Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I'll take "Androgyne" for $500 please.

Starting out on this odyssey of self discovery I began at the point of being an androgyne.  Life was good, the label/box fit me well.  Then as time went on, I realized just that there was more male inside me than female, and my label shifted yet again, and I thought of myself as transgender.  A transgender person who wanted the SRS.

I've been doing a huge amount of thinking these past few days and have pinpointed that very point as to where my extreme unhappiness began.  Yes, I did post about that, but then later thru talking with various people who thought I was selling myself out, I slid back to the trans label.

This is how I see it.  Yes, I am a guy on the inside, and no I don't fit well in the female world at all.  However, and this is a big however, I live as a female and there is no easy way to unhook my life as a female without causing many people harm.  Wait!  I am one of those people who it would cause grievous harm to.  Yes, I know that my tendencies is to be a door mat to my family, believe me I have given this a great deal of thought to make damned sure that it wasn't fear that was making me change my idea of who I am.

Am I a coward?  Is the fear of an unknown future what is holding me back from transitioning?  To be honest, I don't think so.  Yes, I did say think, not know.  But like I said, since that dark day when I decided to transition my life has been one long unending session of depression and gloom.  I just cant live that way any longer.  So, I'm rolling back the clock and going to try living with the androgyne label again and see if that is my key to happiness.

A few days ago on chat, I told a good friend just how depressed I am.  After listening to me a bit, he said he would pass on the advice that he was given a few years ago that helped him.  Pissed him off, but a few days later helped him.  His advice?  "Cut the shit Biki".  Thats what lead me to where I am now.

I've been told that moving forward will allow me to live, but being stuck, unable to make a decision will kill me, and how very right they were.  I woke up today feeling much more positive.  More so than I've felt in a long while.  I feel rather peaceful inside, which is a great feeling!

So, roll the dice and lets get on with the game of life, yeah?

4 comments:

  1. You're definitely not a coward! And being hesitant and think twice before taking the leap forward, that's nothing but wise and healthy.
    On the other hand, stuck or paralysed in a numbing situation, that's a definite killer.

    Stay on your positive feeling!

    Love
    Daniel

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  2. Come on lucky sevens ..... oh yeah ... cut the shit lol .... funny your know never thought of you as a coward ever .. always thought the other.... thought you were brave.... and yes we agree again.... but you knew it ... lol your know hugs and shit Lee
    ( screaming go Biki go .... )

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  3. I don't know what to say. Just know that we're here for you.

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  4. I think you're very, very brave. <3

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