Friday, October 15, 2010

Some questions answered, yet many remain

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, so hugs and kissies for all of your help.  Am going to respond to your comments here to make sure you see them, cause as you know, I rarely if ever respond to comments.

@Old Midhurstian~~ I'm not really sure how they would come across my blog.  My name of course is a nom de plume that has nothing in common with my actual name.  The only person who knows that they talk to is TH (the husband).  Everyone else that knows doesn't live here and doesn't talk to our sons.  But I can see how that would be a valid worry.  I hate not being honest with them.  There is no way that they haven't noticed my change in my clothing choices.  And the use of the word "person" instead of a feminine pronoun most of the time.

@Bob~~I totally agree, honestly is the best policy.  However overtime I get up the nerve to tell one of them, something happens to stop me.  The timing doesn't work, or they are having some sort of trouble that is really stressing them out, so I chicken out again and again.  One thing that is holding me hostage is the fear of losing them, of them hating me, of being disgusted by me.

@jaygeemmm~~Yes, I know what TH told the kids when they asked him.  He told them I was dealing with some very personal issues and that I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

Yes, the harshest words we have ever had was when this was still a fresh subject, and he was telling me that he didn't want to have sex with a guy.  And that day I was just not feeling all that generous towards him and told him he HAD been having sex with a guy our entire married life!  As you can imagine that did so not go over well...sigh bad, very bad wifely moment.

For whatever reason, when I imagine telling them, it's always alone.  It just seems so much harder, more complicated, some how just all around increase of stress with TH along for the reveal.  So actually when I read your comment, it totally shocked me.  And even after allowing all of the comments sink in for a while, it still seems vaguely wrong to me for some reason.  It just might be my stubborn independence streak?

Being TG is very different from being gay.  For one, its very hard to explain, because honestly everyone understands sexual desire, but to try to explain gender to someone who is all nicely matchy matchy, tis very hard to find the words to describe how I feel.

@Dodger~~Since everyone is advocating me to tell our sons with us as a unit, I suppose that is the way to go.  Not only is it hard to explain, but I worry about how they will take their mom being a guy....

@Daniel~~I cant decide on what the best path would be on this.  I know my kids really well, but on this subject I am totally lost as to how they will handle knowing im TG.

@Lightning Baltimore~~I took your advice and bought a book to give them.  But....sigh not really sure how much help it will be, its a good book, but still....

@Micky~~I kinda think that a joint telling wouldn't be a wise way to go.  The boys are all different in their approach to life, and I'm sure that in a group setting feelings could get hurt.  And it kinda feels as though it wouldn't be a very personal way to tell them.  There will be differing reactions.  I feel that at least two of them should be ok with it.  There is one however that we are both worried about telling, as he is so completely centered on his dad that the only way that he will be ok with it is for TH to be calm and totally accepting of me.  There is one that we are on the fence about, but feel that he will be ok with it after a while.  One thing we are worried about is the reaction of the wives, to be wives and the long term gf.  For such open minded guys they kinda picked narrow minded very provincial females.

@Ethan~~ Thanks for your kind support!

TH told me today that he is worried about me.  He says that while I'm happier, that it's still very obvious that I'm not throughly happy.  When he told me that, I was rather shocked, because I thought I was doing better......  It does feel as if something has broken inside of me, and I know that I'm not the same person as before.  So, now I worry, if this is only the eye of the storm and transition is down the road......waiting for me to finally come to terms with the fact of needing to live for me, and me alone.  Or is this just the healing phase of this soul wound?  Sigh......I guess only time will tell, yeah?


  1. I apologize that I haven't been commenting much lately. As frazzled as my mind is, I haven't been able to come up with a satisfying comment.

    I have no advice, no counsel, no thoughts. I only wish you the best of luck in however you decide to progress from your current place.

  2. I understand the part about TG being so different than sexual orientation. And it definitely harder for anyone outside the GLBT community to understand.

    I'm sorry if I shocked you with the idea that it might make coming out easier for your kids (not necessarily easier for you) if TH was there. I was just thinking in terms of reassuring them that their parents still loved each other, and them, equally as much now as ever.

    This is a heck of a dilemma. Hopefully, collectively, we can help ease you into a decision that is right for everyone.

    You are cared about here.

    Peace <3

  3. I think it would be much, much better if you could tell them as a couple. Otherwise each will only need to go and talk to their dad about it anyway. And many of their question could well be about he feels and whether your breaking up etc.

    If you could tell them together he could maybe reassure the guys that the world hasn't just ended and that the two of you are still their Mum and Dad and are staying a couple. It would be nice if he could say 'It's no big deal', wouldn't it?