Saturday, January 9, 2010
reflections on my new birthday
After the meltdown, a few nights ago... sigh... sorry about that, life for me has been very unusual. My outward life has not changed at all, still same same same. But, my inner life? It is as different as if I moved out of my head and into someone else's. And, I guess to a great degree that is what happened.
My inner life was noisy and chaotic, full of sound and fury. Getting to sleep at night, has always been a chore for me. Making my mind shut it, so I can sleep has been something I have fought as long as I remember. I sleep well, but getting the brain to quiet down and let me be, is something else.
I'm so happy, so calm, so....... at peace within. Free. I feel free. What a wonderful feeling.
But, I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this peace, this freedom. So, while I was chatting with Lee tonight, I asked him, hoping he could shed some light on the subject. And, his answer made total and complete sense to me. His words were pure wisdom to a new born.
Lee said, "Because you have been holding on trying to understand how you felt and knowing it now frees you."
Yes. That is it. I am no longer white knuckling my inner self. The feeling is indescribable, however wonderfully glorious it feels.
I haven't been around many people since I've had my new birthday, and am honestly wondering how it is, if it is, going to change how I act. I have a tendency to fade into the background around many women, so I am kinda wanting to try out my new inner confidence, and see what occurs. Will it change anything for me? Could it change my actions? These questions will have to bubble and brew until I have a chance to try.
A few nights ago, once again in our darkened bedroom, very quietly T.H. asked, "Umm, do you want me to treat you any differently?" My poor T.H. is adrift and is floundering, but is only thinking of my happiness. I reassured him that no, he treats me wonderfully and he was never the problem. This is not something he has done, or not done, but something that has been inside of me as long as I can remember. He was reassured, and relieved. I have certainly put T.H. through the wringer in our years together.
In 1995 I legally changed my first and middle names. I wanted a clean unsullied by hate and violence name. Every time I heard my named called out to me, it made me wince, an inner flinch I would suppose would be the best way to put it. I gave T.H. proper warning, telling him that I was looking for a new name, and when I found it, would be changing it. After a few months of "shopping" I don't know how many different names, I finally found the one for me.
Each time we were building a new baby, we would hunt for names, both boys and girls. And of course none of the girl names ever got used. T.H. so wanted to use his favorite girls name, and to be quite honest, I didn't like the name at all. Every single time he would mention it, I would sigh, and write it down, without any intentions of ever using it on our baby girl. But, when the babies all proved to be boys, he was let down he truly wanted a little girl. What better way to honor his love for me, than to gift him the use of his favorite name. When I filled out the paper work, and showed it to him for the first time, he was both shocked and touched.
So, yeah for both T.H. and myself yet again a new beginning. And if you think about it? He hasn't truly been married to the same wife for 31 years! He had one wife for 16 years, one for 14, and now he is starting off with a new shiny model again! Humm, does that mean in 12 years, some other large change is going to occur for me, for him? Who knows! All I do know, as long as he is there to hold my hand, dry my tears, and love me, love me, love me, I am blissed out with his love. Because all I really want, all I really need? Is T.H.