Tuesday, April 24, 2012

tick, tick, tick....goes the clock

tick, tick, tick....goes the clock

Wow! How on earth is it already time to leave Arizona? Where ever did the time fly away too? Didn't I just get here? Hmm, I suppose not, since TH is flying down to drive me and the car home again, home again, jiggity jog.

Am I happy to go back to Alaska? Well, sorta yes and sorta no. I'm happy here, happier than I've been in ages. My health has returned and even after a mega super busy day, the next day I bounce outta bed and am ready to go, go, go! No more limping, no more feeling like crapola. Tis beyond marvelous. I wont lie to ya all, living here alone has made me very lonely. I've worked on making friends. But ya know, it takes a while, and just as I'm starting to get comfy about maybe asking someone to meet up, I'm leaving. While looking for some yarn to make the grandbaby her birthday gift, I found a fantastic yarn shop. They have a table and ladies bring their knitting and sit and chat. We help each other out, giggle and just have loads of fun. Let me tell you, knitters are a friendly bunch of people, at least these ladies are. However....going to the knitting shop once a week has been rather pricey. Its rare I leave without yarn for a project. I now have 4 projects in my queue, but whats rare, is that two of em are for me. Its a rare thing for me to knit more than socks for me.

I've missed TH, I just hope we can get back to some range or normality. I'm not really sure that is possible. But I can hope, yeah? And thats what I'm clinging to, hope. I want us to work out, I want us to be something more than platonic room mates.

This trip alone has taught me many, many valuable things. That I can make it on my own if i have to, I don't need TH to exist. This time apart has given me space to decide how I want to present myself to others. And even though this is going to sound very shallow and vain, dressing like a butchy lesbian wasn't getting me the attention I want. I hated guys eyes sliding past me, like I was invisible when I would go out dressed very boyish. And the reverse, getting hit on by girls was nice, but not what I'm interested in. I've found a middle ground to stand on. Not really femme, but not to butch either. And most days I have some article of clothing that is from the mens department. After many hours of rooting around, finally I came to an answer to why some days I cant leave the house as a girl, its all about where I'm going and what I'm going to be doing. If Im confident, and self assured, then girl world clothing is ok. However, if im feeling the least bit uncertain, its boy clothes all the way. Truly, I'm happiest wearing guys stuff, I feel more authentically me, not a role acting doll, but honestly truly me.

Newleaf took me to Pride this weekend. It was umm.....boring? To me it reminded me of the state fair, with much less food, much more beer, and no live stock. There were very few people walking about, I thought it might have been the heat, but he said no. Twas 106 F [41C], yeah it was a bit on the miserable side. On the plus side???? I saw drag kings! w00t! They were really cute, and did a good job. And of course I have to mention the wee twink boys walking about in their undies and sunglasses. They didnt help with the heat level at all! LOL

See ya all on the flip side when I get back to Alaska!

Sent from my iPad


  1. Glad to hear you're getting to know yourself. I'm still traveling down that road and figuring things out as I go. Have a safe trip home!

  2. It's been great to have been privileged to follow your journey. I know it had some great ups and a few downs. Learning about yourself, and figuring things out is an important process in life, and when we're LGBT, I think it's a tough process in many cases. You've come a long way, Biki. You should be proud of yourself.

    I think, too, your health being so good while you were there was a big help. I hope you have a warm spring in AK (if such a thing exists) and a HOT summer (but not 106!)

    As for Pride, it's interesting. I commented on another blogger's post about thinking about going to Pride. I'm kind of against them - you said why. In this world where we are trying to just be accepted, why do some feel like prancing around in public in your underwear advances our cause??? Are you proud of this?? I'm not and I'm not a prude, either! Santa Claus would be hated like we are in so much of the country if his elves danced around him in their green underwear during the Christmas Parade!!!

    Great post, have a safe trip home, my friend!
    Peace <3

  3. I hope that you have a nice warm spring and summer up in AK, and yeah that dose sound like a boring pride!

    I have gone to Seattle pride once, but for someone that is on the shy side it was a little overwhelming and stressful, as there where tons of people and lots of stuff going on. Then again, I have found Bellingham pride to be a little overwhelming in the past too, even though it is way way smaller then Seattle. (after all we are only a city of like 80k)

  4. Woah, time to leave already?! At least Alaska might be nicer (weather-wise) when you return? Safe journeys!