Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Meltdowns and Closets

Wow!  Umm, so sorry about that last night.  Was over stressed to the breaking point, as no doubt you could see.  The last week had taken it's toil on me, and the weather was stupid cold -30's, which makes my emotions fly all over the map.  I was pushed to the edge wanting to tell T.H. and fearful of telling him. Several people told me not to tell him yet, to wait.  And what you have to know about T.H.'s and me? Is that we share everything.  We have no personal secrets from each other, and the thought that everyone was telling me not to tell, when all I wanted to do was to tell?  And since I am so new, I thought everyone knew better than me..... and kept it bottled up.  And as the day spooled out I just got more and more upset, until a silly little misunderstanding with a good friend on chat, broke me down into unstoppable tears.  After crying for several hours, like a silly goose, I wrote that last post.....  And I did promise Aaron that once a post is up there is no pulling it down, it adds to the integrity of the blog.  So, my ugly meltdown will stay up.

So, there I was, completely over whelmed and felt I had no where to turn, was alone with all of this angst and it was just flowing out of me, and I couldn't get it to stop.  Finally showing some intelligence for the first time I swear to you in all of yesterday, I went and woke up T.H.  He has a terrible cold and hasn't been sleeping well....but at this point I had had had to have him hold me.  Yes, I know, how selfish of me, but I was out of options and as you can see there was puddles of me everywhere.

I woke that poor man out of a sound sleep.  He was met with a mess, face and shirt soaked from my tears, shaking and unable almost to talk by this time.  T.H. didn't even ask me what was wrong.  He just pulled me into him and held me, until I calmed down.

I screwed by courage to the sticking point, and told him.  My voice was a quivering mess, tears were still on tap, and I just wanted to vomit I was just that scared.  Finally getting my voice out, I asked him not to interrupt and let me go until I finished.  So, here is a bit of how it went....

"Umm, you know how I have always felt like a freak?  Never fit in at all?  Well, I now know why.  I'm a...a...umm androgyne...... ummm transgendered."

"Ok, baby ok.  I just need to know two things.  Do you want a sex change operation? And are you going to leave me because of this?"

"NO!  I don't ever want to leave you!!!  And I don't want a sex change either!"

"Good!  We can work around anything else."

We sat in the dark together for hours talking through everything.  T.H. agreed that having words to define me brought clarity to me and my actions.  He then told me something he had never told me before. That all of his friends thought that I was a very unusual female, and that they meant it a good way!  They said I made sense, unlike most females.  As the night wore on, into really morning by anyones standards, T.H. said the best thing to me,

"I loved you before this, I love you now, nothing has changed there.  This makes no difference to me at all.  Except that maybe you can find some happiness within yourself."

  Today while chatting with Dave, he noticed that I wasn't quite my normal me.  And when I recounted my whole story.  Dave said, "You came out of the closet Biki!  Congrats!" And so a person, that didn't even know she had a closet?  Found the doorknob and let herself out.

From here on out, January 4, 2010 will be my personal birthday.  And yes I do intend to celebrate it, from now on!  And Lee, thank you for pointing out it WAS my birthday!

Hugs all around!!



  1. So..., you don't need the knives then?


  2. So glad you're feeling better, Biki. It gets to us all sometimes and we just have to let it all out. Like you I never take a post down once it's up there, that would be dishonest and god only knows I've sent out a few tortured howls myself :)

    Take care
    Load of Love

  3. oh i'm glad yo'ure feeling better now all of that is off your shoulders. and that was a pretty good response you got! congrats :)

    take care


  4. That explains why you were in such a good mood when we talked

  5. I am so happy for you girlfriend! Glad you found some clarity!

    Lots of love,

  6. T.H. sounds awesome.

    Congrats on your new birthday.


  7. I LOVE YOU!!!

    That about covers all I want to say right now!

  8. congrats Biki! :) that is amazing!! beyond amazing really! to pluck the courage to do what you did and also to bring yourself together to put everything so nicely into words. :) kudos to you and T.H.! :) give a hug to T.H. and here's a HUG from me to you!