Sunday, July 11, 2010


i've never felt this way before


all i do is cry

or the tears are walled behind my eyes in a painful lake

i know that our bodies are only window dressing

but to never been seen for who i truly am

to never been seen as a man


is painful

i'm at war with myself

life without my husband and children is unimaginable

that i will never see a true reflection in a mirror or another's eyes fills me full of grief

i lay on the sofa allowing endless tv shows to flicker over me

in each day are little blooming moments of almost feeling normal

bracketed with endless hours of feeling nothing

but grief

my jail is my body

the key is in my hand

but to use it

would kill my heart


  1. Pete and I went to our local Gay Pride on Saturday and there were quite a number of people there who had swapped their gender.

    If you could do that sometimes . . . but I suppose it's not easy to get an excuse to get to a friendly city and, of course, you'd need to know where to go to be among friends.

    If young guys can mix gender signals so easily, surely you could slowly get into that too, could you?

  2. i'm sorry to hear about your despair.. it's really hard for me to say what sort of options there are out for you, there is such a big issue with trying to balance what you want, and balancing your husband and your family...

    there are times when i feel sorta that way as well, but the things i'm trying to weight out are a bit different from yours

    i just hope you find that balance somewhere and sometime soon


  3. I wish I could say or do anything offering you an escape or a solution, but I can't. I believe it would only sound embarrassingly cliché. Hang in there. Stay safe.

    My thoughts are with you. Hugs.


  4. You need to make sure you get out and do things as much as you can. Honestly, I've been in that horrible, dark, depressed place and it's probably the thing that's worked the best.

    It's so hard to look so different to how you feel inside. I don't think cisgender people ever understand it fully. But you know who you are, and that's the important thing. You're strong, and you've been through so much, and I'm sure you can make it through this too.

    When you're depressed, it can be hard to see the good things for all the bad. I think you should try something that really helped me with my image issues. When you look in the mirror, and it just looks wrong, find the parts that don't. Maybe it's your eyes, or your nose, or some small feature. But try focusing on it instead of all the rest.

    I can't give you an answer here, because you need to find them yourself for them to mean anything, but remember you aren't alone. You have people that love and care about you. I think trying to keep yourself busy would be a good idea though. With depression, you don't feel like doing anything, and because you have nothing to do you sit there thinking about things, and it really doesn't help, because you just end up thinking yourself deeper into the hole.