Sunday I met up with the LBGTQ group that I've joined for a lunch and a movie. Out of the 5 people who showed up, I only knew one of them,.....lets call her Annie. We went around the table giving a thumbnail sketch of ourselves, I was the only trans person present everyone else is lesbian.
The topic shifted to our pets and other things, when one of the ladies asked me, "How long ago did you transition?" I then went thru my whole story, and they seemed the same toward me as before, which was nice! The restaurant we went to had an actual gluten free section of the menu! I had gluten free pasta and meat sauce, it was nice to be able to order from the menu, only making one change, no cheese.
After a nice lunch and a long chat, we walked to the theater, and after standing about debating the merits of one film over another, Annie suddenly said, "They have Jurassic Park in 3-D!!!" And that's what we all went to see. I'd forgotten over the millennium since it first came out how fun of a movie it was.
Monday morning Marlene texted me wanting to know if I was up for lunch and some shopping. She dropped by to pick me up after her shift at the library ended and off we went to lunch, food wise wasnt nearly as successful as Sunday's was. Anyway, we were shopping, she needs new clothing for work, when she asked me what I did this weekend. In a very off hand manner, I mentioned lunch and a movie with a meet up group. A while later, I could tell she had been thinking on this, she asked me who I went with. In a very, I hope, casual manner I told her its an LBGTQ group. Oh, she said. Later she told me that one of her very best friends for a very long time is a lesbian.
So, Marlene thinks I'm lesbian, I'm ok with that, sorta, its not the truth about me but at least its a place to start. The next time we are together, if it seems like the right time, I'm coming out to her. I'm tired of hiding who I am. The one really wonderful thing about living a zillion miles from home is I can be me, and not have to worry about it getting back to someone I dont want to know, yet.
Yes, I said yet. I'm at the end of the hiding. At this point in time the way I feel is if they cant accept me for who I am, fuck em. Just straight up fuck em. What brought along this change of heart? This is going to sound like an odd catalysis but whatever. The library has decided that a nice way to honor their volunteers hard work is for us to each pick a book that is important to us, and they attach the book plate to it, which has our name and that we are a volunteer. Later that night, I realized that the only books I was researching was LGBT books. That's when it hit me, I'm tired of not being me, of waffling around when I'm asked why I dont carry purses, wear makeup, or dresses, heels or why I've never painted my toe nails. I'm just going to tell them, its because I'm a guy, and guys typically dont do those things.
The book I finally picked, "The Pink Triangle; The Nazi War Against Homosexuals" by Richard Plant. It combines my love of history, my trying to unravel the why of the holocaust, and that I too am a gay man.
I wish I could do this. I have some family concerns, and I won't come out at work for the time being for various reasons.
ReplyDeleteBut everyone else? Fuck 'em if they can't take it.
I'm happy for you. I still remember the days of thinking before I answered a question because I needed to make sure I didn't give anything away.
ReplyDeleteThe other day at work, a co-worker told me that had I not told her I was gay she wouldn't have known, and I said, "I never said I was gay."
"You're not gay?"
No, I am gay, but I never 'said' it."
What I said, when we first met, was something about my partner Carlos; I say things like 'Carlos and I are going to vacation next week' or 'Carlos and i bought a new car.'
I reminded her that she doesn't have to introduce herself as straight and I don't introduce myself as gay. Just talking about our personal lives tells someone what our orientation is.
So, I know how you feel about not being careful what you say and how you say it.
It's a great thing.
I love that your posts (with the exception of the anaphylatic shock mention) have been so positive lately. That's great! Being able to eat without getting sick, and really being yourself has made you a happy person! (Not that I think you've been unhappy, but...well...you know what I mean!)
ReplyDeleteYAY for not caring what others think. I'm pretty close to that. Real close.
Peace <3
Jay
:-) I'm really glad you had a good time with your group! And im really happy that they were all very accepting your coming out to them didn't affect the way that they behaved towards you.
ReplyDeleteI hope things go well with Marlene. In a way, thats a good sign that she already is accepting of you being a lesbian, because it seems she'd still be alright if you come out completely to her.
Oh and that picture at the start of your post is super cute. and looks yummy. :-p