Tuesday, December 29, 2009

androgynous me

So yesterdays post, was a keeping everyone at arms length way of talking about me....   I have been slowly telling people in blogland, and sometimes it is just very hard to get people to understand what it really means, to be androgynous.  And how it has made me feel..... different my whole life.

Did you know there are actually four components of gender?  Identity, presentation, performance, and role.  Gender identity concerns how you think about yourself.  Presentation describes how you look.  Performance is how you act.  Role is what you do for a living, and domestically.  The last three is gender expression, which is external.  Identity is internal, how you feel.

Gender should not be thought of as binary construct, because everyone is a blend of both masculine and feminine traits.  Some of express more from one end of the continuum, some are more blended, and some like me are in the middle.  Neither quite female nor quite male, but somewhere in the middle, but for the most part I lean more towards the male side.

I had two dolls that I loved to death,  Suzy and Scotchy.  Suzy was a baby, and she was fairly small.  Scotchy was a toddler type of doll, and I loved him to death.  But, to me?  They weren't dolls, but my babies, and every day I would wash their faces, and change their dresses.  Yes, Scotchy was a boy, but he wore a dress.

My favorite toys though were cars of all sorts, mud, the woods and my bike. I loved climbing trees, jumping the fence to get away from the cows that we had riled up.  We loved to throw cow patties at each other!  My aunt hated it, made us stink like you wouldn't believe, cause we didn't always use the dried ones.....

In high school there was no dress codes, unlike in junior high.  Needing school clothing I started looking at the clothing, and nothing seemed right to me at all.  To flowery, to frilly, to pink (shudder), and then I found a cool tee shirt.  Had a graphic design on it, in shades of black and grey.  I tried it on, and it fit perfectly!  So, back to that area again and started picking up shirts and pants, and everything not only fit my outsides, but made me happy as to what I looked like in them.  They were all boys clothing.  In fact I saw several of my shirts on guys at school.  And everyday was happy to get dressed, unlike in previous years.  I ended up getting boy tennis shoes and several jackets.

This was a bad time period for me at home, and I was drinking quite heavily.  There were several times, I allowed guys that I had just met to take me home with them.  Yeah, home.  I usually dated out of high school aged guys.  And several of them, were surprised as hell that I was a girl, when they got my clothing off.  Some of them got my clothes back on just as fast, and others, well.......  The one thing this group of guys all said, was that I didn't seem or act like a girl.  And I took that to be a compliment.

Through out all of my years of school, including my year of college, I have been severely bullied by girls.  I have no idea why they don't like me, maybe they sense the difference in me?  I don't make friends very easily with women, and the few that I have had, all have turned on me, in a very cruel and unnecessary manner.  To be honest?  I don't understand women at all!  They for the most part are a complete and total mystery.

Most of my true friends have always been male, always.  I understand guys, they make sense to me.  And when I am with guys?  I am at ease, and my full personality comes blooming forth.  I am relaxed and happy, and that is a very unusual state for me to be around women.  After knowing me a little bit, most all guys tell me that I am not like any other woman they have ever met.  They say I make sense, and why can't all women act like me.  Maybe because I'm not fully a woman?

The only full on female part of me?  Is being a mom.  And yes, I know guys can be very nurturing, but honestly?  I think those men, have a great amount of female in them.  I love and cherish my job as a mom.  It is the most important thing I have ever done or will ever do.  And funnily enough?  All the boys have told me that I am not a woman!  And then they feel the need to fix it up, thinking they have hurt my feelings, and they add, your just mom to us.

Do I hate my body?  For the most part no.  I out grew that when I had my first baby.  I came to love my female body at that point, and was totally awed and amazed at the wonder of growing a new life inside of me.  Before?  Yeah, I was never fully comfortable in my body, it always felt not wrong, but not right either.

So, that is me.

8 comments:

  1. Wow, thanks for sharing that. so brave, I think, because society is very much a put-everyone-in-a-slot system and we all don't fit into slots.
    I have always been fascinated by gender roles and identity, because, I suppose, as a gay man, when i was younger, I was always called girlie and sissy because I didn't fit the boy Niche.
    Carlos and I have had long discussions about gender issues--we talked for days about the pregnant man, and most recently about Chaz Bono. i've tried to get him to see it more clearly, and I think this post of yours will do the trick.
    Love the discussion.

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  2. You know funny thing about society is it changes. I know not always for the better. But I dream of the day, when differences doesn't matter! We people are treated humanane and not punish for them. I am amazed and in awe how you are able to take your expiences and overcome them. Then reach out and bring them to life. So others have a better understanding. I really hope that this post changes people views on gender issues. It made me look at it differently. Kids have to be allow to role play and be able to idenify with themselfs, with really no gender adjustment from adults around them. It a must for your kids to become a happy adult. Society still has a long way to go on this issue. Love this Post very powerful dead on. Love Lee

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  3. Sorry no lengthy comment from me

    I just want to say I too don't get women hince me being gay lol

    But to the serious part of your post. We had an article in our school paper about gender identity and how it's not cut dry male and female and I think in society that is hard to understand

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  4. Thanks so much for finding the courage to share this. I don't see any dichotomy between your 'boyish' persona and your nurturing maternal side, both of these can be facets of an integrated person.

    From my early teens I got a lot of girlie type insults because I was rubbish at sports and didn't fit the rough & tumble boy image that everyone expected. I couldn't understand why being a sensitive caring 13 year old made me a sissy but that was how society saw me then.

    One man even asked me if I thought I'd been 'born wrong', being so submissive, to which I indignantly replied No, I couldn't even begin to imagine life without a dick!

    Love
    Mac

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  5. TY for sharing... it was very brave of you.

    I think the most important thing in life is to love yourself for who you are and have people around you who will accept that...

    You are a special person and I am glad you showed up in blogworld and in my life...

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  6. oh wow, thanks for sharing that! that was a great post about yourself :) I guess as for me I think all 4 parts of my 'gender' was mostly male. I always felt that i was a boy, acted like a boy, did things that represented the role of a boy -- the only 'girly' thing about me was that when I was a kid, I stuck with mom a lot. I was mommy's boy, that sorta thing.

    But it's really cool how you seem to be attached to guys more. As a gay guy myself sometimes people expect me to 'get along with girls' way more than with guys, but that's so untrue. I can get along with just about everyone, or at least I'm hoping I do!

    But yeah -- other than that I grew up mostly as just a boy. I liked planes and dinosaurs and boyish stuff.

    I guess that makes me pretty much 'normal', haha. Not particularly unique!

    Take care

    Ron

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  7. If I'm completely honest, I don't get women either, despite definitely being one, inside and out...hence I rarely understand myself. Perhaps I shall as I grow? I have barely seen the world yet, and I find myself confusing...guys are so much simpler and more open! I identify with them far more xx

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