Saturday, March 7, 2015

MIA Biki

Yes, I've been gone due to grief.

No, no, everyone is still healthy and hearty.  Added a new grandchild to the family rosters actually, a wee girl.  That brings the total of grands up to three, two wee adorable girls and a wee lad of a boy.

I'm having major gender issues to the point where I don't know who I am.  Male?  Female?  Neuter?  Both?

Remember me telling you about the tummy flu?  And then I caught a cold.  After getting back to Cactus Land I caught the chest flu that was going around at work.  While I'm not 100% sure exactly that this is the cause/effect but for the first time in my life I'm healthy.  I forgot a knife in the dishpan the other day and cut myself jolly well and good.  Three days later, its nearly gone.  The kink in my ear canal that has been there since around 5 years when my allergy to calcium made my ear canals grow nearly closed, is nearly gone!  My hair is suddenly thicker to the point when I had my hair cut the stylist mentioned it.  The only thing I can think of is that 2 years of eating nothing I shouldn't has allowed me to heal and repair.  And catching viruses reminded my body of what it is supposed to do, fight invaders, not myself.

But along with the feeling better, and becoming more active, I'm losing weight and toning up and becoming more girl shaped, and its tossed me for a loop-de-loop yet again.

I know I'm a guy, but can't touch or see him and he's totally invisible to everyone.

Since my return in January, I've come out to several more people that I work with.  All of them have been accepting, one even asking what pronouns I wanted used.

And while I'm no longer alone in this journey, I'm still invisible.

Been re-thinking the whole clothing thing again, but that wont let people see a boy, only a butch lesbian.  Nothing against lesbians, butch or otherwise, but that isn't who I am, or want to be seen as.

I'm a man, a gay man, trapped for all eternity within the body of a girl with no way out, unless I'm willing to loose TH.  Which is unthinkable, totally completely unthinkable.

For a teenager who didn't believe in love, but only lust, this love thingy sure did hook me.

And now you know why I've been gone.  I hate being sad.  

Oh, just to calm your worries, I'm totally not suicidal this time, not even a tiny bit.  Just sad, and blue and depressed.


  1. I don't know what to say, and at the same time I'm going through the same things so I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm toning up, and guess where I'm now carrying most if not all of my excess weight? :-(

  2. At first I was beaming reading about how you're feeling--except for the nasty flu-coldy nonsense--and then i wanted to weep when I read about the invisibility.

    Life can be such a torturous journey.
    Have faith and stay strong.


  3. Oh Biki, I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix it all. I know how bad it is for you.

    I hope the healing, and all the good feeling and being healthy won't be completely overpowered by the depression, which I know can be deep and wide in your situation.

    Please know I am here for you, any time. You know how to find me.

    Peace <3