Monday, October 4, 2010

Opinions and suggestions please

I finally seem to have myself back to what passes for normal.  Now that I know that this will be the carapace that will be my home for the rest of my life, and there is no possible way of becoming a man with a male body, I feel much less trapped and unhappy.  My joy is slowly returning, and my smiles now are in my eyes, so life is getting good again.  I still have sad times, and down moments, and clothes are still my major malfunction, but am working on that as well.

I want to come out to my sons.  They are all adults, and we are a very close family.  They saw my struggle this summer, and have spoken to TH (the husband) about it,  so they know something is up.  Because TH and I are such a tight couple the only thing they could think of that would cause both of us to be this upset is that we were having martial issues.  They thought we were working towards a divorce.

My therapist said no need to tell them since I'm not going to transition.  Several friends said to tell them, they feel that the boys need to understand what I have been struggling with for the past 8 months.  TH is against it because he is worried they wont love me any longer.  But I'm tired of hiding me, and I would like to be freer around my kids with my true self.  I want to be loved for who I am......all of me, not just the pretty bits and pieces that I deem worthy to show them.  TH and our boys are the most important people in the world to me.  I would do anything for them, and have made a huge sacrifice to keep our family intact, and worry that coming out to them would leave my family in ruins, and my sacrifice for naught.

What do you think?  Should I come out to them?  Do you think being transgender will cause them to turn away from me?  And if I do come out to them, will they realize my sexual orientation, or should I just be upfront with that as well?  Or will they be like the few people that I have told in real life, and after thinking about it, will realize the truth that was before their eyes but they didn't see it for the window dressing?

I want to take the next step, what do you think?


  1. I would have thought that the greatest risk would be the boys finding out from some other person or place (blog etc). They may see your not telling them as a form of betrayal.

    It's a huge decision, fraught with risk on either side but I can fully understand why you want to tell them.


  2. I've always been a believer that honesty is the best policy, and, like Mac said, it would be a very different thing if they heard your story from someone else.

    But that's just my 2 cents.

  3. Oh God, the perennial question. It's what I'm dealing with...but you know that...

    I think the reasoning of Old Midhurstian is worth keeping in mind. It's the old "when do you tell the kid he's adopted" argument. Hopefully before they find out from someone else. But this is quite different.

    I can't imagine your sons rejecting you. And they clearly know something is up. Kids (of all ages) pick up on marital tension like sponges. Having the reassurance that you and TH aren't splitting up would be a good thing, IMHO. Even adult kids want an intact family, they love you both equally; the thought of you two separating must be awful. Do you know what TH has already told them?

    I generally agree that being your true self around your family would be a great thing. Perhaps the therapist could help you with figuring out how to approach it with them.

    I think if you do come out as TG, then the question of sexual orientation will be a natural question. I think TH knows this already.

    One word to remember if you choose to take this step is "we". If they realize that the TH is still your life-love, and that you two have reconciled this with each other, that will go a long way to ease their minds. Hopefully, TH will be holding your hand when you tell them.

    I am positive they will recoil. This will be a shock to their very core - and if I may be blunt - it's because it's so different than just "being gay", which in your case, adds a new twist to it all. I don't think too many TGs have had their parents/kids/whoever just roll their eyes and say "yeah, I know" with this kind of news, like M did when I came out to her. I can predict that it might take some time for them to cope and get it straight in their minds. So be prepared for one or more to draw away for some period of time. But what I'm learning here in the blogworld is that (some exceptions noted) the family gets over it.

    Biki, I'm not advocating one way or the other. I truly believe only you can make that the decision, and in the end, you will have to. Hope I've been helpful. (I've certainly been wordy!)

    Peace <3
    Jay in VA

  4. Hey Biki,
    I have to agree with the above comments; this is not like coming out, exactly. Understanding TG might be one of the hardest things for straight people to empithise with. I think telling them with TH at hand is a really good idea, and then let them have some time and space to process it.


  5. You're the one knowing your sons, and I wouldn't be totally surprised if they know you well enough to... at least... already have a clue about this. Maybe not the actual subject, but what scale your dilemma is in.

    Come out or not. Tough decision, and irreversible. Follow your heart. Whatever you go for, my thoughts are with you!


  6. All good advice, imo!

    One thing to add:

    See if you can find some books or pamphlets or something for kids of TG'ed 'rents. Before I came out to my parents, I read several books for parents of newly out offspring and picked the one I thought was best. After I came out to them, I gave it to them to read and left the house to spend the night at a friend's, to give them time to digest.

    I'm not sure what books there might be, but your therapist might be able to recommend some. I'd think Dr. Margie Bowers' (sp?) website might have info, too. She rocks!

  7. Oh that's funny - I've just been reading through all these amazing comments and I'm sure I'd already said something - but maybe it screwed up.

    I just wondered about how the 'I'm gonna tell you a (shock, horror) story' is actually going to work.

    Is is easy to get the guys together or will that in itself say 'CRISIS!'?

    May they react as one or will there be differing reactions between them? Can you guess?

    Will TH be there and literally hold your hand?

    Will it, could it, be a joint announcement with him?

    Will be help?

    Nothing but questions me, today.

  8. Well seeing how everyone has put their idea in all I'm going to say is this:
    Do what you think is best for you.

    No matter what I will aways support your decision

    Take care,

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