Saturday, March 31, 2012

Biki 2.1

Biki 2.1

I've been doing a great deal of life searching since arriving in Phoenix. Deconstructing my past, sifting through my present, and laying the foundation of what I'd like my future to contain.

I used to be fearless, and didnt just leap without looking, I cannonballed. But through the years as being a mom of little people my life became more and more about being an extension of the need to keep them alive, which tends to make most of us more cautious, as it did me. Also being a mom one tends to lose any privacy, and alone time is almost an undiscovered country. Alone time? I had little people and a puppy sitting in the hall way awaiting my return from the bathroom. Little starfish hands, furry paws poking under the door, wee voices asking me when I'm coming out. Yes, my life was soo not mine. After years and years and years of never being alone, when the last one moved away, it was an odd feeling to not be needed on a daily, hourly, and minutely basis. Compound that with living 90 miles one way from the nearest town. Anything and everything we needed had to be fetched from this town. A date night with TH in town included a 3 hour drive round trip! Tack on dinner, and a movie and our turn around time is now somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 hours..... Needless to say, date nights in town were a rare thing indeed.

Its only been in the last 3 years, since our move into town that I've grocery shopped alone since we married. Due to this anomaly I'm slowly learning to do stuff alone. Grocery shopping is a no worry item. Clothes shopping, is a task I'd rather do alone, it allows me to flow between the guys and girls clothing without any input from TH. I've gotten quite good at managing the usual day to day stuff that absorbs our lives errand wise alone. There were still a few places that I feared, and decided that had to stop and stop now!

Eating out alone. Yeah, thats a toughie, as to me food is a companionship thing, its hard enough to eat in the apartment alone. But trying out new recipes does help that as I love to experiment in the kitchen. So, the other day after coming back from Tempe to get my hair cut and colored, I decided that dinner would be out. I started at a chinese restaurant, and then changed to pizza. It was odd at first to be quite honest with ya, but I did calm down, and ate my usual two slices. was nice to be flirted with by the manager....yay!

So, my wee orange car has a severe drawback, it lacks air conditioning. Yeah. We have decided that when I come back in the fall, we will buy me a new car for here, and leave my orange car at home. That way no matter where I'm at, I have transport. Last week, I drove up to the Toyota dealer and for the first time ever, test drove cars alone. It was rather offputting at first, but I quickly found my footing and started controlling the meeting, and have planned more car tryouts in the near future.

This past week, I really really REALLY wanted to see "John Carter" at the movies. I decided to go last week, only to chicken out......sigh.... Then 4 nights ago, I was determined to GO! I got to the door and was so filled with fear about going out at night, I had to sit down for awhile, missing the start time of the movie. After I got my emotions in hand, I forced the issue and went to the movies. I watched "Thin Ice". Two nights ago I finally watched "John Carter". The first time was horrid filled with fear on the drive to the theater, the last time was a walk in the park!

It feels great to recover my independence, to find that I can do things alone, and do a bang up job at it.

Count down until 3rd son and wife arrive, 4 days.

Count until I leave paradise, 26 days.....

Sent from my iPad


  1. Glad to see you're out and about and still blogging.

  2. I'm so thrilled to hear of your progress in "living alone". I was asked for years, being a "confirmed bachelor" if I was lonely because I lived alone. I could honestly say "no". But since the event, I've experienced loneliness. For much the reasons you mention: going from being needed and a part of multiple lives to nothingness. And it affected me in much the same way you describe. Just couldn't go and do some things. Thankfully, I'm getting over it. Clearly YOU are getting over it! YAY!!!

    Enjoy the time with family, they're precious!

    Peace <3

  3. Congratulations on getting out and about, you are actually somewhat better then I am. Short of work shopping or playing with my camera (shooting photos) I am not found of going out alone. I find that I get panicky in part because I don't have someone that I know/trust to turn to when I get uncomfortable, which is quite often when places are busy and there are lost of people about. (which is ironic considering I work retail) That and not liking being the center of attention, I always feel like loads of people take notice when you go out to eat/movies etc alone and I wind up feeling self conscious and freaked out.

    I will have to try what you are doing and just force myself to go out alone until I get comfortable with it too!

  4. Hi Biki!

    It's so good to see that you are getting along and living alone. As they say, being alone does not have to mean that you are lonely. Doing things alone can grow on you though and sometimes is just what I want. I have to eat out bymyself on business trips a lot and I also go to movies on them. I always liked the John Carter books growing up and got my oldest boy to read some of them. I was really looking forward to seeing the movie. What did you think of the movie?

    Enjoy your family time!


  5. Still amazed that you lived in Alaska all this time. It's always such a mixed message. But it seems that being in AZ has been good for you overall. :-)