Friday, November 19, 2010

Faltering steps

My social life consists entirely of my family, our sons and their wives, to be wives, and girl friend.  The few friends I did have before moving, have all drifted away, leaving me without a single friend.  TH (the husband) says I'm looking in the wrong place for friends.  He told me to stop looking for women to be my friends, and to be friends with guys.  Ok, that makes sense, as I've always gotten along better with guys.  But if the men are married, their wives don't understand wanting to hang around a female bodied person with out sex occurring.  And two, where would I meet new guys, because if a "woman" is friendly and open with a guy, they assume, wrongly, that I'm looking for sex.

So, as you know, November 20th is International Transgender Day of Remembrance.  I was curious if our local PFLAG group was holding a memorial.  And I wrote this email to them.


I was wondering if there was going to be a local Transgender Day of Remembrance in Fairbanks?  I would like to attend if you are having one, as I'm transgender myself.


Receiving this mail in response:

Hi Biki,
At this time, PFLAG Fairbanks has not organized a day of remembrance event. Last year there were a few transgender members who met a few times, but the person heading that up has not been to a PFLAG meeting for a while. 


Then, drawing my courage around me, I wrote Pete again:
Hello Pete,
Do you think that any of the transgender members would be willing to meet again?  I'm newly out, and horribly shy, but could really do with a 'community'.  Maybe not an official sorta of meeting, but a meet someplace and chat sorta thing?  I feel rather alone, and would love to be with people who actually understand me.

And then this arrived in my inbox:
We can probably make that happen. Let me get in touch with Beverly and see what her schedule is.

Five days ago this landed in my inbox:
Hi Biki,
Beverly said she would be available to help with establishing a circle or support network. She works morning shifts, which cuts down on her availability. I'm hoping she can make the PFLAG meeting next Sunday at 4pm here at the house. We don't have much business going on, so it will be somewhat informal. 

It was at this point, I screwed my courage up, and told TH about going to attend a meeting with them this Sunday.  Dead silence.  Finally he asked me, "Do you expect me to attend THAT?"  Letting me know what he thought about it.  Then yesterday he asked me, "What are you hoping to get out of this meeting?  What if they are like everyone else, and they tell you to transition too?"  Ok, so now the truth comes out as to why he's rather against it.  And yes it made sense to me why he would be afraid.  He doesn't want to lose me, and to him my transitioning would be losing me.  I explained to him that I want, no I need friends, and if any of the trans members become friends how wonderful it would be to have someone really and truly understand me.  After he thought about it for awhile, he agreed, that I would be happier if I had a circle of friends.

Now what you might not know about me, is I'm horribly shy, especially when I go someplace alone, that alone will be a huge step for me.  Then if you add the fact that this will be the first time that I'll be "out" to random people, it has just grown even bigger.  

I'm worried that they won't like me.  I'm worried that my shyness will make me look unfriendly.  Also, our city is rather small, and part of me is worried that word will get back to the kids...... I'm just plain worried, about well everything.  But I can't live like this any longer, so Sunday will find me knocking on the door.  Wish me luck!


  1. Good luck!

    I bet it will be fine. I don't have the small town problem - and certainly my daughter probably won't hear about my orientation via someone in my gay dads group, but I can certainly sympathize.

    The first time I went to a function with the gay dads, I was terrified. I sat in my car for 10 minutes worrying what would be on the other side of that door.

    Know what I found? Understanding. Acceptance. Kinship. I suspect it will be similar for you. It's a huge relief to be around people like you going through the same things. Feeling the same feelings. Struggling with the same issues.

    I hope you make some new, long lasting friendships on Sunday.


  2. Best of luck! Just one foot in front of the other. You've built up all that courage, don't let it go to waste.

  3. I definitely wish you luck. I believe this can bring you new perspectives and encouragements in your "issue". When you go, don't forget all the others has been in the very same position as you (shy or not). That's why these communities are!

    Love and squeezing hugs

  4. Good luck, Biki.
    It'll be good to know people who are experiencing, or have experienced, the same emotions you have. It will certainly help to make you feel less alone.
    Have fun with this.

  5. I think you are taking a HUGE, VERY POSITIVE step in your life! It's just as big as me coming out to even select friends, and I can imagine your trepidation. But remember one thing is nothing else: These people have been where you are, and whether they are in or out or somewhere in between, you should fit right in. Their whole purpose is to support GBLT folks like you, and while they may exude more confidence, etc., you can bet that at one time, they stood in your shoes. I know it can be tough when you're shy, but I'll bet you'll find yourself able to open up some in short order. I know the whole idea of someone else pushing you to trans is not something you want to hear, so you might have to explain that. But that's down the road. Just go make friends first, then worry about the deeper stuff. Just being around people who understand our whole situation will be a happy thing!
    Peace <3

  6. You've started the process and there's no going back because otherwise you would burn your boats. This is an opportunity for you and you MUST take up the offer.

    It's going to make you feel so much better but it's not going to instantly change your home-life and it's not, of itself, going to hasten or slow anything in your life in the next so many months, at least.

    TH can be assured that it's not going to fundamentally change anything. Not until he's had time to calm down again, anyway.