Friday, January 29, 2010
And now for something completely different?
I have at long last a name for my oddness the weirdness that is me. But, while it's nice having a name, a tag, a category it still leaves the question unanswered, now what? How is this going to change my life? To ask the even bigger question, should it? And in what direction do I want to go, how far do I want to go with my label as androgyne?
Tis true that it's only one part of me, it's not the whole me, yeah. But, this part of me, has been buried so long, so squashed, so entombed with most of my out loud personality that has been pulled down to monochromatic instead of vibrant clashing colors. Living in a small town, having to hide the true me, never fitting in and not wanting to fit in to be very honest. T.H. didn't care if I fit in, but he did look askance at my clothing after I arrived in Alaska, and the dulling down of me began. He didn't want me to stick out to lessen the amount of gossip and hate aimed at me. So, while he was trying to help me, it led me to constructing a very workable fake front me.
It's almost like an archeological dig, carefully peeling back layers of empty dross, to unearth what makes me, well me. I have become very introspective of late, searching for meaning of my actions, clues of my emotional being as to what I read and listen to. A few years ago I became very depressed, which is very unusual for me and my music of choice? Linkin Park.... which is about not fitting in, not getting what you want, and not really being able to get what you strive for. My current Marilyn Manson infection? He is all about punching normal in the face, not caring if people think you are weird, because weird is better than being a cookie cutter person. Fight against the molding of society, live as you want, not as someone wants you to live.
So, now what?
I don't really know. I am happiest not looking extremely feminine, but the other end of the stick, the butchy girl? No, not really that either. So, what do I want? I don't have a clue. Am rather at a loss to be very honest. I do know that there is some articles of clothing that will be no longer worn. I hate tops that show a large amount of skin, and I have been pushed into those by my daughter in laws... Why? They were very vested in making me over, and just kinda ran over my protests. Did I protest very loudly? No I didn't. Why.....sigh, I want their love, and was hoping that being compliant would make/keep them happy with me. I know, what a pathetic person.....
Aek and I were chatting about what I want the other day for me. What parts of my true personality do I want exposed for all to see. What physical changes do I want, if any. I think the best thing would be to take small steps into my new life. First things? Hair, glasses and tweaking the wardrobe. Looking for clothing that makes me happy to wear, rather than a sigh when I look in the mirror. Hair that let's even strangers know that I am...... original..... different...... unusual...... an individual and not an herd animal. My glasses already reflect that but they are green. I am hoping to dye my hair an interesting color, and I don't want my glasses to clash. We will see.
Body modifications? Humm, no I don't really think so. Well, I would like to be taller..... I mean I would like to look less like a girl.... but as to removing parts, or modifying others? No, that's not really right.... I AM both male and female and trying to make your outer fit that is tough. Do I ever feel completely female? Not since my last pregnancy. During the years that I was building babies and when they were very small I felt very feminine, and my clothing choices, the make up wearing showed that quite clearly.
In high school my favorite way to dress was either the jeans and tees model or the "girly" outfit I wore. My "girly" outfit was tights, high top converse in black, short jean skirt, long sleeved tee shirts or sweatshirts that were huge and shapeless and almost as long as my very short skirt, and a military jacket from Angel Uncle. A delightful mix of boy and girl. No make up, no perfume, no purse, but a short skirt and tights, the body of a female and a mind of..... a boy/girl.
My closet door is still firmly closed. I did tell a very good friend of mine. Why her? Because we have been friends for years, and I knew I could trust her to understand, and even more importantly accept me. Until I have done a more thorough excavation into me, and what if any thing I want to change, I am putting off telling the boys. I need to be more settled in my feelings, more sure of who I am before I tell them.
I need to decide if I do want this to be a spring board to changes, and just how radically of a change I want/need to make to feel complete and whole. So, is it now time for something completely different?