Acceptance and Peace

 

Today, I was sitting on the sofa re-reading a favorite manga series, when my phone chimed a calendar alert.  Having no clue to as what I have scheduled I pull it out of my pocket, and oh, its my "Out of the Closet Birthday".  Whoa, has it been a year already?  A warm feeling filled me, and unlike last year when I was a baby at accepting me and learning who I was, there wasn't any fear or grief, only a pleasant feeling of.....love.  For quite possibly the first time in my entire life the war that screamed in my head of self hate and disgust had faded into a dull whisper.  It had faded so slowly that I never noticed the loss of the internal cacophony that had raged within me.  Feeling love and not disgust, being at peace with who I am, and not what I'm not is quite pleasant.

Am I happy when I see a girl looking back at me from the mirror?  Well, no of course not.  But girl and I are learning to work together a bit better.

The trick is how to integrate the outer shell with the inner true self, not an easy feat, at least for me. 

Looking back on this year, it was a year of growth and acceptance, a year learning how to be the most authentic self possible.  There have been several stumbles, and a few landslides, and several successes.  My one big success is dressing to please me, not others.  And the only time I dressed to please someone else caused a huge upheaval, and later a melt down when the wedding photos arrived from 3rd son.  I've determined if indeed youngest son gets married next year, I will stand to my personal guns and go in some sort of pants.  The day of me in a dress are over.

I leave tonight for my "Great Adventure".  Yes, that's what I've decided to call it, sounds ever so much more exciting than "wintering for my health", yeah?  For the first time ever, I and no one else will be master of my time, of what I do, what I wear, of my entire world.  After endless days of whining about being afraid, the fear is gone, and I'm rock steady.  I am ready to go, excited to go.  And sad to say, ready for TH to fly home leaving me to my own devices.  What I do find interesting is that my trip coincides with my closet b'day.  Rather a total re-boot of my life.

Unlike last year, when the future scared me down to my atoms, I'm racing into my future, happy and laughing.  This year could well prove to be a pivotal year as a trans person.  Ditching the parts of me that only hold me back, clinging tight to the things that really matter.

My only fear is that TH wont fit into my new view of who I truly am, not who I'm expected to be.  But, as my grandmother used to tell me, "don't bother trouble, until trouble bothers you."  If indeed this fear of mine comes true, I'll cross that bridge tomorrow.  Damn!  I sound rather like Scarlet O'Hara when she said, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow."  But she rather had it right, don't ya think?  We can worry ourselves into a frazzle about something that may never come to pass.