Monday, November 22, 2010

Butterflies and Beer

All day yesterday I worried and stewed, and was unable to concentrate.  I worked on my parka a bit, and after making three stupid mistakes which involved a turn with the seam ripper, I called it quits and left to go do something else.  I tried reading, and realized that words weren't sinking in any further than my eyes.  Sigh.  Oh!  Its Sunday!  I turned on football, and managed to sit and watch that and did a few rows on my pattern knitting.  Which was just complicated enough to hold my attention, but not to the point where I would screw it up.  But really wasn't enjoying the knitting, and laid that down as well.  In the end I did dishes and cleaned the kitchen, while watching the game, and then packed TH's (the husband) lunch.

Now, I have a tendency to get lost, and TH knows this, so Saturday night we went looking for Pete's house.  The road was easy to find, but the house was a whole different story.  The house number turned out not to be on the house but on the oddly placed mailbox, making it hard to see from the street.  I'm glad TH took me to find the place because as upset as I was, I'm not sure that in the stress of looking for the house, and being stressed about the meeting that I wouldn't have just turned around and headed home.

I get in the car confident on knowing how to get there, but anything but confident that it would all be ok once I was there.  As I drive, my nervousness expands to fill the car, in desperation I turn on some music and crank it up.  That did help to pull my mind off the hamster wheel it had been spinning on all day.  Sigh...thats a bit better.  The one thing that I didn't want to have happen was to show up with tear tracks on my face, and yeah I was in that level of melt down.  One little dust mote landing wrongly would have pushed me over the edge into tear town, something I really really didn't want to do.

Pulling up to the house, I see someone else pull up, and for some reason, I'm scared!  so I keep driving.... I go only a bit further down the road, and turn around.  I turn the car around, park, big breath in...... and get out and lock it.  I walk up to the door, and pause a moment, yet another big breath, and ring the bell.  The person who had walked in right ahead of me, opened the door, and welcomed me.

Her name is Cara, and she was very sweet, and introduced me to BEVERLY!  OMG!  She came, she came, she came, she came!  At that very exact moment, is when I finally began to relax and decide that this will be ok after all.  Pete is very sweet and kind guy, oh and really really tall, his silver hair contrasted with a youngish face, and a gorgeous silver goatee.  Cara is older also and a bit taller than me, with salt and pepper hair and a soft feeling to her personality.  Beverly is also tall and very thin, with the coolest piercings, ears, she has a conk piercing in both ears, in her tongue and around her ear lobes.  Kelly came in right after me, and she is young and very cute, and very friendly.  Nicole came in rather late and really wasn't very.....friendly,  she only talked to Pete, am reserving final decision about her until the next meeting.

Pete had made supper so we ate and chatted, and I calmed down even more.  There was some general talk about one thing and another, then the meeting bit of the program, which was interesting, then more chatty.  And almost shockingly soon, the meeting began to break up!  Oh!  Cara and Beverly walked up and asked me if I would like to go for a drink.  Yes, yes yes yes yes yes!!!!!  

I got to know Cara a bit better, turns out she's not a football fan, but Beverly is.  We chatted a bit about this and that, and then it was time for Cara to go home.  I'm not sure why her wife didn't or doesn't come to the meeting, but it was nice to get to know Cara.  After she left, Beverly started talking about being trans.

Overly wordy me has absolutely no words to describe how it felt to sit there, in real life, and talk to someone about being trans.  I no longer feel like such a total freak-a-zoid.  Beverly is M2F, and has been living as her true self for 5 years.  We exchanged phone numbers and email addys.  

This is the happiest I've been in.....................................well I can't remember when the last time I was this happy!  The tears are no longer on the surface, threatening to burst out of me.  My shoulders are relaxed, and the nonstop clench in my jaw is gone as well.  I feel totally at peace with myself.  The next meeting is in January, and you can bet I'll be there!


    So very cool, Biki! I am SOOOOOO thrilled for you! I'm out of words to express my joy for you. Can't wait to chat about it.
    Peace <3

  2. :-D im so happy for you biki, that the meeting went well! Now you have some new friends who you can hang out with and just be yourself.

    Yeah its always a very nervous situation when you're meeting people for the first time, and i think its always just that 'breaking the ice' moment that raises sweat. But im glad you settled in soon afterwards.


    (please, forgive the shouting)

  4. YAY WHOOTS~! even tho we chattied before this haha =P

  5. :-) I'm glad everything worked out and that your nervousness deflated. Happy that you got the courage to go and that TH seems to support you.

  6. Wonderful! A real life meeting with people who share your journey has to be the most liberating experience.

  7. Congratulations! Jolly well done!

    I'm so proud of you (and mightily relieved!) that you went and it was so cool.

    Now cuddle TH (and the boys when you can) and just try to be quietly excited and happy about it but give them plenty of time and smiles too. You need to keep the home and everyone in it as strong and cohesive as can possibly be. You need your base.

    Now give yourself a big hug from me!