Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I'm just a painting that's still wet.....

So, yeah now you know.... sorta, kinda.  It is very hard to really explain how it feels to know you are different, and not really have the ability to express it others.  Why can't I express it to you clearly?  Because I have no experience as anything else than what I am, and you only have experience as to what you are.  

I have been told, "What's the big deal? You're just a tom boy."  Umm, no tis so much more than the enjoyment of participating in masculine activities.  It isn't a physical expression, but a mental one.

"That's just weird!"  Sigh.  That one?  Yeah, that one hurts, quite sharply actually. Don't you think I know it's weird to not be any one gender?  To know that I don't 'fit' in?  And, to know that I'll always feel some sense of alienation by people of the same sex as my self?

To clear things up, here is a handy way of looking at the difference between sex and gender.  Sex? Basically it's what's between your legs.  And gender?  It's what's between your ears.

Technically?  I am a transgendered person.  This is what wikipedia has to say about transgender. "It's a general term applied to a variety of individuals, behaviors, and groups involving tendencies to diverge from the normative gender roles.  It's the state of one's 'gender identity'.  A self-identification as woman, man or neither."  Does that mean that I chose this gender identity?  No, what it means is that for some reason, people like me don't take our gender identities from our sex.

How long have I felt this way?  As long as I can remember..... I don't ever remember looking at any female, ever and thinking that I wanted to look like or to be like them.  It was always males that I wanted to look like, act like, to be.  Tough, cool, and oozing maleness....

It has always..... pinched, itched, didn't fit/feel right to be identified as female/woman..... never been comfortable marking that box.  Chick is about the only female word that I am comfortable with.  Do I use she?  Yeah, am cool with she, her, etc.

Until a short time ago, I had never met anyone who was like me, at least not knowingly.  And finding this new friend has allowed me to talk to someone who truly understands what I feel.  And he has been educating me, holding my hand and helping me come to terms with it.  What his friendship has meant to me, is beyond words.  I'm not sure that I have ever met a sweeter kinder gentler person, ever.  There isn't enough words to ever express what he means to me.  My kk lol ;-p  friend.

For years, I just let it lay in me, occasionally it would bubble up to the surface and I would feel so....... stifled by my sex and without an outlet for my gender, it would lead to bouts of short temper and depression, and tears.

Does T.H. know?  Yeah, he does.  Understand?  Not really, but how can he?  When I would be upset and rather manic about it, his only response, which didn't help at the time, but was the only way he knew how to 'fix' it was to tell me over and over that he loves me just as I am, and wouldn't change anything about me, and that he loves, loves, loves me.  And how much more can I want?  Nothing.

This post title?  It's a lyric from the song "Leave a Scar" by Marilyn Manson.  Why did I choose this as my title?  Because, at some level, I feel unfinished, waiting for some undefinable something...... So, I am still in the process of learning to be me.  Learning what it means to BE me.  Learning, well me.


  1. Again, well said.
    And, yes, it is confusing because so many people think gender is what's between your legs, and if your gender is technically female, yet you feel more masculine then you must be a lesbian.
    Well, it isn't that cut-and-dry, as you've shown us with this post and the last.
    I don't fully understand, but I think you take people as they are, and you understand that we are all different, and it isn't good or bad or wrong or right, it's just different.
    As I said, growing up gay I was called all sorts of nasty names--sissy....fruit....girly-boy....fag--yet I awlays knew I was male, and masculine, but attracted to the same sex.
    So, that isn't a gender identity issue. It's a sexual orientation issue. And your gender indentity issues are not sexual orientation issues.
    It must be difficulkt feeling like the shell doesn't fit how you feel, and I hope you can talk to more peole and understand it better and decide what is the best route for you.
    I heard Chaz Bono say on TV a few weeks back that gender is between your ears, not your legs, and I think that sums it up nicely.
    Having a penis doesn't make you a male, nor does a vagina make you female.
    I am so glad you're having this discussion.


  2. I'll have to be honest with..., totally honest. I still don't get it. But I do sorta understand where you are coming from. To tell you the truth these two posts have made me understand that more and more.

    I know you feel this way, but because I have no common point of reference, I can't get any further than that understanding. To the term "Androgynous" was always simply external..., I never once stopped to consider the emotional or mental side of it.

    For that I am very sorry..., you know what I mean?


  3. Biki I wanted to post something, partly because I wanted to full fill my promise to you that I would comment on your blog tonight.

    Sadly, it is now morning here (1:41 AM) and i am incredibly sleepy. I just spent the last 4 hours at the theatre watching AVATAR and I am mindlessly rambling right now.

    That said, I really do appreciate your writings. I read through this, I do not know if I will remember it in the morning, but none the less, when I wake I will be catching up on your blog exclusively before work.

    I just wanted you to know, until I can comment on your actual writings, that I do love you, you are a wonderful person, mother and friend and I will be eternally jelous of your children that they get YOU as their mother!

    Be blessed and I will talk to you soon!

    Lots of love and a much overdue hug,

  4. Being a scientist, I know what androgynous means biologically, but behaviourally, its the first time I read something about it and I must really thank you for opening everyone's eyes into an issue that affects quite a number of people - not just androgynous, but transgender. What you're doing is educating people through sharing a deep story of yourself.

    And I really really really commend you and have high respect for you for sharing such a personal story, Biki. It's very very courageous of you!

  5. Biki, this is a great discussion. Gender is one of those things that people get completely hung up and confused about, all they can understand is the dick=male vagina=female aspect.

    I get really pissed off with people who assume that because a girl has a strong male side or a man has a strong female side they must be candidates for surgery!

    The trouble with androgyny is that it's become a totally devalued word thanks to the media using it to describe anyone who doesn't quite fit a gender stereotype.


  6. Hey Biki -

    Sorry I'm late to the party here. Great posts. Thanks for sharing everything. I know that must have been difficult.

    Great job explaining everything. I've learned a lot here.