Tales of food, of opening the closet door and work

The food thing is a big ginormous pain to live and deal with.  I find things that are dairy free, things that are gluten free, but never both!  Gahh!!  However, I cant remember feeling this good in eons.  Its totally amazing to be on my feet for 5 hours straight, working hard enough to raise a sweat and still having the energy to cook supper and do the washing up afterward.  If I couldnt cook, I'd be in a world of hurt, no lie.  The Japanese breakfast is fantastic!  I have it down to only taking about 10 minutes for a meal that lasts me for hours.

Here is my morning soup recipe.
1 1/4 cup water
2 teaspoons fish sauce
2 teaspoons mirin
1/2 inch wide slice of tofu, sliced in half lengthwise and then cut into squares
2 tablespoons leek or green onion
3 tablespoons veggies, usually 1/3 greens and 2/3 zucchini

Place water and sauce and mirin in pan, add tofu and leek/onion and bring to a boil, add veggies and cook until all is hot and tofu has softened/swelled.  This is great for using up bits of last nights veggies!

The meat is usually left over from the previous night, but I also have thin sliced pork in the freezer for those nights I dont have enough left overs for both lunch and breakfast.  Oh the green sheets is nori.

My lunch that I carry to work is usually 2/3's veggies and 1/3 meat.  If I'm out of japanese sweet potato which is baked and cubed and rolled in sesame seeds, then I make rice balls, dusted with Korean Hot Pepper mix.

Friday night I found some gluten free burger buns and some tater tots and ate like an American on Friday night!  Whoo- hoo!!!  But ya know?  I didnt feel as good as I do when I eat Asian.  Sigh.......

A week or so ago at work one of my coffee shop co-workers was talking about a guy in her church, who is usually ignored due to dressing like a woman.  She kept referring to her as male, so I started questioning her as to how she dressed, after hearing that she wears make-up and dresses, heels, etc I told her she needs to use the feminine pronouns when addressing her.  Libby was happy to hear this, and said, "I feel sorry for him  her I mean, and always smile and make sure I greet her warmly and with kindness."  And natural as all can be, I stuck my hand out and asked her to shake hands and said, "Hello, my name is ___ and I'm a guy who lives inside a girl.  I'm trans."  And she was very open to me and our relationship is unharmed.  Libby and I have gotten fairly close, she is a total sweetheart.

Because it felt right and not forced and the time seemed perfect, I wasnt nervous or worried about it.  And yeah I feel better being able to be an unedited version of me around her. 

The work front has gotten interesting, on several levels.  Two weeks ago I came into circulation to find that I was alone, it felt kinda odd to be there alone, but there was a boatload of materials to discharge ( library speak for checking items in) and got to it.  About an hour later one of the employees came in and worked the other discharge desk and then she was gone, to be replaced later by someone else.  The next day was a repeat of being alone for long stretches, I was ok, and any questioned items I just set off to the side until someone came in that could help me. 

A few days later they taught me how to DLA the book carts, which is a last minute checking to make sure everything actually was discharged.  Cool!  So, now when my bins are empty, a fairly uncommon event, I can go over and DLA the filled carts.  Friday I was shown how to pull books from the stacks (shelves) for holds people have requested, that was nerve wracking but after I get comfortable with the process I'm sure it will be enjoyable as well.  Having a moment to stop moving my "boss" came and in and asked me how things were going.  I told him super, and asked him why I'm in the back alone.  Turns out that I've proven myself to be a good worker and a self starter who doesnt need much supervision.  He also went on to tell me that I'm one of the few volunteers who can do more than one "job" in circulation!  SCORE!!!  He also asked if I could be a floater, meaning that if someone doesnt show up, would I come in?  I said sure! 

This is the discharge computer.  The materials are run over the metal plate my water is sitting in front of, from left to right, and the title of the book pops up on the screen telling you that its checked in.  If someone has requested the book at a branch library or a hold for this library, that wee machine that can barely be seen peeking out spits out a label telling what needs to be done.  The keyboard is for the items that wont check in for some reason, and one has to key the barcode in by hand.  The wall of fun behind the computer are things that have been found in the books. 

Food Follies

TH has been after me to get a physical, and after some whining and whatnot, finally did.  I've suffered from chronic fatigue and muscle pains for a long time.  Also I would have periods of 'brain fog', where it was hard to keep a thought in my head and at its worse would lose the thread of the conversation in the middle of a  sentence. 

Three years ago the acupuncturist thought I might be allergic to eggs, chicken, and dairy.  Dragging my feet, and with a heavy heart I dropped those from my diet, and within a week, began to feel ever so much better!  I cheated here and there, and it wasnt pleasant. 

After loads of blood work, and tons of tests, doc gave me the bad news.......I am allergic to much much more than we had suspected.  I'm gluten intolerant, sigh. 

so, no bread!

no beer! due to the gluten and the brewers yeast.....

no shellfish, and I used to live on shrimp.  Cant afford lobster or crab, but love 'em.

For the last few years I've been eating more and more Asian foods,  especially Thai and Vietnamese, with a smattering of Korean.  It just somehow tasted better to me, and I felt better as well, full of energy rather than feeling heavy and sleepy afterwards, and now I know why, a lack of wheat in most of their cuisines are light in the use of wheat.

I'm spending more time in the kitchen trying to cook my way around all these stupid food allergies.  The one meal that has been a tricky sticking point is breakfast, and have decided to go Japanese for that meal.  Typically they have a bowl of rice, miso soup, a piece of nori and a piece of fish or an egg.  For an egg substitute I slow fry soft tofu in butter with salt and pepper, the texture is right and so far butter doesnt seem to be an issue.  I've made a fish soup for breakfast as well with thick chewy rice noodles, and lots of green veggies.

Gluten free cookbooks arent that much help, as they lean heavily upon dairy and eggs.  I've checked out a gluten free vegan book, and some cookbooks from India, due to the worry that non-stop Asian food will become boring and feel limited.

The cool thing though is I'm remarkably thinner already after just a week, and I cant remember the last time I felt this good.  So, who knows, maybe I'll learn to not miss beer, pizza or toast?

Biki Quixote

On January 10, 2013 George, my Chevy Sonic, had been mine for 90 days.  Yup, thats right, 90 long days.  Now George has been feeling a bit self conscience of late.  Why is he feeling this way?  Because he is still wearing his temporary paper plates.   

Here's the deal, George was bought in Arizona, but an Alaskan bank paid for him.  Understandably they wanted him licensed in Alaska, ok no worries as I plan to live there part time.  A month passed and no plates, I called TH and asked him shouldn't I have received them yet?  TH thought it was to early yet.  The next month TH and I again have this conversation, and it was shoved to the back burner.  December rolls around and now TH is getting worried as well, so he heads off to the bank to see what the story is.  He is told quite rudely that they have no control over the DMV and the loan manager gets up, opens the door and ushers him out.  Needless to say, TH is thundering mad. 


A few days later, I receive a call from the bank demanding that I send them the original paperwork.  A quick back and forth with the person on the phone, didnt illuminate what was the originals they wanted.  In a huff the lady hung up on me!  Now tis my turn to be incandescently furious.

TH and I devised a battle plan, he would go in each week and talk to someone at the bank, and I would call and hopefully we could get some "movement" on this constipated issue.  This continues, until I am about ready to fly up there and way waste to this bank!  I make a call, and am NOT friendly, not rude, but very cold to her.  She did some computer researching and found that they didnt have the title and thats the hold up, but that they were going to send for it.  Sigh....this didnt occur to them before this?  Really?

Today I head over to the dealership where George lived, and talked to a very nice lady in the titling section,  Lucy, and due to her hard work, discovered the hold up.  Arizona's DMV is all digital, and Alaska is still using paper titles.  The title company assured Lucy that they transmitted the title to the bank, had the proper name and address, I totally believe them.  They finally requested a paper title the 24th of January!!!  Ok, ok, ok..... is it possible to renew my temporary plates?  No, due to the fact it's being titled outside the state, they cant renew them.

I head home, wait for the bank to open and called the bank asking for the title department, and was shunted to the menu to retrieve a balance enquiry!!!  Angrily I hang up and this time when I get the same stupid twit, I ask to speak to the bank manager.  He did some digging around, agreed that I had every reason to be upset, and is sending me temporary plates Fedex. 

Finally there is an end in sight for my quest for license plates!

Italians in Love

enjoy!

And then there were four

Monday evening found me driving to an unfamiliar library for my first adventure in Table Talk.  Was I nervous you ask?  Well, lets see, first off I forgot my sheaf of sign in sheets, back to George.  Then I forgot my volunteer ID badge lanyard, back to George.  Ok, do I need anything else....think.....think.....dont think so......lets get this party started.

Opening the door into the library, the first person I saw was the very same woman I had issues with when I was replacing RIFD tags at "my" library.  Hoping upon hope that she didnt remember me, I walked up to her desk and told her I was there to facilitate Table Talk, and she just stood there looking at me.  Now I dont know what this person's malfunction in life is, but lordy something large and nasty must have crawled into her years ago for her to be this mean spirited.  I'm hoping she isnt going to be a problem.  Could this be the reason that Table Talk in this location keeps going thru facilitators?

After I besting the dragon at the gate, I wrote "Hello, my name is Bobbie" and pulled some chairs around to make the computer lab more user friendly for chatting.  I hear a squeak at the door, and who should walk in???  The adorable Korean girl from the class I sat in on!  Then a lady from Afghanistan, who was funny and very very chatty.  A few minutes later a lady came in from Mexico who was at the last class as well!  Coolness, indeed.  Quite late into the 1.5 hour period, a sweet, very shy lady from China came in. It was hard to get her to talk.  Not really sure she will come back, as the Afghanistan lady tended to hog the conversation.  Note to self, drive the conversation in such a way as to make sure everyone has a chance to talk.

Its all a blur to me now, but at one point we stumbled onto talking about me being very pale skinned, and me trying to explain how easily I burn in the sun.  Groping for words to enrich their vocabulary, I just gave up and said "delicate", which raised a fire store of interest.  After explaining all the meanings that I could think of, I finally wound down with explaining that we also use that word for ladies underwear, slips and the like.  Still flailing about I finally asked them if they noticed it on the washer cycles.  They all had and wondered what it meant!  So, not only did they learn a new word, but increased their washer knowledge as well.  lol lol lol

At the end of the class they all told me they had a great time, and will be back!  Yay!!!!  They were all fun, and had interesting stories, well except for the Chinese lady, she was basically an observer rather than a participant, and it wasnt due to her language skills, she was pretty good but just shy, I hope....

Now I'm off to find an amulet to keep me safe from the dragon.

Coming Out Questions

Between the volunteer work at the library and the beer/book club, I am slowly but surely gathering friends.  I find myself at a cross roads of a sort.

 Do I continue to live a life in the closet, or do I crack that door open out here in the real world?

What about at "work" in the library?

When should I come out to my friends?

I have already slipped several times and referred to myself using male pronouns, used King of the World rather than Queen.  The longer I'm away from the multi connection town in Alaska, the freer/looser my tongue becomes.

I would like to stop hiding, but am needing some help/advice with this please.

Conversations, volunteer style

A few days ago, I received an email from one of the many people in charge of programs at the library.  She wanted to know if I were interested in "Table Talk", and if I were to come in and have a chat.  Now, I've heard some scuttlebutt about Table Talk but not much actual info. After walking about the rabbit warren of offices on the top floor, I finally just gave up and asked someone for "Beckie's" office.  LOL I had walked right past it!  Her name was second on the placard, and much smaller, and yeah basically I'm blind.  After a nice chat, she gave me a choice of times to go and observe an actual meeting to see if I'd be interested in facilitating my own group.  We set up a date for today, and gave me a worksheet to take notes on, that I promptly forgot to print out until moments before the class, but jotted down her questions in a notebook, so was good to go.  

Table talk is for non-native english speakers who struggle with conversational english.  The group is organized very loosely, this isnt a class to learn english in, but a way in improve speaking skills.  Today we talked about climate change, and what we as individuals can do about it.  The facilitators walk around and listen in to the conversations, and help out by correcting pronunciations, and plurals, and the like.  Asian languages dont use plurals, so for them, its a tricky thing, and then you add in the words where the word itself is altered to show multiples, tis quite tricky really if you stop to think on it, add in our english grammar quirks, and that makes it tricky for people to learn.

It was a full class today, 17, we were our own little United Nations, with people from: Mexico, Spain, India, Korea, Iran, Sudan, Taiwan, Hong Kong, Japan, Egypt and the Ivory Coast!!  Some had been here quite a while, the longest was 11 years, but she was surrounded by people who spoke her native language, so her english was slow to grow, and the newest only 4 months!  She was very uncertain of herself at first, but settled right down and seemed to enjoy the class.   To get things rolling, and help break the ice a bit, we all took turns introducing ourselves, that was a very interesting part of the class for me to understand where they are in their lives.  

I'm excited now to start working with my own group!  What I find interesting is the exchange of cultures that occurred in class.  They learn about our culture while improving their english skills, and I learned about their cultures.  In my books thats a solid win/win/win!  

After my class gets going, I'll only have three days a week where I don't volunteer at the library, no shift is more than 3 hours though.  But still, I'm out and about, meeting interesting people, doing needful work, and having a great time doing it.  The cherry on the sundae is that I now have a friend to go and do stuff with. 

Whew!

Hey y'all, tis been crazy busy busy of late.  My phone's calendar went from virtually empty to stuffed full, leaving me when I finally drag thru the door exhausted and only wanting to watch tv or read.  I'm so not complaining however, its super nice to be out and about for more than shopping for food or yarn.

I volunteer at the local library several days a week, but these last 10 days have been on hyper drive as their annual book sale has been in full swing.  Increased hours is one effect, however due to the fact that I'm around 20-ish years younger than the average volunteer, I do get a lot of the grunt work of moving heavy boxes and whatnot.  Not complaining, just saying.

The beer and book club meet this week, at a much quieter location.  Noisy enough not to feel constrained, but quiet enough that we didnt have to shout to our neighbor to make ourselves heard, which is not really conductive for talking about books.  One funny thing that happened at the meeting is that the one person who lobbied hard for reading Ender's Game didnt finish the book, thought it was "spoon fed tripe".  Which most of us found weird, but out of the 20+ people in the group he is really the odd duck. This time we have picked World War Z, which has been turned into a movie, as has Ender's Game.  It was the joke of the evening that we can only read books that are going to be movies.

As the meeting started winding down, the bar began a trivia game, there were only 5 of us left and we were having fun answering the questions for the first 3 rounds.  And then we were 3, and we decided what the heck, lets play too!  Yeah, we came in at last place, but scored above some teams that had played from the get go!  The up shot is, this coming Tuesday will find me at the bar again with my two new buddies playing trivia.

There were two other groups playing trivia in the back room where we were, and one group was having a good time chatting with us.  Lots of good natured bantering back and forth, the other table was more into smack talk, but then they didnt do so well either, and as the night went on, they got more surly until they gave up and just started having fun.  The "leader" of the fun group told me if my two new buddies dont show up next week, sit with them!  Sure they want me for my trivia stuffed brain, but who knows they might become friends as well.

Still knitting like a crazed person on future daughter-in-law's sweater.  Its a fun knit, and I have the lace pattern memorized now, which makes the knitting much faster.  Two sleeves down, the back about 1/3 done.  Next up, the two front pieces and the front edging.  w00t!!!  When my brain is to tired to do lace work, I work on my much simpler sweater, no thinking involved, just plain stockinette work.

Ok, off to a doctor's appointment, catch y'all later!

snips

hey y'all, its been a while between posts, or even reading your blogs, sorry.

two weeks before xmas, i caught the arizona version of the flu from hell.  laid in bed coughing and sneezing and feverish.  missed loads of time at the library, missed going to see "the hobbit' with the movie bears, missed loads of stuff.  started to feel a bit better and then it was time to

head home to alaska for xmas.  got off the plane at -44.  it was so cold that the jetways were all frozen and we had to sit at the gate until they could find a gate that would work.  finally one of the six decided to level out so a tug came and pushed/pulled us to that gate.

it was super nice to be with TH again.  2nd son and his wife came by.  talked to youngest on the phone several different nights as he drove home from work.  and then we went over to his house for thai food and pictures of their vacation in italy.  what a wonderful night that was, but i did feel sorry for youngest, as us being there meant that he had to go with a shortened sleep cycle.  he is working 14 hour days 6 days a week, he is one tired guy.

we did "xmas" dinner at a restaurant. 2nd son and his wife didnt come up for the holiday.  but the other boys did come, including eldest who brought the grand baby.  and it was clear that he didnt really want to be there.  i have no idea why he even said he would come if he really didnt want to be there with us all.  and no, it wasnt just TH and I he didnt mesh well with, he also didnt talk much with son #3, or his aunt, TH's sister.  so idk what's up with him, and at this point in time, am getting to the point where i could care less.

flew back to az on a warm alaskan evening, 10 above at home!  w00t!  to come back to an empty house.  no TH, no one to talk to, alone again.

my battle with depression/grief is ongoing to the point where i'm thinking of going to either a therapist or an acupuncturist.  yes, acupuncture does help with grief, ive used it before, and it helped center my emotions.

thanks for listening,
biki

Getting social

I've been very lonely this time, the adventure portion of the program has passed, and now tis just daily living.  Volunteering has helped quite a bit, at least it gets me out of the house everyday, and gives me something else to think about, and there are people to chat with, so thats helpful.  However, I wanted someone(s) to be able to go and hang out with, but where to meet people on the quick?  A co-worker told me about meetup.com and how they have groups for everything under the sun.  Sure enough!  There are groups for everything and anything you could think of.  

I signed up for two groups.  One is the movie bears, and my first meeting with them will be this Saturday, and tonight was my first meeting with the books and beer crowd.  This was the inaugural meet up, so that helped quell my nerves a lot.  Knowing that no one knew each other either, made it much easier for me.  It can be hard to break into a long term group, due to the clique factor.

About 24 people showed up, which by anyone's yard stick is a win!  It was a bit slow at the beginning, but then people warmed up and started chatting with each other.  The only down side to the entire night, was that it was so loud in the restaurant, it was quite hard to hear some of the people.  After a while, most of us got up and sat next to a different group of people, yes I did so as well.  Did a really good job of being forward and squashing my usual tendency to be shy.  

Usually, whenever I'm out of my comfort zone, I have to dress as boy as possible.  Often if the occasion calls for me to be full on girl, its a total nightmare emotionally.  Today?  I went as a girl, wore jeans and a black thermal girls henley, not uber girl, but within my comfort zone.  I just decided to man up and be the fuck brave, and go for it.  I did darken my eyebrows a lot, and used the same pencil to do a guy liner look.  And? I went to work like that.  I'm thinking I like looking unusual, after xmas, it just might be time to go look for some clothes for that unconventional look that makes me feel less fractured and more me.

And yeah, I didnt make a fake scar......

We picked the book "Enders Game".  Which is an ok book an all, but really I dont want to give that lgbt hater my money!  So, I'll be checking the book out of the library, dontcha know.  Our next meeting isnt until January, boo!  But at least I have something to look forward to, and there is xmas and new years in there sucking up time from people's schedules.

The First Week

Last Friday, I had a brief orientation with "Ben" who is in charge of the volunteers for circulation services at the library.  Then after a few times of me following his motions he took off telling me that he'd be back in a few minutes, leaving me alone with the radio tagging machine.  Things went smoothly, and until the end of the year when all the books in the library are tagged, this will be my job 3 days a week.  What needs to be done, is that every book, audio book, cd, dvd needs to be removed from its home on the shelf and checked to see what radio tag already is attached to the material, if its an old one, then the bar code is scanned prompting a green light to blink of the blue gizmo, changing its frequency to that of the bar code of the material.  The tag is pulled off the tape, attached to the inside of the item, and replaced home.  Repeat until library is done!  To most it would sound boring, but for some stupid reason, I adore doing tasks like this.  Happy as a pig in mud.

                                     Here is Mr. Machine in all his glory.

The other two days a week of "work" at the library are less enjoyable.  I work 3 hour shifts in the snack/gift shop ran by the Friends of the Library.  There are 3 full time employees and the rest of the time if filled out with volunteers.  At first the cash register was a total fear factor experience, but with practice the fear is receding.  However......sigh, tis way beyond boring most of the time.  I dusted thoroughly my first day, taking gift items off the shelves and dusting the shelf and the items, then replacing everything nice and neat, straightened up the used books for sale, then loads of nothing to do again.  The next day was even worse, as nothing needed dusting or straightening up, except for ringing stuff up on the register, there was nothing to do.

The ladies I worked with both days are nice an all, but there is a huge drawback, hugs.  No matter what the fresh hells I do, it prompts a hug from them!  Oh! Welcome to work today!  HUG   Great job ringing up that sale! HUG  sigh  I dont mind being hugged, but they are way to touchy feely for me, and just having met them, its way to soon for me to want to be hugged.  Hugs to me are very personal, and an expression of affection, not some social "grease" that most women seem to view hugs.

Its been a while since I worked with an entirely female staff, I forgot all the back biting, the current of frisson running hidden from casual view that occurs.  On the surface tis all smiles and friendliness, only to have a sharp comment leveled at the other woman's back as she leaves.  Eventually, I'll be asked to take sides, an unhappy thought indeed.

Not going to bail on the snack/gift shop as of yet, but if things dont improve in the next few weeks, I'm going to go to the lady in charge of all the volunteers and request to be moved to a new area.  She told all of us at the orientation meeting that it might take a few departments to find a good fit, and it looks like the snack/gift shop might not be mine.

Curry Crazed Me

Curry.....the very name conjures up bowls of spicy seductive delightfulness.  The country of origin doenst matter, all curries are welcome in my bowl.  I'm not alone in my obsession with curry either.  There is a Japanese manga "Addicted to Curry" there is an interesting story line and each volume has at least one curry recipe.  After a few volumes the story line became stale and I stopped reading it, but some of the curry recipes sounded so tasty I wanted to try them.  To do so I need to buy a scale and find some japanese measuring spoons and whatnot as when they translated this manga they didnt translate the recipes, except for the ingredients.  I read this manga online, translated by students learning either english or japanese, and they didnt want to convert the recipes, not that I blame them!

I tend to eat Indian curry out, so far I havent attempted to make it.  Hmm, note to self, get Indian cookbook an attempt their curry!  I make Thai curry at home all the time, however I do use the "cheat" of using the curry jar.  Thai curry is a hurry up dinner for me.

After I got back from my big Twin Cities trip, the hankering for some Japanese curry became to much to deal with.  Back in the days when our Japanese daughter-in-law and son lived with us, she made curry often, but used the curry blocks for the thickening and flavoring.

It was good, and I have access to the blocks here, but for some reason wanted to tackle it from scratch.  Japanese curry is more of a stew than a traditional curry, but mega tasty!  After a visit to my go to japanese food site, and a trip to 3 stores to get everything that I needed the next day was curry day!

Started with sweating 6 large onions, and ended with stirring the roux into the mix, total time?  Hmm, give or take about 4 hours.  I modified the recipe a bit by adding in 2 dried chili pods, as japanese curry is quite mild, heat wise and I wanted a bite to mine.   The next afternoon I came home from the library and was shocked that the house smelled so strongly of curry!  I sure hope my neighbors couldnt smell it!

My freezer is home to 5 containers of curry gold, just there waiting for me to gobble it up!

push push love

The thanksgiving visit with 2nd son and his wife went well.  It was nice not to be hurried and just have time to reconnect.  TH and I had a good visit, it was to short, much much to short, but good.  We talked about some things that has been a sore point with the both of us, and some things were well sorted, others?  Yeah, well there is always tomorrow, yeah?

Looking for something interesting to do on Friday, we all agreed Thursday night to head over to the Minneapolis Art Institute to see the Terra Cotta Warriors!!  I didnt know that China allowed them to tour the world, score!  Great excitement filled the car as we zoomed towards the museum, only to turn the corner 4! blocks away to see the traffic backed up to a complete stop.  We inched our way to the next cross street only to see the the same on that street as well.  Our great idea looked to be the popular go to idea for everyone else in the twin cities!

Our hopes dashed, 2nd son, laughed and said, "I have a great idea what to do, and the best thing is I havent been there either!"  A few minutes later, we parked in front of the Mill City Museum.  If you find yourself in Minneapolis one thing on your list of cool things to do is to see this museum.  The trip up to the top floor area is amazing in that the voices you hear are the people who used to work at the mill.  For decades Minneapolis ground more wheat into flour than any other place on earth.  What closed down the mills was electricity, they no longer needed to power the mills from water.  Now our mills are scattered around the wheat growing areas.   In the late 1990's a fire broke out in the mill and the museum tower is the only original part of the mill that is left.

What views from the observation deck!

2nd son's wife had to get back to university she had more research to do, she left Saturday afternoon,   TH left on Saturday night so he could get some sleep for work Sunday night, it was a day of leave taking.  Sunday 2nd son and I had a great visit until it was time for him to toss me onto my plane that evening.  Once we were alone, the questions began, he was grilling me to see what the truth really is of TH and I living apart.  There is still some residual poison left over from all of DIL's lies she spread, but I think he understands the truth of it now, and no longer thinks that TH and I are calling it quits.

Friday I finally got on the volunteer book at the library!  I work at one area or another every day Monday thru Friday!  I'm excited to finally have something besides knitting and books to take up my time.  oh wait!  books.....ok so I'm not at home alone reading, yeah?  LOL  The funny thing though as I was retagging books in the stacks, I kept finding books that looked interesting....and so I used my phone to snap photos of the books to keep in mind for laters.

Ive joined a few groups.  One is a movie night hosted by the local bears group.  The really cool thing about this group is they take anyone, of any lgbt-ness and str8 people as well.  Each movie night includes some sort of meet and greet, as the purpose is to see a good movie and make friends.  They are having a meeting at 9am the first day The Hobbit is released, and lunch afterward.  So that should be fun.

Also joined a beer and book club, my first meeting is Tuesday night.  This meeting has several pluses going for it.  Distance - 2 miles from my house, Time - 30 minutes after work, I can browse the shops in the area until its time to attend the meeting, and is honestly one block from the library.  Now all I need to do is to find a good title to suggest.  wait..I am back at books again...yeah anyway........

Knitted myself a new hat for the twin cities trip, as I know its cold and windy there.  The pattern name is called Worm as you can plainly see why.

Wagons, ho!

I'm at the airport waiting for my flight to Saint Paul to meet up with TH and 2nd son and his wife. 2nd son has the entire time off, but  his Wife won't arrive until Thursday afternoon. She is a grad student and a TA, she is one busy girl.   

Luckily we don't have any thing planned except eating turkey dinner with some friends of 2nd son. Which is the best way to visit if you ask me. 

Due to their postage stamp sized home, TH and I are bunking at a local hotel. Which is good, less chances of friction due to not having any personal space and time. 

I'm still battling my depression, I'm hoping that this trip to loved ones will snap this cycle.  I took a page from R.J. and bought The Sims 3 game. It really does help with depression. Your mind is to busy to focus on personal issues, it's a ton of fun.  In a odd slightly confused and overworked way. 

See ya in a few days!

http://diaryofajavanista.blogspot.com

Fetters

Hey, I didn't mean to scare y'all.  No matter how depressed I get, there will be no suicide attempts, and that is a solid gold promise.  I intend to see this life out, no matter where it leads me, no early out tickets for me.

For some unknown reason however, when I get very depressed all of my old self destructive habits come rushing in at me screaming at me to fall into those deceptively soft arms.  So, an embargo on beer until those shrill voices shut the fuck up and let me be.  Drink was a false mistress that lead me far from shore as a teen, and I still fight the desire to drink when life gets shitty.

What led me to that dark path?  I hesitate to tell you, it sounds so stupid, so mundane, and yet for me holds so much angst and pain. 

 

                                   Shopping for clothing. 

I don't notice/see/pay attention to my reflection, ever.   When I do look in the mirror it isnt ME that I see.  The mirror however is unavoidable when one is shopping for clothing, and yes, I did need clothes, mine were looking old and worn.  

As for the id10t remark?  Yeah, I am an idiot for being such a gutless person, for being a door mat to others, for not being brave enough to live for myself.    

I fear hurting my beloved TH and boys.

stupid whiny me

i can't live like this any longer.   people only see a girl, but i'm not. i'm not a girl.

i'm an invisible guy.  an imaginary man.  an illusion in my head.

what i am is          

                       afraid 

afraid of losing TH, but he hasnt changed his mind, i change, he's gone gone gone


my sons who i love to death? who the fuck knows for sure what lurks in their dark spaces.

i just want this to all go away, to be whole.

what a fucking id10t i am

Break Me, Shake Me (Down No more)

As y'all know, I'm not a huge watcher of tv.  Oh, I have my must watch shows, Mythbusters, any and all Project Runways, Futurama's, Bob's Burgers, Robot Chicken, Modern Family, Suburgatory.  However, I have been known to go a week without turning the tv on, especially if I'm in a reading phase and not a knitting phase.  I knit to tv, it keeps me focused on both.  Yes, yes, I do have the attention span at times of a 4 year old, thanks for pointing that out.

A week ago my cable/internet bill came.  Oh my!  $138.00 for both?  How much of that was the tv?  Looking, pulling out phone to add up the list of items.....78$!!!  Holy Hannah on Crack!

This will not do.  Not do at all.

I looked up Netflicks, and Hulu Prime.  Hmm, Hulu has way way way more tv content, AND movies. They were offering a free week trial, ok lets try that!  The next day I woke up feeling like crud...no no dont feel sorry for me, twas my own damned fault, I ate some egg rolls that had chicken in them, and I'm allergic to chicken. Stupid, stupid me.  Sigh... So, it was the perfect day to sit and knit and watch tv.

Does any one remember The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show?  They have it!  Watched an episode of Modern Family I missed this season.  A fantastic movie, "An Ordinary Family".  Tracy Takes on... and many others.  All for the low low price of $7.99!

The only down side to this arrangement is that I  cant figure out how to watch the NFL, but without TH to watch it with me, its just not as fun.

Today, the DVR went for a ride in George and was returned to the cable store.  And now I have an entire 70$ more a month to spend on books!  Yarn!

I've broken the chains binding me to cable, and couldnt be happier!

Of knitting, learning and finding a friend

The knitting conference was interesting, for the most part everyone was respectful of others abilities, of course there had to be a few sour grapes, luckily I only ran into a few of them.  The better teachers kept these knitters in line, held them back and made them wait until everyone had arrived at the end of that step so everyone could begin the new row/technique at the same time.  And really, if you think about it, it does make it easier for the teacher to keep all of the student attempting the same thing together.  No having to muck about to decide where student is, and just what you have done to get things that fouled up.

It really surprised me how exhausting knitting can be!  After a really hard and tricky class, my entire body was worn out, to say nothing of the brain cells.  A lot of it's due, I'm sure to being tensed up for 3 hours, trying hard to winkle out how to do what they are attempting to teach us.  Compounding that was temperature of the class rooms.  While I know I need a higher temperature to function, yes I am a reptile!, everyone was bundled up.  At one point I had on a undershirt, a long sleeved t-shirt, a thin sweater and a thermal top, with a scarf wound around my neck, and my coat over my legs.  I was wishing that I had of brought some of my heavier hoodies and sweaters.

Over the course of 4 days I took 9 classes.  Some of which weren't to hard, it was just learning the basics and then practice practice practice.  Carnegie Hall here I come!  What?? Grandmother always told me no one got to Carnegie without practice!

Every class came with some sort of hand outs.  Some will be carefully placed into sleeves and placed in my knitting binder, others? Yeah, they wont be saved.

What were the coolest thing(s) I learned?  Hmmm.....How about knitting two socks, at the same time, on the same needles, one within the other?  They have been referred to "War and Peace" socks, due to Tolstoy mentioning them.  That was without a doubt AMAZING!  I'm going to be buying some sock yarn and give it a go!  After the whole ribbing on the top half, its not that tricky either, weirdly enough.

Knitting plaid.  Yeah, that is going to take some pre-planning to get it to work our right, but I think that this is something doable.  The trick is, at least I think so, is to decide what colors go in what order, and then going for it.  My learning piece is rather small, but its starting to look like my favorite color, plaid!

Wire knitting.  That was lots of fun, hard on the fingers tugging, tugging, tugging on something that isnt exactly finger friendly.  I can see many christmas gifts using this technique. This isnt what I was supposed to produce, but I liked the bangle idea better.

Putting zips into sweaters.  Second son wants a sweater from me, with a zip naturally, something that I didnt know how to do before this class, and quite honestly was afraid of.  But after a brief explanation, BOOM! it all makes perfect sense.

I sat next to loads if different ladies, enjoyed some very interesting chats, which is nice as knitting is more or less a solitary activity.  One lady from Canada is the sweetest person you could ever think to meet.  We had quite a lot in common, she wanted to exchange email addys, but before we did, I came out to her.  I'm tired of hiding who I am, and if a new friendship is in the making, I want it to be on a truthful footing.  She was very accepting of me, I hope to find a way to meet up with her in person again.  She is a treasure indeed. 

Knit, Knit, Knit.......

Tomorrow I fly out to California for a few days of non-stop knitting.  I've signed up for 9 classes running from intriguing, Knitting with Wire! to the tricky tricky of using Japanese Stitch Dictionaries.


Way, way....WAY back in the day, I was on an extended visit with my maternal Grandmother Rose.  While there are many things we had in common, there were a few that was hard for my grandmother to deal with.
1. loads of energy
2. chatterbox
3. couldnt sit still
4. nonstop talking
5. nonstop asking of questions
6-infinity. I think you get the picture

In an effort to hush me up and make me sit still Grandmother used a number of interesting techniques, some more successful than others.  At long last she hit upon a winning combo, if my mind was fully engaged in learning/mastering something, the movement and chatter ceased, the trick was to make it interesting enough for me to stick to it.  Making bread was one of them.  Shelling peas, those tricky little bastards, rolling over the kitchen floor, gah! I'll get you in the bowl yet!

Then one day, grandmother sat me down and told me she was going to teach me how to knit!

                       Knit????

I had no clue as to what she was talking about.  She sat down in her rocker, pulled the wee stool in front of her, patted the top and I began watching her knit.  After a bit, she pulled it all out, it was just like magic how it unraveled.  I was amazed at the stitches unzipping.  She cast a few stitches back onto the needles, handed it to me, and said, "There you go."

 I struggled and fought with those needles!  Grrrr! That stupid yarn!  Now I was, ahem a wee bit on the stubborn side, and refused to give up.  Grandmother had to keep pulling it out and starting me over again, once she had to take the scissors to the wool, it was in such a muddle.

However, I sat still.  Unless things got into an extreme muddle, no words fell from my mouth.  I was addicted to figuring out how to make this "knitting" thing work.  The weekend came, and friday was always cake day.  Due to her uncertain oven, it had wobbly feet, and my tendency to jump, hop and leap about, once the cake hit the oven I was banished to the yard.  Usually I ran around the yard yelling like banshees were out and about with intent to kill.  Not this friday, my knitting came with me to the picnic table under the apple tree.  I sat cross legged on the table and fought with the yarn and needles.

Papa came home from the train yard, and came over to see if I was ok.  "Are you ok baby girl?  You're awful quiet there."
"Yeah Papa, I'm working on this knitting."

When grandmother passed away, she had only taught me the knit stitch.  My Uncle Choo-Choo taught me the purl stitch, and my struggle with the needles and yarn continued.  High school arrived and I forgot all about knitting, other things had filled my view, like BOYS and SEX!

Then I moved to Alaska, and there was nothing to do.  No tv to watch, a library that had a very limited selection, I began to slowly go crazy.  Until an older lady in the town told me I needed a hobby or I would go bat shit nuts in the long dark months of winter.  I began to knit again, not always very successfully, but happily none the less.

My skills remained that of a beginner, until I found the most marvelous place to find knitting videos, youtube.  And my skills improved like greased lightening, as did my love  of knitting.  I cant wait to get there and get knitting.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your needles!  And their...........off!

that is all, breckenridge.

leaping hearts

After talking to TH this morning while he was on his way home from work, I sat down to answer a few emails.  Sitting there typing away, I heard the air conditioner next door kick on, and for a brief shining moment......................................I thought it was the garage door opening up and my heart leaped up!

TH is home!!!  
                         TH is HOME!!!
                                                     TH IS HOME!!!!

only to then remember where the fuck i am.





damn do i miss him



damn