Faltering steps

My social life consists entirely of my family, our sons and their wives, to be wives, and girl friend.  The few friends I did have before moving, have all drifted away, leaving me without a single friend.  TH (the husband) says I'm looking in the wrong place for friends.  He told me to stop looking for women to be my friends, and to be friends with guys.  Ok, that makes sense, as I've always gotten along better with guys.  But if the men are married, their wives don't understand wanting to hang around a female bodied person with out sex occurring.  And two, where would I meet new guys, because if a "woman" is friendly and open with a guy, they assume, wrongly, that I'm looking for sex.

So, as you know, November 20th is International Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I was curious if our local PFLAG group was holding a memorial.  And I wrote this email to them.

Hello,


I was wondering if there was going to be a local Transgender Day of Remembrance in Fairbanks?  I would like to attend if you are having one, as I'm transgender myself.


thanks
Biki

Receiving this mail in response:

Hi Biki,
At this time, PFLAG Fairbanks has not organized a day of remembrance event. Last year there were a few transgender members who met a few times, but the person heading that up has not been to a PFLAG meeting for a while. 


Pete

Then, drawing my courage around me, I wrote Pete again:
Hello Pete,
  
Do you think that any of the transgender members would be willing to meet again?  I'm newly out, and horribly shy, but could really do with a 'community'.  Maybe not an official sorta of meeting, but a meet someplace and chat sorta thing?  I feel rather alone, and would love to be with people who actually understand me.
Biki

And then this arrived in my inbox:
We can probably make that happen. Let me get in touch with Beverly and see what her schedule is.
-pete

Five days ago this landed in my inbox:
Hi Biki,
Beverly said she would be available to help with establishing a circle or support network. She works morning shifts, which cuts down on her availability. I'm hoping she can make the PFLAG meeting next Sunday at 4pm here at the house. We don't have much business going on, so it will be somewhat informal. 
-pete

It was at this point, I screwed my courage up, and told TH about going to attend a meeting with them this Sunday.  Dead silence.  Finally he asked me, "Do you expect me to attend THAT?"  Letting me know what he thought about it.  Then yesterday he asked me, "What are you hoping to get out of this meeting?  What if they are like everyone else, and they tell you to transition too?"  Ok, so now the truth comes out as to why he's rather against it.  And yes it made sense to me why he would be afraid.  He doesn't want to lose me, and to him my transitioning would be losing me.  I explained to him that I want, no I need friends, and if any of the trans members become friends how wonderful it would be to have someone really and truly understand me.  After he thought about it for awhile, he agreed, that I would be happier if I had a circle of friends.

Now what you might not know about me, is I'm horribly shy, especially when I go someplace alone, that alone will be a huge step for me.  Then if you add the fact that this will be the first time that I'll be "out" to random people, it has just grown even bigger.  

I'm worried that they won't like me.  I'm worried that my shyness will make me look unfriendly.  Also, our city is rather small, and part of me is worried that word will get back to the kids...... I'm just plain worried, about well everything.  But I can't live like this any longer, so Sunday will find me knocking on the door.  Wish me luck!