R.I.P.

With the help of my therapist on Wednesday I came to the realization that the only way for me to honestly be happy was to transition.  I went in and woke up TH (the husband) to tell him.  I was crying and sobbing and had never been more afraid of any decision in my life.  I knew it had to be done, and I was ready.  Our third son is getting married next summer, and I had decided to wait until after his wedding to begin the process.  But, even though I was scared of what life would be like for me, this was a step that I was ready to take.

As I laid in bed with TH, he began to fall apart, and started to cry.  Since 2:30 pm Wednesday, he really hasn't stopped crying.  He doesn't want to lose me, he can't live without me, his life has turned to black.  No matter what I kept telling him, how I kept reassuring him, that I didn't want to leave him, that I still loved him greatly, that I would stay with him the rest of his life.  And then went on to say, it was him that didn't want me in male form, and I totally and completely understood.

I started crying only a few minutes into my session with the therapist, and cried along with TH.  I was grieving for my past life, worried about my future life, petrified about losing my children.....and so I cried, and kept crying, was unable to not cry.  My head was going to explode, so I retreated to our darkened bedroom, and TH trailed along behind me, crying the entire way.  After a few minutes, I held the sheet up to him, and told him to just strip down and get in bed with me.  Scooting up so it was a full body spoon, he held me and let go with gale force tears, weeping as though his heart and been ripped out and stomped on.

 My heart broke apart seeing what I had done to my very beloved TH.  The only person I had ever fallen in love with.  And most likely the only person I would ever love in that bone deep way.  The last sounds I heart that night before falling asleep was TH crying, and shortly after he woke up, he began to cry again.  We both cried almost all of yesterday, off and on.

I couldn't do this to him!  For me to have hurt him so deeply is more than I can deal with.  Life without my beloved TH, is not life at all!  He brings joy to my heart, flavor to my day, life to my soul.  And I know that even though he said I could stay, we could live together, just not as a sexual couple.  In the darkest, deepest recesses of my soul, I knew he could never deal with having a male 'wife'.  He is not built that way, he worries endlessly about being talked about, being pointed out, a victim of gossip.  Me?  I'm used to being on the outside of society, of not fitting in, of being pointed at, gossiped about, my heart and soul, had a nice hard callus to protect it from these sorts of arrows and bullets.  I am the stronger of us.  I am the one who trudges along through the harrowing times, supporting him, carrying him until the footing becomes firmer, and he is able to walk on his own, holding my hand for comfort.  I knew that.  I have always known without a single solitary doubt that I am the one who holds us together.  I am his glue, his protecter, his knight in shining armor.

And so, there is only one thing to do that makes any sense at all to me.  I have to man up to the situation. Put my needs behind me, stand firm and hold him up, until he can stand tall again.

Leaving me feeling as though I have killed, me.  How do I feel about this?  Numb.  In shock.  Grieving for the man I  almost got to be.  No beard, no hairy male chest, no penis.................  He will have to live in my dreams, as he has my entire life. 

Rest in peace dude, I'll miss you.