can't even imagine my life without T.H.!  He is my world.  Do I love him?  Hellz yea!  The even bigger question, am I still in love with him?  Yes, yes, yes.  When I hear his ring tone, my heart just soars. And when he wraps his arms around me, and pulls me into his chest, I am home.  From the way he holds me, I know he feels the same for me.  These past few weeks have been hell, and if I allow him to continue on as he is doing, I can see us getting a divorce.  Because once again he has gotten stuck in the  rut of stubbornness…… and it is my job to dynamite him out of it. 

For now?  I will go it alone, cry on all of your shoulders, and into my pillow when he isn't' home.  The introspection into me, and what if any changes, including both superficial and physical that I want to make, will continue.  He is living on borrowed time, the countdown has begun.  If he fails to come to terms with it?  Refuses to open up and talk to me or a therapist about it?  Well then, it could be the beginning of the end.  Because I refuse to be a doormat and submerge my feelings forever.


  1. Sorry to hear about all this. Maybe this will sound strange, but in a way, from what I understand, you have a good balanced view. And with it comes the ability to find reasonable ways out of the maze, and to solve issues.
    The relation I'm in is sometimes fluctuating, a lot. However there's always a way. Somewhere. Eventually.

    That's the only advise I can give to you... and you probably shouldn't take much notice of it anyway as I tend to screw up.

    Keep faith!


  2. It amy not be much comfort, but you still have a better relationship with TH than I have with the wife and I think we can hold it together. The trick is, will it be pleasant?


  3. Biki - sorry to hear about this. Maybe he has an adjustment period to go through. Maybe these are just bumps in the road, and everything will work out shortly. IDK.

    My wife and I have similar issues. Even though we're splitting up - we want to remain friends, so it's important to me that we maintain a relationship. But sometimes it's too hard for her. It comes in waves, and eventually dissipates. She does seek help from a therapist - and that can be hit or miss. They don't seem to understand what she's going through - but that's probably just an issue with her therapist.

    I hope things improve for you and T.H.


  4. Pete and I can get into ruts so we each have developed a technique for getting the other moving again and yes, it never happens without a lot of screeching and grinding as the brakes come off!

    Since I'm British I don't hold with counsellors or advice folk. I've known some people who do it professionally and their own lives . . . (ugh!)not a good ad!

    Give him time and don't change the way you (or the boys) relate to him. I believe you can stretch your soul through your blog and the internet.

    You sure do live in a remote place compared to most of us so I can't say stuff like 'you should get out more!' which would probs help coz then you could fizz all over lots of other people in order to be calm and loving later back home.

    So make good use of the net. I keep finding soulmates and I love the interactions we get together.

    Private emails and chatting can work wonders!

  5. Hey Biki
    Glad you posted this I know you needed to let this out. I have serious doubts about the value of therapists in general having been under the care of 2 psychiatrists as a teenager both of whom managed to miss the problem and the point entirely and actually made things worse, if you can believe that!

    TH has got to start talking about this sometime and I really think he has to talk to you. I hope it starts happening really soon.