My inner and my outer don't match, and while I am cool with that, as that has been my reality for my entire life, it's just now I have words to define who/what I am. I took to the word androgyne quite easily. Transgender, was a whole different can of worms. It actually took me a few days to even be able to say the word out loud.
And then the questions starting to perk, thoughts that were relatively new to me. Questioning what was me, the real true stripped to my core me, and how much of me was social construct? Is there any way to rub off what society has painted on me? Do I even want to do that?
Mainly I'm trying to tease apart how much of a "boy" I am. What part of me is actually "girl"? The feminine things I do, is that an expression of me, or my conforming to society ideals of femininity, as of this moment I have no clear idea. I love to knit, and when I was a child, men just didn't knit, but all the women in my circle did needle crafts, knitting, crocheting, embroidery. It took them a long while to corral me into sitting down long enough to even learn how. I was happiest outside running, climbing trees, getting muddy, and riding my bike as hard as possible without any fear of falling or getting hurt. I was given to my Grandmother for awhile when I was around 7, for her to tame me. I had been asleep, but woke up to use the bathroom when I heard my name mentioned. Sitting there on the floor of the hallway, listening to my female parent and my part time step dad talking with an aunt and my grandmother about how I was turning into a tom boy, and was to wild for my own good. For the rest of Grandmothers life, she worked at taming me. Teaching me how to can veggies and fruits, knitting, and cooking. She was a sweet and very kind lady, never lifting her voice, getting her way by subterfuge, never confrontation. I was allowed to climb trees, but only as a place to sit outside and read.
I think my family saw more of the true me and worked at changing me into something more "acceptable". One of the questions I have is that what caused my female parent beat me so severely? Did she hate what she saw? A girl in body but not in spirit? And her always shaky hold on reality, she was never able to handle any new situations, was stressed by my difference? Am I excusing her abuse? NEVER! It's just that she is mentally ill, borderline schizophrenic, and these are questions that fly around in my head.
My entire life I have swung between acting and dressing masculine and feminine. It's almost like dress up for me when I dress feminine, but in real life. It's a rare occasion when I make it out of the bathroom with lipstick on, for whatever reason that is something that really upsets me. And in a few of the more feminine periods of my life, when my self respect was rather fragile, a weird look from my husband about my makeup or hair would send me into self doubt, almost a self hate. I had no idea who I was, and it was eroding me. Luckily in my area you can dress down as a woman and aren't really thought poorly of for doing so.
Trying to decipher myself I keep coming to the same cliff face, and I keep peeking over it. Transexual, am I actually transexual, or am I transgender? And therein lies the reason behind my wondering how much of me is "boy". If all of my "girl" is social construct then what am I left with? I'm left with being all "boy" inside. And what do I want to do with this understanding of me? Will I be content to live as I have all of these years, or do I want more? I have absolutely no idea what so ever. I keep coming back to the mirror. There are things about me that I'm not happy with. And I'm not talking the usual things, a bit of extra weight, being short, no my actual package of my being female. When I started puberty I freaked. I hated the breasts sprouting on my chest. Luckily they never got very large, but still I have them…… And now? I keep finding myself googling pictures of top surgery. Googling articles about testosterone treatment. The hormone treatments would still let me live in the realm of transgender, but the surgery? Oh hello and welcome to the world of transexual.
If I jump over the cliff to fly into the world of transexual, my entire life would change, and not for the better. It would mean coming out to everyone, some thing that quells my heart to a stand still. The thought of telling the boys? Tears are now rolling down my face at the very thought. But the biggie is T.H. Me transitioning into a boy is a deal breaker. My starting male hormones is also a deal breaker. I feel like I'm caught in a net, the more I struggle the more entangled I become. I see no way out thru the coils of my mind. Boy? Girl? Trans gender? Transexual? Androgyne?
It's easy to tell you feel trapped with no way out, and I feel horrible for you. I think some professional counseling, with someone with experience with gender-identity issues, would be a good idea. You need to come to terms with yourself and it's difficult.
ReplyDeleteMy gut feeling is first you need to learn/figure out how to be comforable in your own skin. If you're not comfortable, T.H. isn't going to be. I'm not saying he will be when you get a better understanding of where you stand, just that if you're agitated, it'll rub off.
Hang in there!!!
You have good points and important thoughts. In a way I think most of us are trapped within ourselves one way or another. Tradition, culture, gender; it all works as restraints to stop us from spread our wings and fly off into the sky of our true potentials.
ReplyDeleteMaybe our frustration over the cages we're stuck in shows, maybe not. If we don't (at least try to) break free we will never become happy in our lives.
...Then it's the matter of what price we'll have to pay; that's the sucky part of the deal, I know.
Love
Daniel
If you were a boy you'd need to do pretty well everything as a boy or you'd be back in a quandary.
ReplyDeleteIf you are a girl but can part-time as a boy then you can pick and choose which behaviours (learned or 'natural') you want to follow at any particular time.
There is a big expectation in anyone changing their physiology because they then have to be 'super-male' (in your case). Being 'ordinary' or 'half-hearted' are not good enough. Everyone who has been prepared for the new you will want to see someone different emerge.
Are you really so very different from the bi-person you can be now?
It is, you know, an enormous step.