Sunday, July 10, 2011
TH and I have fallen into platonic roomies, and nothing more, and I miss the tight tight closeness we used to enjoy. We had each had our own friends and had separate yet co-joined lives. No matter what was going on, we met back at the end of each day in a joyous meeting of minds and souls. Sex has been a struggle throughout our marriage, TH just cant get past feeling guilty. Where as I am a free spirit when it comes to sex. Sex is like water and air to me, and twice in 6 months is suffocation rations.
TH cant get past the whole "my wife is a guy". He claims he is/has, but he really hasn't. I've been advised by friends to give him more time, and I am. But I'm worried these are our sunset days.
If these are the last gasping days of our union, I'm afraid to look into the vista of tomorrow.
In the dark, whispers echo through my mind. Whispers of body modification, of removing my breasts, going on T.
TH says I walk different, more confident. Larger strides, more aggressively. Not feminine.
Lies, dirty lies I'm telling myself that I can be happy living within a woman's body. Because since that day I turned my back on living as my true self, depression has been my constant friend.
Nothing has changed at all for me. Choosing to live as my true self, I lose TH, choosing TH I lose my inner happiness. But really I feel as though I've lost him, lost us.
fucking no choice at all that works completely