When Equality Isn't Equal

 When DADT was repealed September 20, 2011 a funny thing happened on the way to free our hard working, sacrificing members of the armed forces of the onus of having to hide their sexuality.  To arrive at a place that the generals would agree to remove DADT from the code books, someone had to be left behind, the transgender members.  The last time I heard the "code" of the military is to never leave a solider behind, but DADT repeal left some members behind enemy lines for three very long years.  Hostages to the fear and hate of transgender humans.

This isnt an isolated case, sadly.  Nearly every bill that protects the  LGB community from discrimination, started life with a guarantee of the rights of the T community as well.  However a grim thing happens on the way to the floor for a vote, the language including the trans folk is stripped. Because including the transgender community means the bill won't pass.  Rather than the groups fighting for our rights sticking it out in the trenches and get into a slugging match to insure that all of our rainbow brethren are protected from bigots and religious fools, they ditch the T under the bus to make sure the LGB folk are a protected community.

Usually the memo sent out by the groups who lobby for LGBT rights, say something along the lines that the trans community HASN'T been forgotten.  We will come back for you!  Keep the faith in us.  And oh yeah, can you send more funds?

But do they ever come back for us?  Sadly, the answer is rarely ever.  2014 is half over and while there has been some talk about allowing the trans service members to be out, no true forward movement has occurred.  So, our trans service members keep hidden, needing to make the painful choice of staying in a career they adore while hiding in plain sight, or leave to be able to live open and free. 

What a fucking terrible choice.

What I think is the true sticking point is that for many in the LGB community is they don't truly understand why the trans community is included as they believe the trans isn't a sexual minority.  What totally blows me away is the hate filled language they spew.  It isn't all that different from what the conservative "christians" use against the rest of the rainbow league.

Over on Queerty, a post about a trans man being voted as Mr. Gay Philly has raised a firestorm of hate and bigotry.  While I won't celebrate the haters, a sample of the hate runs along these lines:

orcanyc I’m sorry, really am, I’m sure he’s great, but unless he has a penis, is he really Gay, because being Gay, I thought, was a man attracted to a man. I wonder if we are getting to politically correct?

From here on the posts degrade into these....

jayj150
She is not a gay man, simply because she is not a man. She is a straight woman with a fetish. And by the way, why do t3annies get to have their own contests, but gay people are forced to share theirs with t3annies?, same as with parades, news sites and activist groups?

 and this....

masc4masc

I agree 100 percent. People have gotten so extreme with political correctness that they’ve become delusional and/or intellectually dishonest. This story is a perfect example. How can she be a gay man when she has a vagina? Homosexual means same sex.

What is up with a small but extremely vocal minority of the LGB community? 

It's this transphobia and bigotry within the GLB world that is causing the more vocal of the trans folk to see hate and sniping when there really isn't.   To snarl at RuPaul's use of the "t" word, was she wrong to use that word?  Yes, of course every minority is allowed to label words as cruel and hate speech.  But then again, to different people, the label tranny has different meanings.  To the transsexuals it is hate in word form.  To drag performers it's a "fun" word to label themselves with!   Personally, I feel that drag is one of the reasons that trans ladies aren't taken seriously.  How can they be, when a fella dresses up as a parody of a women?  Straight humans watch RuPaul's show, and if they don't personally know any trans ladies how are they supposed to know that for the transsexuals they just aren't playing dress up?  Remember when "black face" wasn't thought to be racist, but funny? 

  Refusing to believe that  Dan Savage has evolved from being unenlightened about what it means to be transgender/transsexual, to being supportive and a firm ally.  Cast your mind back 10 years, do you hold all the same beliefs as you did then?  Haven't you evolved on certain issues, I know I have.  They hold onto the hurt long after the person who caused the initial hurt no longer holds those primitive views.  Being faced on all sides with hate, bigotry and an unreasonable and a nearly insatiable curiosity about their genitals, is it really surprising they are lashing out at everyone and everything?

The time has come to ensure that bills on the way to a vote aren't stripped of the language protecting the trans community.  To tell the gay lobby groups when they call for funds and ask what is the single most important problem facing LGBT people today, answer with the lack of protections for the transgender community. 

Now that our piece of the equality pie is growing by leaps and bounds, with support for equal marriage at an all time high, for believing that gays, bisexuals and lesbians all deserve to be treated equally, its time to share that with the less legally fortunate, the trans community.   No more buying into the bathroom canard, nor the straw man argument that surgery can't change DNA, so transsexuals can't be REAL women or REAL men.  The idea that if a trans lady can't "pass" as a believable woman, she is less than real, she is a man in a dress with poorly done up makeup and a bad hairdo.  Do people point at ugly women and claim they aren't REAL women, phfft of course not! 

For gays and lesbians in America we are living in a golden age.  Is it perfect?  Fuck no, but life has never been so sweet as it is today.  Are there still hate crimes, children being thrown away for being gay, or are forced into religious institutions to change their orientation?  To my deepest grief, yes.  But times are a changing, and for the better.  Now that the main reason for squabbling among the LGBT camps is lessened, the lack of protections and freedoms, its time to pull all of us up into the same level of equality.  Fight as though your freedom depends upon it, because it does.  If your brethren isn't free, just how free are you?

My Journey

In my beginning, I felt like toxic waste.  A guy living within a woman's body, with no way out.  I hated my fleshy self, and didn't want to live.

I lost the very essence of who I was, who I had been.  A blend of male and female had been who I was my entire life, but it wasnt until I "woke" up to what I had been submarineing for years, that I felt lost in the universe.

Running in circles, trying to decide what to do, lost between two unchangeable dead end paths.

 And so I began to drink to excess, shades of high school daze.....

In trying to drag myself back into some realm of life without falling further into the bottle, or to succumbing to  the lure of just ending it all.  My lifelines were blogging,

knitting,

reading,

and playing with my hipstamatic app.

Learning to live with the ebb and flow of the daily pull of my two dichotomy genders, one inner and one outer, hasn't been easy, and there are times when I just want it to STOP!

By refusing to transition I became an anomaly within the trans world, a transsexual who doesn't do hormones, doesn't dress my inner gender, and has no plans for surgery.  I was lost without a safe harbor.

Thrashing about for some identity is when I came across Third Gender, and life became ever so much calmer, and every day wasn't such a struggle.  I found a bridge

leading me from maelstrom to inner peace.

TH and I have found some middle ground.  It's still not perfect by any means but at least we are looking the same way unlike before. 

Before I left Arizona for Alaska this summer I took a straight friend to my LGBTQI meetup.  She was the first person I told about being male, and she was the first one I invited into my world.  It felt wonderful!

Looking back on these past few years,

one of the main things that kept me breathing, was blogging, and my wonderful friends within the blogworld. 

At this time, I feel as though I have said everything worth saying about my life and who I am, and the forging of a new path into my personal world of living a third gender life.  Like many before me, I came to Blogger a broken and bleeding soul, and found my place within the inner world of the self and the outer world of the internet. 

Words can not fully express what the blogging world has meant to me, and many many people who were there at my first tentative steps into the warm friendly waters of blogging love are no longer in blog land, but still to one and all a loud and mighty,

                                                               THANK YOU!!!

Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!

Hidden in plain sight

I've been to Arizona Pride twice, and both times have felt oddly uncomfortable, and have been squirreling about to figure out why ever since.  The first time was with a local blogger and we kept being mistaken for a straight couple.  This time I went with a good friend of mine who is lesbian, and again the uncomfortable feelings were present.  So, it wasnt the company I was with, its something within me, keeping me from fully enjoying it.

There are times when the meetup group has a number of new people, who see a female shape, and assume I'm a lesbian.  Several of the people that I've informed that I'm a gay third gender guy ( or trans-man) very often say, "Hey, I'm not into labels!"  Which to me is a backhanded slap.  How would they feel if I disrespected their sexual orientation in the same manner?

Many people scoff at bisexual invisibility, but I totally get it as I to feel invisible quite often when in LGBTQ spaces.  Stepping outside the trans-man accepted role of how to look and act makes me even more invisible and unbelieved. 

Humans have a built in template of male and female coded into each society as to acceptable behavior and looks.  Step to far out of that box and it makes others very uncomfortable, as several recent studies have shown.  Which could explain some of the hate the extremely femme gay guys receive, they look male, but act feminine, a dichotomy that is often to much for those who are fairly inflexible in their thinking.  The violence against certain members of our LBGTQ family is incited by the herd mentality of different is dangerous.  And while LGBTQ on LGBTQ is fairly rare, we do trend to fall into groups by skin color and orientation.

There is no way for me to project a trans-man exterior.  Dressing butchy makes me look like a butchy lesbian.  Dressing as I usually do, lesbian or straight depending upon the company I'm with.  Short of wearing a shirt proclaiming who I am, I see no way of projecting my inner self. 

Why is this so important to me to be seen for who I actually am?  Not a clue, all I know it wears on me to be invisible in GLBTQ spaces.

Been thinking about returning to the transgender conference, and not being ashamed of not conforming to the accepted way trans-men are supposed to dress or act.  Wearing a third gender shirt and not trying to act any differently than usual.  For once in my life walk proud, not slinking around corners, not being ashamed of who I am and projecting an apologetic air for not fitting into gender norms.  Part of the issue with this conference is the average age of the people who attend, 40+ so they are still operating with the olde manual where the holy grail is to "pass".  Not to live for personal happiness, but to adhere to others ideals of what it means to be trans on either side of the gender divide.

 Found this article today, and from the looks of it, the younger set has a better grasp of how to live happily as trans, third gender, etc, etc, etc. 

After reading this, article I'm giving more thought to why the fuck should it matter as to who others think/believe me to be? 

A little kitchen chemistry

I've tried nearly every vegan "cheese" available, and they are all horrible.  I did find a shredded rice cheeze that tasted really good!  Yum!  And then the grinding unhappiness from the internal combustion chamber, turns out, it had milk casein in it.  Why anyone would go to the effort to make nearly vegan cheeze but yet add a milk product to it totally escapes me.  There is one that is super tasty and totally safe and in some miraculous fashion tastes nearly the same as Parmesan even though its made with cashews, yeah I dont understand that either, screwy yeah?

Now my desire for edible pizza has been growing the longer I've been marooned on the gluten free, milk free, etc diet.  Most of the gluten free crusts, are just sad.  For the most part they are hard and tasteless.  If a restaurant offers vegan cheeze its always Daiya brand, and while it is the best thats out there I have several issues with it.  One, it has a weird nasty after flavor.  And two I have this issue with eating food with little to no nutrient content, only calories, and somehow this cheeze has little to offer in food value.

While wandering around Amazon a while ago, I came across several books on making vegan cheeze, and bought the one that had the best ratings and hoped for the best.  The first recipe out of the book was a total snooze fest, cheeze sauce.  While I hate to toot my own horn, the one I invented was light years better than the one in the book.  However, I decided to press on and try a cheeze from the book, and the simplest one was mozzarella.  I gathered up the required ingredients, one of which had to be ordered, kappa carrageenan.  "A natural hydrocolloid, carrageenan is a natural extract from specific red seaweed species that are farmed and processed. It is used as a suspending and emulsifying stablizer, thickener, binder and gelling agent."   And was ready to give this a whirl.

It was a bit tiring stirring for nearly 30 minutes of a mixture that became ever more dense and harder to stir, but at long last, it was done.  The cheeze needs to sit in the fridge around 24 hours after making before tasting, the wait was killer long!

Finally!  It was cheeze tasting time. 

                                        HOLY MOTHER OF CHEESE!  

Its mega delicious!  

I tried it out on a friend and after her first tenetive taste, asked for more!  This cheeze is OMG good. Whipping out a gluten free french bread recipe, I conjured up a batch of dough to make pizza.    This would also be my first adventure in GF pizza dough.  It was hard to not keeping cracking open the oven door, I just had to know how things were progressing.  Was the dough looking pizza-ish?  How about the cheeze, was it melting?  Finally after about 9 million hours it was done! 

                                      PIZZA!

Chewy dough, melty globby cheeze, this my friends was a pizza to enjoy.  So much so that two days later I made another one!

I finally hit the pizza wall, and froze the last 4 pieces. 

Last night I melted some of the cheeze into milk with a little vegan butter and some nutritional yeast (to give it a stronger cheese flavor) and made, mac and cheeze!  Yummy!  Soft and gooey, perfect mac and cheese, so good I reheated it and had it for breakfast. 

Next up, I'm going to give the cheddar cheeze recipe a whirl.....  Nachos here I come!

That didn't go as expected...

I came out a guy at work today.  Younger, ever so not religious and his response? 

"Well, what ever floats your boat."

Needless to say I feel hurt and sorta kinda violated, and now don't know how to deal with him.

Really?

Last Friday a friend and her friend and I met for lunch.   Now you have to know that my friend....Polly is a funny lady, one is never bored when she's around, add in the fact that Polly knows zillions of folks, and one of those she knows came along for lunch.  I was remiss and didnt do a preview of their menu online, and went into this place cold, stupid me.  I requested a gluten free menu and began to study the offerings. 

Hmm, chicken, ok no.......  Pasta, umm no tis all dairy based, shoot.  Salad!  Umm, not that either.  I refuse to pay 15$ for a salad that after I get done leaving off all the items I can't eat, is nothing more than a sad pile of lettuce and a few stray veggies.  Ok, they have burgers....and gluten free buns.  Hmm, ok I shall check out to see if egg makes me sick.   Yum!  What a nifty great tasting burger!  Nummy!

Holy Fuck Nuts!  Within about 20 minutes I was itching, itching, itching!!!  Ok, ok calm down, thats the egg, no worries.  Then the world started to go all smeary and drunk.   I took a antihistamine, and thought that would solve things.  Umm, that would be a big negatory.  By then my tummy was protesting, and it was giving warning signs of flipping the switch from input to vomit.  I made it thru doing the pull/holds at "work", but left them the job of running the reports and getting them in their boxes.

I went home, and luckily never did flip the switch to vomit, whew!  By Monday I was beginning to feel mostly human again, but still weak and shaky.  By now all the dishes were dirtied and I didnt feel well enough to hand wash em.  So I jammed the dish washer full, poured in the soap and started her up and went to bed. 

Next morning, feeling better!  w00t!  Ate some breakfast, then some lunch, and life got really bad again in the stomach department.  I thought a bowl of simple broth would help me, and pulled open the dishwasher all the way and laying on top of all the dishes was a layer of dishsoap... sigh.  So, that's what was killing my tummy, the poor thing was soaped! 

Today beginning to feel human again!! 

Just in time for Friday.  What's happening Friday you ask?  Something I've been putting off for over a year, and now due to losing around 30 lbs...I cant avoid it any longer.  The worst thing ever for a third gender guy to buy                                                 a bra

Hey, I need some info please

As you have noticed my blogger account has been hacked numerous times lately.  I keep changing my google password, and all of my other email accounts passwords, and it keeps happening.  Anyone have any idea at all what to do about it? 

Surfacing

It's been awhile again, and really didnt have enough ideas or time to expand-o any one idea into a full post. 

Here in no organized way are the thoughts that keep swimming to the surface, again and again....

The Dallas Buyers Club
     After watching the movie, I searched the web for more information about Ron Woodroof, only to discover that he was a homophobic guy.  The character of Rayon was nothing more than a flickering light on the screen.  Ok, so Hollywood takes liberties with stories, we all know that.  In fact they quite often take perfectly wonderful tales with a ginormous following and alter the story so that very little remains of the original tale.  What upsets me so about this movie is the fact that while many straight people did die during this time period of AIDS, the vast majority of humans reaped in the 80's by AIDS were gay men and trans ladies who were in the sex trade.   Was this man's story choosen to make the subject more palpable for middle America to show that not only gay men caught this horrific disease?  Or is this yet again another white washing of GLBT history? 

There was a hue and cry about hiring a fella to play the part of Rayon, a hand wringing of epic proportions ( at least in the transworld ).  To be quite honest, I'm rather torn on this subject.  Yes, it would have been terrific to see a trans lady actress play a trans lady on screen!  She would get how Rayon felt, however....  Rayon hadn't transitioned, nor started taking hormones, and was extremely ill with AIDS and ravaged by her drug abuse.  The only way the part of Rayon could be believable was to have been played by a tooth pick thin fella, without breasts, without any extra ounces on his skeleton.  Yes, breasts can be bound down, but its never going to have the same look as a bony rib cage, there will be a thickness that wouldnt ring true to the knocking on deaths door.


TH
   Two Wednesday's ago we went to his 2 week check up and the doctor was extremely pleased with how quickly TH had healed.  Now that all of his numbness and heaviness and pain is gone gone gone, we realized just how long he has been suffering the effects of constricted nerves.  He flew home on Friday and returns to work on next week.

One thing that we both realized is that these past six months is we have so much fun together!  And even tho we celebrated our 36th anniversary, we still enjoy each others company, are fairly compatible on most things, and laugh like silly bunnies over the smallest things.  So after he left, the apartment felt much to large, and sadness came to visit, along with more soul searching along the themes of;  how long should he work, should I pack up when my lease is done and move home?  For a few days we mulled the idea of me moving home full time again, and finally TH did something he rarely does, he made a decision for both of us.  I won't be moving to Alaska full time, but maintaining the current status quo of splitting my time between both homes.  Which truthfully was a relief, the specter of being marooned in the cold and dark again for months and months wasn't something I was sure I could handle again.

Arizona's Olde People
     I'm rather confused by the actions with many of the older people here.  TH and I went to Arizona Sonora Desert Museum, if you're ever in Arizona its a must see.  All of the plants edging the walkways are labeled, but for the most part its pristine desert, with only a small portion accessible by the public where all the displays are located.  While we were walking along, I stopped to take a photo of a flowers and several times TH over heard oldies complaining, "I don't know why they allow children in!"  Now these were NOT screaming kids, nor the running loose causing mischief and mayhem sort.  Yes, most all children do have issues with volume control, but the three times we visited this museum, we never ever saw a child who was misbehaving. 

The oldies have motor home parks and entire communities where you must be over 55 to reside within.  Several of these communities have petitioned their local government to be allowed to opt out of paying school tax.  Their argument is they don't have any children attending local schools why should they support them?

The very things they accuse children of being, loud, rude and having no manners, they themselves are quite often guilty of.  I've seen them cut in front of people waiting in line at the movie theater, demand the tech person at the library to check their materials out, rather than asking.  I just don't get it.

And now for reading this drivel here are some pictures taken by TH himself.

A "shoot out" at Oatman Az.   Its a tiny touristy sorta place, but we really enjoyed it.  And these fellas really made this shoot out fun!  They perform this for charity to raise money for crippled children.

At the Sonora Desert. Their raptor show is the best we've ever seen.  As you can tell its out in the desert and birds are allowed to do as they wish.  One of the birds gets put out sometimes and goes and sits on a rock and waits for the handlers to come and get her!  A few times the birds have gotten very territoral when wild birds have flown by, and they chase them away.  Only to realize they dont know how to get home and so they just sit and wait for the handlers to come and get them!  The owl was rescued as a chick from a nest his parents built at Home Depot.

Yes, that me at the London Bridge in Lake Havasu.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity Jog

TH came thru the surgery with flying colors.  He is home today and starting yet another slow recovery period of him driving me insane.....

A Bad Month

About a month ago, I began to feel exhausted, no matter how much sleep I managed to get each night.  Even after 7 hours of sleep each night, sleep of the dead I might add, in order to get thru each day required the application of 2 naps.  My chest felt heavy and all my joints hurt, and an ear ache kept coming and going.

I came home one night from Table Talk ( helping new Americans with their conversational English ) with a feeling of being slightly tipsy, the world was smeary and vague.  TH took me to the emergency room, turns out I had two infected teeth.


These two dental offenders were scheduled for removal anyway, they just went septic before my appointment came around.

Antibiotics were applied along with an anti-nausea med.  This was the first antibiotic I've manage to sorta tolerate for around 20 years.  But as the week wore on my body slowly lost the battle against the reaction, and more and more benadryl was required to allow me to swallow.

Last week the two non-compliant teeth were fired from their positions.

 Dr. Dentist man gave me more antibiotics, sigh.  This time only 2 days passed before the war within escalated to the point where I ran up the white flag and called a truce.  Hopefully, this was enough to kill the last vestiges of infection. 

During all this fun and games with pharmaceuticals TH had several different appointments with doctors and a surgeon.  He is scheduled for more surgery on Tuesday.  Hopefully this will fix the last of his pain and numbness.

Tales from the Stove

Chocolate chip cookies.....

is there a better cookie known to human kind?  If there is I sure don't know it.  Warm from the oven, melty chips, soft yet slightly chewy cookie, maybe with a scattering of nuts....ahhhhhhh.

After reading a zillion links looking for the perfect gluten free, egg free chocolate chip cookie recipe, that didnt have oatmeal or buckwheat both of which my body has declared as enemy soldiers, or coconut or almond flour.  I already have an entire shelf of stuff needed for gluten free cooking, at this point I'm refusing to buy yet another flour.  Last year anything coconut was the superstar, this year it seems to be almond, whatevers.

So, I settled on a recipe, TH sat at the table and read the recipe off to me as I measured and stirred and blended.  Like a silly trusting heart, I loaded my cookie sheet up with a batch of the cookie dough and set the timer and wandered away.  About 2/3 of the time until done, I went into the oven to get a glass of water, and heard an odd "frying" sound coming from the oven.....  Greatly worried, I ripped the oven open to be greeted with this sight.

They had spread and had turned to brown sugar lace around the chewy centers.  Not a bad cookie, just not a chocolate chip cookie of dreams.  Not knowing what else to do, I added more "flour" to the mixture in the bowl.  These did indeed look like a more traditional cookie, but were TERRIBLE!  I refused to eat any of those.

A week went by and I decided to give cookie making a second chance and tried peanut butter cookies.  Holy Cow!  These were terrific!  Peanut buttery, chewy, perfect cookies!

Strange fact about these cookies, is the egg was replaced with unsweetened applesauce.  Yeah, who knew applesauce could make such fabulous cookies!  I'm going to try the applesauce trick with my next batch of chocolate chip cookies. 


I've had the same crashes and burns with gluten free bread.  It all seems to be so hit and miss.  After several major failures, Ive given up trying to modify gluten free breads that are written with verboten ingredients, particularly the incredible edible egg.

This bread looked perfect and smelled heavenly.  The moment the pan was removed from the oven it sank and when I ripped it apart to see what the malfunction was it was gooey and weird inside.  I ripped off a tiny piece of the crust and it tasted great, sigh.

I finally found a few great recipes for vegan gluten free types and made some burger buns.  Holy Edible Bread Batman!

See how puffy and light these are!

Sliced open they are soft and yummy!  These make great sandwiches but even better is that they make perfect.......

                                Toast! 

 Yeah, these sliced into thirds and toasted turn out perfectly crunchy warm and tender insides toast.  Something I haven't enjoyed since last January.  An entire year without perfect toast.  And as someone who ranks toast in their top 5 favorite foods, that has been tough indeed.

Next up is yet another run at trying a loaf of bread.  I've got a few recipes, with my adjustment replacing the xantham gum which my tummy complains mightily about, with psyllium husk.  Yeah, the stuff of many laxative brands.  To understand the why, heres the best video I've found explaining its cooking magic.

Butterfly Wonderment

I went to a butterfly "zoo" with several friends two weekends ago.  This was the most amazing thing EVER!  There were butterflys everywhere, they flitter about, often landing on people, hitching rides on us very warm humans.  They keep the room around 80-ish and its very humid.  Even cold all the time me, was happily warm and after a while trending towards hot.

There is a display case showing the cocoons, where the conditions are perfect for them to hatch, but neglected to snap a photo of that.  Hopefully this next weekend, TH and I will take a trip and  I'll snap a photo of that.  They also had a bee area, which was actually cool, as the bees had a "tunnel" to the outside where they gather nectar and then return to their hive within the "zoo".  Also on had were ants and scorpions and shudder spiders!  Needless to say I gave these last three insects a very wide berth.  They also had a fairly large aquarium which didn't seem to mesh with the insect kingdom thingy, but twas major coolness.

The blue one landed on my back, and my friend's hair and sleeve.  I have no idea what each one is named, I had their brochure which lists them, but alas lost it most likely the last time the clutter patrol was on duty I filed it into the trash. 

Salutations!

Rose Colored Opposite Day

This will be our first Christmas alone, no children, no family, just us two.  Our first Christmas we spent the day with TH's family, his sister, brother and his family and the parents.  The next time Christmas rolled around we had Eldest, he was 18 days old.  TH and I were both so tired that it was hard to get enthused about the holiday.  What excited TH the most was that his grandmother came for a visit, a rare occurrence.

As the years spooled by, and our family grew every few years, the holidays began to be held at our home, so no travel but much much more work.  But it was enjoyable, the run up to Christmas, tiring but exciting!  The list of "must haves" for dinner kept growing until it took nearly 3 full days of cooking to get everything everyone desired to eat on the table.

We don't have the funds to travel back to Alaska, sigh, it was a pinch to send the boys and their wives small gift cards.  And so the Great Holiday Discussion began.  It had to be both different and cheap.

We could pack a lunch and head out to a park!  Wander about and then find a great scenic spot to enjoy a nice lunch.  So, TH gets on the phone, and all parks are closed for the holidays.  Which really when one thinks about is awesome for the employees.

Go to the movies?  In some weird sense it felt rather lonely to us, so that was quickly discarded.

How about having an anti-holiday?  Let's not do anything that is sorta kinda even remotely Christmas-y.  No decorating, as all our tree trimming items are up in Alaska.  Only send out a few cards, which I need to do tomorrow......  No pies, cookies, hams, prime ribs, etc.  If it's traditional for us, then its out the door this year.

Our tentative plan is to head over to the video rental store a few days before Christmas Eve, and rent an entire raft of movies.  I would like to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" which is one of my all time favorite movies, but one can't get a much more iconic Christmas film.  We can't decide between trilogies, or stand alone movies.  In the running for the trilogy column is X-men, Back to the Future, Iron-man/Avengers.   If we do single movies the category is wide open.  If you have any movie suggestions, pass 'em along as none of our movie choices are cast in concrete.

Dinner will be hamburgers, baked beans, ruffled chips with ice cream and chocolate chip cookies for dessert.   Ok, technically a chocolate chip cookie is a, umm well, cookie, yes I know that.  But its not a holiday cookie, so thats how it slips thru the anti-holiday food barrier.  Buy TH some killer great root beer, and some grapefruit soda for me.  Stock up on ice, and junky foods, make sure we are well stocked for burger trimmings and the food angle is covered. 

I brought a few of our favorite board games from home, so if our eyes and minds get tired of watching movies, we can laugh like crazy beings while we play Yahtzee, or Parcheesi, or a card game.  I'm not sure what alchemy occurs when we play board games, but we usually end up laughing ourselves sick.  The last time we played Parcheesi, we laughed so long and hard when we finally calmed down we had forgotten whose turn it was! 

There you have it, our plans for our first annual Rose Colored Opposite Day!



   

Hickory, Dickory, Dock

'Tis been quite a while, but time has gotten away from me once again.  It seems that each day whizzes by on winged feet, and before I know it, time for sleep.  Here is a snapshot of whats been going on.

Went back to volunteer at the library, and was knock me down with a dust mote surprised when I was greeted with hugs.  I have no idea why people feel the need to hug me, but what is awesome was how much they seemed to have missed me!  w00t!!!

Been going out every other weekend with my meetup group.  Have invited TH, and he hasn't felt either well enough or comfortable enough to go.  He feels like the odd man out, and I can understand his feelings completely.  He did come for coffee with me and another lady during the week.  They had a good time chatting about this and that, they invited us over for dinner in the future, so that should be fun.  

TH has begun physical therapy 3 times a week, and it leaves him in pain and wrung out.  He has about 30 minutes of stretches and specific motions he has to do once a day, and a few other that need to be done 2x a day.  Then he rides a recumbent bike for 20 minutes and walks 4 miles a day.  This is all for his recovery.  At this point in time, they aren't sure he will be able to return to work at all.  He needs to lift 50lbs to do his job and the therapists aren't sure he will be able to do so by the time he has to report back to work.

Uncertainty about his ability to return back to work has led to long and frequent talks about what we'll do if he can't.  Due to the crushing debt the surgery has deposited, if he can't return to work our only option is to go back to Alaska, pack up the house there when the lease is up and move here full time.  It's much much cheaper to live here than there.  And while thats fine with me, TH isnt happy about it at all.  How well he will handle the triple digit heat is a worry.  After the debt is paid off will  open the can of worms again as to where we will live.

Still being unable to lift more than 5 lbs leaves me doing everything.  From carrying all the groceries in, trash out, and moving the gallons of water for drinking in.  He cant wash dishes, even emptying the dish machine causes him discomfort.  Laundry is impossible as well as reaching into the washer/dryer causes pain and difficulty.  Added to all this extra work, is the realization that even using natural dish machine soap causes me to feel like crud, shortness of breath, painful joints, tummy unhappiness....  When we moved me down here, I bought dishes and silverware in a group of four.  I'm doing dishes more or less non-stop to keep the kitchen clean and so we have something to eat off of.  I had forgotten just how much the guy eats and how often!  We bicker, believe it or not about my "over use" of vegetables in our meals!  He would rather eat meat every meal of the day, every single day.  I would rather eat more veggies than meat, so there isnt a great deal of grey for us to meet in. 

The bright spot in our meals is that TH is totally supportive of how I have to eat.  He only eats sandwiches out, and hasnt had any shellfish when he's with me.  He does eat eggs and cheese, and has a separate toaster for his waffles.  He eats my crackers and the few successes I've had with making edible gluten free, egg free bread.  Chicken is something he misses, so until he can do the washing up we will have to buy those toss away foil pans as I cant even wash up chicken without reacting.

When Thanksgiving rolled around I made a vegan pumpkin pie, and he eagerly dug in.  Talk about surprised, the pie was some of the best pumpkin pie we've ever eaten.  The lack of eggs and milk were unnoticeable!  If you want to make a pie for someone who is allergic to dairy, eggs, gluten,  are on a diet or has high cholesterol, they will love you forever!  This pie is killer good.  Here is the linky, and yeah mine looked exactly as it does in her pictures.  'Tis simple and mega tasty, give it a try.  I still have masses of work on the pie crust, but I don't eat pie for the crust.

Third son and wife called us on turkey day and told us they are expecting a wee one in June!  Yesterday TH sat with me and helped me chose yarn and patterns for sweaters and booties for the wee one that Third Son is calling "Blue".  Why?  Well the doctor told them on their first visit that the baby was the size of a blueberry, so the name stuck. 

Due to weather and finances we will be staying here for christmas.  We do have free tickets and one free night at a hotel, so we could go visit Second Son.  But heading home is out of reach.  We are still trying to talk Second Son into coming for a visit, but his wife's schedule is crazy and she cant give an answer as to when she could come down.

Last Monday night I went to the grocery, bought two bags worth, and filled four gallon jugs with water and headed home.  Things were okie dokie until I attempted to get thru the gate.  The gate swung back, and when I went to kick it open again, it didnt open very far, I caught my foot in the gate, got totally off balance and took a hard tumble on my knee on the sidewalk.  Lost my glasses in the dark, TH went down and found them for me.  I've missed all this week of library "work", and my knee is quite the grumpy gus still.  Yes,  TH took me to the doctor, and no, its not broken nor any sort of ligament tear, just good ol' fashion bruised to hell and back.

 

Dritten, Troisieme, 제

I'm not sure I've mentioned my dream self that is male, he visits my dream-scape irregularly doing the usual things that make up my life, but in male form.  When he first came to visit, it took me a while to realize that this boy was me, and as I grew up so did he.  During the whirl-wind years of child building and the exhaustion caused by raising 4 children, he vanished from my nights.  As time went on and I became less sleep deprived he returned.

Male dream self never does anything that I don't do.  He cooks, he knits, visits with friends, and on several occasions has "enjoyed" the same bout of flu.  There are long stretches where he doesn't appear, and others where he visits at least once a week.  Due to being sleep deprived and over stressed of late due to TH's medical odyssey, dream male hasn't been around for quite a while.   TH by the way is recovering well, he needs a second surgery to get him back to 100% but we just don't have the ability to raise another $15,000, for now he will have to settle with 80%.

A few nights ago he returned, and it has left me unsettled, depressed and grieving, something he sparks now and then, but this..............this was/is............left me heart broken.

He has had sex in our dreams many times, thats nothing new.  Yes, its always with another guy, never a girl, and I seem to be a top.  He hasn't ever received in a dream, and funnily enough, TH once said not long after we married, "You'd rather fuck me than have me fuck you."  I stammered around a while denying it, but its true.

In this dream for the first time that I can remember, and these dreams are vivid and stick with me for days or years for some of them, he was wanking, running his hand up and down his dick.  The feeling of a dick in my hand was unbelievable, as was the feeling of the friction.  Jerking awake I laid there with tears spilling onto my pillow.

I don't hate much, but this fucked up dichotomy of body and soul is one that I'm coming to hate.  True happiness is rare for me, every stupid single day is tinged with grief and sadness.  Honestly?  I'm not sure that transitioning would make me all that much happier.  No matter which way I turn, there is a road block that is unmovable.  I hate the fact that no matter which way I chose to live the rest of my life, something of equal value is lost with the gain.  

As the old saying goes, "neither fish nor fowl", yeah that fits.  I just feel outside of "normal".  Not 100% sure I wanna be living within the realm of normal, but knowing I don't conform within that space is rather off putting.  Choosing to be out of the oval of what is considered "normal, is one thing, but to know that you're non-compliant with the schematics of normal-ville as an unwilling participant is an entirely different matter.

Maybe the term third gender needs to take root inside of me.  "The spirit of a man, in the body of a woman."  That fits me perfectly.  No ragged edges, no maddening gaps, a pure fit.  Now, I just need to internalize this concept, re-writing my personal schematic diagram.  Re-booting my personal description, this may take a while to ingest. 

If you're wondering about the post title?  Tis the word third in German, French and Korean, pronounced as je.

Its been awhile

since my last post, but much has happened, and life sorta kinda got complicated.  TH has had issues with his arms/hands/upper back for a while now, and he thought it was just wear and tear and a smidgen of old age added.  After visiting a local doc in Ak, the bad news came down, he had severe issues with his spine in his neck.  A flurry of phone calls, and his appointment was set up for October 21.  Yes, after the Mongolian trip.  Yes, after the boys and I attempted to talk him into canceling.  Some might say TH is stubborn, I'd have to agree with them.

I flew down to Az on wednesday, and TH drove the car.  No he wouldnt let me ride/drive with him.  If you are wondering why re-read the sentence in blue.  He managed to get as far as Salt Lake and just couldnt drive any longer.  The pain was to intense and he couldnt sleep much at night to recoup.  Luckily his best friend since elementary school lives there.  And even more luckily his best friend's sister was up from Phoenix, and offered to drive George the rest of the way.  So best friend popped TH on a plane Saturday afternoon and George showed up on Monday night.  Being without George caused over a hundred dollars in taxi fees to the clinic and back!  But at least it saved TH from driving the rest of the way down.

After a flurry of tests Monday and Tuesday they had their game plan on what to do for TH.  A massive bone spur was pinching his spinal column and he had an over growth of one of his "windows" where the nerves branch out to the arms.  They fixed that up, but there is still a question of if he will need a second surgery, we find out on the 6th of November.  While the MRI says he has two other less troublesome spots, they dont want to operate without being able to physically pin point where the trouble is coming from.  Where the tingling, numbness or weakness is located tells the doctors where the malfunction is.

See on his MRI the really narrow bit?  Looks a bit like an hour glass, thats where they operated.  I took a picture of the monitor while awaiting for the doctor.

The insurance is being unhelpful, and he has lodged a complaint with the member service fella at the mine, he is supposed to call back Monday.  Every single credit card is maxed out, the surgery cost us $14,000!  When supposedly we are only ever supposed to pay $4,000 out of pocket.  So we shall see.

So, while he is healing and awaiting the verdict for possibly yet another surgery, at the same price point I might add, he is basically helpless.  He is not allowed to pick up anything over 5 lbs.  If the water pitcher is full he cant pick it up to pour out a glassful.  He isnt supposed to reach up or down to pick stuff up.  Added into this is he has a full raft of fairly heavy duty pain meds on board, so he's sleepy and rather queasy. 

Anything he needs, I have to fetch for him.  He can get dressed on his own, but needs to leave the door open when he takes a shower, as the heat of the water makes him dizzy, and I've had to steady him so he doesnt fall.  Getting a jar of pickles from the fridge is tough for him.  Until TH begins to feel better, I'll be MIA.

Oh and HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAY!!  sorry i missed your big day.   

Mongolia Ho!

Saving as much money as possible as been theme for the Honko family for the last 3 years.  TH has wanted to hunt stone sheep in Canada ever since he was about 8.  And so a chunk of our money was sent to a guide in Canada, months went by without a contract, finally getting the guide on the phone, it took him awhile to remember someone that had sent him $10,000!  It's been quite a while since I've seen TH that furious.  After a shouting match he finally got his point across that he wanted his money returned to him ASAP!  Now to say TH was let down, would be putting it mildly, he was super depressed, he had already begun dreaming about scrambling over the mountains in British Columbia, tenting out and seeing stone sheep and if he shot one thats good, and if not, thats ok too.  Its the experience he loves not the killing per say.

After talking it over, I pushed him to call an outfitter and see what would be possible to hunt for the same-ish price.  That's how Mongolian ibex became a household word and main topic of conversation. 

The best part about this hunt was that it was nearly 1/3 the price!  Score!  Somewhere the decision was made to invite 3rd son to hunt and youngest to go along, but not to hunt. 

The airport at Ulan Bator

 Then a flight on a prop plane to Hovd

Where the outfitters did a quick run thru a store that TH said was like a Costco.

And then off in a Jeep for a 7 hour ride to get to the mountains and hunt.

Check out the sharp drop off from the newly paved portion and the "shoulder"!!  This is the interpreter out for a smoke break.   The Russians are building a road from Russia to China through Mongolia.  While the Mongolian's despise the Russians their hatred for the Chinese is all encompassing.  China was never EVER mentioned with the word fucking in front of it. 

The bactrian camel used to be fairly plentiful, but with the advent of cars and trucks they are no longer needed, and their numbers are dwindling. 

A lovely yet barren landscape.  The pile of rocks on the mountain is a dry stone coral for yaks and sheep where they spend the nights surrounded by dogs to keep the wolves at bay.

The ger is still a popular housing choice for nomads and can actually been seen in Ulan Bator sitting quietly next to an apartment building.  TH and the boys were asked if they know the reason for the doors of the ger to face south, they guessed as something to do with weather.  No, that's where our enemies come from, fucking Chinese!  

As you can see, wood is in short supply, so the bits of wood are just to get the fire started, but its fueled primarily with yak dung and coal.

A yak getting milked by one of the ladies who live in the area.

Back to Ulan Bator.  If you look close, next to the concrete ger is an actual ger, complete with fence and outhouse.  Tis off to the right, just on the edge of the photo.

The buildings look rather ramshackle to our western eyes, but with limited equipment and a population wanting to leave the small towns and far flung nomad areas, buildings are being tossed up higgledy piggledy.   And after posing for a photo, the fellow with his arms crossed demanded money..

The traffic is completely out of control, often gridlocked for hours.  Capturing the police and ambulances, the interpreter told Th that quite often people die in ambulances stuck in traffic.  Ulan Bator is growing quickly but doesn't yet have the infrastructure to handle the current population.

The Mongolian Parliament building.  That's Genghis Khan sitting, and his two guards on horse.

Not sure of this fellow's name, but he freed the Mongols from the oppression of Chinese rule in 1912.
Gives a whole new outlook to the Disney film Mulan, yeah?

The piece of the wall is whats left of the summer palace.  The colorful buildings are the museum, where no photos are allowed to be taken, nor do they sell postcards, a photo book, etc. 

   The Blue Sky Hotel.  Lovely isn't it?  They are trying to attract tourism by offering luxury accommodations.  Mongolia is trying ever so hard to wrench themselves out of 3rd world status, but it is an uneven effort.  When TH and the boys would order something from the menu what they heard mostly was, "No!" with a sharp finger wag, that meant they were out of that.  Most of the items from many of the menus around Ulan Bator seemed to be out of many menu items.

Funnily enough, the most popular chain restaurant in Mongolia, is an American company!  Wild yeah?

Mongolian .money.  The fella in the odd hat is the guy who freed them from the Chinese.  Tis Genghis on the bottom bill, and that hole isnt a hole but has some sort of plastic imbedded with a faint printing.  The 20,000 Togrog is worth $11.78 USD.