Baka Hoka*

The traffic for the first few days scared the shit outta me. I haven't driven in heavy traffic since I was 18! So, huge learning curve there. The GPS who I have named "wife" cause she bitches at me when I dont manage to follow her orders, has for the most part done a great job getting me where I've wanted to go. There was one very odd day where "she" had me across the street from where I wanted/needed to be. Luckily I had a huge thirst for a frosty beverage of the coffee type, and there was the mother ship gleaming at me from across the street, Starbucks. And when I got out of my car and looked around.....yup! There was the store I was attempting to locate. But hey! I got to wander around a really cool unexpected store, so it's all good!

I've spent quite a bit of time driving around getting the odds and ends that I seem to need and had forgotten. Water purifier, measuring cups, bath rug, etc. As the days past, the comfort level with the traffic has increased, to the point where I'm taking the highway if the "wife" says to, and have actually charted a few trips without "her" guiding me along. Grid streets are a huge help to finding ones way about.

The other day after having a wrong address to a asian market I wanted to visit, decided to do a wander around one (!) of the huge local malls. I've never seen a cheesecake factory in person. Its well odd to see a chain restaurant selling mid-level food, looking like it has been transported from Vegas. I wandered into and out of many stores in the mall. Many of which I've never heard of. I mean I've heard of Lucky brand jeans, but didnt know they sold anything else! And actually bought two new shirts.

Girl shirts.

and I'm ok with em. Sure they arent very girly, or show chest or cleavage, but still.

While the main reason for me coming here was to get out of the cold for health reasons, and yes, I can't remember the last time I've felt this good, tis been a very long time. No limp, no brain fog, and the exhausted weight in my chest is gone. And now when I do get tired, its a 'normal' tired. I've stumbled across a surprised benefit, time to actually think about things.

A retreat in the desert, a time apart, a time to finally hear me, and to find out who I am without the context of the modifiers of wife and mother. And one thing that has become obvious to me, is that I submarine a lot of me to fill those rolls, something that makes me a stupid other*. If TH didnt like the person I was to begin with, he wouldnt have fallen in love with me. I've got to find him again. Because submerging so much of me has turned me into a stupid other*.

Sent from my iPad