learning to fly

i feel that somewhere in this crash and burn that has become my life, a vital piece of me is lost.  even on my best of times now i feel.........muted.

where did i lose me?  i mean really, i'm the same person that i've always been, just awake now.  yeah, no more submarining for me, no more running from who i am.........who knew that waking up would cause so much angst?

stupid silly optimistic me thought this would all be an easy journey.  what a fucking fool i can be at times.

in all of this.......wasteland my inner life has become there are a few brightly lit areas.  i love, love, love spending time with my wee little baby girl.  she is just so sweet, and perfect.  funnily enough, from what my son says, she smiles bigger and more for me than anyone besides him and his lovely wife.  which is mega cool.

my hubby has a friend that he has had since 5th grade, and he has became my friend as well.  a few days ago i came out to him.  scared doesn't describe how i felt when i was telling him.  he told me at the end that he still loves me.  and to him, i'm still the most awesome person he has ever met.......

i'm poised on the edge of the cliff looking down, wanting to soar away into life.  but i seem to have lost how to navigate the winds.

for some reason this person seems to really need the window dressing of a male mannequin in the shop window to be open for business.  do i hate my current mannequin, no. just a huge lack of attachment to it.

adrift without a course to direct me to any shore.  i cant live as a male.  living as a female never was any kind of a fit.  so where does that leave me to live?

life as androgyne, is the closest i can come to something that sorta kinda almost fits.  to pull that off though i need some sort of chart, cause i have no clue how to blend the inner and outer of me into something i can feel comfortable with.

one of my comments a while back suggested that i take vacations to somewhere occasionally to live as a man.  i'm afraid if i let me out of the box totally there would be no way to hold back the surgery.....and that isn't a viable option for me now.  losing my hubby is something that i cant bear to think of.