Sunday, July 10, 2011


I've fallen into discrepancy as to my level of happiness.  Life has become a series of still and empty hours interrupted by activities that must be performed, like dinner and laundry, bills etc.  When people are around, I liven up only to fall silent when they evaporate.

 TH and I have fallen into  platonic roomies, and nothing more, and I miss the tight tight closeness we used to enjoy.  We had each had our own friends and had separate yet co-joined lives.  No matter what was going on, we met back at the end of each day in a joyous meeting of minds and souls.  Sex has been a struggle throughout our marriage, TH just cant get past feeling guilty.  Where as I am a free spirit when it comes to sex.  Sex is like water and air to me, and twice in 6 months is suffocation rations.

TH cant get past the whole "my wife is a guy".  He claims he is/has, but he really hasn't.  I've been advised by friends to give him more time, and I am.  But I'm worried these are our sunset days. 

If these are the last gasping days of our union, I'm afraid to look into the vista of tomorrow. 

In the dark, whispers echo through my mind.  Whispers of body modification, of removing my breasts, going on T. 

TH says I walk different, more confident.  Larger strides, more aggressively.  Not feminine.

Lies, dirty lies I'm telling myself that I can be happy living within a woman's body.  Because since that day I turned my back on living as my true self, depression has been my constant friend.

Nothing has changed at all for me.  Choosing to live as my true self, I lose TH, choosing TH I lose my inner happiness.  But really I feel as though I've lost him, lost us.

fucking no choice at all that works completely


  1. This really sounds like a sad situation. I wish there were some way TH could relate better to you so the past intimacy could continue. Instead of giving him 'more time' to work things out for himself, can't you be more forward and instigating with the intimacy? Maybe he thinks you are no longer interested in a sexual relationship with him. If you were to actively initiate such activity, perhaps he would understand that it is an important part of your life and that you are really missing it. I think he just doesn't know how to deal with the situation. It sounds to me mainly like a communication problem that you can correct if you want to.

  2. I can't imagine what he's feeling and what you're feeling and how,if at all, the two will vere mesh.
    Hopefully, he will need, and take, the time to work through this and you two can go on as a couple, as friends, as partners, as whatever you can.......

  3. It's a terrible Catch-22 to be in. I agree with Brian that perhaps some proactive communications will help in the physical aspects.

    Also, I think you finally need to be proactive on what we chatted about the other day...

    Don't give up a wonderful relationship and union without a fight.

    Peace <3

  4. I'm sorry to hear this is happening. It's the number one reason why I'm not only unattached but not looking for someone. I really don't know what I can say that will make it better except the above comments should be taken to heart.

  5. :-(


    It's certainly one trajectory your relationship seems to be going on, but you never know if it'll make a sharp turn. Only time will tell.