Dinner Plates of Delight

Dinner Plate One

For whatever crazy reason, I've been CRAVING hot wings.  I've tried dipping pork into the hot wing sauce, and while its tongue tingling exciting, it's not hot wings, if ya know what I mean.....  So, I began a quest of re-inventing hot wings without any food cheats.

Up first was to pull out the chicken....ok now this was a stumper.  Pork would fill in for the protein aspect, but what about that crispy skin holding the sauce, and providing a secondary flavor and texture profile. 

A few weeks ago, I found a vegetarian making "fried chicken" on youtube.  She took fakey chicken pieces coated it in egg and then dredged in a flour and fried it.  It was crispy!  It clung to the meat!  But she used egg and wheat flour, and if you minus those and substitute other items it all goes south quickly.  And tis battered, not what I'm after at all.  But it did get my brain working......

Saturday was "Operation Hot Wing".  I took pork, cut them into finger sized pieces, flavored them with salt, pepper and onion powder and let sit for a bit.  Then I placed corn starch on a plate, filled a plate with hot water and dipped a rice paper wrapper, let soak then rolled a piece of pork into it, dredged it with the corn starch, and fried it.  After coating it with wing sauce, I was ecstatic! The coating started out crispy and the sauce clung to it wonderfully, and after it sat a bit it turned chewy, just like actual chicken skin!

 w00t!!!!!

FTW!

A few changes will occur the next time I make them, and there WILL be a next time!  Next time I'll bake the pork until nearly done, that way I dont have to fry them quite so long to ensure the pork being fully cooked.  I'll do it ahead of time, let them cool, and dry and then coat and fry.  Also, will make the cornstarch coating lighter so that it doesnt build up such a mucky mess in the bottom of the fryer leading to burnt oil.  May try using potato starch for a few to see if that produces a superior chew.  Potato starch makes a chewier coating on fish, and I don't enjoy that on fish, but maybe on hot wings it will shine!

Dinner Plate Two

Left to my own devices, I trend towards not eating much meat, nor fat.  Yes, yes I know the previous bit of this post was about fried pork, but I only ate a few and was satisfied.  A small steak usually lasts me 3 - 4 meals.  When I don't eat meat, I dont miss it, and rarely think about meat, except for the love of my life, Bacon!

As the weather got became colder and darker, I began to wind down, until I was again marooned onto the island of our sofa again.  Last weekend, TH took one look at me and decided I needed a shot of protein, and then stopped and said, "I don't think it's protein you need, I think its the fat, I'm buying you a fatty steak and you're going to eat some of that fat!"  And so he did, and I ate some of both, and within a few hours I had energy again....Weird as hellz, yeah?   I don't get it either, all I know is it works.  The next day I ate it for breakfast and lunch and felt well enough to go for a 1 1/2 mile walk!  Now I'm trying to make sure I consume a certain amount of protein and fat each day, and am feeling better even as the weather chills further. 

Dinner Plate Three

While reading an milk allergy blog recently the author talked about being able to eat all sheep milk items without any physical issues.  On my weekly trip to the natural grocery store, I scoured their chill chest for anything made from sheep milk.....looking, "no that's cow,......goat.......goat....raw milk...SHEEP!!!  I bought a single container of sheep milk yogurt.  Brought it home, and worried about eating it, but maned up and stirred the fruit up from the bottom and hesitantly took a bite,  and it's YUMMY!  It didnt hurt my tummy!  Didn't make my ears ring, or stuff up my sinuses!  A few days later found some sheep milk feta and came home and whipped up a greek salad, oh my gawd was it fabulously fabulous! 

As you can see, our snow melted away, only to return a few days later, and melt off later that day as well.  But with highs in the low 40's and night time temps in the low 20's, a lasting snowfall isnt far away.

The Door Slams Shut

on fall.

Hello winter!

Gender/Sex/Sexuality 2.0

The comments on my last post rather confused me.  I know that gender lies in the brain and sex is a physical expression of genetic coding.  Believe me when I tell you that I am all the other trans folk are walking expressions of that definition.  Our meat suits don't fit our gender, a gender which we know to be truer than true.  My gender is male, no question about it.  However....

What I was asking, what is it that makes a male, a Man.  Is it solely the having of a male body?  Can one be a man while living inside of a female body?   This might be a tricky concept for gender/sex matching humans to understand, due to the fact you've never had the need to question where you lie within the male/female continuum.   A time before your memories, you KNEW yourself to be male/female.  Just like myself and other trans folk knew, the only difference is the entire world, including their bodies told them otherwise.

No, what I'm asking is more basic.  If I were to show up in my girl suit to a gay men's group would/should I be accepted?  What are societies rules about claiming to be a man, but not looking nor sounding a thing like a man? 

Sexuality is yet another question.  Merriam Webster defines homosexual thusly:

1

: of, relating to, or characterized by a tendency to direct sexual desire toward another of the same sex

2

: of, relating to, or involving sexual intercourse between persons of the same sex

Technically, I'm straight as my sex is most definitely unarguably female.  Wikipedia mentions gender with sex in its description of homosexuality.  I'm going with the wiki definition, as it fits my world view. 

I KNOW who and what I am, male and gay, what I'm asking is about validation and acceptance in society.  There is a still a wide swath of GLB that hate up on all transgender humans.  If I've read it once, I've read it thousands of times from both sides of the gender aisle about why the T is even included in GLB because they aren't a sexual minority.  Honestly, from my side of the fence, the T's ARE a sexual minority, folk born within the wrong sex, and an even tinier minority than GBL's are.  One thing that really hurts T's  within GLBT groups, is that many of them categorically refuse to define their sexuality, straight, gay, bi, lesbian or asexual.  What's the major malfunction in labeling who excites you sexually?

At the core of my questionings is what is it that defines the state of being male, or female?  What makes a male a man?

Sex/Gender/Sexuality Existential Thoughts

While over leaving a comment at Jay's blog, I realized that there is a subject I've yet to discuss here with y'all.  Does having a male gender truly make someone (ie me) a man? 

Does owning this

make someone a man?

Or can one be male/man without it?  


Because men who have lost their penis due to injury or disease are still considered MEN.  But what if one isn't born with one?  Is it something more than physical characteristics, or is sense of self enough to be counted as male?

Trans folk have to come out twice to everyone.  Once as trans, and then as to what sex you're attracted to.  I've been asked by GLBT'ers before if I'm gay or straight and usually my answer is "yes".  

"Yes?"

"Yes.  Meat suit girl is straight, cause she likes dudes.  Gendered male me is gay, because I like dudes.  So, yes."

But does having a male gender enough to be able to walk about calling oneself "gay"?  What does being gay actually mean?  Feeling romantic and sexual feelings towards one own sex.  But my sex is female, only the gender half is male........ 

Round and round like a carousel,

but never quite closing the question loop.

                               One of the major malfunctions of modern society is the strict adherence of two sexes and genders.   While there seems to be only two sexes, genders like sexuality come in a wide arc.

Kinsey helped the masses decide where they fall on the sexuality scale.  I feel that a gender scale is needed as well.  Boiling down feelings and expression would be far harder than what Kinsey invented, but classifications of gender is just as important.

Kinsey's scale helped rank and file Mary and Bob understand that homosexuality is common human condition, not an abnormal one.   It helped parents and families to come to grip with a gay kid, knowing that they were "normal", not a deviant or recruited by a pervert, but normal.

Gender scales would not only help trans folks be more easily accepted, but would slacken the chains on people who are straight but perceived as being not, our gender expression brethren.  Butchy girls, femme boys.  Boys who don't like sports, roughhousing but dream nightly about pussy, pussy pussy.  Girls who hate the kitchen but love the garage, the woodshop, and lust after guys.  Those femme boys and butchy girls could now be considered "normal", not freak shows like now.

If humans were allowed to freely express both their true genders and sexualities, what changes would occur?  I would imagine bullying incidents would drop dramatically, when one counts gender expression and sexuality only.  Sadly we still have acres to go in reducing racial bullying, I'm looking at you GOP......  Would society stop stifling males emotions, allowing our boys and men to cry and express nurturing, allowing a disinterest in all things considered typically male without being labeled "a nancy boy"?  Could girls finally stop equating their physical beings with their inner selves, and know that they are more than a pretty shell to look at, would that reduce women's unhappiness?

Which brings me back to what makes men, men and females, female?  Is it more than our meat suit?  Does what lies inside trumps the outer?  Society lags behind on this conundrum, and I've yet to find a way off the carousel of what it means to be a man and a gay man at that.

A Palace on Earth

'And seeing the snail, which everywhere doth roam,
Carrying his own house still, still is at home, Follow (for he is easy paced) this snail,
Be thine own palace, or the world's thy gaol.'*

John Donne

Barbarian that I am, poetry doesnt usually speak to my soul, but this snippet of a larger whole grabbed me and won't let go.

Trying to mingle two separate genders into a living breathing whole is more akin to a juggling act than a mixing bowl.  Indiscriminate mixing of my genders won't give me a crystal clear self, only a muddled jumble self, not what I'm after at all.

What I'm seeking is a partnership rather than a hostile takeover.   I want a love match.  I want to love the totality of me, not just the parts and bits that I'm comfortable with. 

I want my inner life to be as rich as a palace, hung with draperies, piled with cushions, carpeted with soft soft grass, lavished with gardens of tree and flower.  Quiet places softened with the tinkling sound of fountains and birdsong.

To be content. 

Joyful.

At peace with this body, that's what I'm seeking.

 *For the full version of the poem

A Trip to Seward in Pictures

Two years ago, TH and I went to Seward to celebrate our Anniversary, we had such a great time we decided a repeat was in order.

We woke up to a cloudy Eeyore sorta day, but hey! it's fishing and that makes it a-ok!  I checked the weather for the day, 52F (11C)  and I realized those sorta temps called for massive clothes wearing.  This is what it took to keep me warm out on the chilly ocean: undershirt, thermal shirt, hoodie, pants, socks, scarf, hat, snowpants, and both pieces of my parka and mittens.  I wore shoes instead of my Lobben boots, as they are not made for wet conditions.

Our party of 6 got into the boat around 6:45 am, way way to early to be out and about, but for some unknown reason that seems to be the golden time for all fishing charters to get underway.  The harbor looked rather spooky to me, and I always forget just how bloody big cruise ships are.

Captain John gave us a quick safety lecture and off we went! 

We passed a ghost forest left by the massive '64 Earthquake.

And finally we stopped and began fishing.  I have no earthly idea where we were exactly, but if you clicky on the map it does embiggen.  ( I just checked and the map doesnt embiggen well, so head on over to this addy if you wanna see a closer view of the map.)  I do know that we were way out past Bear Glacier because we fished in that area later in the day.  Wee pieces of ice were floating about in the water, along with jellyfish, seaweed and many nursery schools of salmon.

As the fishing slowed down, Captain John headed out for new fishing pastures.   The weather worsened and it began to rain/drizzle and a heavier fog set in.  Out of the fog materialized people standing on the water!  Captain John snapped his head up to check the marine GPS to check the depth, we were in 140 ft of water.  What on Earth?  Turns out they were on Paddle boats, it sure gave all of us a momentary fright.  A few of this group in kayaks, hardy souls aren't they to be out in that weather?

The limit was a total of 6 silver salmon, 3 out from the ocean and 3 from the bay.  I caught 3, and let me tell you they were quite recalcitrant and point blank refused to get into our nice dry boat!  But I finally won them over with my sparkling personality and they came on board.  As the weather worsened from drizzle to outright rain, I gave up fishing and retreated to the cabin.  It was dry and windless, but not warm as it doesnt have a heater, yeah I have no idea whats up with that.  Funnily enough I never did see a steward either with cups of hot liquids..........  Note to self, bring hot chocolate in thermos for our next fishing adventure.

Pictured is Captain John with the boat's take of silvers.

Our 9 silvers filleted and ready to be packaged.




There is so much to do and see around Seward and we never seem to make the time to do much more than fish.  If TH could take one day extra off on his long weekends (work 3 days-has 4 off, then works 4- 3 off.) We would have 3 full wonderful days to explore and relax without being quite so hurried.  Driving time to Seward is around 8 hours, depending upon construction delays, and yeah there is always construction on the roads. 

Late to the Party

Ever since I've read the story of the wee 2 year old being assaulted for wearing a pink lace head band, it's caused me to pause and reflect.

Let's jump in the way back machine a minute I want to take you on a brief trip.

Once upon a time, way back in the 1987 or '88 near onto Halloween, I asked the kids what they wanted to "be" for Halloween.   The older one didnt have a clue, and I think he went as a pirate, which was his default costume thru the years. 

However the youngest, who was 5, thought only for the briefest of moments and then shouted "A WITCH!!!!!  I wanna be a witch mommy!!" 

Knowing how staid the community was, I attempted to steer him towards something else.  Finally after firm repeats of his desire to be a witch I countered with, "Ok, how about a boy witch then? They are called warlocks."

With a look of pure disgust he answered me, "Mom-my!  I don't wanna be pretend, I wanna be something real!  There's no such things as warlocks!  I wanna be a WITCH!"

And with that firm declaration, I gave up attempting to sway his choice and let it be.  Now I can see you wondering why I tried so hard to change his mind.  Because this town was mean spirited, and any step outside of "normal" and you're hounded for a long time.  The religious folk were divided into two groups, those that boycotted Halloween  and held a rival Harvest Celebration at church, and those that allowed their kids to attend, but steered them firmly away from magical beings.  Neither group was known for allowing behavior outside of a narrow band of "normal" in their children.

I picked up some shiny black fabric, and a tall pointy witches hat, looked at the wigs, and found them to be unpleasantly scratchy, gave them a pass, he would just be the cutest blonde witch ever!

Hubby came home from work, and I had second son standing on a chair, measuring him.  I nearly stabbed him with a pin due to his wild gesturing, "DADDY!!!!  Mommy's working on my witch costume!  SEE????" 

TH wasn't all that happy with second son's choice of costume, but when I told him about our conversation, he agreed with me to let the boy be and enjoy dressing up as a witch.  We had just decided to stick close to him at the party.  Each year the school had a Halloween party, from kiddie garden thru high school seniors, and before your mind boggles at that, there were only around 100 kids that attended the school in our tiny village.

I whipped up his witch outfit, found out his head was to small for the hat, and TH stuffed it in such a way that it would stay on his head and he could see.  The big day arrived, and oldest son wanted to  be "made up".  After a brief trip into the bathroom to sit on the counter so I could do him up with a beard, and scars, he was ready to go!  Now my little witch wanted makeup too, and as soon as older brother hopped off the counter, he was trying his best to climb up for his turn.  He found out that dresses arent very conducive to climbing!  I popped him up on the counter, and gave him green skin, and a few warts.  He was super duper vibrating with excitement, until he turned around, where upon he howled with fear!  His reflection scared him to the point where he wouldnt stop crying until I had washed it all off. 

Crisis adverted, we zipped the two babies into their snow suits, piled the entire family into the van and took off for school.  Where we worried?  Yeah a bit, but didnt think anyone would actually say anything negative to him.

Each child starts the party in their classroom, and proceeds throughout the school, room by room.  Seeing the scary decorations and getting treats and tricks from teachers and helpful parents. The older kids usually didnt dress up, but they sure made each little kid feel special by commenting on their costume.  The school had its faults, but back then it operated more as an extended family, with each small fry being paired with a big kid who would come down to the elementary end of the building to read to them or play quiet games each week.  It helped the teens as much as the wee ones by giving them a little sib to take care of. 

All of second son's classmates LOVED his outfit!  A few boys were heard asking if they could be a witch next year, and were all told, as far as we heard, NO!  Boys aren't witches.  One little boy who was sweet as sugar replied, "Yup boys can be witches, see Daddy, second son is a witch and he's a boy!"

The older teens adored our adorable wee witch, and several of them wanted pictures of him with them.  He ate up the attention by the "big" kids.  TH who is much more aware of whats going on around him, heard several people mutter about second son wearing a dress.  But a stern look from TH quelled most of the talk.  TH's parents were so not amused with the costume and even went so far as to say they would have, "whipped" TH if he had of wanted to go as a girl for Halloween, we left shortly after that remark.

Second son loved his outfit so much that he wore it next year, it was a bit short, but that was the only costume he wanted.  Then third son wore it, as did youngest son.  They all loved wearing that costume,  and they all looked completely adorable.

So, what's my point to this trip to the past?  That the youngest of humans are the smartest when it comes to what truly matters.  Clothes do not make the man, they clothe the man, and if he wants to wear pink shoes and a Mario Brothers tie, or a lace hairband, so freaking what?  What one wears doesn't have any reflection at all on their intelligence, or ability to perform to standard.  Clothes are fun, or supposed to be at least.  Me thinks its way past time for us to grow up and become as children again, open to all, and accepting of everyone.

Oh, and the reason I only mentioned men in the above paragraph?  Tis because women have a much wider arc in allowable actions and clothing than men do.

A New Obsession

Y'all know I'm addicted to Japanese music, but it's had an odd side effect.  Due to me not being fluent in Japanese, I listen to the singing as another layer of instruments, not as a way to convey meaning.  And now when I do listen to English songs that are new, it takes me quite a while to realize that I can understand what they are saying. 

This last winter after I had moved into my apartment in Arizona, I ditched cable for Netflix.  One day I was totally bored and decided to grab some snackage and rip thru a few hours watching tv.  While trolling thru all of Netflix's offerings, I came across a Korean tv show, and the synopsis sounded interesting enough to at least give it a go.

Oh Tae-Bong believes he's the son of a billionaire, but doesn't know who his father is. While he works as a bellboy at a luxury hotel to prepare for being a wealthy heir, he's confronted with a cancer diagnosis that throws his life into turmoil.

The synopsis is wrong, he works at the hotel hoping he can either finally meet his father, or that one of the guests will know who he is.  The only clue to his fathers identity that Seok-bong has is a medallion his father gave to his mother.  No name, not what he does for a living, nothing.  In the photo from above Tae-Bong is the one with his eyes closed.

The cancer diagnosis throws him into financial turmoil as he is relatively poor, and begins taking on all the extra work the hotel will give him.  He needs the money for specialized treatment that assures a complete cure.  Enter the hotel owner's daughter, Lee Sin-Me, who is short tempered, and extremely frugal, and difficult to please.  In the photo she is wearing white. Due to no one at the hotel wanting to work with her, Tae-bong becomes her personal bell boy, during her stay at the hotel.  And yes, she runs him ragged, and he doesn't like her one bit, but sticks it out for the extra money.

The fella in the tux is Chu Woon-Seok, who is a "prince" of wealth.  He has a huge crush on Sin-Me and chases her all over, of course she wants nothing to do with him.  The girl in red is Bu Tae-Hee, whose father is enormously wealthy, she is spoiled rotten by her dad, when she is sad and loudly pouting, to shut her up he closes a store so she can shop in peace!  All Tae-Hee wants is to marry Woon-Seok, that's it, oh and to finally win against Sin-Me.  A classic love triangle with Tae-Bong tossed in for interest.

At this point in the story, it all sounds rather generic doesn't it?  How many times have you seen the same story, dozens if not more I'd wager.  But in some alchemy of story pacing, clever plot twisting, crazy funny parts, interlaced with sad moments, and a dash of, "oh no she didn't!!!" moments I was hooked by the end of the first episode.  The downside of this program was that each episode ended on a cliff hanger!!!  Causing me to watch the next one, then one more, then "oh my god! I have HAVE to see if......"  I learned to watch one then to the middle of the next episode, where the storyline slows down enough to wait to watch it until tomorrow.

The interesting thing about Korean tv shows is they usually run for only 20 episodes, more like a lengthy mini-series.  Which is nice in the fact if you find a show you like there isnt a huge backlog of years worth of episodes, and that is the downside as well.  By the end of the program you feel like you know them,  however the writers wrap the endings up in a manner that leaves contentment and completion, no loose ends, no wondering whatever happened to _____. 

I can't knit to Korean shows as I can't read and knit and watch, so that is a downside to them.  Since this first brush with Korean tv/movies I was hooked and have now watched so many foreign movies and tv shows that most of my recommendations are all foreign! 

Oh, yeah and there is this as well, lovely lovely hot eye candy....yeah.  Yes it was gratuitous, but hey I'm not complaining, nope not one wee tiny itty bit.  I swear Namgungnim Min has abs for miles.....

Oh, and yeah all this watching of foreign tv/movies has had its own side effect, tis well odd now to watch tv and not have the subtitles on, as I'm so used to "reading" tv...

Snap-a-holic post

TH and I went for a walk at the bird sanctuary yesterday.  Its a nice pleasant walk, its usually not crowded, there are many dogs to pat and visit with, and for me a transplanted mid-westerner, it reminds me of the farmland that used to surround me.  No farm animals though..sigh.  But there are fields and wide open spaces, a feeling of being able to breathe and freedom.

 The Republican idea of what retirement housing should be?  Nah, just a lean to, they have classes for children on how to survive in the woods, this was built a few days before.

 Then off to a riverside park we enjoy.  The primary user is for a boat launch, so for most of the day its a serene environment to sit and enjoy the day.  If it's not a breezy day, then one is kept mega busy slapping at mosquitoes.  But yesterday was a beautiful day, with just the perfect amount of breeze and sun.

Then up the road away to hike around a recent burn.  This kept us chewing our air for about a week, with the air quality listed as unhealthy for several of those days.  Everyone was wheezing and having issues grabbing enough air

 What we think happened here was that the trees were pulling the last bit of food energy from their leaves before shedding them.  The ground in many areas were covered with these sorts of bi-colored leaves.  This one is singed around the edges.

This forest fire occurred about a month ago, spewing particulate filled air into our town making our air quality "unhealthy".  The trail we were following was used by the fire fighters to get better access to the "back country", where there isnt any roads or trails, so they were bulldozing trails to get the equipment to the fire.  This is one of the many trees that were cut down, and as you can see, the roots of the tree survived the scorching and is quickly working at making a new tree.

 

Some sort of mushroom pushing its way through the forest floor.  If the weather cooperates next spring, this should be a great area to pick morel mushrooms.  

Two for the price of one!

Why am I allowing a social enigma, the collective "them" to define what/who I am?  Why do we give power over us to anyone other than ourselves to decide who we are?  What a silly way to live our lives, and from here on out, I am going to attempt to break those bonds of the collective and attempt to live under my own definitions. 

I think that I've had the wrong end of the stick with the whole gender/sex construct.  Yes, I do have a female body, one that doesn't fit my male brain and heart.  But why doesnt it fit correctly?  Because my brain expects to see a man when peering into a looking glass.  Parts are missing, others are present, hairless mostly, etc the usual dichotomy of the transgender human. One who refuses to give up husband and children to grab the golden ring of transition.  That is my cage and their has to be a mindset that would allow me to meld all that makes me who I am, into a whole being that I'd be happy living within for the rest of my life.

So the female meat suit stays, that isnt under consideration.  What is left for me to manipulate to increase my happiness level, my comfort living within a female? 

Experimentation is called for, to see what lessens the GID (gender identity disorder) and allows me the maximum mental happiness.  I think one positive change would be to label myself as genderqueer or androgynous.  Why?  Because I am two genders within one body.  I live within one gender, and exist emotionally as another.  Rather than trying to choose a single gender, neither of which fits wholly, thinking of myself in the plural acknowledges both, and doesn't dismiss either valid gender.  For I am a blend of genders, a marvelous swirl of male and female, both of which need to be recognized by me to be one complete person.  Trying to shunt away the feminine hasn't been good for my mental state, how can I ignore my very being and still be happy?  The answer is I can't, it just doesn't work for me,  and led me down the path of depression with occasional flirtations with suicide.  I need to embrace both parts of my being, the male and the female equally.

And just like that...............a knot loosened in my chest.  A wad of of tightness that I wasn't even aware that existed, was only noticed by its leaving. 

Finding Balance

Taking the allergens from my diet has helped even out my moods and lessened the grip of extreme depression that used to be my constant companion.  But now without depression coloring my landscape, I find my focus skittering around the edges of who I actually am.  Unable to grab hold of the topic with truth, has more or less frozen me into place.

I've been asked why I don't dress more male by the people I've come out to.  Because I'm afraid.  Afraid that first it will be masculine shirts, then hair style, then binding the hated breasts, and then.............hormones.  I sound like a right winger who preaches of the "slippery slope" of doom, but that is how my thinking is currently arranged.

It seems that my gender name is Henry.  Yeah, who knew?  While logging in to play a new game a while ago, I thought, "NO!  I'm not going to be Gillie, or Gill, in this game I'll be actual me."  And in a flash, I realized that when I gave myself a "you can do it" speech, I was always Henry.  

Some where along the way these last few years, I've lost the little body connection I had.  Frozen inside of me, bound up tight I've moved emotionally into a distant place, even from TH.  Hugs are allowed, as are kisses, but being touched sexually?  Yeah, I've lost the capacity for that.  Most of my sex drive has disappeared.  My thinking is that when I came out to TH if we hadn't gone into such a long period of being without sex, that maybe I wouldn't be quite so disconnected from my body.  I've always been very aggressive sexually, and while I dated in high school, teenaged guys were never my prime focus, men were.  Older men at least in their mid 20's and older, their experience in the rack really was what I was looking for.  

Always, for always I've been a blend of male and female.  In some cases my actions were more on the female balance, but mostly I look at the world thru a male lens.  But in the wake of the trans juggernaut, I've lost my natural inter-twining of male and female, for a stunted being, but I don't know how to find my way back to me. 


 I read an article on Bilerco.com awhile ago, and it really struck home.  Most of the trans narrative is white male to female trans ladies who are straight.  Sprinkle in a soupcon of ethnic trans ladies, and a pinch of female to male trans men.  But nearly all of these trans tales are of straight people, rarely any of gay or lesbians trans.  Those that are LGB are frilly ladies and straight acting gay dudes.  An guess what?  That ain't me.  Yeah, for better or worse I am a femme gay guy.  I'll never be "butch" or uber male, while I'm very (or used to be) aggressive between the sheets, that's the only place I've really ever been aggressive.  I'm a soft gentle person, unwilling to cause hurt if at all possible.  After all these years living as a girl, I know the mannerisms adopted will never leave me, and after reading that article, I'm ok looking at myself in that light.  If I were to transition, no one would ever mistake me for a straight guy, ever, and I'm fine fine with that.  Which to my mind would read more authentic than if I were attempting to act a part I'm not.

What I need now is to find my path, back to a whole, balanced me.  I'm not sure if the way through is to be able to talk openly about it with TH, because he is still wibbling between acceptance and denial.  When he looked at the start up screen of my game and he saw Henry under player, he got that look again.  The look that says to me, "oh, I thought since you don't talk about this any longer it's gone away....", accompanied by a flash of anguish.  As to why I don't talk to TH about trans stuff is because I always get that face, and it saddens me/him, hurts his/my feelings....yeah one ugly circle there.  Maybe the path back to a more whole me, is healing our relationship, into one that feeds us both, mentally and sexually.  




 

 

Good God Man! Don't Lick THAT!

Cooking for Th and myself since my return home has been tricky as can be.  He anxiously awaited my return to have me cook his favorite meals.  Ok, no worries dear, let me go and whomp that up for you.  Halfway through making one of his favorites, Mac and cheese, I started to taste the cheese sauce to see if it was seasoned properly and realized tis full of milk and cheese a total no fly zone.  Then I needed to test the pasta to see if it was done, "shit!" I cant do that either!  TH tasted the noodles, but trying to walk him thru if the cheese sauce was right was insane.  He kept answering, "I don't know honey, it's just not right....." taking the trillionth taster and we finally just called it good.  He ate it, seemed happy enough after I got over my grumbles.   He loves the salmon pancakes that I posted a while back, but I've never tasted them, due to egg and flour.  And while the wheat flour is easily exchanged for gluten free "flour", eggs are a tricky bastard to replace.  Mayo won't work in this recipe, and just gave it up and make them for him alone.

Stupid traitor body with the insane food allergies!  Gah!

I made him a sandwich a few days ago, and went to lick the extra mayo off the spoon, stopping myself just right before it entered my mouth.  Over half of what he has been dreaming about eating while I was gone is un-taste-able for me.  I rarely use a recipe, as I cook by taste and smell and look, with taste leading the way by a long stretch.

Being ever the pusher of all things rule related I tried some apples and onions on my favorite pork sandwich (now sans bun, so is it even actually a sandwich?) at one of our fav restaurants.  Turns out that even though beer is fermented, and then cooked for a long time in with the apples and onions, it was enough to cause my system to go into complete disarray for days.

Some things I just make two meals, with only veggies or rice and occasionally potatoes being overlapping portions of our meals.  Which lead to loads of extra work, mega amount of pots and pans to wash, before I wised up and called it quits.

It has taken quite a bit of recipe repair work to make things that we both are happy eating, and doesnt make me sick, and that makes TH smile.  Some have been an easy fix, others have taken quite a bit of imagination to pull off.  Gluten free pasta and crackers and cookies, he loves!  Yippeee!!  Rice milk used in place of milk for cream sauces, not so much.  Vegan butter and mayo, he loves em both!  Vegan cheese?  Oh hellz no!  Soy yogurt, yes please!

I've found some vegan yogurt starter.  Why vegan?  Because all other yogurt starters have been raised on milk, and I'm not exactly sure how little milk it will take to crash and burn my combustion systems, but after the apples and onions incident, I'm not willing to go there any time soon.  Found some plain soy milk and this weekend I'm going to make some soy yogurt.  Our local stores only sell soy yogurt in wee plastic containers all flavored with sugar and fruit.  Nummy deluxe for snacks and whatnot, but not so good for recipes requiring plain yogurt.  Also want to try draining it to make a fake-y sour cream and further draining to get yogurt cheese to use in place of cream cheese.  Then!!  Yes then we can get seriously down on alfredo sauce with fresh caught salmon.

Over these last few months I had forgotten the sad state of produce in Alaska grocery stores.  The lack of variety, herbs being the number one unable to buy consistently.  Outside of parsley and cilantro, which are normally fairly fresh, its practically a herb free zone here.  Now and then they get in a new shipment of basil and I hurry home to use it up in a day or two before it dies.  Mint, shisho, watercress, lemongrass, and shallots aren't to be found.  Even something as common as hot peppers can be a hard to find item.  Oh, they have 'em, but they are dying, shriveled and often times moldy.  And that is impacting my cooking as well.  My new go to cuisine is Vietnamese and their food heavily uses fresh herbs, so much of my favorite meals that I couldn't wait to share with TH will have to wait for him to come and visit me in Arizona. 

Two Quick and Easy Summer Recipes

I'll admit it, I'm a veggie-holic always stuffing veggies into any recipe possible.  One of my notable failures was the addition of grated cabbage into spaghetti sauce, the kids hated it.  But this one doubles the usage from a few heads of broccoli.  One head of broccoli, two completely different uses.  Use the florets in your favorite broccoli recipes, just remember that there is only the tender bits left, they will cook much quicker than usual.  Just guess how I know this!  ;-p

Quick Pickled Broccoli Stems

Cut the florets off and set aside, they wont be needed for this recipe.  With a paring knife, trim off any tough skin on the stems, or you can use a peeler.

Slice rather thinly 2 cups of broccoli stems.  Now, I just sliced them on the round, but they can be sliced length wise and then cut into smaller bites.  I like the festive look the irregularly shaped stems have.

This is how I measured them, as you can see there is empty space, thats ok, this is loose recipe, exact doesnt matter here.

Whisk this together into a glass bowl:
3/4 cup rice wine vinegar  (you could also use apple cider vinegar, but I wanted a more neutral         vinegar flavor)
3 tablespoons sugar ( or more to taste, these are very tart, so amp up the sugar if you wish)
1 tablespoon kosher salt ( if you only have table salt, start with 1 1/2 teaspoons salt and add up)
1 large garlic clove, minced or grated
1/8 - 1/4 red pepper flakes (or not, if you dont enjoy spicy foods, leave out)

Stir in the stems, mix well.  Place a sheet of plastic wrap directly onto the surface of the broccoli, making sure all the stems are submerged.  Chill for at least 3 hours, eat within 2-3 days. 

Salmon Pancakes

This tasty dish can also be made with tuna or chicken, just be aware that the can of salmon I used is 7oz.  Carefully drain out all the liquid before dropping into the mixing bowl, if any puddles appear in the bottom of the bowl, blot out with a paper towel.  Flake well with a fork and then mix in:

1/3 minced onion
If the onion has a really aggressive rank odor, place into a small bowl and cover with boiling water, let sit for about 3-4 minutes, drain well.  This should tame it while allowing it to keep its crispiness.
1 large clove minced or grated garlic
2 eggs
2 tablespoons all purpose flour
1-2 teaspoons sesame oil ( this is optional )
salt and pepper to taste

Mix well, until the flour and egg are well mixed in, the batter will be on the loose side.  In a nonstick skillet or griddle, 1-2 tablespoons neutral flavored oil.  Heat over medium high heat.  Place large spoonfuls of batter into skillet.  These can be made fairly small, or larger so that you get between 5-6 pancakes per recipe.  Shape into rounded shapes with spoon.

Cook until they are firm enough to flip, around 3-6 minutes depending on your stove and pan. See how the edges are setting up?  These are nearly ready to flip.  I flipped one early to show that its not quite brown enough yet.

 Flip and cook until browned on both sides. Cool if desired on paper toweling, to prevent sogginess.

Want a good dipping sauce on the fly?  Mix 3 tablespoons maple syrup (NOT pancake syrup) and 1 tablespoon soy sauce.  You may add minced or grated ginger or a dash of ground red pepper, or black pepper, etc.......

Packing, Driving and Maid Service PLEASE!

 Sorry I've been MIA for a while, been struggling with depression and body issues.  Part of the depression I managed to winkle out the why of, I'm going to miss my volunteer "job" like crazy.  I love working at the library, love being around the people, books and it gives shape to my day.  Here, I have around 2 hours max with TH before he leaves for work at 5 pm.  Then alone again until he gets up the next day.  There will be something to keep me busy however, more about that later.

Monday night I packed the last of the boxes and suitcases for the trip home.  Finished up on the last few cleaning chores, didn't get to the vacuuming however.  Oh, well when I get home it will need a good cleaning, and it had only been a week since the last hoovering.

Tuesday morning I ate breakfast, packed my bento for snacking on for the drive to Henderson, Nevada, washed up the dishes, put the stacks of items into George and headed out.  And promptly made an error on the freeway, didnt get over into a far enough left lane and ended up being forced off that particular interstate.  So, Martha (the GPS wife) attempted to lead me back on the right path, only for me to mistake her interchange instructions and was again off course.  Finally taking pity on me, and as the freeways filled up, she switched to surface streets and driving became less of an act of bravery and faith and more do-able for me.

Five very l-o-n-g hours later I pulled into the hotel parking lot, after a few misses with off ramps and wrong turns...sigh.  Between heavy traffic, an exhausted driver, and unfamiliar streets it was a crap shoot on how long I would make Martha "recalculate" before arriving at the casino/hotel.  They had valet parking which I took full advantage of, pulled out my overnight bag, and checked in.  Within 10 minutes of checking in, I was fast asleep, and was out for around an hour.

Funnily enough, I had to walk past masses of slot machines, and other games to get to the restaurant and coffee shop and never felt the least twinge about wanting to give it a go.  Mainly because all of the people playing them didnt look the least bit happy, and if I'm going to toss money out, it's damned well going to give me some enjoyment, like a book or a movie or a new big fish game. 

Had a great dinner of gluten free pasta, a nice salad, a glass of white wine, and after watching a bit of tv was out like a light again.  Morning found me back into George with a new location for Martha to direct me to.  Of course you know I got off on the wrong track, but the good thing was, I had forgotten to fill up the tank so the route Martha took me on was lousy with petrol stations.  With Georges tank filled I finally got my shit together and managed to get out of town an off toward Provo Utah.

TH's best friend since elementary school days wanted to drive to Alaska with his son, and he didnt have anything he felt he could trust. And! It got George to Alaska, because the drive to Provo proved that I am done done done with long distance driving at around hour 4.  I will happily sit for 10 or more hours in the passenger seat, but behind the wheel my attention span is remarkably short.

After a nice visit with the long time friend and his wife, he jumped in George and took off, the wife took me to the Salt Lake airport for the last leg of the trip home.

And I arrived home to be greeted by this.....

The entire house looks like this.  The last time he ran the vacuum was December!  The dishes were cleaned up at least.  I have been cleaning and tossing of junk, trash,  been putting stuff away and after a few days of this, the house still looks like a junk heap.  This mess is going to take me a while to win against.

Maybe I should play this song for him daily after I return to Alaska?

attic monsters

 A dark side of weight loss has reared its heavy head of late, causing anguish.

I've gone from being shaped like so,   l  l  


to this,     ) (

Being shaped like  a tube is easier to forget the whole girl body.   The whole hour glass-ish shape, not so much...............