Lets see, now where was I?

While we made fun of her, and mocked her relentlessly, our drive without her would have come at the cost of many more arguments about where to turn....  So, to our unsung hero, I tip my drink to my gps "wife".    While TH knew which highways to travel, he didnt know the cities and towns along the way, and thats where the "wife" was invaluable, she led us unerringly to unfamiliar hotels, and restaurants.

When TH travels he just sticks to whatever is available alongside the highways, which led to our one and only fight when he refused to take the off ramp to a town that was 4 miles off the road, so I could use a washroom. His refusal to deviate from the highway for a measly 8 miles caused a sudden chill in otherwise happy trails.  I'm embarrassed to admit how long it took things to thaw out afterwards.

For Bob who mentioned the fire at Yellowstone years ago, the park is recovering nicely.  The saplings are thick as grass in some places, and lend the area the prettiest green imaginable.  In places, at least on a dark and rainy day, those young trees in the distance had the look of thick pile carpeting the surrounding hills.

Montana....a land of contrasts.  Rugged rocky hills.

And fabulous open, endless rolling prairie grasslands and grain fields.

 
Of all the places we drove thru on our 3,560 mile trek, give or take a few miles, it was Montana that captured my imagination.  I wasnt prepared to fall in love with this state, but sure did.  The only drawback to Montana, was the size of the cites and towns, very small and didnt seem to offer much.  A cute hotel guy told us in Helena, and if its not true, its not far from the truth, "there are more cows in Montana than people."  I want to go back and explore this state at leisure.

Under a glowering sky, we crossed the border into Canada!  w00t!  For what ever reason, to my mind, we were now half way home.  Yeah, yeah I know we really werent, but to me it felt like it.

Right outside of Whitehorse, Yukon Territory is fabulous Miles Canyon.  And yeah, I didnt muck about with the color on this picture thats the true and actual color of the water.  Rock that is ground to flour fineness makes the Yukon River in this area that unbelievable jade color.

 Now, this wee pretty bridge doenst look like it would be much of a challenge to cross, yeah?  Well, for a height phobic person, this was.  It sways, it bobs about, gulp.  I stepped across carefully so as not to make it move about, until TH thought it would be funny to bounce up and down on one end of the bridge, causing me to freeze about halfway across.  When he saw the terror in my face, he froze and allowed the bridge to come to a rest so I could creep my fearful way to the other side.  I'm glad I got my fear under control so as to see more of the canyon.

Climbing out of the canyon and up to the roadway into Whitehorse, we noticed that the water around the area wasnt completely ice free.  The closer we got to Alaska the more snow and ice there was still lying around, we had good and truly out drove spring!  We slept at Beaver Creek, Yukon, and when we woke up, we were greeted with this....

Between the Canadian crossing and the American one, [which strangely enough is 30 km apart!] we drove into the snow that had left a dusting of snow on our steps that morning. Driving a few miles past the check point, the snow flurries increased into a fully fledged snow storm, dumping up to 6 inches of snow on the road, and my wee orange car was wearing summer tires!

It was slow going for about 20 miles.  A few times it was a bit of a white knuckler, when the car wasnt listening to the commands from the steering wheel.

We out drove the snowstorm, whew!, and are getting antsy to get home, home, HOME!!!!!!  A few miles outside of Delta we crossed the Johnson River, who obviously hadn't gotten the memo about spring. 

Then finally, after 8 long days, we pulled into our driveway, and we were at long long last home!

Kaput! Day 4

Hey all, just a short one tonight, as I'm exhausted. We drove from Helena Montana to Edmonton, Alberta, a distance of 566 miles in 12 hours. We encountered loads of construction, a detour which took us all around the back side of Calgary.

The Internet here is sloooow, so no pictures tonight. Tomorrows destination is Fort Saint John, a 7-9 hour trip. If the hotels from here on up into Alaska don't have wi-fi no more updates until I arrive home. Loads more pics to share, along with some tales.

See ya on the other side of the border!

Sent from my iPad

Yellowstone! Day 3

One potato, Two potato: or Day 2

The Long and Winding Road

Day one

I've always wanted to see the Hoover Dam, and today I finally did. It. Was. Amazing!

tick, tick, tick....goes the clock

tick, tick, tick....goes the clock

Wow! How on earth is it already time to leave Arizona? Where ever did the time fly away too? Didn't I just get here? Hmm, I suppose not, since TH is flying down to drive me and the car home again, home again, jiggity jog.

Am I happy to go back to Alaska? Well, sorta yes and sorta no. I'm happy here, happier than I've been in ages. My health has returned and even after a mega super busy day, the next day I bounce outta bed and am ready to go, go, go! No more limping, no more feeling like crapola. Tis beyond marvelous. I wont lie to ya all, living here alone has made me very lonely. I've worked on making friends. But ya know, it takes a while, and just as I'm starting to get comfy about maybe asking someone to meet up, I'm leaving. While looking for some yarn to make the grandbaby her birthday gift, I found a fantastic yarn shop. They have a table and ladies bring their knitting and sit and chat. We help each other out, giggle and just have loads of fun. Let me tell you, knitters are a friendly bunch of people, at least these ladies are. However....going to the knitting shop once a week has been rather pricey. Its rare I leave without yarn for a project. I now have 4 projects in my queue, but whats rare, is that two of em are for me. Its a rare thing for me to knit more than socks for me.

I've missed TH, I just hope we can get back to some range or normality. I'm not really sure that is possible. But I can hope, yeah? And thats what I'm clinging to, hope. I want us to work out, I want us to be something more than platonic room mates.

This trip alone has taught me many, many valuable things. That I can make it on my own if i have to, I don't need TH to exist. This time apart has given me space to decide how I want to present myself to others. And even though this is going to sound very shallow and vain, dressing like a butchy lesbian wasn't getting me the attention I want. I hated guys eyes sliding past me, like I was invisible when I would go out dressed very boyish. And the reverse, getting hit on by girls was nice, but not what I'm interested in. I've found a middle ground to stand on. Not really femme, but not to butch either. And most days I have some article of clothing that is from the mens department. After many hours of rooting around, finally I came to an answer to why some days I cant leave the house as a girl, its all about where I'm going and what I'm going to be doing. If Im confident, and self assured, then girl world clothing is ok. However, if im feeling the least bit uncertain, its boy clothes all the way. Truly, I'm happiest wearing guys stuff, I feel more authentically me, not a role acting doll, but honestly truly me.

Newleaf took me to Pride this weekend. It was umm.....boring? To me it reminded me of the state fair, with much less food, much more beer, and no live stock. There were very few people walking about, I thought it might have been the heat, but he said no. Twas 106 F [41C], yeah it was a bit on the miserable side. On the plus side???? I saw drag kings! w00t! They were really cute, and did a good job. And of course I have to mention the wee twink boys walking about in their undies and sunglasses. They didnt help with the heat level at all! LOL

See ya all on the flip side when I get back to Alaska!

Sent from my iPad

Angels flying to heaven

Once again one of our younger members took his own life.

Total grief on yet another bright young person not being able to see that the whole of life isnt school, and that as bad as life currently is, once you're away from school, life does get ever so much better. And not just for the LGBT kiddos either. For the uber smart kids (who will most likely run our future world), the theater kids, the metal heads, shy kids, etc., etc, etc. Those years from 7th grade thru 12th for many of us was a painful period indeed. Where any sign of deviation from the accepted "norm" was dealt with by bullying, being ostracized, whisper campaigns and the like. The herd instinct is at its strongest during this age, and the need to be cookie cutter alike is the end all and the be all.

Superimposing that stage of human development with the general malaise of school districts refusing to take action to effect a change to stop the bullying of LGBT kiddos, is state and church sanctioned hate. We will never know the extent of harm that has trickled down into our youngest and most impressionable citizens, and I'm not only speaking about LGBT kiddos either. Children attend church where they hear the minister preach the mantra that God hates gays, they are unnatural and then even worse many cite chapter and verse the violent chapters about stoning them, plucking them from the breast of church and land. Parents watch the news and one hears politicians are railing against "special rights" for gays, and how the "gay agenda" is ruining our country. Common slang uses gay and fag as a put down for stupid or lame. Its day in day out indoctrination of hate, and children are sponges and absorb every last drop of this bitter bile. These children internalize the hate they hear, for the LGBT kiddos it erodes their fragile sense of self, for the straight kids it gives them carte blanche to relieve their frustrations by bullying the LGBT. In this unequal situation, the LGBT kiddos lose, again and again. First by the school administration refusing to see there is a problem, and two by creating a situation that highlights how little respect is shown for LGBT kiddos. Into the box of LGBT, I'm also tossing the kids who are straight as a ruler, but dont present as such.

Personally, I feel that one of the reasons that LGBT has come under so much hate within the last 20 years, was the vacuum of hate created by the Civil Rights Act of 1964. With one stroke of President Johnson's pen, it was the beginning of the end of state and church sanctioned hate for blacks. The NAACP jumped on any used of the "N" word in print, on tv or the radio, and within a surprisingly short time, it wasn't accepted word in polite conversation. And as time flows by, racial hate dims with each passing generation, no I'm not saying that blacks dont experience racism, but what racism does exist, its much less virulent and is illegal.

Societies for whatever reason, seem to need a scapegoat, and we are now it. LGBT are to blame for all our woes, for weakening marriages, turning our boys into sissies, and for inviting the end times to arrive earlier, on a side note....shouldnt religious people desire the end of time, so as to go and be one with their God? And of course the whole bathroom issue of women being raped by transsexual women....sigh. Not realizing that if the transsexual ladies entered the men's restroom their chances of being raped or assaulted are quite high.

Again and again cities, states and the federal government refuse to pass laws to protect LGBT folks. Instead of treating us like a valuable member of society, we are pushed to the fringes. When laws are passed that sanction discrimination, its a mind set changer for many. It takes an opinion that is oppressive and discriminatory and affixes a seal of approval, curtsy of our constitution, changing an opinion to fact.

The LGBT groups are trying hard to right these wrongs, to make heard to everyone that we are not pedophiles, not desiring to take over the country, not soulless beings, we are no different than they. And all we want, need and deserve is to be treated with the same respect as they demand, the same civil rights, the same as anyone else-period.

Kenneth James Weishuhn, you will be sorely missed, rest in peace little angel.

Sent from my iPad

natural eye candy

Buckskin State Park.

Biki 2.1

Biki 2.1

I've been doing a great deal of life searching since arriving in Phoenix. Deconstructing my past, sifting through my present, and laying the foundation of what I'd like my future to contain.

I used to be fearless, and didnt just leap without looking, I cannonballed. But through the years as being a mom of little people my life became more and more about being an extension of the need to keep them alive, which tends to make most of us more cautious, as it did me. Also being a mom one tends to lose any privacy, and alone time is almost an undiscovered country. Alone time? I had little people and a puppy sitting in the hall way awaiting my return from the bathroom. Little starfish hands, furry paws poking under the door, wee voices asking me when I'm coming out. Yes, my life was soo not mine. After years and years and years of never being alone, when the last one moved away, it was an odd feeling to not be needed on a daily, hourly, and minutely basis. Compound that with living 90 miles one way from the nearest town. Anything and everything we needed had to be fetched from this town. A date night with TH in town included a 3 hour drive round trip! Tack on dinner, and a movie and our turn around time is now somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 hours..... Needless to say, date nights in town were a rare thing indeed.

Its only been in the last 3 years, since our move into town that I've grocery shopped alone since we married. Due to this anomaly I'm slowly learning to do stuff alone. Grocery shopping is a no worry item. Clothes shopping, is a task I'd rather do alone, it allows me to flow between the guys and girls clothing without any input from TH. I've gotten quite good at managing the usual day to day stuff that absorbs our lives errand wise alone. There were still a few places that I feared, and decided that had to stop and stop now!

Eating out alone. Yeah, thats a toughie, as to me food is a companionship thing, its hard enough to eat in the apartment alone. But trying out new recipes does help that as I love to experiment in the kitchen. So, the other day after coming back from Tempe to get my hair cut and colored, I decided that dinner would be out. I started at a chinese restaurant, and then changed to pizza. It was odd at first to be quite honest with ya, but I did calm down, and ate my usual two slices. And......it was nice to be flirted with by the manager....yay!

So, my wee orange car has a severe drawback, it lacks air conditioning. Yeah. We have decided that when I come back in the fall, we will buy me a new car for here, and leave my orange car at home. That way no matter where I'm at, I have transport. Last week, I drove up to the Toyota dealer and for the first time ever, test drove cars alone. It was rather offputting at first, but I quickly found my footing and started controlling the meeting, and have planned more car tryouts in the near future.

This past week, I really really REALLY wanted to see "John Carter" at the movies. I decided to go last week, only to chicken out......sigh.... Then 4 nights ago, I was determined to GO! I got to the door and was so filled with fear about going out at night, I had to sit down for awhile, missing the start time of the movie. After I got my emotions in hand, I forced the issue and went to the movies. I watched "Thin Ice". Two nights ago I finally watched "John Carter". The first time was horrid filled with fear on the drive to the theater, the last time was a walk in the park!

It feels great to recover my independence, to find that I can do things alone, and do a bang up job at it.

Count down until 3rd son and wife arrive, 4 days.

Count until I leave paradise, 26 days.....

Sent from my iPad

A Response to a Comment

My last post, Leaves of Green, sparked a comment that I want to address.

"I know that that's not what your post was about, but I was wondering if you could explain why the lgbt label is as it is...surely sexual preference is a separate thing from gender identity?? i dunno...really not being rude, just a little confused xx "

Sexual identity is a separate issue from gender identity, no question about it. However, how do you classify the sexual identity of a transgender/transsexual person? Does one address the sexual identity of the outer "visual" person? Or the gender they actually are?

If a transwoman (male to female) is sexually attracted to men, does that make her straight or gay if she hasnt transitioned yet? The world sees her as male, yet inside shes most absolutely female.

When people ask me if I'm gay or straight, I answer, "yes". Which provokes a confused expression, and more questions, which I'm happy to answer. If you go by body, well then I'm straight. If you address my sexuality on my gender, then without a doubt I'm gay. As a no-op transman, everyone sees a female, so to them, yeah I'm without a doubt straight.

However, this dancing around about what sexual orientation trans folk are, isnt really the reason we are included in the rainbow world of GLBT folk. One of the most prevalent ideas the straight world has of us is that all gay men are feminine and are untrustworthy under pressure, (like most men think of women), and all lesbians are butchy and dress in doc martins, sports short short hair, are inked up, and drive large trucks. And yeah, of course this is true of some of our rainbow world, it doesnt speak the truth about most of us.

To the outside world all of us are seen as crossing or at the least blurring gender roles and lines. A gay guy can be the most masculine man in the world, and is seen that way.....until people find out he's gay, and then to a vast majority of the straight world, he has lost his "man" card. All gay and lesbian families get asked the same question over and over and over, their eyes will shift from one to the other and then finally ask, "so....which one of you is the girl?" They cant perceive how two guys can be together without one them adopting the "feminine" role in both the bedroom and in the home. Lesbians have it easier, as most people are used to seeing women hug and kiss and living together, and of course it does seem to be every straight man's sexual fantasy to watch two ladies having sex.

The GLBT world uses a rainbow as their symbol due to the fact we come in so many shades and nuances. We are masculine, feminine, neither gendered, we are gay, bi, lesbian, and fluid. We are every color that humans come in. Rich, poor, college graduates, high school drop outs. Thin, thick, tall, short, bald, hairy, etc. As a group we are a wide swath of humanity as a whole. The only thing that really holds us together as a group at all is our being on the outside of the fence of what is seen as "normal".

As society catches up to the wonderfulness that the GLBT world offers to them, every year it's more and more "acceptable" to be gay, bi and lesbian. However the world at large is still rather confused about trans folk, and really this makes perfect sense to me. Because you can boil down the GLB part as being only about sex and sexual orientation. Take that part from any equation, and the truth to the old saying, "I'm more than just my orientation" and they are ever so right, they are! However, if you're gender and sex match, most likely you have never given any thought to your gender, you just are. While gay men and lesbian women make people rethink their ideas about whats acceptable in a sexual context, for most people trans folk make others uncomfortable. While most people can imagine what two lgb people do in bed, they cant imagine what it means to not match gender and sex wise. And while there is still a large "ick" factor with two guys having sex, there is an even larger "ick" factor about men cutting off their penis and testicles to become female. I have to admit there is much less "ick" about females becoming male, mostly I think because as a whole us transmen are seen to being going in the "right" direction, because ya know of course men are best. ;-p

Or you could boil it down this way. To be a member of the GLBT world, something about you needs to make the majority of society to recoil and feel uncomfortable. We are the dirty little secret straight society wants to keep locked so as to feel comfortable. And believe me there is nothing more discomforting that a transwoman, in doubt? Look at how often transwomen are murdered by their sexual partners, especially the black, and latino portions of our world.

I hope this answers you in such a way as to understand us trans folk do belong in the rainbow world.

Leaves of Green

So, yeah.....I've been MIA now for a month. What has been going on? Loads of soul searching, and a slow spiral into a mild form of depression. Back in the bad ol' days of childhood, anytime my female parent wanted to show me just how worthless I was, she did it by withholding physical affection. How do I know this? She told me so, over and over. "Who could love YOU?" And 2 months without any physical contact has drawn me into myself. This was one of the reasons I fought against coming to Arizona alone. I knew it wouldn't be good for me, and in many respects it isn't. On the flip side, I havent been this healthy for eons. I can run around all day, and still have left over energy, well unless I've driven the 101 in heavy traffic, which once home always requires a power nap.

TH came for his visit. And it was weird. How? Well, he was rather stand-offish, and seemed really uncomfortable with me for the most part. I fully believe that he came expecting me to tell him that I'm leaving him to transition. Finally, finally with only 2 hours before his plane left, as we were getting him all ready to go, I finally got a true hug out of him. If only he had done that when he arrived! I love TH, but am so tired of being in the dark as to what the fuck he's thinking. Yes, I do ask him, and only rarely does he tell me what he's truly thinking.

My quest continues to find the perfect tamale. I'm beginning to think due to the massive amount of work it takes to make these culinary gems they are falling out of favor in the food industry.

Tomorrow I leave for Lake Havasu to visit a long time friend and her hubby. We bonded back in Hell Town due to the fact we were both outcastes. They came up last summer to attend 3rd son's wedding and go fishing with my father-in-law. Still on the fence about telling her about me. The pro side said it would be nice to be honest with a long time friend. The con said, dont fuck up a long time friendship with unnecessary info.

One thing I've found as a common thread about coming out to the few people I have, is that almost no one understands what it means to be transgender. Once I've come out to them, and they have gotten over the shock, then the questions start to flow. Which is fine really.

A long long time friend of TH's and mine, is very religious, and when I came out to him, he was stunned, which is putting it mildly. We have talked about what it means to be transgender, and then once he asked about my sexual orientation, of course assuming that I am straight, he was thrown for a loop to think that not only is his friend a guy but is also gay. The one really good thing about coming out to him, is that he now looks at lgbt folk with a different viewpoint. Much less judgmental, and much more open to accepting them. If I could figure out how to give him a few books on religion and being gay/lesbian and a few on transgender lives I would. However, his wife is a notorious gossip, and she would work on him to figure out what his sudden interest is in this subject. He is fine keeping secrets from her, as part of his church work, but if he had books, she would start to look at people in their church and wonder who, who, who.........Which could cause someone being outted due to her loose lips.

I'm hard at work on a sweater for 3rd son's wife. He saw a knitting magazine on the sofa before I left Alaska, and fell in love with this one sweater, and asked me to knit it for her as a gift. I made her pick out the yarn color. No way am I doing all that work, only for her to hate the color! I have the back and a sleeve done. So, halfway done! The cool cool cool thing is they are coming for a visit the first bit of April!!! w00t! FTW! I want to have it done and ready to wear when they arrive. No, it will be acres to hot for her to wear it here, but the weather is still firmly sweater weather in Alaska in April.

And now..........for an apology. I'm very sorry, so very sorry that I haven't been keeping up with all of your blogs. I havent been reading anything in blogland. Why? It's like I'm frozen and full. I start to read and then encounter sadness, and need to pull out. I'll try better in the future, yeah?

A Fresh Outlook

A few weeks ago I was at the Home Depot, looking for something or other, and couldnt get anyone to help me. Finally I just marched up to a orange vested human, stood in front of them and told them what I needed. And yes, they did help me. I was dressed as I usually am, like a butchy lesbian.

Fast forward a week or so later, and again I'm searching for something at the Home Depot. That day however, I'm wearing a much more femme shirt, and the same orange vested guys who couldnt see me the previous week almost fell over themselves to ask if i needed help!

Talk about an eye opener. I got my item, after being asked by nearly every guy in the store if I needed any help, these were the very same guys who ignored me the week before....yeah, so.

This all got me to thinking about me, my presentation and how the two different experiences made me feel. I'm only interested in men sexually. And getting the look from them really made me feel better about myself. Yes, yes....sigh. I know right? How very sad and lame is that, to need validation from total strangers?

Since then I've been shopping. For many reasons, the most important one is that ALL of my clothing except for 2 shirts are to hot for Arizona. After the two different experiences I decided to test the girl clothing waters.

It took me almost 3 hours to stay in a store selling female clothing long enough to actually LOOK at the merchandise. And then it was still rather a minuscule look, not an actual poke around browsing situation. Then at Lucky Brand a clerk caught me, and the next thing I knew, I was walking out of the store the owner of two new shirts. girl shirts. I have since bought 4 more shirts, all girls. I've also bought in the men's department a pair of baggy shorts and a tee.

My new rule is no matter where I'm going, or who I'm meeting, I dress for me. So, if I pull on a girl shirt and its NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I pull it off and put on my guy stuff, and smile. I always start with the girl stuff, using the guy's clothing as a fail safe. The dress rate of guys to girls is currently running about 50/50. Why some days I'm cool with girl world, I havent a clue.

But the more important question would be, ask me if I care? I've decided while I'm here, with no one to have to answer to to be the most authentic self possible. If that means my presentation flip flops from butchy lesbian to 'straight woman' then so be it. I'm relaxing my hold on the rules of dress, and am dressing to please me and only me.

Also, I've been thinking more and more about transitioning. For a long while it upset me that I'd never be a really macho guy, I'll always be a more or less femme guy. One cant live in the body and social life as a woman, and not have it rub off to some degree. I'm not a total femme, just rather femme, and I'm ok with that. In transmen's world I'd be looked down on terribly. But since there isnt a huge community where transmen hang out, that shouldnt be an issue really.

Yes, if the transition occurs, TH will leave me, there has been no movement on that front. And unlike a year ago, I'm ok with it now. Why? What changed? A slow burning anger to be truthful. I gave up something I desperately wanted, nay need, to keep our marriage intact. But since I've come out to him the physical side of our relationship has dried up. And I'm not just talking sex, even 'little' things like no hand holding, kissing,or cuddling. Its a rare day indeed when any of that occurs, and I'm fed up with it.

I talk and talk to him, it seems every time that we have things ironed out. Only to have our life slide back to the non-touching again. If I'm going to give up being a visible guy, then I need something back for it in exchange, like being touched again. For a while I thought that I was being very selfish. But have changed my mind of late. Why is it selfish for me to finally at long last be a complete me? Its not.

TH is coming for a visit towards the end of February, and no I'm not going to spring any of this on him. But this will be a test more or less, a test he doesnt know hes taking. If I dont see any movement in the direction I deserve, then after I get back to Alaska, I'm sitting the boys down, telling them that im a transgender guy and letting the chips fall where they may, and will start the transitioning then.

Before I couldnt see my life without TH. Not any more. Now, I'm having trouble seeing a life without ME IN IT!

adrift

im struggling with the whole gender/sex thing. i cant be a guy. im not comfortable being seen as a woman. i even have a hard time typing woman in reference to myself. im rather at the end of the road here. (not suicidal, ok?) i dont know where to go from here. the one open lane, is something im not comfortable with, the other is beyond my reach. i know it sounds like more of the same same whining from me, and for that im sorry, but its eating at me. its like acid dripping me away.

im beginning to think that my idea of keeping the girl suit and accepting my life as a hidden man, was flawed.

and so the thrashing around within my bindings continues..........

Sent from my iPad

Oh my Sir!

You ARE happy to see me!

The Question

Steven over at thestateofthenationuk.blogspot.com has ended 5 on the fifth, in favor of something new, a thought provoking question is put to us. This month the question is

What you attempt if you know you could not fail?

That is the easiest question ever.

1) come out to EVERYONE

2) transistion, and live a full life, not this half hidden life that is strangling me.



What would your attempt be?

Of Fish and Birds, a guest post by T

Recently my friend Biki posted in blog "A fish may love a bird, but where will they live?" It is an interesting presentation so for all of us I will try to answer it.

The duality we all have in life whether we are any of the letters in LGBT is one of conflict. More often than not it is an internal one. It is our struggle to fit in a society that is ill prepared for us. Because of this ill preparation we are usually in the midst of defining our lives by standards and terms that really do not apply to us. We struggle.

What we need to discover is the power of love and creation. We must love who we are and who we want to be. We must love the journey that takes us wherever we will go. In that journey we should realize its success or failure is our creation. Like any traveller we can choose to flock to the masses or find our own path and enjoy the adventure on our terms.

Life has many obstacles, pit stops, even questions. Some may take our whole lives to figure out but that's fine. We are all works in progress, ever learning and changing. We are our choices and experiences. We are expression. Maybe that is the answer.

If there is no definition, space, or even feeling or thought about something express a new one. It does not have to be universal because our lives are our own.

So to answer my dear friend Biki I say this:

They live by the river, the lake, the sea. The bird soars proudly looking down upon its love always in sight. The fish gazes upward in joy. Diving forth the bird plunges through the watery surface for the brief foray to love's world. Bursting forth back to the air the fish surges up nudging the bird, a tantalizing embrace. It is not  a perfect love but who said love is perfect?

The boundaries in our lives are usually set by us and as long as we follow someone else's definition we will never embrace our love fully. Fish or bird, it's expression is our own and as long as we are happy with it then it is a perfect love. 

Love and create it's expression



Love is Never Wrong

by T http://links-of-love.blogspot.com/

"A fish may love a bird, but where will they live?"

I have no pronouns that "work". I'm happiest with the male pronouns, but not 'seen' as male so only female ones are attached to me. I dont feel female, but dont look male.

Sent from my iPad

Baka Hoka*

The traffic for the first few days scared the shit outta me. I haven't driven in heavy traffic since I was 18! So, huge learning curve there. The GPS who I have named "wife" cause she bitches at me when I dont manage to follow her orders, has for the most part done a great job getting me where I've wanted to go. There was one very odd day where "she" had me across the street from where I wanted/needed to be. Luckily I had a huge thirst for a frosty beverage of the coffee type, and there was the mother ship gleaming at me from across the street, Starbucks. And when I got out of my car and looked around.....yup! There was the store I was attempting to locate. But hey! I got to wander around a really cool unexpected store, so it's all good!

I've spent quite a bit of time driving around getting the odds and ends that I seem to need and had forgotten. Water purifier, measuring cups, bath rug, etc. As the days past, the comfort level with the traffic has increased, to the point where I'm taking the highway if the "wife" says to, and have actually charted a few trips without "her" guiding me along. Grid streets are a huge help to finding ones way about.

The other day after having a wrong address to a asian market I wanted to visit, decided to do a wander around one (!) of the huge local malls. I've never seen a cheesecake factory in person. Its well odd to see a chain restaurant selling mid-level food, looking like it has been transported from Vegas. I wandered into and out of many stores in the mall. Many of which I've never heard of. I mean I've heard of Lucky brand jeans, but didnt know they sold anything else! And actually bought two new shirts.

Girl shirts.

and I'm ok with em. Sure they arent very girly, or show chest or cleavage, but still.

While the main reason for me coming here was to get out of the cold for health reasons, and yes, I can't remember the last time I've felt this good, tis been a very long time. No limp, no brain fog, and the exhausted weight in my chest is gone. And now when I do get tired, its a 'normal' tired. I've stumbled across a surprised benefit, time to actually think about things.

A retreat in the desert, a time apart, a time to finally hear me, and to find out who I am without the context of the modifiers of wife and mother. And one thing that has become obvious to me, is that I submarine a lot of me to fill those rolls, something that makes me a stupid other*. If TH didnt like the person I was to begin with, he wouldnt have fallen in love with me. I've got to find him again. Because submerging so much of me has turned me into a stupid other*.

Sent from my iPad

Whew!

It's been very busy these last few days. When I left home, it was -35, and was a fantastic 70 here. OH! You'll never guess what occurred the day I left Alaska. I had texted eldest to see if he would like to meet up for supper, and possibly take me to the airport. He answered back, how about lunch with me and baby, AND I'll take you to the airport. And so he did! 'twas quite wonderful.

So, I get into Phoenix, did some texting with Newleaf, took a shower, changed clothing and we met for lunch. TH got in around 6 pm, safe and sound, that was a long, cold hard drive let me tell ya. I gave my list of apartments that looked good on the web to Newleaf, so he could plot it all out. The next day, Newleaf picked TH and I up, and off we go apartment hunting. By noon, we had found the one we wanted and started the process of getting all our ducks in a line to make it ours.

Newleaf took us to a magical land by the name of Ikea. Zomg, it's completely fantastical! We walked thru the entire store, something that IS rather a PIA, because if you only want to visit one select area, one must still wander through the entire store, small moment of grrrr for that. We all had a nice dinner, and Newleaf showed me how to use the garmin gps.

Yesterday morning, TH and I wake up bright and early and head over to the apartment to sign the lease, and get the keys. Then off to a whirl of shopping. Ikea for furniture, Walmart for dishes and even though I though we had decided on not splurging on a tv for me, TH bought me a nice tv. Back to the apartment to dump that stuff off, then onto the grocery store. After getting the food put away, we were completely trashed tired. We ate some left overs, good thing I can never eat all of my dinners, yeah? And we're dead asleep by 9. Yes, sigh, by 9. And the alarm rang all to early at 5 am. TH got a shower, we ate and was at the front lobby by 6 for the ride to the airport.

And so the adventure begins.

Sent from my iPad

Acceptance and Peace

 

Today, I was sitting on the sofa re-reading a favorite manga series, when my phone chimed a calendar alert.  Having no clue to as what I have scheduled I pull it out of my pocket, and oh, its my "Out of the Closet Birthday".  Whoa, has it been a year already?  A warm feeling filled me, and unlike last year when I was a baby at accepting me and learning who I was, there wasn't any fear or grief, only a pleasant feeling of.....love.  For quite possibly the first time in my entire life the war that screamed in my head of self hate and disgust had faded into a dull whisper.  It had faded so slowly that I never noticed the loss of the internal cacophony that had raged within me.  Feeling love and not disgust, being at peace with who I am, and not what I'm not is quite pleasant.

Am I happy when I see a girl looking back at me from the mirror?  Well, no of course not.  But girl and I are learning to work together a bit better.

The trick is how to integrate the outer shell with the inner true self, not an easy feat, at least for me. 

Looking back on this year, it was a year of growth and acceptance, a year learning how to be the most authentic self possible.  There have been several stumbles, and a few landslides, and several successes.  My one big success is dressing to please me, not others.  And the only time I dressed to please someone else caused a huge upheaval, and later a melt down when the wedding photos arrived from 3rd son.  I've determined if indeed youngest son gets married next year, I will stand to my personal guns and go in some sort of pants.  The day of me in a dress are over.

I leave tonight for my "Great Adventure".  Yes, that's what I've decided to call it, sounds ever so much more exciting than "wintering for my health", yeah?  For the first time ever, I and no one else will be master of my time, of what I do, what I wear, of my entire world.  After endless days of whining about being afraid, the fear is gone, and I'm rock steady.  I am ready to go, excited to go.  And sad to say, ready for TH to fly home leaving me to my own devices.  What I do find interesting is that my trip coincides with my closet b'day.  Rather a total re-boot of my life.

Unlike last year, when the future scared me down to my atoms, I'm racing into my future, happy and laughing.  This year could well prove to be a pivotal year as a trans person.  Ditching the parts of me that only hold me back, clinging tight to the things that really matter.

My only fear is that TH wont fit into my new view of who I truly am, not who I'm expected to be.  But, as my grandmother used to tell me, "don't bother trouble, until trouble bothers you."  If indeed this fear of mine comes true, I'll cross that bridge tomorrow.  Damn!  I sound rather like Scarlet O'Hara when she said, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."  But she rather had it right, don't ya think?  We can worry ourselves into a frazzle about something that may never come to pass.