Life in Plastic

I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world
Life in plastic, it's fantastic!

After struggling around within myself now for weeks, feeling like a fish on a sharp barbed hook, I finally just stopped running away from me.  Me, what I am, what in a perfect world I would be, male. 

I have a female side, but how much of that is actually me, and how much is social construction, or protective camaflague?  There is no way of being able to know positively, without any doubts. How does one even go about dissecting an inner life between what I naturally am, and how I have been molded by society.

Am I a man tangled within the confines of a womans body?  Yes, I believe so. Would I trade my present form for that of a male? Yes....if there were no complications, no repercussions with the life I now live. If it were possible to build an actual working boy body out of girl parts....but as we all know that's impossible. 

I'm both male and female. In Taoist belief I am the perfect empty circle. The balance of yin  (feminine) and yang (male) has reached a quiescent with me. Not wrong, not right, but just who I am.  At once both, but not fully either.

So what does this mean for my present life? Do I have changes planned?  A few, only a very few. As money allows, I'll be changing my clothing to items that feel more like me, that make me happy, like my hair does. Clothing that doesn't feel like a costume, or even worse make me want to hide. A more gender netural wardrobe, glasses and hopefully I will begin to feel more whole. Less fractured into my many parts.

While chatting with Aek one night he made me realize that I am a doormat to my family. It hurt, as the truth often does, and many tears were spilled.  I took that knowledge and used it to examine my life. Was it only the childhood abuse that caused me to act in a very submissive way?  Or was it just another symptom of my need to be camaflagued?  Who knows, and it's really not that important. I do know that I took this new info and tackled T.H. about money issues. I took him to the mat, and came out victorious!  And the very best part of the whole experience?  At no time did my voice go shakey, did I come close to tears! I was calm, cool and never raised my voice.  

Does this mean I'm going to force T.H. (the husband) to deal with my true gender?  No, it does not. This is something that he is going to gradually absorb for him to be ok with it. He is currently enjoying a grace period of no remarks about my gender. How long will his grace period last? Your guess is as good as mine. But after that period of calm has passed, he will be receiving comments, observations and any other tidbit I feel the need to pass on. Is allowing T.H. that grace period more of my doormattiness?  No, I don't really believe so. I think if I was to push to strongly, hard and bitter feelings would pile up. Feelings I'm not sure I could over look easily.  I'm to new, to raw to withstand harsh words without them leaving a permanent scar, both on my heart and our marriage. 

Will I ever come out to the boys?  The desire is there to be sure. But will I?  To be honest, I have no idea. So, I will continue my plastic life, it's fantastic, not.