Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Leaves of Green

So, yeah.....I've been MIA now for a month. What has been going on? Loads of soul searching, and a slow spiral into a mild form of depression. Back in the bad ol' days of childhood, anytime my female parent wanted to show me just how worthless I was, she did it by withholding physical affection. How do I know this? She told me so, over and over. "Who could love YOU?" And 2 months without any physical contact has drawn me into myself. This was one of the reasons I fought against coming to Arizona alone. I knew it wouldn't be good for me, and in many respects it isn't. On the flip side, I havent been this healthy for eons. I can run around all day, and still have left over energy, well unless I've driven the 101 in heavy traffic, which once home always requires a power nap.

TH came for his visit. And it was weird. How? Well, he was rather stand-offish, and seemed really uncomfortable with me for the most part. I fully believe that he came expecting me to tell him that I'm leaving him to transition. Finally, finally with only 2 hours before his plane left, as we were getting him all ready to go, I finally got a true hug out of him. If only he had done that when he arrived! I love TH, but am so tired of being in the dark as to what the fuck he's thinking. Yes, I do ask him, and only rarely does he tell me what he's truly thinking.

My quest continues to find the perfect tamale. I'm beginning to think due to the massive amount of work it takes to make these culinary gems they are falling out of favor in the food industry.

Tomorrow I leave for Lake Havasu to visit a long time friend and her hubby. We bonded back in Hell Town due to the fact we were both outcastes. They came up last summer to attend 3rd son's wedding and go fishing with my father-in-law. Still on the fence about telling her about me. The pro side said it would be nice to be honest with a long time friend. The con said, dont fuck up a long time friendship with unnecessary info.

One thing I've found as a common thread about coming out to the few people I have, is that almost no one understands what it means to be transgender. Once I've come out to them, and they have gotten over the shock, then the questions start to flow. Which is fine really.

A long long time friend of TH's and mine, is very religious, and when I came out to him, he was stunned, which is putting it mildly. We have talked about what it means to be transgender, and then once he asked about my sexual orientation, of course assuming that I am straight, he was thrown for a loop to think that not only is his friend a guy but is also gay. The one really good thing about coming out to him, is that he now looks at lgbt folk with a different viewpoint. Much less judgmental, and much more open to accepting them. If I could figure out how to give him a few books on religion and being gay/lesbian and a few on transgender lives I would. However, his wife is a notorious gossip, and she would work on him to figure out what his sudden interest is in this subject. He is fine keeping secrets from her, as part of his church work, but if he had books, she would start to look at people in their church and wonder who, who, who.........Which could cause someone being outted due to her loose lips.

I'm hard at work on a sweater for 3rd son's wife. He saw a knitting magazine on the sofa before I left Alaska, and fell in love with this one sweater, and asked me to knit it for her as a gift. I made her pick out the yarn color. No way am I doing all that work, only for her to hate the color! I have the back and a sleeve done. So, halfway done! The cool cool cool thing is they are coming for a visit the first bit of April!!! w00t! FTW! I want to have it done and ready to wear when they arrive. No, it will be acres to hot for her to wear it here, but the weather is still firmly sweater weather in Alaska in April.

And now..........for an apology. I'm very sorry, so very sorry that I haven't been keeping up with all of your blogs. I havent been reading anything in blogland. Why? It's like I'm frozen and full. I start to read and then encounter sadness, and need to pull out. I'll try better in the future, yeah?


  1. I'm glad to see you updated your blog. I was thinking about you earlier today and wondered what was going on. I'm also happy to see you're still hanging in there.

    I changed blogs because I'm now working from home and back in the closet. Things are going well, though.

  2. I am so glad to see an update and new blog post, I was wondering how you have been doing. I hope that your depression clears up, I know how sucky that can be.

  3. Glad to see ya posting! Also good to hear that AZ is treating you pretty nicely too. :-)

  4. Thanks for the update. Hope your melancholy lifts soon.
    Every year we have an early summer party and Carlos makes 100 tamales for it. Maybe he should open a store.....?
    The thing about gender is that most people think it's between the legs, when it's really between the ears.

  5. I know that that's not what your post was about, but I was wondering if you could explain why the lgbt label is as it is...surely sexual preference is a separate thing from gender identity?? i dunno...really not being rude, just a little confused xx

  6. I'm sorry your trip hasn't been all you wished - but I think your physical health being good is a great thing, and probably the overriding factor.

    I guess there are big decisions concerning TH.

    Coming out to your friend is most likely a circumstance decision. Is this the time/place to do it? Does it really matter? I know the whole transgender thing confuses people. I think your religious friend is like a lot of people. Even the clowns who make all their ridiculous claims against the GLBT community seem to come around once they realize that someone they KNOW is gay (or L or B or T).

    Knit away, Biki! And you don't have to apologize for not blogging a lot. We all come and go, and we know you're around, OK, and living life!

    Peace <3

  7. hugs , first and foremost... you have to put yourself first, and your dealing with a mountain full your self. Take the time and work your stuff out. I know you like helping other but sometimes in life you just have to put yourself first. Wishing the best as I have always, missed ya in Arizona ... lol Brother lives off the 101 ... that would make me tired..... anyway ... Please you first, because after all YOUR THE ONE THAT COUNTS >..... anyway huggs and shitt xxxx and thanks you know what for btw ....