i've never felt this way before
empty
all i do is cry
or the tears are walled behind my eyes in a painful lake
i know that our bodies are only window dressing
but to never been seen for who i truly am
to never been seen as a man
ever
is painful
i'm at war with myself
life without my husband and children is unimaginable
that i will never see a true reflection in a mirror or another's eyes fills me full of grief
i lay on the sofa allowing endless tv shows to flicker over me
in each day are little blooming moments of almost feeling normal
bracketed with endless hours of feeling nothing
but grief
my jail is my body
the key is in my hand
but to use it
would kill my heart
Pete and I went to our local Gay Pride on Saturday and there were quite a number of people there who had swapped their gender.
ReplyDeleteIf you could do that sometimes . . . but I suppose it's not easy to get an excuse to get to a friendly city and, of course, you'd need to know where to go to be among friends.
If young guys can mix gender signals so easily, surely you could slowly get into that too, could you?
:-( *HUGS*
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say or do anything offering you an escape or a solution, but I can't. I believe it would only sound embarrassingly cliché. Hang in there. Stay safe.
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts are with you. Hugs.
Love
Daniel
You need to make sure you get out and do things as much as you can. Honestly, I've been in that horrible, dark, depressed place and it's probably the thing that's worked the best.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to look so different to how you feel inside. I don't think cisgender people ever understand it fully. But you know who you are, and that's the important thing. You're strong, and you've been through so much, and I'm sure you can make it through this too.
When you're depressed, it can be hard to see the good things for all the bad. I think you should try something that really helped me with my image issues. When you look in the mirror, and it just looks wrong, find the parts that don't. Maybe it's your eyes, or your nose, or some small feature. But try focusing on it instead of all the rest.
I can't give you an answer here, because you need to find them yourself for them to mean anything, but remember you aren't alone. You have people that love and care about you. I think trying to keep yourself busy would be a good idea though. With depression, you don't feel like doing anything, and because you have nothing to do you sit there thinking about things, and it really doesn't help, because you just end up thinking yourself deeper into the hole.